EBelt: Oh wow this chapter…first, I really enjoyed this chapter, second, this is going to be a little long.(Sorry, but some stuff happened and I want to talk about it) I think Mina is going to be an interesting character, especially if she comes up more. In the first chapter she seemed really kind and caring, and she did in this one too. Right up until she left her daughter !! (Which I am not mad about, just confused as to why, but I’m sure you’ll answer that question later) The tension in this chapter I think was really good. Particularly when they were being chased up the mountain. It was a little lower, and I did not feel quite as worried when maybe Allen’s lie would be found out, but I still think tension would really good in this chapter. I also like how we got an introduction to the magic early on, and we are able to see it in action. And I really like this description for some reason. I think it is just worded well. “As she tumbles, the mountain smashes her bones, lacerates her limbs and brutalizes her organs.” I also really enjoy Tia in this. We seem to see her personality a little bit more. When she sees her mom leave she doesn’t even think about not following her, which could speak of her love for her mom, or of her impetuousness, maybe both. (I don’t know Tia’s character well enough to know if she’s impetuous or not). But not only personality, but coolness under pressure. While being chased up the mountain we were able to see her gather herself and use her powers. We also saw that when she was talking with Martin and Ben (gotta feel bad for him though), which I think was also good. And this is a good chapter because we get more questions. We do not really have any questions answered for the first chapter, instead we get more questions. Particularly at the end, when we start to ask, “Who the heck is Lillith?” “Who the heck are these people?” “Should we like them?” “They don’t seem like good people, are they?” And being able to give your reader questions without stating questions in the work is a really good thing. However, there are just a few little things that I am not quite sure about. And they are actually just little things, you can easily fix. First, is that my suspicion of disbelief got tested here. "It's then she notices the stone embedded in her leg, large enough to poke out both sides.” And it is just this part, mostly because how did she not bleed out, because there’s a “gash still present in her thigh.” (Granted, the stone could have been thin and might not have hit a major artery or vein, but still I was just a little skeptical here.) And then there’s this weird time gap. If that makes sense. So Mina is right next to her daughter, “Mina gasps, her eyes hazing over. Tia focuses the transformation on her leg.” Then she does magic to get the stone out of her leg, “She looks back up now, reaching for her mother, and freezes. She is alone….She could see her mother descending the mountain on the other side.” How long did that transformation take? And it is a mountain, how did Mina get down so fast? Is it actually more of a hill then? Or a really small mountain maybe? Did they just run really, really fast? Now this is third-person, but it is also third-person limited, and because it is third-person limited Tia should not be able to know the name of the soldier, Ben. “Tia whips around as her pursuer rounds the corner. He is dressed in the uniform of a soldier, one of the new escorts. His armor glints in the moonlight. Ben rides toward her without slowing,” So I did get a little confused over this, but it really is not that big of a deal. And just two more things (Sorry, this is kind of long), but Tia has a giant mood swing here, which I guess it is because she’s a teenager, but it just seemed strange. She is with Allen and telling him what happened to Mina, she goes from being sad and about to cry, and then to scowling, which would imply she is angry or irritated. So maybe just a little word change there. Lastly, and it is just a sentence thing, which honestly I really should not even be bringing it up, but I got confused twice and I had to stop to figure out what this sentence was saying. “She [Lillith] runs her fingers over his scales before making her way through her simple home.” The first time I read this I just wasn’t sure, but I moved on figuring context would help, then I got more confused. The second time, I thought it was some sort of vision she was having, but then Ivy and Lillith both go into the house. So clearly it was not a vision. So, and this could totally just be me and the way I put sentences together, but the sentence, I think, is just weirdly worded. But overall, I really did enjoy this chapter. I felt bad for Mina, then got mad at her. I really enjoyed Tia in this. She is more active in this chapter, and I liked that ( of course, it is okay to have a somewhat passive character as a main character), but I still enjoyed her. I think Allen’s personality also came across in this. A protective dad, who wants to do what is best for his daughter. And lastly, the plot so far is excellent. Giving the readers questions without stating any, adding in some introductions to the magic, and having Mina just leave her daughter I think was also a really good one.   LeeStepp: Wow, it's exciting to hear someone is enjoying some of my favorite moments and these scenes had the effect I was going for! This chapter is something the sets the course for the rest of Tia's life and, with it, Emynea. Hearing the parts that confused you definitely helps. I definitely should be clearer on some of my description. Like that Mina didn't necessarily make it all the way down the mountain so much as out of Tia's perception. The 'Tenebrous Mountains' this is set in have extremely thick and gnarled forests as well as shadow magic lingering in the mist and boughs of the trees and I should make a bigger effort to convey that. And yes, the gash on her leg was definitely something that resulted in significant blood loss. It alone might've left her unconscious if not for the transformation. I should also apologize for how confusing the perspective in my writing can be. I'm still working out the specifics of how to do this properly. I'm unsure of when exactly I'm supposed to drop names in and wasn't sure if it is inappropriate to just plop it in (I hate going 'the man' or 'the soldier' or what have you too much). And I can see how the beginning of the scene with Lillith can be confusing. I struggled with the description scene of Lillith sitting on her back porch watching the swamp and plan to go back to complete it later. And as for Tia's mood swinging the way it did, Tia herself has a bit of an anger problem early on! She'll have rapidly bitter or angry reactions to specific occurrences as a kind of emotional self-defense. I should probably word it a bit better to avoid confusion though. I really appreciate all of the feedback!!