EBelt: First, if the reader is supposed to hate Martin, you've accomplished your goal. He's a jerk, and I really just want to strangle him. Secondly, I really like the dad. He seems like a great guy, who genuinely wants to take care of his family. Tia also seems nice, however I personally find her just a little boring. (In the Chapter 2 I find her much more interesting, however that could be because in Chapter 2 she is more active, while here she is much more passive. Also I do understand in Chapter 1 you are really just setting the stage.) So, even though your characters seem fairly good, and your setting is very interesting. The Point of Views got confusing, particularly near the end. I couldn't tell if the main POV was Martin, or the guard, or the wife. So, if you are going to switch POVs in the same chapter I would suggest making it obvious you are switching POVs. For example, "Mina smiled at her husband, "Too tired to follow up for that discussion you promised her." she whispers. Because sometimes it is a little jarring to realize you're in the head of Mina, as opposed to a different character, then you possibly and suddenly switch to Martin's. And I know, you'll fix this in your redraft, bu the descriptions are very factual (which is not a bad thing!), but they are also boring. Maybe add in emotions to Tia's narration, or have something that she is seeing remind her of something she cared about back home. You did that here, and I really liked that. It told me a little bit about what it was like back home for Tia, and how she reacted. "It was poor etiquette to expose your magic form in public, vulgar even. Those of high rank or wealth rarely ever exposed themselves in that way. She couldn't help but marvel, watching this underwater world below her." You also did that here a little bit, "Tia was amazed at how readily the people here seemed to utilize their magic," By this time. I, personally speaking, want to know what else Tia is feeling, besides wonder and awe. But overall it was a good rough draft with interesting characters, and I am really curious to see how Martin fits into all of this, and what Allen whispered to his wife and the significance of it, as well as more of the world. I know there's magic systems in this, and I can't wait to see more of the rules and how it works. This is such an interesting story that I can't wait to read more of!   LeeStepp: Thanks for the amazing and detailed feedback! Yes I am still working on how exactly I want to utilize POV and my descriptive skills are still shaky at best. Adding in the character's experience of their environments is something I definitely am getting the hang of. Its exciting to hear your reactions to Martin and Allen! Both are major characters and Allen is a favorite of mine. Martin is definitely a jerk and is meant to be a very imperfect character. Some of his more likeable/redeeming attributes will come forward as the story progresses. There is a lot of history between Allen and Martin as well. I am also a little unsatisfied with how I am portraying Tia so far. She changes a LOT as the story goes by and portraying her in the beginning is a little difficult for me. She has a lot of social anxiety due to her experiences as a child, so it'll take a bit for her to come out of her shell. Most of the time, she is unsure of what is the 'normal' or 'expected' behavior thanks to years of ostracization and this makes her seem quite passive. Hopefully I can portray this better as I improve. Your feedback has definitely confirmed a number of things I suspected needed improvement as well as a few I wasn't aware of. Thanks for taking the time to both read this and give me feedback, its very exciting!   EBelt: Of course, I can't wait to read the other chapters and see how everything in your world fits together! And if you don't mind, I'll probably give you feedback on your other chapters as well.