The Beginning of the End for the Char
General Summary
Curiosity and excitement filled the air as Jag and his newly acquainted team members stood before the Queen of The Brights. Riches and pristine furniture surround them, each glittering with extravagant materials. Bounty hunting payed good money and that’s exactly why Jag is there. The queen keeps going on and on about the logistics of the bounty, but all he needs to know are two things. One, who does he need to kill and two, how much will he get paid for doing it. The Queen finally gets to the point and reveals their mission. Wipe out all living creatures in The Char and get rich from it. Sounds good to Jag who rarely ever declines a bounty request. Everyone else seems to be be pleased with the job as well, so they accept the offer and start heading outside towards Jag’s bus.
The bus, although rambunctious and lethargic, is a reliable vehicle that Jag built himself. It’s heavily armored and even has an escape bike in the back. The paint has nearly all chipped off, but it’s fairly easy to tell that the vehicle was once a typical yellow school bus. It's multi-functioning as it's not just Jag's ride, but also his house, his storage unit and, as he claims, his best friend and companion for life.
Jag has been working with Lark and her family for some time now. They started doing some bounties together because he has a vehicle big enough for her whole family. Lark runs the family, but it’s hard to keep track of twenty other people, especially when those twenty people are slightly mutated. She’s thought of as their “beacon of purity” or something, so she dresses in all white and wears a mask. Kind of weird if you ask Jag, but who’s to say what’s weird anymore. He just wonders what her laundry bill is every month to keep her clothes that white.
As for the other two, Jag has never worked with them before. Key saved his life once when things got sticky, which is what got her the recommendation for the job. She’s more of the quiet type, but it’s easy to read the “don’t fuck with me” expression that’s metaphorically tattooed on her face. The other one, Grekkor or Gregor, whatever it is that he calls himself, is the typical big dude with a lot of guns and a long backstory. All Jag cares to know is that he has enough ammo to kill everyone in The Char ten times over. He only talks when he thinks it’s necessary, which so far hasn’t been often.
Everyone loads onto the bus and gets settled. Luckily, the weather is being courteous for travel as they are greeted with a soothing sapphire-like sky and a radiant sun. There’s only the four of them since Lark left her family at their farm. So, that’s their first stop and it doesn’t seem like anyone is thrilled about it. Jag doesn’t mind the family, but they always do something malicious to his bus. Last time one of them decided to eat the seat. Yes, eat the seat. Does anyone know how hard it is to find nice seats in the apocalypse?
They take off on the bus and arrive at the family farm just minutes later. There they are, all twenty of the eccentric mutated family members. Lark hops out to help convene all of them into the bus. Jag can already see one of them eyeing his new seat. He pulls Lark aside and says, “If your family starts eating the insides of my bus again, I swear I’ll…” Lark interrupts him and says, “Yes, yes. I’ll keep an eye on them, you just worry about staying on the road this time.” Grekkor moves to sit up front with Jag once he learns what Lark’s family is like. They’ve already tried eating his ammo bag which he really did not appreciate. Key sits in the back of the bus by herself, staying busy sharping her knife. With everyone settled, Jag ignites the bus’s boisterous engine and starts their journey towards The Char.
As Jags drives, he wonders what the world looked like before the outbreak. Days like this with the beautiful weather really make him think. Pacifying skies don’t compliment broken and decaying buildings very well, no matter what anyone says. Having a vibrant and flourishing world below is a distant thought from the past. The air, although very polluted, smells fresh as he continues his joyride with the driver-side window down. Jag feels at home driving his bus, the familiar grip of the worn-down steering wheel comforts him. His whole family passed away just years after the outbreak. Because of this, he’s never been a fan of settling down or staying in one place for too long. Traveling and traversing from district to district feels more like a home than anything ever has to him.
Hours pass as the bus continues to roll from town to town. They begin to pass through Wedgeward when Jag notices a group of mercenaries waving to pull over. He looks over at Grekkor who takes notice of the unexpected acquaintances as well.
“Think we should pull over? Looks like they want us too” says Jag, who is starting to slow the bus down. “Let’s just see what they want, but I don’t like the idea of sitting still for too long” Grekkor replies.
Jag pulls the bus over and a medium sized man slides down the sign he was sitting on. His physic is concealed by torn-up jeans and a dark hoodie. Jag notices some sort of firearm bulging through his hoodie front-pocket. He approaches the bus with one hand on his hip. Jag opens the bus door and the man peers in.
“Tolls” The man says. “Tolls?” Responds Jag. “Tolls for who? We’re just passing through to get up to the Char, ain’t lookin’ for no trouble.”
“Unless you want some trouble.” Chips in Grekkor, who is now completely upright and starring coldly at the man. The man smiles at Grekkor and says, “We can deliver the trouble you speak of if you want it. But I don’t think you want that tough guy. Why don’t you fork over whatever ya got and you can move on with your journey to the northern swamps.”
Jag looks back at everyone else on the bus. Most are starring back at him, wondering what’s going to happen next. He looks back at the man and observes him. “How old are ya anyway kid?” he asks. “Round around eighteen, I think. What's it to ya?” The man responds.
“You should be having more fun than sitting on signs and collecting tolls at that age, don’t ya think?” Jag asks. He smiles and leans towards him, his morning beer breathe creating an aroma in the air as he asks, “What do you think about coming with us and having some real fun instead?”
What’s working well: The concept of the ending is nice, a good cliffhanger/launching point implying more action incoming. A good, comprehensive introduction with a clear series of events, introducing all the characters effectively. The fourth paragraph is full of good descriptors and gives a very nice presence to the world, puts the reader into the location effectively. What needs work: The title is very long and grammatically difficult… Would love something more succinct. The chosen tense can be difficult to follow, but this may be a personal thing. The dialogue is also difficult to follow, being nested within paragraphs, and it would be nice to see it split into its own lines. Occasional spelling/grammar mistakes (“malstrom”, “Lark calls assembles them…”, etc.) A lot of “was” verbs interspersed throughout, would be nice to see those replaced with more concrete action words. Also would appreciate more use of descriptive words; instead of saying “Jag’s morning beer [breath?] can be smelled”, describe the smell (pungent, acrid, etc.) and its effect on the person he’s talking to. You also refer to Jag as Jag a lot, more than is probably necessary, so falling back on “he” should get the point across, as we stick pretty close to Jag throughout the story anyway.