Session 14: A Real Ass-Kicking

After agreeing to assassinate Agamemnon at Helen of Troy’s request and getting information from the wily Odysseus, the party went back into the city of Troy to intercept the Greek messenger, Sinon. They quickly realized that Odysseus had told them nothing about what this messenger looked like or how to identify him. Meredythe attempted to scale a building to get a better view of the city and locate the messenger, but her attempt at climbing was unsuccessful.
Meanwhile, Aegis awoke from her two-session nap and went to a local tavern to eat glass, running into a young lad attempting to convince the bartender to give him free food because he was a “diplomatic envoy”. He and Aegis got into a disagreement over him not tipping, and Aegis punched him in the backside, seriously damaging him. The other party members heard the sound of fighting and rushed in. After helping heal the lad, the party soon learned that this was, in fact, the messenger Sinon. Meredythe then subjected him to a grueling interrogation featuring even more damage to his behind. From this, they got physical descriptions of Achilles and Patroclus. They also learned that Sinon was supposed to arrange the time and rules of the parley between the Greeks and Trojans to prevent war. The party agreed to let him go to the palace to set up the meeting, under Amara’s supervision, on the condition that immediately afterward he would show the party to the Myrmidon ship, where Achilles and Patroclus were in charge.

“We are trying to prevent the war,” Kallos reassured him. “I don’t think you or anyone else really wants a war.”
“If you didn’t want war, why in Hades would you ravage the ass of the diplomatic envoy sent to make peace with the Trojans!” Sinon howled.

Nevertheless, the messenger performed his duty and the time of parley was set for dawn of the next day at the Dardanos Gate. He then showed the party to the Myrmidon ship (whose prow was decorated with a painting of an ant) before running back to his ship.
Achilles and Patroclus met with the party in their newly set-up tent. The party explained that they were on a mission to kill Agamemnon and were told that Achilles “did a thing where you, ah, flip out?” (Amara’s words) and would thus have a reasonable motive to kill Agamemnon in such a rage. Patroclus pointed out that the war wouldn’t necessarily end if Agamemnon was killed by his own side. He then suggested that, if the Trojans were to demand a trial of single combat instead of full-on battle, Agamemnon would almost certainly choose Achilles as the Greek champion—but if Achilles were to refuse to fight, Agamemnon could be goaded into being the champion, and the party members could kill him that way.
Kallos, pleased at seeing the two lovers so happy together, asked if they were planning on getting married, which confused them:

“How would a marriage between two men even work?” Achilles asked. “Who would make all the decisions, and who would do the weaving?”
“Why not both?” the party members suggested.
“Well,” Patroclus said, “to be fair, Achilles, you did spend, like, twelve years dressed up as a girl, pretending to be a girl…”
“That’s not relevant!”

The party thanked the Myrmidons and went back to the city to inform Helen of their progress and try to arrange for Aegis to be the Trojan champion at the parley. As they left the tent, they heard Patroclus say to Achilles, “Do you want to get married?”
While Kallos more thoroughly explained to Aegis what was going on, Callidora cast Pass Without Trace on Amara, Meredythe, and herself, and these three infiltrated the palace to find Helen. Helen was in the midst of talking to Cassandra—apparently Kallos’ attempts to set them up had been successful. When the party raised the issue of picking who would be the Trojan champion, Cassandra said that her brother Hector would most likely be chosen. Helen said she would do her best to influence the king and queen to choose an outsider. Cassandra expressed doubts that she would be able to help persuade anyone, but Amara had an idea:

“Does your curse work in the other direction?” she asked. “If you lie about something, do people believe it is the truth? Or do they doubt you no matter what you say? You can test it on us.”

Cassandra lied that she “really liked boys.” For an instant, the party was totally convinced of Cassandra’s attraction to men, despite knowing that she was not. Cassandra then tested it again, declaring that if Hector was the champion of the single combat, Troy would be victorious. This time, the party did not believe her.
Helen and Cassandra went off to convince King Priam that they should let the gods decide who the champion should be. The party regrouped on the Argo and slept until rosy-fingered dawn.
Everyone gathered at the Gate of Dardanos, with the Trojan delegation (Helen included) up on the ramparts of the walls. King Priam announced that “Helen’s fate shall be decided by single combat,” to which Helen rolled her eyes, having masterminded the entire situation. Priam asked for a volunteer to be the Trojan champion, and Aegis was chosen.
Agamemnon then announced that Achilles would be the Greek champion, but Achilles was nowhere to be found. Sinon was sent to retrieve him, and when he relayed the message that Achilles refused to fight, Agamemnon angrily yelled that he would force Patroclus to fight if Achilles did not.
Amara impulsively yelled, “Coward!” Agamemnon asked who had said that, to which Aegis replied: “Your mom.” Enraged, Agamemnon declared himself the Trojan champion and launched into battle with Aegis.
The fight was quick and brutal, with Aegis’ barbarian Rage dealing quite a lot of damage in two turns. Agamemnon tried to run away, only to be stopped by Achilles, who threw his spear at Agamemnon but missed. Aegis then finished Agamemnon off with a mighty blow to the ass (rolling a natural 20, no less), covering her hand in entrails but winning her the fight.
Amid a cheering Trojan crowd, Aegis went to wash her hands in the River Scamander. The river spirit rose up and quarreled with Aegis, but she convinced him to back down. Achilles and Patroclus asked Kallos if she would marry them, to which Kallos agreed. Aegis convinced the Trojans to allow Achilles and Patroclus to be married at Aegis’ celebratory feast.
The party members then checked their pockets and found that they were each missing one gold piece and Odysseus had left, having finally gotten the upper hand on them.
As was prepared for the wedding, Aegis was startled by a loud crashing sound and the entrance of her mother Eris.

“You stopped the war,” Eris said menacingly, then smiled in satisfaction. “The Fates are so frustrated, I love it. Keep on causing chaos, baby girl. Oh, and by the way…”
She handed Aegis a golden apple with an inscription that Aegis could not read.
“This is a wedding gift. It says who it’s for in the inscription, but you could just put it out where everyone can see. It will get to the right person eventually.”

Kallos came into the room but was unable to see Eris. Kallos asked about the golden apple, to which Aegis replied it was a gift from her mother. Kallos read her the inscription ("To the Fairest") and, misinterpreting it as a gift for Aegis herself, commented that her mother must love her very much.

“I don’t think my mommy is very proud of me,” Aegis admitted.
“Why wouldn’t she be?” Kallos asked. “You saved the city, and you did not kill anyone you were not supposed to. I am so proud of you. And you look so beautiful today. Here—let me have the apple, and I will give it to you, because you are the fairest.”

Out of the corner of Aegis’ eye, she could see her mother look disapprovingly at Kallos, then vanish altogether, leaving Aegis and the rest of the party to enjoy their feast.

Relations

Protagonists

Aegis, Amara, Callidora, Kallos, Meredythe Maegwund

Allies

Helen of Troy, Achilles, Patroclus, Cassandra

Neutrals/Bystanders

Odysseus, Sinon, Eris (unclear)

Adversaries

Agamemnon, Eris (unclear)

Plot type

Session