Mirabella Rosebriar
Dear Diary:
Interritus - Fearless.
But not today. Today I am full of fear. Each choice I make is leading us me to worse choices. And I don't know how to make better ones. I tried, and for a while there, the voice in my head was my own. Choices seemed easy to make. My friends were close and easy to understand. But now everything is different. Maelie said I was afraid of the wrong things. And she's probably right.
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam – I will either find a way or make one
Dum spiro, spero – While I breathe, I hope
In Omnia Paratus (Ready for anything)
Ausi, nos paramas – And still we stand
Sic itur ad astra – thus you shall go to the stars
Dear Diary: Today
June 27: The rain is full of ghosts tonight. Specters that move silently through the haze as I sit here staring out the window. Faces that I was sure I had left behind. I wasn't ready to see them again. But they chase me now. In memory and in real life. Perhaps I deserve it. For now I will take the roses next to the bed and throw them, one rose for each fading face. One more memory gone. One more lie to tell myself. One more nightmare to ignore. The rain is full of ghosts tonight. And I will put on my leathers and go out to find them all. Collect them, and hold them close. Even the ghosts deserve to be warm on a rainy night.
Dear Diary: One Year Ago
March 22nd: I can see the bluebells starting to come up in the gardens. They are breaking through the snow. Outside the walls I can hear songs and laughter. One of these days I am going to walk out with all of that. I am going to stand in the sunlight and not be afraid to be caught. I will speak to people on the streets and make friends. Go to the market all on my own. Sometimes I watch people go by and make up stories about them. Decide what I would say to them. There is a pastry shop across the courtyard. When I am ready...I am going to walk in the front door and order a dozen chocolate cakes and eat them until I am sick. Then give away the others to every person I meet. Because everyone likes cake.
Dear Diary: Today
June 20: I know people lie to me. And I pretend they don't. I look for what is good in them and I try so very hard to make them see the good in themselves. But I was not ready for what I heard today. I did not think James would be the one to...
There's a cold dark corner
in the back of my room,
it speaks to me
and says I'm coming for you.
Suddenly I am sixteen again and my mother has told me I am getting married. Told me I was worth nothing and never would be. Informed me no one would ever love me because I was not worth loving.
As I lie on my bed
in the fetal position,
my eyes are closed
hoping and wishing.
This is not how the story goes. This wasn't written in any of the books.
Maybe that one day
my dreams will come true,
that I don't have to be here
so down and blue.
Before six months ago I had never been given a love letter. Never told I was beautiful by someone who wasn't trying to manipulate me.
The corner keeps talking
about how I'm going to die,
all I can do
is lie there and cry.
Dancing. I asked him to dance. I love to dance, it feels like flying. Like being free. I never thought it would bring us to...this...
As the corner gets closer
and takes me in,
my soul starts to burn
as so does my skin.
He lied to me. About his past. And his name. He killed so many who didn't deserve it. And what do I do with that?
My bones shall lie there
turning to dust,
my bed surrounding
nothing but rust.
This is something I can't fix. He is someone I can't heal.
Dear Diary: Today
March 19: There are three hundred twenty four roses on the wallpaper on the far wall of the bedroom. Three thousand seven hundred eighty nine leaves on the painting of the birch tree. Fifty eight stripes on the curtains. And one, very lonely halfling.
I have asked myself often why I can't behave like I should. And I've prayed for help. I don't even know which god or goddess could help me at this point. But when I saw her eating Nel's cookies...they were not for her. And I would have shared them, if she had asked. Why did she burn Schatzi's flowers? I didn't even know they had been delivered.
There are Sixty five different kinds of spices in the kitchen.
Dear Diary: Today
Feb 26: I have so very many friends. I have so very many wonderful friends. I have so very many wonderful friends who all care for me.
Dear Diary: Two years ago
October 16:
The Lady Laniette arrived today. She is everything a lady should be: Beautiful and calm, witty and kind. She is absolutely perfect. The way she greeted the household was straight from the etiquette books. Once she marries my brother, I hope, oh I hope I will be just like a sister to her. I can imagine taking walks with her. And learning how to comport myself properly. Mother is so pleased with this match. She has told me I will be spending all my time with Lady Laniette until my wedding so I will be a better person. I'm very excited about this. She brought an entire army of maids and valets. I don't even know what half of them do for her. But I will find out. This afternoon I have been promised a ride with her. I have so many questions. I can not wait to have a sister.
Like the touch of rain she was
On a man’s flesh and hair and eyes
When the joy of walking thus
Has taken him by surprise:
I arrived early to our meeting. Being so excited about having someone to talk to everything about. But what I heard... She was screaming at one of her maids. I've never heard such words said outloud. I assumed it was the staff yelling at first, so I peeked in the room. She was half dressed and throwing things. The maids were all cowering. I have never seen a person in such a passion. Mother caught me and let me know that I was not to tell my brother about anything I saw. That it was not place and soon both Lady Laniette would be happily married to my brother and I would be married to Lord Finnan.
With the love of the storm he burns,
He sings, he laughs, well I know how,
But forgets when he returns
As I shall not forget her ‘Go now’.
At dinner, my brother spent the entire time at dinner just, watching her. I can tell he's in love. But he didn't see and doesn't know. Mother is right, I need to keep my mouth shut. And let him be happy. Oh, I so want him to be happy. I doubt he would even believe me if I said anything. I am going to watch her though. If she is not all that she seems to be, I will keep my brother safe. Even if I have to go against my mother and father. I will keep him safe.
Those two words shut a door
Between me and the blessed rain
That was never shut before
And will not open again.
Dear Diary: Today
April 9: I don't know why or how I ended up at the temple tonight. It was purely by accident. Or an act of a god. I was searching for peace and answers and found...an ending.
The night is darkening round me,
The wild winds coldly blow;
But a tyrant spell has bound me,
And I cannot, cannot go.
How can it be right for me to ask someone to change who they are, just to be seen with me? Why did I even ask it? Its not right. And I should have known better. Except...
he agreed. And is doing everything in his power to become more. And still, others are not accepting. It's not his fault. I'm sorry I said anything. I'm sorry that I hear the beautiful words he says and want to believe them. I'm sorry I can't follow him as he searches for his dreams. I'm sorry....I'm sorry.......
The giant trees are bending
Their bare boughs weighed with snow;
The storm is fast descending,
And yet I cannot go.
If I was stronger, I would ask my parents what happened. Why do they hate me so much. I went to the temple for answers, and I received them. How can you be willing to be parents but not love your child? Maybe if I did something so very terrible...so very unseemly...they would wash their hands of me. But then...
Clouds beyond clouds above me,
Wastes beyond wastes below;
But nothing drear can move me;
I will not, cannot go.
Then I would not be worthy of Schatzi. Without the parents who hate me, I could not have the one I love. And life isn't worth living without love. And friends. I would lose all of it and I've come so far. Surly neither Loralei or Nicodemus would not be so cruel. I'm sorry for not being a perfect Lady. I'm sorry I fell in love with you. I'm sorry....I'm sorry....
Dear Diary: Two years ago
Nov 11: One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, and spin.....
The dancing master says I am one of the best students he has ever taught. He let me pick the dances after only the second lesson. It's like flying, the room spinning so fast. All I can hear is the music, all I can see are smiling faces and blurs of light. Nothing can ever go wrong on a dance floor. Tomorrow I will start taking lessons with Finnan. He is so very...bulky. I have a hard time imagining that he is going to be anything but dangerous for my toes. But dancing is so wonderful. And how could I be anything but excited at the prospect of getting to dance for an entire night? And then go to as many parties as I get invited to...
One, two, and three, four. One, two, and three, four. One, two, and three, four...
My wedding dress was brought in today and it is beautiful. I think it is twice my size and pale blue. The silk is covered in diamonds and pearls and sparkles when I move...if I can move. I believe my mother is trying to get my waist down at least six inches which is going to make breathing hard, eating impossible, and dancing, well...It doesn't matter anymore. At dinner Finnan informed my parents he would not be dancing at the wedding. He views it as vulgar and will not have anyone in his household engaging in the act. He also disapproves of sweets. And so the wedding menu has to be reworked. Mother says that I will be much healthier and possibly become pretty once I am eating a better diet. She disapproves of all the sweets I eat as well. But since my dress is so tight, I guess it really doesn't matter what they serve, I won't be eating anything.
One and two and three and four, one and two and three and four, one and two and three and four...
Mother and Father had a conversation after I was sent out after dinner. And she came to tell me about it afterwards. Because Finnan doesn't approve of dancing or sweets, my coming out ball has to change. Instead of a ball it will just be a dinner. And there will be a lot of different meats served as Finnan is a hunter. It's his wedding present to me. I tried to remind mother that I don't eat meat, but she told me I was being difficult. I also am not allowed to invite my friends as now that it isn't a ball, there will not be enough seats for anyone but family and Finnan's company. And the dinner will be held on the same day as the wedding, after the ceremony. Mother says this way I will not be tempted to dance in public and embarrass my new husband. And so, that's how it's going to be.
....and.....walk off the floor......
Dear Diary: 6 years ago
October 15 - Tomorrow is my birthday and I'll be eighteen. Mother is introducing me to my future husband and I'm so excited. I've seen his portrait and he is quite dashing. I have been hearing the staff talk all week about everything they have had to do to make sure the house is spotless. Apparently the normal clean isn't good enough. Sometimes I wonder if even dust is afraid to come into the house. I've been told that if everything goes according to plan, I'll be married by my twenty-first birthday. Three years doesn't seem very long. At least, not when you are looking at the eighteen before it. My new maid, Serif, came just to teach me how to interact with other nobles. She was the maid for one of the other noble families when their daughter was coming out. So she knows all of the rules. And mother has told me she will be calling relatives to come tutor me. I have a lot of work to do. Somehow, I haven't learned anything in the last eighteen years. Even though I feel like I know a whole lot. But that's fine. I want to be the very best wife I can be. And make Mother and Father proud. Mother called me in to a special meeting to tell me all of this and to introduce me to my new maid. Mother said I need to stop talking so much and that a perfect wife keeps her tongue firmly in her mouth. And she told me that once I'm married I won't be allowed to dance anymore, as it isn't appropriate for married ladies to show so much emotion. I'm writing all of this down so I can come back and read it, and remember. I don't want to make any mistakes. I have to be perfect.
I also got my first true assignment from the Priestess today!! I have four patients that are mine to oversee and I am determined to do a good job. She told me that they are all chronic cases and so while I will not be able to cure them, I can make them comfortable. And she showed me how. I have medicines to make and even my own space in the workroom. I have never felt so adult before in my life. I was thinking for my birthday I would ask mother if I could plant some medicinal herbs in one of the lower gardens, where she wouldn't have to see them. Then I could have better access. I even prayed about it. And this seems to be the very best path.
I hope my brother is coming home for my birthday tomorrow. I miss him a lot. He's been away on business for the past several months. I want to ask where he is but when I do mother reminds me it's unbecoming of a young lady to ask so many questions. He used to talk with me when I was nervous or worried and always made it better. I don't know why I'm so nervous about tomorrow. I've been waiting to meet my husband since I was eight. And even I can't break up an arranged marriage, mother said so.