help
3rd person evocative.
Entering the dining hall, Eldrick noticed the food had yet to be served. Claire motioned for us to join her. Making our way to the table, he could hear murmurs about dinner being delayed. Everyone else was seated and the faint odour of burnt bread and scorched metal wafted from the kitchen.
"Claire, why isn't dinner ready?" He asked in confusion.
Claire leaned over. "Amarna had to get food from the castle. Caitlin was supposed to cook, buuuut she burns everything. I think that was Amarna's plan, because of her comments at breakfast."
Ah yes, her remarks about announcing the graduations of Claire and Eileen. Silence descended. Eldrick looked up and noticed others doing the same. The expectation was poignant. Amarna stood in the doorway with a smile on her face.
"As you can tell, dinner is delayed." He could smell the aroma of roast pig wafting past Amarna, making his mouth water in anticipation. "But, until it arrives I have some announcements." Her gaze pass over the expectant expressions. "Two of our number have successfully completed their training. Eileen, who has decided to remain here in the capacity of my assistant. And Claire, who has yet to reveal her plans." He noticed her eyes twinkling with mischief as she smiled.
"There is much that we need to discuss." Her tone taking on a note of seriousness. "Of course, you know Ellie has come to learn as well, though she will not be staying as long as I would like. She will be leaving soon to continue on her journey." She folded her hands behind her back.
"Now, because this is a special occasion, aaannnnd Caitlin burned dinner..." Her was voice mockingly light hearted. Everyone else started laughing and giving Caitlin a good-natured ribbing. "...I have called upon the castle cooks to prepare a meal befitting this celebration."
She moved aside and gestured towards the doorway as a number of people bearing steaming trays of food entered. Eldrick could smell the hot berry tarts before the covers were even removed. They placed the trays on the table removed the covers, revealing the succulent roast pig, mashed potatoes drenched in melted butter, and a variety of desserts. Before they could even turn to file back out people were reaching for the food. Amarna shook her head, rolling her eyes at our impatience.
"Hey," Eldrick snapped, "Save some for Amarna. She needs to eat too."
Amarna continued, "Ellie, Caitlin, please do not eat too much. I will make sure there is food left for after your sparring match. I am sure there is going to be quite the audience!" She met his eyes from across the room. "The question is whether or not there will be any wagering on the outcome." She made an exagerrated wink at the assembled diners. "If you choose to lay wagers, I will be the one to witness them, that way there are no arguments."
All of us at the table nodded in agreement. He waited to ensure she was done then gestured for Amarna to join the table as one of us. Out of the corner of his eye he caught the frown on Amy's face, but tried to ignore it.
Everyone was surprised when Amarna told a particularly dirty joke. Eldrick started cackling at the shock on their faces.
As the whole table broke into laughter, Amarna smiled wryly to herself. "I have missed the camaraderie of this room. I am glad you have let me join."
"Lady Amarna, it is your table. Why shouldn't you be here? Is it because of position?" He was truly confused.
"Ellie," Amy whispered, "this is usually where we come to unwind after a stressful day. She is usually the cause of a lot of that stress."
"You don't think she doesn't have a lot of stress?" Eldrick gestured toward her face, his voice loud enough to carry over the chatter. He stood up. "This is no way to treat someone. I mean, look at us, we are all a bunch of misfits." He looked around the gathered diners, feeling disgusted. "She is trying to mould us into effective healers. We have our foibles, attitudes which are likely to drive her to distraction." Eldrick took a sip of his watered wine to quench my suddenly dry mouth. "Besides, today, she was a student just as much as everyone else."
Eldrick shook his head. He was unlikely to get through to these people without some example being made. "I should be the one unwelcome here tonight." Carefully he stepped over the bench and began to make his way across the room.
"But, but," Amy spluttered, "You are a student like the rest of us. She is in charge of the place."
Eldrick scowled at her, his eyes narrowing and lips tightening. "This is supposed to be a celebration! If you will excuse me," he spat, "I have a sparring match to prepare for." Turning his back on the assembled diners he stormed out of the room. Eldrick stopped just outside the door in the hall. I need to calm down before the match with Caitlin.
"Amy, did you not understand what she was saying about attitudes?" Amarna's warning tone, loud enough to carry through the door, held a hint of anger. "Ellie spoke highly of your skill, which is the ONLY reason I am allowing you to stay. Please do not make me regret that decision."
Standing in the hall just outside the door listening, Eldrick smiled to himself. The point had been made. He walked away in a better frame of mind than when he had left. Eldrick ran up the stairs to prepare for his sparring match.
Newish Version:
Entering the dining hall, I noticed the food had yet to be served. Claire motioned for us to join her. Making our way to the table, I could hear murmurs about dinner being delayed. Everyone else was seated and the faint odour of burnt bread and scorched metal wafted from the kitchen.
"Claire, why isn't dinner ready?" I asked in confusion.
Claire leaned over. "Amarna had to get food from the castle. Caitlin was supposed to cook, buuuut she burns everything. I think that was Amarna's plan, because of her comments at breakfast."
Ah yes, her remarks about announcing the graduations of Claire and Eileen. Silence descended. I looked up and noticed others doing the same. The expectation was poignant. Amarna stood in the doorway with a smile on her face.
"As you can tell, dinner is delayed." I could smell the aroma of roast pig wafting past Amarna, making my mouth water in expectation. "But, until it arrives I have some announcements." Her gaze pass over the expectant expressions. "Two of our number have successfully completed their training. Eileen, who has decided to remain here in the capacity of my assistant. And Claire, who has yet to reveal her plans." I noticed her eyes twinkling with mischief as she smiled.
"There is much that we need to discuss." Her tone took on a note of seriousness. "Of course, you know Ellie has come to learn as well, though she will not be staying as long as I would like. She will be leaving soon to continue on her journey." She folding her hands behind her back.
"Now, because this is a special occasion, aaannnnd Caitlin burned dinner..." Her was voice mockingly light hearted. Everyone else started laughing and giving Caitlin a good-natured ribbing. "...I have called upon the castle cooks to prepare a meal befitting this celebration."
She moved aside and gestured towards the doorway as a number of people bearing steaming trays of food entered. I could smell the hot berry tarts before the covers were even removed. They placed the trays on the table removed the covers, revealing the succulent roast pig, mashed potatoes drenched in melted butter, and a variety of desserts. Before they could even turn to file back out people were reaching for the food. Amarna shook her head, rolling her eyes at our impatience.
"Hey," I snapped, "Save some for Amarna. She needs to eat too."
Amarna continued, "Ellie, Caitlin, please do not eat too much. I will make sure there is food left for after your sparring match. I am sure there is going to be quite the audience!" She met my eyes from across the room. "The question is whether or not there will be any wagering on the outcome." She made an exagerrated wink at the assembled diners. "If you choose to lay wagers, I will be the one to witness them, that way there are no arguments."
All of us at the table nodded in agreement. I waited to ensure she was done then gestured for Amarna to join the table as one of us. Out of the corner of my eye I caught the frown on Amy's face, but tried to ignore it.
I think everyone was surprised when Amarna told a particularly dirty joke. I started cackling at the shock on their faces.
As the whole table broke into laughter, Amarna smiled wryly to herself. "I have missed the camaraderie of this room. I am glad you have let me join."
"Lady Amarna, it is your table. Why shouldn't you be here? Is it because of position?" I was truly confused.
"Ellie," Amy whispered, "this is usually where we come to unwind after a stressful day. She is usually the cause of a lot of that stress."
"You don't think she doesn't have a lot of stress?" I gestured toward her face, my voice loud enough to carry over the chatter. I stood up. "This is no way to treat someone. I mean, look at us, we are all a bunch of misfits." I looked around the gathered diners, feeling disgusted. "She is trying to mould us into effective healers. We have our foibles, attitudes which are likely to drive her to distraction." I took a sip of my watered wine to quench my suddenly dry mouth. "Besides, today, she was a student just as much as everyone else."
I shook my head. I was unlikely to get through to these people without some example being made. "I should be the one unwelcome here tonight." Carefully I stepped over the bench and began to make my way across the room.
"But, but," Amy spluttered, "You are a student like the rest of us. She is in charge of the place."
I scowled at her, my eyes narrowing, my lips tightening. "This is supposed to be a celebration. If you will excuse me," I spat, "I have a sparring match to prepare for." Turning my back on the assembled diners I stormed out of the room. I stopped just outside the door in the hall. I need to calm down before the match with Caitlin.
"Amy, did you not understand what she was saying about attitudes?" Amarna's tone though not quite angry held a warning tone. "Ellie spoke highly of your skill, which is the ONLY reason I am allowing you to stay. Please do not make me regret that decision."
Standing in the hall just outside the door listening, I smiled to myself. The point had been made. I walked away in a better frame of mind than when I had left. I ran up the stairs to prepare for my sparring match.
Old Version: Entering the dining hall, Eldrick saw the food had yet to be served. Claire motioned for them to join her. Making their way to the table, they heard snippets of conversation relating to the reason dinner was delayed. Eldrick, scanning the table, noticed there was no one in the kitchen, as every seat was taken. "Why isn't someone cooking or serving?" Claire leaned over, "Amarna had to get food from the castle. Caitlin was supposed to cook, she burns everything. I think Amarna did that on purpose because of her comments at breakfast." Eldrick remembered those comments about announcing the graduations of Claire and Eileen. Silence descended upon the room as Amarna entered. All eyes turned towards her. The silent expression of expectation could be seen on every face. Amarna stood in the doorway, a smile on her face. "As you can all tell, dinner is delayed. But, until it arrives I have some announcements." Her gazed passed over the expectant faces. "Two of our number have successfully completed their training. Eileen, who has decided to remain here in the capacity of my assistant. And Claire, who has yet to reveal her plans," her eyes twinkling with mischief as she smiled. "There is much that we need to discuss. Of course, you know Ellie has come to learn as well, though she will not be staying as long as I would like. She will be leaving soon to continue on her journey." Pausing, she folded her hands behind her back. "Now, because this is a special occasion and Caitlin burned dinner," everyone started laughing and giving Caitlin a good-natured ribbing. "I have called upon the castle cooks to prepare a meal befitting this celebration." Walking into the room she was followed by a number of people bearing steaming trays of food. Placing the trays on the table they removed the covers, revealing succulent roast pig, mashed potatoes and a variety of desserts. Turning almost as one they filed back out. Amarna gestured for everyone to serve themselves. Once the food was transferred from tray to platter the conversation started up again. "Ellie, Caitlin, please do not eat too much. I will make sure there is food left for after your sparring match. I am sure there is going to be quite the audience. The question is whether or not there will be any wagering on the outcome." She winked at the assembled diners. "If you choose to lay wagers, all I ask is that I am the one to witness them since that way there are no arguments." With agreement being confirmed by everyone around the table they enjoyed their meal. Amarna joining the table to eat as one of them. Ribald jokes and friendly banter ensued. The surprise rose when Amarna told a particularly dirty joke. The shock on most faces caused Eldrick to burst into such laughter as to be infectious. As the whole table broke into laughter, Amarna smiled and joined in. "I have missed the camaraderie of this room. I am glad you have let me join." "Lady Amarna, it is your table why shouldn't you be here. Is it because of position?" Eldrick looked truly confused. "Ellie," Amy whispered, "this is usually where we come to unwind after a stressful day. She is usually the cause of a lot of that stress." "You don't think she doesn't have a lot of stress?" He gestured toward her face, his voice loud enough to be heard over of the chatter. "I mean look at us, we are all a bunch of misfits, who she is trying to mould into effective healers. We have our foibles, attitudes which probably drive her to distraction." Eldrick took a sip of his watered wine. "Besides, today, she was a student just as much as everyone else. I should be the one unwelcome here tonight." "But, but," she spluttered, "You are a student like the rest of us. She is in charge of the place." Eldrick looked at her with ire and raised an eyebrow. "This is supposed to be a celebration. If you will excuse me," he rose from the table. "I have a sparring match to prepare for." His steps, quick as he left the hall. Everyone going silent turned to look at her. "What?" she inquired innocently. "Amy, did you not understand what he was saying about attitudes?" Amarna not quite angry gave her a stern look. "He spoke highly of your skill, which is the reason I am allowing you to stay. Please do not make me regret that decision." Eldrick, standing in the hall just outside the door smiled to himself. The point had been made. He walked away in a better frame of mind than when he had left. He quickly headed upstairs to prepare for his sparring match.
Trying to figure out how to make this more emotive.
Comments