Session 8: The Past, Familiars, Big Holes, Mages, Torturing Sylvans - No, wait, I like that bit and also Stealing From Assholes

General Summary

Goldenhome Sessions 8
3/6/22
Before we are all tucked into bedrolls, dreaming of being anywhere but fucking jungle, Bird goes out to scout. I am certainly hoping Sylvans do not take unprecedented action of, I don't know, looking up. Because large flying bird-man hovering over camp may seem suspicious even to Sylvan dumbasses.
He comes back and tells us what he has seen. At main camp, is many tents – at least twenty, plus larger command center. There are at least three dozen soldiers that he can see plus stable with horses. This is not great – many more Sylvans than we expected. On other hand, many more potential victims, so not all is sadness.
Second target is active dig site. There is smaller group of Sylvans there, but they seem more on guard. Third site is big pit in ground, which apparently even Sylvans decided was too boring to hang around. Bird thought he saw movement, but found nothing when he looked closer. I am sure it was nothing over which to be concerned.
He returns and Grandfather and I split watch while they sleep, as usual. Because they are not drow, apparently they must sleep all night, like children. Seems like waste of fucking hours, but I do not try to understand non-drow people. I just judge and move on. Besides, gives me time to corner Grandfather for small family meeting, when we hand off watch.


In morning, we have brief group discussion. “Which site would be most boring to look at?” is question that is asked. “Well, large unoccupied hole in ground seems completely fucking uninteresting. Let’s go there!” is apparently answer. We hike to hole. I do not wish to belabor point, but it is sweaty and awful and I hate fucking jungle. Once we arrive and are all standing there admiring majesty of large hole in ground, I see owl looking at us from tree. Now, I am not really Outdoor Adventure Girl, but even I know owls do not live in jungle, because they are not that fucking stupid. I point out little bird to big bird who wears pants, and tell him to shoot suspicious owl. He does! Doesn’t even ask why! So now I am thinking, who else can I get him to shoot?
We go look for owl body, but find only arrow. Hobgoblin is all “Uh-oh. Probably mage familiar. Mage may or may not have seen us but certainly will know someone fucked with owl.” Well, this is bullshit.
We go down into pit to look around. Looks like Sylvans were searching for one building in particular. They smashed in door and grabbed everything worth grabbing. Bird does find bits of firearms, but that is all. Yes, trip to big hole is definitely working out well for us.
When we go back up top, we decide to hide and wait for Sylvans to show up. Like chumps, they do, and we kill them with very high success rate. There is entertaining moment where scout decides to jump on horse and ride back to camp to raise warning, but I run him down. (High intensity workouts have very much improved average run speed!) While he is gawking at me jogging along beside his horse, Cat catches up and shoots him, right in stupid gawking face. Dead scout. Only problem now is how far I am from rest of fight. While I am running back, others let mage get away, which is… how you say?... disappointing. Bird flies after him, because birds have very small brains. Sylvans have shown much interest in him, so wandering off by himself is dumb idea. Just my opinion, which also happens to be right.
So mage has escaped and now Sylvans will know all about our merry little band of fuckups, but, in meantime, we have prisoner! Managed to take scout guy alive and now we drag him off into jungle to ask many questions.
We give him little heal just to make him conscious, which aids conversation. He looks at all of us and promptly casts spell which transports him thirty feet straight up in air. He falls back down to ground thud! Would have died as intended but we heal him again because it was dumb plan. Now he gets to die twice. It is overrated experience and no one should sign up to do it more than once, I feel, but no accounting for taste.
He tells us they are here exploring ruins of ancient civilization, which, duh. They’ve found a number of firearms, which makes Grandfather have first boner in fifty years. There are a couple of sites which they haven’t been able to access because they do not like to get feet wet or know how to open door. Mage has been using magical looky-loo spell to find dig sites but big hole in ground was best he could do. Nothing interesting, really. Grandfather even has Boris spike his stabby legs into sylvan’s knees (ha! Death by wind up toy!) but then it is nothing but screams of agony and vicious name calling. I mean, “Savage Dirt Faeries” he calls me and Grandfather. Please, I am asking you, check back of journal where I keep running list of best insults made to me by assholes right before I kill them. I will give this one place of honor.
Savage dirt faeries. Much laughter.
We leave his sorry twice dead ass in jungle and go back to big hole because nobody can get enough of big hole. There we wait to see if they send reinforcements, which they do! This time there is dozen of them, including mage and guy with firearm, as well as two proles they brought along with cart to schlep bodies we made. It would be nice to take second crack at pain in ass mage, but twelve might be bit much after last fight. We have better idea, anyway. Dozen guys here means dozen guys not at main camp.
So now we run to main camp, because running back and forth and back and forth through jungle is best thing ever. Others stay hidden and Cat and I creep closer. We climb tree to look inside and hit jackpot. Sylvan with stick so far up his butt he can only be leader, comes out of big special leader tent and heads into camp. Cat and I exchange glance and scoot asses over wall and into tent before he can come back. I examine desk and find fancy book and maps which I promptly stick in bag. Cat tries to crack chest at foot of bed, but it is magic and she has no luck. No time to try again, Captain Stick-Up-Ass could return at any moment, so we beat hasty retreat.
We run back into jungle for few hours, just because it is habit now. Do a thing, run in jungle, do other thing, run in jungle. Once we have had fill of running in jungle (for now), we stop and look at items. Book is locked with big magic and we decide to give it to Lightkeepers so they can blow themselves up, rather than us. Maps are very informative. They say “noble area,” “merchant area,” “college section.” There is one labeled “engineering school” which mentions needing tri-key, and another labeled “mage academy” which must be flooded site twice dead guy mentioned.
Having thoroughly exhausted possibilities of big hole, we decide to go see active site which matches “engineering school” on map. When we get there we see sylvans have packed up and run back to camp. Ha ha, losers. We explore and find building built into wall of a chasm, maybe fifty feet deep. There are two statues of lions, or at least I am thinking they are lions, because how in hell would I know what lion looks like? Door itself is locked with three magical slots. Ah, I see. Tri-key. Not even little bit clever. Bored now.
But not to worry, because there is more jungle running time. Then we make camp and Bird takes one more opportunity to get ass shot out of sky by flying over main camp. Apparently there are additional patrols and guards everywhere.
Just for us? You shouldn't have, assholes.

Report Date

19 Mar 2022