BDSM Army
Like every strong nation, our world has a formidable army of its own. But this is no regular army, it’s a BDSM army. It’s known across the multiverse for its BDSM outfits and intimidating accessories that feature spikes, leather belts and chains. Its exact battle tactics are a bit of a mystery to other worlds, but apart from the spikes and chains there’s also talk of a final boss and BDSM dungeons; things no one wants to have to experience first hand and find out what exactly they’re about.
BDSM Army is not a permamnet formation, as wars in our world are very rare. The army is gathered only in the time of need, and consists of members that area ready to take on the role. They try their best to be ready at all times, but will undergo especially intense training in times leading up to a war.
But if you dare, you’re free to read here what exactly goes on with the BDSM Army.
Battle Tactics
Our world faced a terrible and devastating war in its history, and after that the people of our world have seriously reconsidered how to go about future wars in case they occur. They replaced the fights, death and destruction the old ways of wars brought with more civilized battle tactics. Our army doesn’t fight with brute force, but will test the enemy’s intelligence, creativity, physical strength and style in other ways.
An average war will follow these basic steps:
- Intimidation: As our army doesn’t fight, intimidation is their most important weapon. Chain rattlers and flag carries will try to scare and confuse you throughout the entire battle. They, as well as the chess players, will be glad to bring up their BDSM dungeon as much as they can as well. You don’t wanna know what happens in there.
- Shit talking: First when you face the BDSM army, they will engage you in a shit talking battle. They won’t hold back here, they will try really hard to hurt your warriors feelings to beat down their morale.
- Chess game: After shit talking the enemies will have to battle chess players in a game of chess. This is to test your intelligence, and also your army’s ability to work together. They will get one chess piece each and will have to work together to win the match. This may take a while, and no breaks for rest, food and bathroom are allowed. Oh, we’re sure your armies are used to brutal conditions, but have they ever played a chess game in a barren hellscape that is our wasteland?
- Dance battle: Now that your mental resilience and intelligence have been tested, your army will have to show off your physical strength, agility and creativity in form of a choreographed dance to music of our army’s choice
- Final boss battle: Just the fact that there is a final boss is part of intimidation itself. But this is no regular sword fight, your style and appearance very much play a crucial role here. Sure it’s easy to stab someone with a sword, but can you woosh your hair gracefully while doing it? How elegant were you while dodging the final boss's attack? Do you have dry hair and split ends? See, all of this counts in this final boss battle.
- Humiliation: One very important aspect of the battle is humiliation, and it goes hand in hand with intimidation. You see, our people see foreign armies as uncultured, slow-witted brutes, not accustomed to more sophisitcated things such as chess and dance. Surely they will be caught off guard when faced with the BDSM Army’s challenges and may even feel uncomfortable performing some of them. As a matter of fact, the last army that dared to attack us was shamed into submission just during the shit talking part of the battle, so don’t underestimate the power of shame.
BDSM Warriors
BDSM Army has many warriors that fill different roles in the army. They all wear their own distinct uniforms, more on which you can read here. The different roles are as follows:
Chess players
The first and most basic type of a warrior is a chess player. They are exactly what the name says. Their role is to play chess with the enemy’s army on the World’s Most Giant Chess Board. Each of the warriors gets one of the chess pieces, the leader of the army gets the king piece. All of the 16 warriors work together and consult each other before making each move, and the enemy’s army is advised to do the same. The chess players are fairies, with the exception of the queen - this should be the leaders (king's) wife.
They are also the ones doing most of the shit talking at the first stage of the battle.
Flag Carriers
Flag carriers carry the BDSM Army’s flag. They’re the ones who lead the army’s way to the chess board, and walk ahead of everyone else. Once at the chess board, their job is not done yet. They are there to perform their sick moves and wave the flags in a way dazzling to the enemies. This is to deconcentrate them while trying to think of their next chess move.
Chain Rattlers
Chain rattlers are here to rattle chains. They do so on the way to the chess board and all throughout the chess match. They are here mainly for intimidation and to deconcentrate the enemies. They don’t use their chains to attack, but just the fact they might is intimidating. They absolutely will use it for defense if they have to, so don’t attack them if you don’t wanna get beaten with chains.
They will join in with the shit talking in the beginning, and will taunt your army all throughout the battle. They will make you very well aware of the BDSM dungeon where you and your army will surely end up if you don’t do well in this fight.
In case that the other army doesn't respect our rules of battle and doesn't play along, they are very capable of acting as the just in case battle unit. In this they might call in the backup fighters with flails.
Dancers
If you made it successfully through the chess match, you will have to face the dancers. They will challenge you to a dance battle with music of their choice. They will be joined by flag carriers who will gladly show off their fancy moves with flags here too, so you better be prepared for that.
Final Boss
If you made it through a chess match and dance battle, you will now have to fight the final boss of the BDSM Army. The most important thing you have to know about the final boss is, they are the person who has the nicest hair of the army. This is somehow very important, for reasons not entirely known even to the writer of this very article; but hey, he doesn’t make the rules, he just writes them down. The final boss may also get some sweet hair extensions to fill this role if necessary.
The final boss is equipped with the ceremonial sword, and will challenge the final boss of your army to a sword fight. Keep in mind though, the hair is just as important to this battle as your sword fighting skill, so don’t send a bald guy into this battle, no matter how good of a sword fighter he is.
BDSM Dungeon
Ok, alright, it’s time to be honest now. There is no BDSM dungeon. This is just a part of the army’s intimidation tactics. They will bring up the idea of it, and let your own mind fill in the blanks of what might happen there. Surely those chains are heavily involved. And the ceremonial daggers. And who knows what else is there, possibly some adult recreational devices that shouldn’t be mentioned in a safe work environment. Is this the kind of stuff you want yourself or your army to be subjected to? Surely not. Good thing the BDSM dungeon isn’t real. Heh heh.
Or is it?
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