Weekly Report 1, Day 7

General Summary

The hinges of the left door creaked. The smell of wet cardboard wafted from the hallway into the stairwell. Most of the wires from the underground utility lights were left dangling, almost like the victim of a mystery novel. The crime scene was less interesting; stacks of wet cardboard, garbage trolleys, and a short row of lockers sitting next to the ripped drywall showing where past lockers had resided. That didn't matter; what is more important is the glow the center utility light gave Kartak, the guard of the spare electronics room.   Without a second thought, Gregory Navarro hurriedly walked down the hallway. His quick steps upset the stray puddles of water, splashing a few droplets on his pink jump suit. His blue baseball cap had angled just the right way to obscure most of his face in shadow. Someone followed him, but even at the distance of a few dozen feet Gregory commanded the attention. Gregory wanted this. It's just a shame that Kartak didn't know Gregory Navarro.   “Hey, stop!” Kartak barked at Gregory, lifting his pistol to a familiar low ready stance. Gregory stopped dead in his tracks. His face changed from an anger-filled confidence to an anger-filled grimace. Kartak began approaching his target slowly, only asking, “Who are you?” In his head, Gregory began preparing the speech; I'm a new recruit that started a week ago, I know a lotta radio stuff, I don't have this district's birthmark because I didn't grow up here, Durango tasked me with fixing her personal radio before the end of the day, if you don't believe me radio Sammy Pheonix. To his surprise, Gregory did not have to recite any of this.   The mysterious body following Gregory's shadow caught up to the man. This built figure slowed down his jog, slightly bending his knees and leaning his shoulders in front of his chest. Air sucked into his nose like a vacuum and exhaled like a leaf blower.   “Hey 'Tak,” Ricky said in an aloof manner.   “This guy's with you?” Kartak replied, ending the query with an unexpected shift into a higher pitch.   “Yeah, I'm guiding him around. Experts gotta teach the newbies and all.”   Keep telling yourself that, thought Gregory.   “Then who is he?” Kartak lowered his pistol back into his holster. True to his showmanship, Gregory leaped into his introductory speech. “Hello.” An outstretched right hand reached toward Kartak. “I'm Gregory Navarro, radio broadcaster and specialist. If you've got an issue with communication, I can fix it.” A confident, warm smile spread across Gregory's face.   Kartak's left hand swung from his hips and grasped Gregory's right wrist. “Y-yeah, nice to meet you,” Kartak murmured, lazily shacking Gregory's limb. Despite having nothing for his hand to latch on to, Gregory kept his composure. The arm wagging went on for another eight seconds before Kartak released his grip. Ricky, having been entranced by the unexpected hand shake, broke the spell of silence.   “Yeah, he's here to look for some electronic thingamajigs for Durango.”   “A radio transistor, if you need to know the specifics.”   “Is this official?” Kartak's voice had fully shifted an octave higher.   “Yeah, if you need some confirmation stuff just call up Sammy Phee.”   For a faint second, Gregory's smile turned into a smirk. This big dude is finally catching on. Kartak unclipped his handheld radio and clicked the same button four times. Kartak shifted his voice back down to his intimidating standard tone. “Hey Sam, copy.” An audible reply is heard. “Yeah, Ricky has got this guy called Gregory Nuh-Var-Oh. They want to dig through some of the spare electronics.” Another reply. “Yeah, I was just checking. Over.” Kartak slips the radio clip into his pocket.   “Alright, follow me.” Kartak grabs his keys and selects the one with the the greatest bronze tinge. The group quickly pass graffiti saying, “Spare Elec.” right next to an arrow pointed right. Six seconds later and Kartak jams the key into the lock, twists right, and swings open the door of the spare electronics room.   Immediately upon walking in, Gregory is relaxed. Finally, some familiar sights. Up against the wall is a banged-up work bench with only a few missing drawers. An unplugged soldering iron is placed right under a plunger switch that turns on the bench's gooseneck lamp. Lying up against the peg board are half a dozen screwdrivers of different sizes. Right above the bench is another utility light outfitted with fluorescent bulbs giving off a cool white light for the entire room. Finally, the cherry on the top; a rolling, adjustable swivel stool with leather backrest and pad. Gregory's face slowly revealed a face of astonishment. This would be the perfect place to do the repair. The only hard part is finding the transistor we need.   “Whoops, like like the last person forgot something,” tumbled out of Ricky's mouth. Before Gregory could turn his head, a loud crack of plastic filled up the small soundscape of the workshop. Ricky was standing next to a small wooden table just to the left of the entrance, holding one half of a hand crank radio at the end of each arm. Small chips of plastic and a chunk of a PCB was laying on the small wooden table . As Gregory was reeling in shock, Ricky dropped the radio chunk in his right hand and began to feel for a good grip on the other one.   “Stop-stop-stop!” Gregory dashed back to the entrance of the room and tried to slam the held radio chunk down on the table.   “What's the problem?” Ricky wore a face of genuine confusion.   “You don't just break apart shit, especially if its got God Damn parts in it!”   “...It's spare electronics,” Ricky murmured, uncertainly defending his actions. “We've got all the really good stuff with the main electric people.”   “But all of this is still useful! We can make it all work! But we can't make it work if you fucking break it!  Ricky's eyes darted to the wall and his posture became defensive. “Josh said it was all Okay.”   Gregory let out an aggravated sigh. For his current task, broken PCBs would not be an issue. All that is needed is a transistor, and the tools to replace it are already here. But if Gregory was really going to live here, he could not let so much useful material go to waste. Gregory looked at the broken hand radio, then back at Ricky. The lumbering man learned something today, even if it was way later than he should have and won't be useful tomorrow.   Gregory stared in silence at Ricky. Gregory's stare grew more and more intense with each passing second. His eyelids continued to close, limiting his vision more and more. Ricky's own eyes tarted to dart between the walls, the ceiling, the floor, the workbench, the table, and anything else that wasn't Gregory. Twenty seconds passed before Ricky couldn't handle it any more.   “I'm gonna...go,” Ricky said in a defeated tone. He turned and began walking out of the spare electronics room.   “Wait, Ricky...”

Character(s) interacted with

Protagonist: Gregory Navarro, NPCs: Durango, Ricky, Kartak
Report Date
21 Mar 2019
Primary Location

Comments

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Mar 27, 2019 23:51

Pros: Great descriptions in the second paragraph. I liked the variety in the way Ricky reacts to things; "uncertainly defending his actions" let me know exactly how he sounded. I enjoyed how this was just kind of a day in the life. Nothing too crazy happened. It was a good opportunity to see Greg and Ricky's average day before things went wrong to see how their characters changed (or didn't change). I like how you implemented a heavy into your story, it helps flesh out the world.   Cons: "...like like the last person forgot something" typo. "Ricky's own eyes tarted..." typo. The title fits the story you're going for but it's not really formatted like a report nor does it grab attention. In the third paragraph when Greg is preparing the speech I think it would still be in quotes even though he's not actually saying it. Otherwise, it sounds like the narrator "I" which doesn't make sense. Italics might also work, as you use them in the same manner later. This happens a few more times in the story when Greg's thoughts are leaked into the narration. The very end was a little weird, I'm not sure what I was supposed to feel. There's two paragraphs of descriptions in-between Greg and Ricky talking seconds apart, so I got kind of lost as to what Greg was so angry about. Then, "Wait, Ricky..." doesn't seem angry, I read it in a normal tone and it just ends with that. I don't really know what I'm supposed to take away from this ending because it doesn't seem like there's anything.

Mar 28, 2019 13:39

What’s working well: I thought the story did an excellent job of describing each situation with enough details so I could fully envision the scene in my mind. Further, the description of each character was also well done. I was able to get a good vibe of each character which really helped me set the tone and add some context to the story. There were a few times in the story where situations were described in seconds. For example, “The arm wagging went on for another eight seconds before Kartak released his grip.” Usually I’m not a fan of this type of writing but you did a good job utilizing it here. Without directly saying it, I could feel the tension in this handshake since it went on for so long.   What could be working better: I would have liked a bit more context on what was going on in the world to bring about this situation. It’s always hard to provide a good balance of context with only 1,000 words, but maybe just a little more context in the beginning of the story so I know what the goal is. I also felt like the story, although well written, didn’t really serve much of a purpose. By the end of the story, I was left wondering what the actual goal and intent of each character was. Finally, I mentioned about that some situations were described in time, which I did like. However, I think if you used that method less, maybe only once or twice instead of three or four times, it would become a more powerful and fitting method. I think if you start to do it too much, the story becomes too dependent on a time scale.   Overall I enjoyed the story!

Apr 8, 2019 19:10

The setting is well-realized, with the first paragraph, in particular, doing a good job to paint a visual picture of this decrepit places. The smell of wet cardboard is something readers can easily relate to, and I liked the dangling wires. One simple detail like this tells me most of what I need to know about this place. Another strength of this piece is Gregory Navaro's personality and disposition, and the contrast between what he's saying and doing versus what he's thinking. For an observer in the world of this story, he might not seem to have much depth, but his thought processes tell us a lot more about him. I was most interested in his relationship with Ricky and what he thought about him.   One area to work on here is pacing. For almost 1200 words, not enough happens. Just getting GN down the hall and introduced to the guard takes almost half the space and some of the details about the handshake and hesitancy, the radio call, etc. just don't earn the space they take up on the page. You want to accelerate into the most interesting part of the story, starting as late as possible. I would think that three paragraphs should be able to handle the action we get in the first two-thirds of the vignette. Compress it down so we get the best details of the environment and the most interesting insights into GN's personality and keep things happening.     At the sentence level, watch out for qualifiers, or words that water down the prose. "Most of the wires from the underground utility lights were left dangling, almost like the victim of a mystery novel." The words 'most' and 'almost' take away from what could be a more powerful image. Also, why the victim of a mystery novel? It seems like in this violent world GN would be more likely to have seen people hanging upside down than having read about them.

Apr 8, 2019 19:10

The setting is well-realized, with the first paragraph, in particular, doing a good job to paint a visual picture of this decrepit places. The smell of wet cardboard is something readers can easily relate to, and I liked the dangling wires. One simple detail like this tells me most of what I need to know about this place. Another strength of this piece is Gregory Navaro's personality and disposition, and the contrast between what he's saying and doing versus what he's thinking. For an observer in the world of this story, he might not seem to have much depth, but his thought processes tell us a lot more about him. I was most interested in his relationship with Ricky and what he thought about him.   One area to work on here is pacing. For almost 1200 words, not enough happens. Just getting GN down the hall and introduced to the guard takes almost half the space and some of the details about the handshake and hesitancy, the radio call, etc. just don't earn the space they take up on the page. You want to accelerate into the most interesting part of the story, starting as late as possible. I would think that three paragraphs should be able to handle the action we get in the first two-thirds of the vignette. Compress it down so we get the best details of the environment and the most interesting insights into GN's personality and keep things happening.     At the sentence level, watch out for qualifiers, or words that water down the prose. "Most of the wires from the underground utility lights were left dangling, almost like the victim of a mystery novel." The words 'most' and 'almost' take away from what could be a more powerful image. Also, why the victim of a mystery novel? It seems like in this violent world GN would be more likely to have seen people hanging upside down than having read about them.

Apr 8, 2019 19:10

The setting is well-realized, with the first paragraph, in particular, doing a good job to paint a visual picture of this decrepit places. The smell of wet cardboard is something readers can easily relate to, and I liked the dangling wires. One simple detail like this tells me most of what I need to know about this place. Another strength of this piece is Gregory Navaro's personality and disposition, and the contrast between what he's saying and doing versus what he's thinking. For an observer in the world of this story, he might not seem to have much depth, but his thought processes tell us a lot more about him. I was most interested in his relationship with Ricky and what he thought about him.   One area to work on here is pacing. For almost 1200 words, not enough happens. Just getting GN down the hall and introduced to the guard takes almost half the space and some of the details about the handshake and hesitancy, the radio call, etc. just don't earn the space they take up on the page. You want to accelerate into the most interesting part of the story, starting as late as possible. I would think that three paragraphs should be able to handle the action we get in the first two-thirds of the vignette. Compress it down so we get the best details of the environment and the most interesting insights into GN's personality and keep things happening.     At the sentence level, watch out for qualifiers, or words that water down the prose. "Most of the wires from the underground utility lights were left dangling, almost like the victim of a mystery novel." The words 'most' and 'almost' take away from what could be a more powerful image. Also, why the victim of a mystery novel? It seems like in this violent world GN would be more likely to have seen people hanging upside down than having read about them.

Apr 13, 2019 02:45

working well: I think that this piece does a nice job of carrying a singular conversation throughout, and it feels natural, not too drawn out, and it keeps the pacing going. I like how Greg and Ricky interact back and forth, I think more on surrounding the convo, the action between them and the way they talk is very fluid. I think that this also has a decent amount of context contained here, I think again using more generalized terms to discuss this could help even more, but overall you still do a nice job of maintaining the way the story goes throughout.   Work on: I have no idea what happened here. Or if anything of note really did. I get that this seems to be just going to the Tosche Station (IQHQ) to pick up some power converters (transistor), but overall, I have to say that is not an interesting story. Is Greg here under false pretenses? or why does this story need to be told? The only conflict seems to be that Greg may or may not find a transistor. Besides that, it feels... lacking. I get that we can have day in the life, talk about stuff that isn't particularly action packed, but why this, what makes this important to Greg? I think also, Greg does not have a particularly strong voice. His way of looking at the world seems average, and the way he thinks is rather mundane. If that is the case, then perhaps draw attention to it, focus on the little mundane things that he notices, like the different pieces that were broken in the smashed radio, since it would appear he knows what electronics would be in it, focus on more things to make him more fleshed out as a person.