Chapter 9   The entire first part with Tia is overall good. Descriptions, dialogue, they are all there. When Tia is remembering the time she lost her mother, I kind of like that we’re still feeling the effects of that night, which is good. Everything in books has some sort of reaction/action and a consequence, even if it’s small. But at the same time it’s extremely chaotic. What is Azowyr doing? Why is he appearing? Is any of this important? And who’s Niro? (I get my answer later in the chapter) I assume it’s important because it’s in the book, however I don’t know if I should remember Niro or Azowyr randomly appearing because 1) I didn’t get a good introduction with Niro specifically and 2) It felt really just “What’s happening?” Specifically with Azowry appearing.   The part with Euan is better. I liked the gossip and that we could see what was going on in different parts of camp, and this could be a way of cleverly foreshadowing something what with Euan’s careless/carefree manner the readers would never know it was actually important. However, I kind of feel like this should go first. Maybe if you cut the description of Tia, and maybe make to where he can’t see through the shadows or can’t see Tia for some reason. That would give it a bit more mystery, and almost prepare the reader for the things that would happen in Tia’s section. It would probably make it less surprising and confusing.   I also liked the scene with the Ben and Beatrice. It was a nice break in tension and a good transition in tone. I did enjoy the scene with Aldric and Tia. We get a look into Aldric’s life with his unit, and we see some of Tia’s struggles. But the dialogues kind of dry. There’s not much there. If that makes any sense. Another small thing is that I have no idea who’s POV it is. It seems like Tia’s, but should she know it’s Aldric? I thought they were being “secret friends?”   The ending scene was very interesting, and I think probably the best in this chapter. It was interesting and had a mysterious tone. The dialogue was better, and had a little more mystery to it. And even though as the reader we know what happened, I like that we get to see Mina’s reaction, and that she still does care for Tia. Even if she did runaway.   But overall good chapter with interesting things. We got some mystery. Some information. And we get a little more information about what Mina is up to.

Chapter 10 The first scene with Aldric is a really nice sweet scene. I liked the dialogue and it shows that they’ve gotten closer. And it was just a sweet scene. But it did get a little confusing, because they don’t know who each other are. So if this is from TIa’s perspective then it wouldn’t be “Aldric” it would be “Al.”   And I liked the fight scene with Ifani. I thought think that was a good way to get them to grow closer together. And start having Tia grow as a swordswoman. And I enjoyed the ending with Ifani, still not completely friends with Tia.   The politics of course were really interesting, and I enjoyed that scene. I liked the ending, but I think it would have been better if you had mentioned it was Mina. Because the readers know how unstable Mina and Allen’s relationship is. So I think if you mentioned it, would it make the reader want to keep reading. And then at the end of the chapter that was all interesting. I liked how you’re starting to tie everything together. Having the characters you’ve introduced before start to play a roll in the overall plot.   And then Euan and Annie, I’m curious to see where that’s going to lead. And I’m interested in this new kind of magic it seems that you’ve introduced. I liked that scene beforehand with Euan and his Unit, which really shows how there are issues in the other units. Not just Tia’s. And we were also able to get a little but more of a look at the other characters in the book, that have just been mentioned.

I can't believe I missed all of these this whole time! D: I'll have to pay closer attention. I'm quite a bit late on replying to these and I've changed so much of these chapters already, but thank you for the feedback anyway!   Chapter 8 : So yeah I've gone back and added quite a bit to these scenes, like Tia resonating with Azowyr during this dream rather than just a nightmare alone. A bit of retcon actually. I suppose some of my POV can get confusing sometimes. It's not always been my style to set a single, set point of view so much as just describing the experiences as they happen. And yes, Tia is angry because Euan is putting a lot of attention on her in a public space, embarrassing her essentially when she's already feeling overwhelmed and alone. She tends to be contrary on impulse. All this while she's too tired to shrug it off. I definitely need to pay more attention to the POV it seems. It's not even something that I think about when I'm writing and that's probably the problem. It's sort of an omniscient POV that sometimes focuses in on an individual's experience? Something I should definitely clarify better I suppose.   Chapter 9: Oh boy this chapter. This was such chaos, written while I was inebriated initially and then combed back over a million million times to try and get it coherent! This bit certainly wasn't planned but it gave me a ton to work with! And yes, 'what the hell happened' is a feeling meant for not just Tia and the staff, but for everyone including the reader to figure out. A chaotic, impactful and mysterious event that leaves everyone trying to figure out what just happened. Of course, Azowyr is the major perpetrator and the mystery of what is he doing? what does it mean? All of that is definitely intentional. Though, I've gone back and adjusted this chapter so many times now that it may likely be different from when you read it (the trouble with publishing rough drafts). I can at least answer: yes, all of this is important in Tia's journey and transformation. This is a critical moment and all others that resemble it will also be the same (including in the dream with Azowyr which I added to later). And yes I suppose Niro's appearance is a bit oddly placed. He's meant to be a mysterious character in the beginning. Especially who he is, where does he come from. His appearances are like little easter eggs until the truth is revealed and then man, massive shocker/twist. As for Azowyr, it won't be the last time you see him and... I think I've added more dialogue? I've been doing monumental editing to the point I feel guilty towards anyone who read it early upon release. I think my upcoming chapters will be far better edited before being released as compared to how I've done so far. I've refined my writing quite a bit recently so hopefully that helps! Also... the idea of putting Euan's snooping first may be a good idea actually! A lot of the first scene with Tia is meant to look and feel like a flashbulb memory for Tia, some PTSD flashback Azowyr is taking advantage of for his own ends. I did worry it might be too confusing. Having Euan's perspective first may be a good primer actually. As I said, this chapter took a LOT of clean up thanks to a very rough starting point. It certainly looks a LOT different now than to initial release.   Chapter 10: It seems me not thinking about POV much at all is causing considerable confusion that I hadn't even recognized. A hole in my writing style I suppose (much like how I used to be absolutely nonsensical with my verb tenses a few years back. Been reading some of that and oof. Hopefully I can overcome this snag as well). Adding in that it is Mina when he enters his room probably would be an improvement to that hook too, I think you're right. As for Euan and Annie... they'll certainly be a lot of fun, I've got a lot of plans for them and one other character who becomes involved. And yes, I hope to show off more of the side characters as well. There is going to be a big fight scene with Euan's unit which had a TON of planning go into it. Then again, a 9 on 9 battle with all this magic is bound to get complicated. Oh and the new magic! True Magic is definitely exciting, it has a lot of applications and is far more dynamic than racial magic but it also isn't as common place--not everyone can do it. In fact only mages can! There will be quite a bit of cultural, societal and organizational bits revolving around this I plan on weaving in subtly coming up in the next couple of chapters. I'm very excited about how everything is developing!   Again, I've done an absolutely monumental amount of editing over the last month. Rereading and editing and rereading and editing. I had found a bunch of my old writings, going over my writing while I was still doing it regularly, and I feel I've made a number of breakthroughs in my style which should show in my editing and in upcoming chapters! Of course, your feedback has also been monumental in helping me improve, so all I can say is thank you again! You'll find the story has been altered quite a bit taking your advice under consideration and well... just general improvements and a bunch of scenes have also been added to the old but I also understand if you're not up for rereading what you've already read. Either way, just thank you again for all of your feedback! I'm at the point in my writing where that's something I value immensely right now! I hope you enjoy what's to come!!

You're welcome! I have had so much fun helping you with your writing journey. And I probably will go back and reread everything but I think I'll wait till you've completed the story. Just so I can see the before and after.   But I think in order to receive notifications from here, you need to click the "Follow Thread" button, which I am for some reason just noticing.

Yes I hadn't realized I needed to Im glad Ive got it fixed now! And I understand. It will definitely be very different by the end of this book. For the first time in years it feels like I can get to that point, that I can see it! I've got so much more planned out then ever before it's very exciting. There are really only two unplanned portions and even those I have the general idea for I'm just figuring out the smaller details. Thanks so much for being a part of the journey so far!

I liked the beginning of the chapter. We finally get to see what’s going on with Lily/Lilith, and it makes me really curious what her plan is and what operation she’s got going on. Which is good. I think the scene overall is fine. The dialogue is interesting, and I kind of like that it was somewhat over the top with a fair amount of compliments. I think that fits both of the characters. Now, it was fairly obvious that Lily/Lilith was probing for information and going for a manipulative kind of thing. I don’t know if you wanted to make that subtler, but parts like “My sister one the other hand dresses herself up….” (The emphasis makes it kind of obvious what she’s trying to do.)   So, first off, the nightmare scene…was amazing. The descriptions were great. Tension was lovely. One thing I think would be better is if you maybe gave a slightly more happier or at least curious/adventurous tone. You do sort of give an initial tone with “an odor she had come to crave….enjoying the tickle of their frizzy mossy blankets” but it comes in a little too late. So, if you established a more relaxed tone and then have the door appear, it would be a more obvious tonal switch and then you could head into that wonderfully done scene of terror. I also like that Tia and Infani are starting to get along, and I like that the friendship between them isn’t immediate. I think, a lot of interesting conflicts and tense moments are going to be about growing their friendship. However, I’m confused as for why you had Ifani ask Tia, what she was doing. To which Tia responds, “Changing.” I just don’t see the point in it. I do like that there’s more to Infani that a quick temper and a large amount of fire, which we got to see in the little meeting with Albert, Ifani, and Tia.   OH my GosH, this scene. First, before I start shipping Euan and Annie (Anuan? Eunnie?), I’m going to say that I really liked this. It did two things fairly well, give us a look into the different kind of magic. And shows us who Annie is as a character. The dialogue here is pretty good. And it was just fun. I also think Bubbles is an interesting aspect in the world building part of the story. However, I will caution you that you don’t make this a “instant attraction” kind of thing, where both characters are already in love from the moment they meet. If that’s what you’re going for, I would say make sure the readers know the motivations and wants of each character in the relationship. Because in a romance we care about the characters not the plot/story they’re in.   The scene with Duff and Wyrm was interesting. And I like that we’re seeing a bit more of Duff and his motivations and wants. I also liked the scene with Tia and Niro. We see Tia growing and progressing in her powers, as well as Infani and her’s relationship. One more thing that I liked was that you’re still keeping Mina at the back of our minds. Reminding us, she’s not quite gone.   The scene with Albert, Ifani and Tia under the tree was really nice and we got a deeper look into the magic system, which was nice. And I think it was done well. It wasn’t an overwhelming amount of information, just the amount we needed to get a question answered.   So, the part where Felicity stomps in is kind of unexpected, which I think is what you were going for, and I don’t remember if you explained what happened between the siblings, (if you did I’m sorry I can’t remember). If you haven’t I’m excited to see what you’re going to do with that relationship.   There were some parts in the book that were just a bit awkward, like the opening scene. And it did occasionally drag, like when Tia went back to her dad’s house. When they’re greeting each other and such, I didn’t really care about that. But still very good chapter. There were several interesting things, like getting to know different types/aspects of magic. Growing the relationship with the characters. And there are several hooks and barbs, like the dream that Tia had and what’s going on with Duff, as well as what Lily/Lilith is planning. POV has also gotten better, dialogue too. I think the best part of this was Tia’s dream scene.

I'm glad the chapter seemed to have the effects I was going for. I wasn't sure I made it obvious enough what was going on between those two (undercover covert exchange of intel and Eshana indicating her disguise to Lily).   I'm also glad the nightmare scene was a success I enjoyed it quite a bit myself! I've even considered writing horror soon. Tho I'm not totally sure I understand what you mean about the tone.   I suppose my intent with Ifani there is to indicate her discomfort with sharing her living space (especially as an autistic character).   As for Annie and Euan, I'm glad their exchanges are enjoyable, they are one of my favorite couples in the series. I'm trying to be careful with how quickly I smush my intended couples together. These two I'm not too worried about doing this because... I have a lot of hurdles, complications and turmoil planned for the relationship itself. From within and due to outside sources.   As for Felicity and Allen... There is certainly a story there and don't worry, you aren't forgetting anything. That was the first glimpse at their messy relationship. Even the deceased Minx siblings still have their own intense influence over the story. It's sad to hear the greetings were dull. It's meant to touch on how people react to autism and a few related topics but I suppose that might not be as entertaining to people who aren't familiar with these topics.   Thanks for letting me hear your thoughts on chapter 11! Chapter 12 should be very engaging, as they finally depart the valley compound. Fun new characters are introduced and some tense scenes take place. Hope you enjoy!

Okay, so maybe start off the nightmare scene with how Tia enjoys it or at least wants to explore it. Maybe "she found herself in a gulch. With her innate curiosity, she started exploring." Now that's bad and pretty rough, but something like that. In the original, it's more She's in a gulch. It's fun. She likes it. Not a whole lot going emotionally. If that makes sense.

The first section with the girl and her brother. The descriptions were good, dialogue was good. Very mysterious. Makes me want to read more. And I hate picking at little details, like syntax or world choice, because that’s technically supposed to come later, like when editing the last drafts, but just two things. “We’re out of options, Inge.” He insists gravely.” You can just get rid of gravely and it reads the exact same. Same thing with “You’re not going alone!” He cuts her off emphatically.” You don’t need empathically. We know it’s empathic because of the exclamation point.   The part where they all move out is actually interesting. I was surprised when reading it I actually found it somewhat engaging. I think you did a good job with describing it, not overwhelming your reader and making it seem too boring and formal. And adding in Tia and Duff’s POV really helped as well. And it was all spaced out quite nicely. However, I will say that knowing this information should be important. Knowing where the different Divisions are should come up later, like in a battle or somethig. Because if this is just something the reader knows, and is never referenced later then it shouldn’t be in the story or described with this much detail.   Okay, so the ritual with the King’s Shadows was interesting, and I did enjoy parts of it. Liked the beginning couple of paragraphs and the ending, but I don’t know why the chanting is in their, usually chanting shows like some ritual about to be performed, but no ritual was performed. And the dialogue is a little stiff in this scene, I think talking about having a familiar as “His link” Could fit better somewhere else, or maybe just brush up the dialogue. It’s supposed to be a mysterious and almost solemn tone, but I just can’t take anyone seriously here. I wasn’t laughing, but when the dialogue came, I definitely wasn’t feeling any tension or nervousness. (Which I think is what you were going for here.) I personally think you can find a different section to add the “His link” information, and just cut this scene. However, the next scene is fabulous. The descriptions were one point. Very nice. And while I would usually say “Add in what Nigel’s feeling.” I’m glad you didn’t, because I think it’s good without. I don’t think this scene needs any improvements, not large ones anyways. But this was definitely a better and much more interesting and tension-filled scene than the one previously.   Okay this was kind of fun. I kind of enjoy Arabella, but right now she’s just kind of a jerk. But because it’s from Tia’s POV, and as the reader we’re seeing stuff through her eyes and with the “warmth to her as well.” We’re not all jumping on the “Hate Arabella” ship. Which is good. (Unless that’s what you wanted, in which case, might wanna fix that.) But dialogue was good. I found it fun, and I’m not one for curse words, but it definitely worked here. And I honestly don’t think it would work as well, or give the same impression of Arabella without them. I’m also curious what Orin’s deal is. He’s usually not so snappy. But then again, maybe he’s just tired.   Dang, this dude moves fast! Like what the heck?! Okay, this scene was fun. Dialogue was interesting, and I just enjoyed this scene. It was fun. Tia was in-character awkward, and Orin was just making me feel a bunch of different things. However, is flirting skills could be just a little bit better. Like the beginning part is fine, the “I have you here to catch me.” Good. But then his flirting kind of falls apart, and it’s not really flirting anymore, just him being not a bad manipulator. And honestly the scene has made as confused as Tia. This was just overall really fun.   Okay, so first, I hope mentioning that people connected to Raegeric are slightly safer in this crazy place is important to the plot and that’s going to come back later. Because you gave it a whole paragraph. So, it’s obviously somewhat important. Or really anything else in that paragraph, I kind of expect to have some play into future chapters. (Just as n FYI). Second, I think the fight scene was okay. The part where Tia did her weird magic thing was also interesting. But I did kind of get bored as it came to an end. I felt like you could maybe describe a little bit more of what Tia was feeling and cut back on some of the describing scenes. Something was just off in the battle scene when she’s using the fear power. It’s good, just not great. And I think if you cut some parts and shorted some of it up, adding in what Tia’s feeling, and her motivations of why she’s still down there. Besides wanting to help the girl would really help make us more invested in that battle.   The beginning of The Twins was okay. As amazing as this canyon seems to be, I don’t particularly care for it right now. It reads without any emotion and feels very textbook-y. But it’s not bad, maybe just pretend Tia’s describing it, but don’t have the text say “Tia saw” or “Tia felt” that should keep it somehow omniscient. But, oh my gosh, Brynjar, I think I love this man already. First, I love this interaction. We’ve got some fun group dynamics, and I’m really looking forward to seeing how they work together. And when they’re showing off their powers, that was pretty fun. However, I would say when Inge and Brynjar are talking to each other maybe have it in italics, so the reader can know quickly. It gets a little confusing, especially when the indication is just a single quote. I accidentally mistook it for a typo thinking he had said it out loud, and then I got confused. So, maybe have it in italics or underline it or something. Just some indication that he’s using telepathy.   But overall great chapter this was really interesting, and I’m still waiting for those character arcs to start taking off and becoming more apparent that they’re changing. Maybe start really fleshing out these characters, give some motivations for why they’re out here, besides “because of government.”And then start working on your battle scenes. The one with Tia and the pirates was a little rough around the edges.   I would also say try to figure out how you're going to work with POV. Especially, because in The Twins there's really no POV, while in the majority of the other ones it's obviously Tia's POV, or whoever's. You're doing just fine when you make it obvious who's POV it is, like one switching scenes or sections. But maybe try to always have someone's POV. Like in the beginning of The Twins, maybe have it slowly transition from a somewhat omniscient perspective to Tia and what she's thinking and feeling. Then go into Albert's comment about the teammates. And do the rest with her POV.   Now, you can totally have a story with no POV, but your story has a lot of character and it will be easier to flesh out those characters if you use Tia's POV. Use it to help develop your other characters. Use how she sees the world to influence the reader to give the impression that you want. If you want someone to come off as a jerk, have Tia think 'He's a jerk.' Or if you want the reader to think he's a jerk have Tia think 'He's a jerk.' and the reader will probably believe it. Because Tia believes it.   As the reader we will see almost everything how the POV characters sees it. use that to your advantage and use it to help build and grow characters. Use that POV to misdirect your readers, get them to think something else, and then blindside them with the truth. Now, I'm not saying it's bad to not have any POV, I'm just saying I think you could be better when it comes to that element of literature. And you have improved so much, seriously. But those are just some suggestions.   Anyways, this chapter was really good. I love the new characters. I think they're going to be super interesting and I cannot wait for group dynamics! The descriptions were good, none of them were super boring, and I did enjoy some of them. I think this story is going very well, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

The first section, I really feel for Tia, oh wow. First, I enjoy this scene. It’s really sweet and sounds like two friends talking. This was really, sad. Like seriously. I think you did a good job developing Tia and the friendship enough that it’s not super out of the ordinary for Tia to be crying in front of this guy, who’s name she doesn’t even know. But for every line of dialogue you give you always add some sort of descriptive tag. And you don’t need that. For one, it can be kind of distracting and ruin the pace of the dialogue. And secondly, readers are pretty smart, you don’t need to describe every little thing that the characters are doing. They can probably figure it out for themselves. For example, and this is kind of silly, but “'Scares you?’ Aldric questions, his voice softening.” First, you don’t need ‘questions’ we know it’s a question, because there’s a question mark. And secondly, saying his ‘voice softened’ makes me think that his voice was harsh before. When it wasn’t. You could probably just leave “scares you?” And it would be just fine. We don’t need to know that Aldric was asking a question or that his voice softened. It doesn’t add anything to his character or to the scene. On the other hand a few paragraphs later, “‘Tskui…!’ Aldric breathes, squeezing her hands tightly has her face twitches and wrinkles with sorrow, ‘I….’ he struggles to find any words for her that aren’t shallow or empty.” Besides cutting “breathes” and differences in preferred word choice, this is good. We see that Aldric cares for her just by you describing he squeezes her hand. And there are a couple other times where I would keep the descriptions after the dialogue, but there’s too much for me to go through and edit the whole thing.   First, THEY’RE BACK!! And this was just fun. I think this really brought out who Euan is and what he cares about when he looks at people. Not their titles or status but who they are as a person. And Annie was just sweet, honestly. I enjoyed this scene I liked the little world building you did with the flowers and the bees, which you may have mentioned earlier in the story. I don’t know if you did, but if you did that was excellent foreshadowing. (If you didn’t I would suggest you add it somewhere, just so it doesn’t seem random or something.) And I just want to mention how much I love ‘pretentious snobs’ that was beautiful word choice. So, good job on this scene.   But this guy, Orin, is not someone good. (Which is too bad because I kinda liked him.) But anyways, first I did enjoy that we got to see a little bit more of Brynjar and Ifani together, which is definitely an interesting dynamic already. And this was actually well written because we can see Brynjar being willing to prove himself to Infani, and how much Ifani cares for her friends. However, would have liked to get a scene with Inge and Albert maybe doing the same thing with Brynjar and Ifani, using some dialogue to show and reveal a little bit more about Inge and Albert.   I like how you changed modern speakers and such to using crystals, which I think is an interesting little world building tip. I like that you gave a quick follow-up to the research done in the previous scene. The scene with Euan and Annie was okay. I personally, don’t see the point in it. I didn’t really get any new information, other than the fact that Annie may be a little shy, but I think we kind of already knew that. But the next scene with Infani and Inge I enjoyed more (not to say that the previous scene was bad, I just don’t understand why you need to have it in there.) But I thought that scene was really good at developing Inge more and having that relationships develop, and we got to get a closer look at Infani, who is definitely an interesting character that is really starting to grow on me. And even getting some more info on Brynjar. But I don’t know why Infaini suddenly mentions the music. If it’s some sort of characterization or foreshadowing thing, then I guess it’s fine, but maybe don’t make it so abrupt, because it’s such a sudden change in topic. Maybe have the conversation last just a bit longer or edit some thing out.   In the next section there’s Yang, who is quite the diva. (She’s interesting, and someone I’m sure will be important some way to the plot in the future) And I gotta say the scene with Orin and Tia is actually kind of sweet. Even though he’s lie not supposed to be a good guy or whatever…is it bad that I like him? And of course, I’m obviously curious about all the character drama between him, Ifani, and Andrea. Sirius, oh my gosh, he’s the kinda guy who’d make me feel some things. First, introduction and I already like him. But let me just say, Albert moves really fast. Like my gosh, kisses him like that! (I’m not saying this is a bad thing, I think you did a fairly good job making it obvious that Albert really, really likes this dude. So, I guess it’s not too surprising. I imagine it was kind of an impulse thing for Albert.)   But this part I like. Because her ewe get a more present antagonist. I mean, we kind of new Andrea was a bit of a jerk, but now we really know. So, I’m glad that you’re bringing in some more obstacles for Tia, and having a different antagonist besides Ghislaine, who let’s be honest, hasn’t been much of a presence in the books, when it comes to screen time. So, I’m glad that there’s now a more tangible(?) problem, other than interpersonal, I guess. (Does that make sense?) And, honestly, during these past couple of chapters Duff hasn’t been doing much, or we haven’t seen him doing anything, so I’m gad to see that he’s still around and that he still cares for Tia.   So, overall I did enjoy this chapter. I would say to be aware of your dialogue tags. Know that you don’t need to tell who’s speaking every time, or describe an action that they’re doing. Be mindful of scenes and what their purpose is. But with all that said this really was fun and we got to know some characters more, and I like that already the reader has a somewhat good grasp on who Brynjar and Inge are. We might to know backstory, but we know who they are as a character, and that’s good.

Chapter 12: Yes I'm starting to get to the point where I'm finding the optimal way of sort of "dressing" my dialogue. The dialogue itself finally shaped up I'm feeling out that other half: what characters are doing. Still haven't found the best swing of that yet. Also, I'm really glad the description of the procession moving out wasn't too dry! It's a bit of world building I put a lot of work into and yes, it will definitely have a role to play as they move through more volatile settings (the valley is just so tame. It's defining element is literally soil!). Divisions are important as well, yes. Battles, sparring, training. All of that. But also when things take to full out war in later chapters/books. So much to set up for.   It is somewhat funny for me that the first bit of the Shadows meeting was off/not as interesting since the whole takeaway was that theyre simply performing and posturing like a bunch of flashy birds. They think they're mysterious and important and are going through all of those motions. I'm glad it actually came across that they aren't to be taken seriously. Then, just after, heres the ACTUAL ritual and seriousness and substance. IDK anyone but Nigel could sit through that phony meeting of the Shadows knowing how full of crap they are and not snicker at them. I'm glad the second bit came out well. I was very meticulous since its technically the first glimpse at all of Zalikar's aspects together and the element himself, at least a version of him.   I'm a bit prone to cursing myself but I try to make sure each character has their own sort of 'frequency' or even style of speaking. Arabella... speaks in a way of someone I used to know. Blunt, foul mouthed and casual. Actually my own foul mouth is probably from this person's influence.... and concussions making cussing easier. And I'm glad Orin seemed off, he was supposed to. It's something that makes more sense in retrospect, later on. As for Orin and Tia... oof this scene was hard on me but I'm starting to get a feel for their burgeoning relationship, giving myself a few consolations. And yes, he DOES move fast. He's uh..... experienced. I'll leave the rest for future chapters! You may see a few hints hidden away here and there in dialogue. I suppose yes his flirting should be better. I'M not fantastic at flirting so that's probably part of that.   Yes, who can and can't travel on the mesa is a plot point. Both as to how the kingdom hasn't conquered it yet and as our characters attempt to venture there. I AM surprised the fight scene didn't go over well, I liked it quite a bit myself. Weird how that goes sometimes. Perhaps what felt off was how the fear magic afffects Tia, she's meant to go very flat and not seem to act herself. I suppose that may become more obvious as more instances occur. And she mentions to Duff she didn't want to leave the girl to die, is that not enough of a motivator after what she went through?   Brynjar is tons of fun, just you wait. As for the telepathy.... I've been doing the ' to indicate thought for some time and I am very thorough on editing this but let me know as it becomes more prevalent if this doesn't seem to be enough. Because there is a lot of telepathy as the story continues. I use bold for Duff and Zalikar and I had intended to use italics for different elements/familiars like with Wyrm. It's something for me to figure out moving forward.   Yes, character arcs will start taking off now that things are set into motion! The adventure in general will now. Tia and her unit working on getting her memory back are a kind of mini arc for example. Then a few mini antagonists as well like Andrea while the bigger antagonists set up their own plans. POV is still something I'm toying with/figuring out or, most of the time, end up forgetting about entirely. Something for me to think about. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, the mesa chapters have a LOT of fun in store!

Chapter 13: I'm glad that scene was emotional to read, I put quite a lot of consideration into it and even some of my own experience. I'm glad it didn't seem too soon for Tia to share this with Aldric either. I feel the two of them connect very naturally so its easy for me to jump too quickly. I'll have to be more careful with the dialogue issues though. I've gone from underdeveloped to shoving too much in there I suppose.   Second, if you're excited for Euan and Annie oh boy, the rest of the mesa is going to make you pretty happy. Especially Chapter 15. They're in almost every scene? It's really such a fun one. I haven't mentioned the flowers, it was just all meant to expose the research and consideration Annie went through beforehand. However, it isn't the last you'll see of the void bees and flowers! Heh. "Tha bees!" as Tia will say.   I'm glad Orin is stirring mixed emotions. He's a very complex character throughout the series and will certainly be dynamic. I had almost written a scene of Albert and Inge down below. It probably would balance out the scene a bit more. Inge is such a fun character in her own way, separate from Brynjar. As her name suggests, she grows on you, after some gestation.   I really wanted modern music in my world set and it seemed something the Erlithmanil would fudge around with when experimenting with affecting the world with their magic. I wish I understood more about the copyright and such of adding sound to my chapters! Especially for chapter 15's fight. Anyway, yes I did all this research trying to work out what would be necessary for electric instruments to work. I'm glad it came across smoothly. I suppose the bit with Annie and Euan was just for fun. Show they're getting closer, Euan messing with Bubbles, and a bit of how Annie uses an enchantment to alter her appearance going forward when she doesn't want to be recognized. And Ifani mentions the music because thats the biggest reason she hates not being there, she loves music (a lot of autistic people do so I suppose thats something that an autistic reader would automatically get). Originally I had planned to have Brynjar and Ifani to have a dance during this scene but opted to keep their relationship developping slowly/focus on her conversation with Inge.   Orin''s drama.... yes the first more solid hint of what's going on with him! ALL of the drama and politics. There have been a few modest hints at Orin's relationship with the setting sun but this was a much more blatant instance. Sirius.... yes he's generally a good guy. Charming but mellow. Get's lots of suitors who have no idea just how gay he is. Yes, Albert and Sirius are meant to be kind of a flash surprises everyone kind of thing but their relationship still has plenty left to see as things continue. Albert surprised himself and everyone else but, if you're long term crush had you in that almost cliche daydream fantasy moment.... it was very much in Albert's character to snap the moment up. Albert is meant to have an intense passion hiding under his shy surface, smothered by years of being a commoner among a city of nobility. That hidden passion is part of what holds Sirius' interest.   I'm glad Andrea is coming across as intended. Ghislaine DEFINITELY isn't the main villain but he certainly is among the antagonists. He is still quite responsible for events in his own way. "Who is the villain" is meant to be a bit of a wandering eye. You think its this one or that one but it isn't just one singular person who is responsible and who needs to be defeated. The problems are far more pervasive and even the antagonists are reasonable, from their perspectives. None of them are right and none of them are totally wrong, if not just heartless/lost. The real villain is the pressure pushing all of these people to these extremes. Andrea targeting Tia is a great example of that. Just a wounded, misguided girl under immense pressures she is struggling to navigate without giving up what little she cares for. Ah and Duff! He certainly plays more of a role moving forward. Sassy and cryptic, right in Tia's ear.   I'm glad the party went smoothly. There was more I wanted to add but it got pretty lengthy pretty quickly. Hopefully now moving forward a lot of the answers to questions will start popping up. Secrets being revealed, character arcs and relationships developing, backstories, fall outs and arguments. Discoveries and battles. If there are any adventures you'd like to see/character arcs or whatever else as they move into the desert area/savannah let me know! That's what I'll be working on after Chapter 16.

Okay, so I actually reread that battle scene in Chapter 12, and I must have been going through something when I read it, because it's not bad. It's actually quite good. But for me personally it does last just a bit too long. I think it was when Tia attacks the two women that I kind of want it to end. Which is weird because I can last through a good amount of fighting in books.   But I do think maybe the magic is what's getting me, since I don't really understand it. I don't quite know. Something just feels off in that scene, and it could be just me, but yeah, it's fine. Tensions good, descriptions are good. I wouldn't worry about that scene too much.

Okay. I mean I know not everyone is going to like every fight and I'm sure I'll continue to improve that as things go along. I may try to amp up the mysterious nature of that magic scene and maybe make how its affecting/altering her behavior more obvious. I can see her seeming flat and off looking outside in as compared to me, knowing whats going on. Something for me to be careful of when Tia uses these abilities more often (since how it affects her is plot important).

Oh, this is an interesting start. Good hook, dialogue’s fine. But I am interested in this Mina-Allen-Supay dynamic. It feels like something I’d watch on a drama TV show, and not necessarily something I’d see in real life, and that may be because all of the descriptions of their faces and what they’re doing make everything feel much more dramatic. Because, when you describe something you’re telling your reader “This is important.” Making everything seem bigger than it probably should be. So, I would suggest maybe going down some of those descriptions and only highlighting the ones that you want your reader to notice. Where specifically do you want your readers to know that Supay is possibly jealous. Where exactly do you want your readers to know Mina is frustrated. Where do you want your readers to know that Allen is maybe a little uncomfortable.   I don’t know how to feel about this one. The descriptions were definitely interesting and I think I get what they’re doing. Morris is trying to bring out Nigel’s powers, but they’re making him think he’s failing? Which confuses me, more than makes me want to know why. However, I do like the little hook you give about Morris and some of his backstory. And it’s a good hook, because I’m sure a lot of people will relate/empathize with not belonging anywhere, and that’s good. Getting a good relatable character, especially if they’re going to appear more is good. (Little picky thing, don’t really need “in discontent” because Ghislaine is scolding the boy and given the context (what Ghislaine said) he probably isn’t happy, or in other words, discontented.) Now, the part with Sophia is interesting. And making me really like Nigel in that Pure Evil Villain kind of way. But. Good short scene. We have a character hook with Morris and a plot hook in this scene. The scene with Evelyn and Nigel is fine. I don’t really have anything to say for this one. Except maybe don’t say “orbs” as someone who’s read a lot of fan fiction, “orbs” is just sort of cringe. But that’s a picky thing, that I don’t care if you want to keep in there. Particularly if it’s so you won’t have to repeat the word “eyes,” since the sentence would seem a bit weird if “eyes” was read twice.   Wow, this was a really sweet and beautiful scene. The “dancing in the rain” was really good. I just wish there was maybe a little bit more emotion with how Aldric was feeling about Tia in that moment. There was a description where it said that he could see the outline of her smile. Maybe do more of that. It gets the readers more invested and we get to know more about Aldric and how he feels. And I think that would just really help make that scene that much more special. the descriptions were beautiful and this was well written. The ending of the scene was also a good hook. And I’m glad that we’re finally getting to know the magic a little bit more.   Duff’s reveal was fun. Also, I like the Jormundandr twist, and how he gets bigger and smaller. That was an interesting world building thing. But it does make me wonder, how Brynjar knew what Duff was, which I think is a very subtle hook. I don’t really have any critiques on this section, because nothing was too bad, but maybe just use “eyes” instead of “orbs” and “asks” instead of “questions” and if that’s your writing style, then it’s fine, I guess. And I don’t care if you decide to use those words, but it doesn’t make any sense to me, if you can just use simpler words that get exactly the same meaning across. Also, “questions” draws a little more attention to itself than “asks” just like “orbs” draws more attention to it than “eyes” And since they’re technically not very important words, you probably don’t want a reader pulling out of the world every time they see a word that’s not usually seen in a book. And again, this is something super picky, that isn’t something you absolutely need to change, but just something that, in my opinion, could be cut.   First, the Euan-Orin dynamic seems fun. I’d honestly love to read about them just having an all out fight. But that would just be fun, not because I think it’d be plot relevant. But something that kind of irked me in this scene is how almost stupid Tia seemed. Like, I get the confused about magic part, your magic system is very confusing. But since the readers already kind of know what an All-Mage is or can at least figure out a meaning, it feels weird when Tia asks. Like for me personally, I didn’t really care about getting a definition for what the Allmage was, so when it’s explained to me, I don’t care. I think, you probably could have cut that whole part of the conversation short, and maybe just have it jump straight to the explanation, since the readers already know Annie want’s to be seen as a normal person. We don’t really need to be reminded of that. But this scene was a good scene. Like I said previously the Euan-Orin dynamic seems super fun and definitely something I’d like to see more of. I also like the discussion of magic and how they’re going to bring Tia’s memories back. And how that’s going to happen.     I love the little bonding scene with Tia and Infani. That was really sweet and I just want to give Ifani a hug and tell her how amazing she is. Secondly, the scene with Zetian and Tia felt overdramatic and confusing. I get that Zetian is jealous, and I get that Tia is confused, but I don’t understand why Tia wasn’t more confused when Aldric’s name was mentioned. Like, maybe have some internal thoughts and surprise about that, just so we know that Zetian’s words actually registered. Maybe have her do a quick “Prince Aldric? What is she talking about?” And then move onto Zetian talking or have Tia ask a question. Also, I don’t know how Tia’s feeling. Is she nervous, scared, pretending to be confident, actually not scared? I think something that would help really make these characters come to life is tell us how they’re feeling during big moments like this. That helps show the reader what the character’s personality is and helps the reader figure out who that character really is. Since personality is shown through actions.   And quick little tidbit here, you have a lot of characters in your cast. Like a lot, and I’m going to admit, I do get a little confused. So, I would just be aware that whenever you introduce a new character, you make sure the readers remember who that character is. You give them either an awesome entry, or just anything so the readers remember who they are, and are able to differentiate them from the several other characters. I also want you to know that you will not be able to fully develop every character. You’re probably not going to fully develop the side characters like Sirius and his teammates. You might not even fully develop every one in Tia’s unit. Just be aware of that, and don’t try to force yourself to fully develop everyone. That will not happen. There is not enough space or time in this book to do that. Especially with the number of characters you have and probably will have. So just note that and keep that in the back of your mind. That being said, I enjoy seeing everyone of your characters. They’re all interesting and they all have a backstory and a life that I find fun and fascinating.   One more thing I’d like to mention is that dialogue can only do so much. Your dialogue has come a long way and it really does help in showing the character’s personality, but I would also start maybe adding in a little bit of feelings. Or a little bit more really, since you do add in feelings sometimes. But maybe just a little bit more here and there would help. It would also help start establishing more of those dynamics faster and help the readers get invested more quickly.   So, work on adding in those feelings and making sure those feelings are communicated to the reader. Keep focusing on developing your characters and making sure you’re developing the ones that need to be developed for the plot. I would suggest you think about word choice, and maybe get rid of at least “orbs” (I’m sorry cringe FF years are coming back to me). But good chapter. I’m glad we got to see some developing characters and character dynamics. Dialogue is good and you’ve really come a long way with that. Descriptions were good. I enjoyed quite a few of them. I love that you’re starting to really build that Ifani and Brynjar relationship, and are bringing together Tia’s unit. I can’t wait to see how it all comes together!

Yeah I think some of my word choices are just part of my style, like preferring 'question' over 'ask'. And I'm definitely still feeling out my style on describing what characters are doing between dialogue. May see a lot of me fiddling with this. Andi can see where orbs may be cringey. Something for me to be careful with. I'm glad the rain dance came across as sweet it was a scene I was very excited to write. I was pretty focused on the description and I think sometimes my brain gets so stuck on the technical and coordination bits of certain scenes and overlook character experience a bit. Especially in any kind of action scene.   Oh man a fight between Euan and Orin WOULD be satisfying. I can easily see something leading to it as well, Orin has a knack for inflaming or instigating people to anger. And yes I could probably at least shorten the explanation about the Allmage at the very least. I was definitely going for over dramatic and arrogant with Zetian. She is a princess and, thanks to her draconic influence, she is quite prideful. I suppose I don't always make it obvious enough how my characters are feeling. I try to say it in their reactions, words or facial/gestures and the like but I should consider being more blatant with it.   Yes I do have a lot of characters. I made most of them in a manic flurry tbh. And yes, while a lot of them have their own backgrounds and little development that COULD happen but likely won't at least not out in the open/part of main plot. Lots of background depth that may bleed through in places and maybe I'll write them one shots. And yes I find it difficult to just say 'they feel this' straight out, idk why. Still definitely something for me to be aware of as I continue developing my style.   If you enjoyed this chapter I'm excited to hear your reaction to 15! It's a really big, really exciting chapter. Shows the development of the unit a bit and starts touching on or setting up for goals for characters or even main plot bits. Getting into the meat of the book I'd say moving forward from this. 14 is sort of a final preparation to move everything forward. Thanks again for your feedback!

I will say this thing about "feelings" could just be me, wanting the author to be straight with me. Like you know straight to the point. Since, I kind of struggle with subtext. It's not something I can understand and see easily, so sometimes it's easier if it's flat-out told me, instead of me having to pick it out through facial expressions and various other things.   And I can understand why saying "they feel this" is weird. So, maybe look at some of your favorite books and see how they present their characters feelings. And do some analyzing. I'll do some myself and see if this "feeling thing" is just a me thing.

yes! I finally finished chapter 15   The dialogue in this first section was fun, I definitely got the impression that they’re all friends and it was quite fun. However, I would maybe cut out the descriptions of Lina, because they seem kind of out of place, especially since no one else is being described. Just this part “while her face is framed…Lina is relatively thin with an average build.” And the two lines of “You look prettier/you’re more likable.” Are a little out of place, and I think would maybe be better somewhere else, since the subjects go from the person Sirius likes, for two lines of “insult”, and then kind of splits apart to different subjects, for the most part. It’s kind of all over the place, and I feel like it could be better tied together. It just feels a little messy.   The next section is very interesting, and a nice tone switch from the fun and friendly banter of the first to something a little bit more serious. Being inside Tia’s mind-space was actually a pretty interesting part of the magic in this world. I liked this scene as a whole, it was pretty fun, and got us a better understand of her sword and what it can do, but I don’t understand why Tia seemed so offended by Euan’s “I’ve never been so jealous of a damn sword!” I took it as a joke, but I guess I can kind of understand why Tia’s upset, especially if it’s really important to her or something. I don’t know, it could have just been me, but I thought Tia was overreacting.   Okay, so this last section, got interesting. And this is where I really like Tia, and where I really want to punch some very specific people, because I am almost as mad as her. This is a good at showing us the way politics work in this world. The responsibilities, pressures, and drama that happens. I also find it interesting how serious and uptight Aldric is when he’s usually pretty calm. So I think that’s good showing that he does put on his “princely air”. I also think it’s interesting to see how Tia reacts with and to Aldric when he’s not being her secret friend. So, I think this was actually a really interesting and fun scene. I don’t really have any critiques about this section, everything in this part was pretty good.   Someone discovering Tia was definitely really interesting, and I think we’ve all been waiting for it to happen. Overall it was pretty good, there’s nothing that I saw was wrong with it, Except for when Tia get stuck in the vines, I feel like it could have been just a bit shorter. It felt like Tia shouted at Euan to get her down a couple more times than needed. (But I don’t know, that could just be me). Also when Euan brought up Ben. Should I know who that is, or am I just not remembering? And should I know what the binding is? Or are those hooks to keep the reader invested?   Oh, wow, this was long, but good. Very exciting and a fairly good back and forth between what all the characters were doing and what the Kraken was doing, but I think it would be just a little bit better if you described like some of the destruction that the Kraken caused in the first round of fighting. You described some of its destruction during the fight with just Tia and Duff, but I think adding in those extra descriptive lines might really emphasize just how big it is and how much of a threat it is to Tia and her friends. Also, when Duff "dies' first, I was a little surprised for like two seconds, but I definitely wasn't convinced he was dead dead, you know? So, I don't know what your goal was for that section, I just thought I'd mention it. But I’m really looking forward to that character drama that’s going to come up with Duff and Tia, but I kind of wished Tia stayed a little bit more angry. Or maybe made a little bit more of a deal about it. Rather than just a few angry sentences. Like, I personally think she’d be more mad at Duff for hiding things from her and risking the lives of her friends than the new scars she got. One more thing I want to mention is that at the beginning of that section I think it would be good to give another quick general description of the mesa, because I don't quite understand how it's supposed to look. Like there are floating islands above the mesa, or like the ground? How does that work? So, maybe just a super quick description might clear things up for me. (If you do end up inserting a description you could probably fit it right after "Albert chimes as the party crests the mesa precipice")   Okay, now I remember who Ben is. But anyways, I did enjoy this scene. I thought it was fun and interesting and really showcased how almost ruthless Lily is. Also, let’s just give props to ben for being such a stand-up and brave dude. I thought again, overall this scene was good. The only thing that’s just a little bit weird about the scene is that in the first few sentences it’s like Ben went up to Modeste told her he knew something about the shifter etc. but then all of a sudden that information is too important for her, even though he probably approached her first. It just felt weird and I feel could probably have a smoother transition. From “I’m not quite sure/I'm kind of nervous about telling someone this” to “I definitely remember now, and suddenly what I have to say is super important, where's your boss?”   So, overall good chapter. I really enjoyed it. The scenes were all good, just a few parts were needed some editing, but all the battle scenes were good, and the character interactions were super fun as usual. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing how Tia and Duff’s relationship changes and grows, and to see what this Lily plans to do.

Awesome I'm glad the chapter came out well, it's one of my favorites. Sorry Lina's introduction was a bit awkward, I'll have to try and find a way to smooth it out. The others weren't described since they were in previous scenes, but if it's misplaced I can probably move elsewhere.   I suppose Tias reaction comes from her not understanding "normal" social interactions and was trying to jump to Annie's defense, misreading Annie's reaction. I can probably scale her reaction down a bit or find a way to mention that internal mistake for Tia.   I'm glad the contrast between who Tia and Aldric are publicly vs without prying eyes came across in the right way. This is a contrast that eventually becomes more critical later on.   I suppose I hadn't mentioned Ben in a while and he's not super memorable outside of the guy who almost killed Tia. But he plays a bit more of a role after he gets his memory back (and captures by Ilnithic). And yeah the binding is what Tia and her friends are trying to undo, not realizing it was Duff who bound her memories of attacking Ben.   In the beginning of the fight the kraken wasn't really attacking them seriously, it was sort of surprised by getting jumped by a bunch of kids and was sort of feeling out the danger they pose and what was going on (this is actually a very intelligent creature like most octopi are). It only became more serious as they continued to burn its arms and Tia hurt its eye (their arms are actually extremely sensitive, able to think and move on their own. 2/3rd of its neurons are in its arms!!). I can probably add in a line or two making it more obvious it isn't fighting seriously in the beginning. It's used to locals of the mesa like storm vikings coming after it but these were a bunch of random kids and a jormungandr behaving strangely after all.   I think sometimes I forget that, because I'm releasing a chapter a month, certain events that are close together in the story itself are still pretty far apart for the reader. Like how long it's been since Lillith's first scene where it shows the young woman shape shifter and how her partner revived after being killed. I didn't make much of a thing of Duff's death because it was no secret that he would revive but I should keep in mind it's been a WHILE since that happened. His death was meant to be more of a shock and befuddlement to Tia that to the reader. Tia meant to have felt the terror of it and of being left totally vulnerable against the Kraken. Alone and powerless, despite all of her abilities, new friends, learning she's a divine descendant. Even with all that and with all that she's grown, it was a bit of a 'you aren't invincible' and that there are still forces out in the world that are too much. If that makes sense? And of course, another point to Duff's death was the release of his bindings, both Tia's and Ben's. Ah, ntm a look at what kind of otherworldly power Zalikar offers but also that it too has a cost. That there is something bigger going on there that Duff has been acting as a barrier to, even when her life is on the line.   Oh and don't worry, Tia is still plenty angry. She was simply just very put off by what happened and in considerable physical pain in that moment. She is far from done being angry with Duff over what happened. Ntm how utterly TIRED she was after that fight and even emotionally spent. It isn't often Tia empties out her energy (being a divine descendant and all). Tia is the kind of person to hang onto resentment and grudges. There will be a bit more stewing in this anger before they have it out. And if it wasn't super clear on what it's supposed to look like up there, I can definitely add in more description.   I can see how retrospectively the scene with Ben and Cuntur in the beginning can be confusing. I should probably make it clear that Ben went to Modesto, his direct superior as head of security, in order to reach Beatrice since he's pretty low on the heirarchy. And that he is hesitant with who hears this information because it involves a house heir being a potential spy. He's a member of the court (poised to become a Marquis which is just under Duke) and understands the politics enough to know how critical this is. And he's just a generally nervous dude. Has a bit to do with his backstory/relationship with his father (Martin).   I'm glad it came out mostly good! And don't worry, what is going on with Ben is followed up pretty quickly and, while not in the next chapter, Tia and Duff still have plenty to work out and soon there'll be some backstory for Duff and why he's so secretive (well some of it).

Ah, okay, with all that explained it does all make much more sense.   But once all the major editing is over, I will definitely have to go back and reread it, like how I would a normal book.

Yeah there are definitely pros and cons to serializing my chapters that I fail to consider sometimes.

Yeah, that makes sense, but it's okay. I mean, if you really wanted you could always do a "previously on In The shadows..." But that's up to you.

I'm so sorry it took be so long to finish Chapter 16. It should not have taken me as long as it did. I'm so sorry!   I feel like I missed something in between chapters 15 - 16. First, I do like it. I like how the change in nature shows how there’s a change in tone. But I don’t know what it’s supposed to be. Is it a flashback? Or a dream? And I knew Tia had secrets, but the secrets Irkath mentions in the 2nd bit near the end. I didn’t know Tia had such a yearning to know those answers. Because she clearly wanted to know the answers with how close she got to making that deal, but throughout the story, up until that point we had never really seen any sign that she had wanted to know more about those things. If we did see anything it was maybe a mild curiosity. But besides my confusion, it was a nice scene. I liked the introduction to Irkath. I almost wish there were more interactions like this, because it almost helps with the magic. Like if the name “irkath” is mentioned, I’ll know exactly who they’re talking about because of this scene. Also, I really like the worms. As gross and unsettling as it is, I thought it was a nice touch.   Oh, my gosh. This next scene. If we were face to face, I’d have done the most girlish squeal, you’ll ever hear me do. First, oh gosh, the scene got me feeling all the feels. (Or at least most of them). You know just my OTP having a *love scene* Right, anyways, first, I like that in this scene we get Euan being there for Annie, when she’s stressed and busy, and he’s trying to help in a very Euan-like way, of course. But as a small detail, I wish you had described what Annie had looked like. Maybe her hair was all over the place. Her clothes were a mess, or something that usually would have been kept neat, now a mess. I think it would have been interesting, if you had done something along the lines of like, what the world/other people would have seen vs what Euan sees. Like   “her room had never been messier with papers and books placed in wobbly stacks. Potions boiled and brewed in various corners of her room. Annie ran from room to room with Bubbles hid in a corner trying to avoid getting squished. Euan watched Annie for a few minutes, a smile slowly forming on his lips. She sprinkled some gold powder in a pot and watched it for several minutes. He waited with his smile ever widening as she seemed to glow. Her hair was flying in every direction. Her clothes were wrinkled and covered with variously colored stains. He couldn’t have asked for a lovelier girl.”   Or something like that. Also, the conversation they have when Euan and Annie are figuring out their relationship, I don’t understand what Euan says here, “I’ve been trying t’figure out whit ‘is is, whit we are fur too long now.” Also, I know Euan’s a straight shooter, like he’ll say what’s on his mind, and he doesn’t really care. But with Annie, he feels a little too much of a straight shooter. Like, maybe he would be a little more subtle with the “yer the one I want the most”? I don’t know. Just a thought. Not something you need to change, especially if you think it’s in character for him.   I like this next section with Ben. We finally get a look at this group that’s been sort of hinted at. Also, I really like this place. The way you described it was good. I really got a nice home-y feel. And there’s not really anything, I think, to critique on.   I like the idea of Yggdrasil being a real place and an actual tree that people live in. I think that’s a pretty clever idea, and I almost wish we had spent more time there. I also like the scene with Tia and her dark magic. It’s really interesting, and I’m looking forward to seeing how that’s going to play out plot and theme-wise. Again, not really any critiques on this. But I did find it fun and interesting, when she starts (unintentionally) showing people her true self.   Oh, gosh. I can’t! I did enjoy this scene. It was a really sweet heart to heart, and I really resonate with Tia on this one. Especially her feelings when it comes to herself. Again no specific critiques. I like Euan’s classic comedic relief. I thought it was so awkward and funny when Aldric finds out what the four of them did. And I really like the scene when Tia is just begging Aldric to not go. And that heartfelt conversation they have when they’re talking about their true selves. What if that’s not good enough?   So, overall, I loved this chapter. Both love scenes were good. I didn’t think they were too awkward. But the one with Tia and Aldric is a little bit better. The one with Euan is almost too physical. There’s no descriptions of feeling or anything like that, except the feelings with dialogue, but that doesn’t hit quite as hard as doing inner feelings/monologues. Which is why I like the Tia and Aldric scene better. There’s more feeling and emotion in it. (It is also longer, so it’s probably easier to ft things like that in, but just something to note, romance scenes are usually better with more emotion/feeling than physical descriptions.) However, I did like the new places in the world you introduced. Both of them were wonderfully described and I wanted to spend so much more time exploring them!     Chapter/Scene 17 --   This scene is just plain fun. I was smiling the whole time I read it. Not really any critiques. I thought the dialogue was good, and I really enjoyed it.

Oh, don't worry about it. I think everyone was worn out from SC. And yes I wanted to make it unclear whether this was a memory or dream as... well it's sort of both! Tia is just along for the ride despite it being in her own head. And no even Tia was unaware of some of the secrets/questions Irkath brings up, it wasn't that you missed it. Perhaps I should add in Tia's own surprise / confusion. Irkath it's this all knowing cryptic being and he loves having fun with being the one to know. He knows more about Tia than anyone else technically not that he shares it freely. I'm glad he came across well and will be memorable. It's a bit funny considering he's the one Tia dislikes the most. After all she hates secrets.   It doesn't surprise me the Euan and Annie scene wasn't as good as the Tia and Aldric one (I need to make ship names eventually). I put a lot more work into the latter and definitely plan to extend and better the scene with Euan and Annie. It sort of got thrown in last second and I plan to improve it. I suppose some of the dialogue needs work too, I'll have to mull it over. Maybe have him elaborate a bit or put it differently.   Glad Ilnithic came across how I wanted! It's meant to be home and haven to shifters but I still wanted to keep them a bit mysterious and otherworldly for now. There will definitely be more scenes in Cihuateopan, involving Ben and the other "captives".   And yes there are so many locations I can only really skim through in book 1. They don't really get a chance to explore or interact with the city this time because well... most of them can't survive up there! I'll perhaps showcase it more in some side stories, oneshots and even flashbacks for Brynjar and Inge. The city will definitely be back though in future books. And yes, Tia is going to really start coming out of her shell now which is why I'm having to step back and plan some smaller bits and larger machinations. There will be a lot more going on.   I worked pretty hard on this scene actually. It's one that has been living rent free in my brain for far too long! So much editing. I wanted it to be a key moment for the two of them and where they start developing as more than friends, whether they realize it or not. Euan of course is always a fun tool to move things along as well, playing an almost older brother role for Tia. He acts like a doofus but he notices a lot.   Glad you liked this chapter it was a lot of fun for me to write! And yes I definitely plan to go back and improve the scene with Annie and Euan. Most of their fun moments are yet to come but this moment still deserves more than I gave it.   Yes that scene was all kinds of fun. Weirdly didn't take me very long to write? Did it in one sitting but i suppose I'd been playing it in my head for longer. Show some of Euan's rough edges and let Florio show off a bit. He's honestly one of the deadliest characters but no one would guess it looking at him. Oh and I get the feeling you'll love his love story as much as if not more than the others. It's a real gem. Coming very soon!   And yes I realized watching one of the live streams a LOT of the places and locations of Emynea have been sitting around as stubs! Places I've had at least a rough idea of since I was a middle schooler! Stuff I didn't realize I put on the shelf. So definitely expect to see a lot more world building this month! I'm releasing the basic stubs and then plan to go back and refine them one at a time. Thanks again for the feedback and support!            

Of course! And I can't wait to see what happens with the couples.   As for ship names....hmmmm.   Euan+Annie=Euannie or Annie+Euan=Annuan?   Aldric+Tia=Aldria or Tia+Aldric=Tialdric?   Is it just those two couples?

Oh no there are plenty more. Now that most everyone has been introduced I can have more happening. Not all of them are couples tho, just romantic interest of some kind. Sirius and Albert, Brynjar and Ifani, Orin and Tia (blech), Felicity and Simona, and a mystery couple I won't spoil (Florio). Oh I suppose Longwei is another, his boyfriend gonna be introduced very soon. Others im juggling which are unrequited/hidden feelings/undertones includ Ifani x Andrea, Martia x Faustin, Danut x Lumi, Yang x Euan (xAnnie!!), Andrea x Zetian (haterom), Florio x Aisling (they're exes), Bridget x Euan, Bridget x Everett, Grusha x Baahir or Makeda x Baahir, Arabella x ... various girls tbh. Was considering Lina and Bolor still but idk.   Still tossing around other possibilities and I gotta consider interlopers and breakups and bad pairings too. Ntm the weird dynamic between Supay, Mina and Allen. And I'm not gonna touch of the dynamics of the romances between the Erlithmanil that's a lot. There will most certainly be oneshots/offshoots for all of this drama

Oh, dang, that's a lot.

I am a shipper at heart. Most of this will be background, backstory or little one shots when I get around to them though.

Ah, gotcha.   Honestly, you could do several episodic "seasons" just based on the characters and their relationships.

Yeah I figure I might eventually try and make a homebrew campaign for it for people to enjoy the whole AMTP experience and eventual battle. But the setup in general is fun for all of these barely supervised and magically enhanced teens from around the world. I like leaving room for anyone to make up their own adventures. Fanfiction is a lot of fun. Tia and friends are gonna have a decently long journey, given the travel time I'm trying to be realistic with. I really need to start writing down some of the mini adventures and shenanigans I toss around.

Yeah, for sure. FFs, noncanon lore, and theories are always so much fun.