Aporeu chronicles Issue 79: Lathanders Lament
Stories from the adventurers
This week
It's all about genitalia, having them or not, and half-orcs.Lathanders Lament by Mud
Lathanders Lament Today Mud went on stupid aventur. Mud go with big metalman, wolfman, red hair lady (no Blehr), greyhair man and other halfling man. Little blue hair lady at Guild says Mud poke people in private parts(?!) Lady's crazy, Mud don't do that. But she also talk very much about peepees, a man without peepee will give us the aventur at peepee tower. So we go talk to no-peepee man and he says we must kill half-orc-plant-plague-blablabla somewhere near Arn'm. So we go to place near Arn'm and everyone talks very much about plan, and Mud thinks of plan. No-peepee guy said it's good to split up half-orc-plant-plague-blablabla's so we fight them in small pieces. So Mud goes around camp of the half-orc-plant-plague-blablabla's on Rawr (nice Rawr...) and shoot at one, so some follow Mud and Rawr, and other aventurers can fight smaller pieces. But stupid half-orc-plant-plague-blablabla's cast spell that makes ground very thorny, and thornies hurt Rawr very much. Rawr jump out of thornies and some half-orc-plant-plague-blablabla's follow Mud, so plan is going good, but stupid half-orc-plant-plague-blablabla's hurt Rawr very much. And Rawr falls and don't stand up. STUPID HALF-ORC-DUMB-STUPID-SHITS! And Mud fight and Stupidheads almost kill Mud and then Great Big Wolf comes help Mud and Mud climb on Big Wolf and then Mud see only black. Mud wakes up later and is somewhere else. Big Wolf and Metal man is further away and they saved Mud and now are in the middle of a looooot of stupidheads and there is also veery big stupidhead with them, and Red Hair Lady (not-Blehr) is close to Mud, so Mud hides behind not-Blehr and shoot all the stupidheads. And Greyhair man comes closer to Big Wolf and Metal Man and he kills lot of stupidheads! Very good Greyhair man! And then we kill all stupidheads and then Mud BURN EVERYTHING WITH NICE CLOAK! EVERY STUPID STUPIDHEADS BURNBURNBURN! AND THEIR STUPID HOLE IN GROUND BURN! BURRRN!!! And then come back to body of Rawr... And Rawr is not breathing no more... And Rawrs body has little mushroom on it, so dead Rawr is with plague too... So Mud burn Rawr too... We go back to no-peepee man and Mud kick him. Stupid no-peepee man... Today was no good day. Today was stupidshits day. And today is sad day. Very very sad day. Stupid sad. Bye.Lathanders Lament by Data
//PRINT MISSION REPORT | DATE 12/1/???? PRINTING… SCANNING AVAILABLE MISSIONS… ANALYSIS: MISSION “EXPLORING AN ANCIENT TOMB” | KEYWORDS LOGGED: TRAP, EXPLORATION, TOMB ERROR! TIER MISMATCH: GOLD TIER AUTHORIZATION REQUIRED ANALYSIS: MISSION “DIRTY WORK FOR JARVARAX 2” | MISSION STATUS: “OFF-THE-BOOKS” CHECKING DATABASE FOR MATCH… “OFF-THE-BOOKS”: UNOFFICIAL, NOT FOLLOWING PROPER CHANNELS | CONCLUSION: UNACCEPTABLE ANALYSIS: MISSION “LATHANDER’S LAMENT” | KEYWORDS LOGGED: HELP, PLAGUE, ASSASSINATION ANALYSIS REPORT: MISSION PARAMETERS ACCEPTABLE ENTERING STANDBY MODE… VOCAL INPUT DETECTED, EXITING STANDBY MODE… USER “LOIS” LOGGED TO DATABASE: GNOME, FEMALE, ABNORMAL HAIRSTYLE MISSION OBJEC@#$TIVES UPDATED: LOCATE USER “DICKLESS BORIS” | LAST KNOWN LOCATION: “THE SANCTUM” LOGGING NEW LOCATION: “THE SANCTUM” | VERBAL DESCRIPTION: LARGE BUILDING, WHITE, PENIS-SHAPED PLOTTING SEARCH COURSE… LOCOMOTING… //LOAD MALE_HUMANOID_GENITALIA3.JPG //INITIATE VISUAL SENSOR MATCH FOR “MALE_HUMANOID_GENITALIA3.JPG” SCANNING FOR MATCH… 69% MATCH FOUND | MATCH WITHIN ACCEPTABLE PARAMETERS FOR LOCATING “THE SANCTUM”, INVESTIGATING... ERROR! DATA CORRUPTION DETECTED, POSSIBLE MEMORY LEAK USER “DICKLESS BORIS” LOGGED TO DATABASE: HUMAN, MALE, ARMED | PREDICTED THREAT LEVEL: LOW MISSION PARAMETERS UPDATED: INFECTED HALF-ORCS, WEIRD PLAGUE DEFINITION FOUND FOR “WEIRD”: “NOT NORMAL, OUT OF THE ORDINARY, DIFFERENT, SCARY” MISSION OBJEC@#$TIVES UPDATED: PURGE INFECTED HALF-ORCS, USE OF INCENDIARY MEASURES IS ADVISED WARNING LOGGED: UNDEFINED PERCENTAGE OF ENEMY COMBATANTS UNDERAGED, NO INCREASE IN THREAT LEVEL PREDICTED DEFINITION ADDED: TERMINATING UNDERAGED HUMANOIDS = “NOT COOL” CONCLUSION: TERMINATING UNDERAGED HUMANOIDS = “HOT” CLARIFICATION LOGGED: TERMINATING UNDERAGED HUMANOID = “EVIL” | ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE, DEFINITION FOR “EVIL” NOT FOUND
SCANNING MAP…
LOCATIONAL DATA UPDATED
COMPENSATION OFFERED: 25 GOLD PIECES | ANALYSIS: PROPOSAL ACCEPTED AS EQUIVALENT EXCHANGE
MISSION PARAMETER ADDED: “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION”
COMMENCE MISSION EXECUTION
INITIATING COMBAT ANALYSIS OF ALLIED FORCES
USER “MUD” LOGGED TO DATABASE | HALFLING, MALE, RANGED COMBATANT | ESTIMATED SKILL LEVEL: MEDIOCRE
USER “ROWAN” LOGGED TO DATABASE | FEMALE, ENERGY PROJECTION CAPABILITIES | RACIAL ABNORMALITIES DETECTED, CLOSEST MATCH: HUMAN
USER “DRESTARK” LOGGED TO DATABASE | HALFLING, MALE, RANGED COMBATANT
USER “CODRIN” LOGGED TO DATABASE | HUMAN, MALE, SHAPESHIFTING CAPABILITIES DETECTED
USER “JOOP DE VRIES” LOGGED TO DATABASE | HUMAN, MALE, HEAVILY ARMED, RANGED AND MELEE COMBAT CAPABILITIES PREDICTED PLOTTING COURSE TO TARGET LOCATION… LOCOMOTING… TARGET LOCATION SPOTTED, PRESENCE OF TARGET INFECTED HUMANOIDS CONFIRMED COMMENCING TACTICAL ANALYSIS… USER “MUD” ENGAGING IN FLANKING MANEUVER | INITIATING PINCER ATTACK //ARM INCENDIARY AMMUNITION HOSTILE FORCES ALERTED AND APPROACHING WARNING! ABNORMAL ABILITIES DETECTED IN ENEMY COMBATANTS, CAUTION IS ADVISED FIRING INCENDIARY CANNON | CONFIRMED HIT, TARGET INJURED ALLIES IN DISTRESS, MELEE ENGAGEMENT IS ADVISED REROUTING POWER TO ACTUATORS, CLOSING DISTANCE TO HOSTILE FORCES //ACTIVATE DEFENSIVE MATRIX ENGAGING HOSTILES IN MELEE COMBAT | OFFENSIVE MANEUVER FAILURE, ADJUSTING COMBAT ALGORITHMS FOR HEIGHT OF TARGET OPPONENT ERROR! COULD NOT COMPILE ADJUSTMENTS TO COMBAT ALGORITHMS, OFFENSIVE MANEUVER FAILURE WARNING! DETECTING ALLIED COMBATANT IN DISTRESS, MOVE TO ASSIST USER “MUD” DEFENSIVE ANALYSIS: ARMOR HOLDING, DEFENSIVE MATRIX FUNCTIONAL, NO DAMAGE DETECTED WARNING! NEW HIGH-THREAT HOSTILE TARGET DETECTED WARNING! ALLIED COMBATANT INCAPACITATED, IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ASSISTANCE REQUIRED LAUNCHING MEDICAL DRONE, USER “MUD” REVIVED WARNING! LARGE NUMBER OF HOSTILE CONTACTS DETECTED IN IMMEDIATE VICINITY, ACTIVATING DEFENSIVE STANCE WARNING! DAMAGE SUSTAINED TO ORGANIC COMPONENTS | RELEASING BIO-REGENERATIVE GEL WARNING! POWER FLOW TO DEFENSIVE MATRIX INTERRUPTED | DEFENSIVE MATRIX DEACTIVATED WARNING! DETECTING TARGET LOCK FROM HOSTILE COMBATANT ENGAGING HOSTILE COMBATANT IN MELEE COMBAT | OFFENSIVE MANEUVER EFFECTIVE, TARGET LOCK LOST WARNING! CRITICAL DAMAGE SUSTAINED TO ORGANIC COMPONENTS, SYSTEM SHUTDOWN IMMINENT A PROBLEM HAS BEEN DETECTED AND MOTOR FUNCTIONS HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN TO PREVENT FURTHER DAMAGE TO ORGANIC COMPONENTS //STABILIZE VITAL FUNCTIONS ATTEMPT 1… 36% PROGRESS //STABILIZE VITAL FUNCTIONS ATTEMPT 2… FAILURE MEDICAL ASSISTANCE RECEIVED FROM USER “JOOP DE VRIES” | REBOOTING VITAL SYSTEMS SITUATION ANALYSIS: HOSTILE TARGETS NEUTRALIZED | COMMENCING INCINERATION OF INFECTED BODIES ADDITIONAL CONTACT DETECTED | ANALYSIS: HALF-ORC, FEMALE, ESTIMATED AGE: 12, TESTED POSITIVE FOR INFECTION | MISSION PARAMETERS DEMAND PURGE ERROR! CANNOT COMMENCE PURGE | USER “JOOP DE VRIES” OBSTRUCTING LINE OF FIRE TO TARGET ADVENTURER’S GUILD AUTHORIZATION RECOGNIZED FOR USER “JOOP DE VRIES” | STAND DOWN ORDER ACCEPTED ALL AVAILABLE OBJEC@#$TIVES COMPLETED, RETURNING TO USER “DICKLESS BORIS” MISSION REWARD RECEIVED FOR COMPLETION OF OBJEC@#$TIVES | EQUIVALENT EXCHANGE CONFIRMED LOGGING COMPLETION OF MISSION “LATHANDER’S LAMENT” LOGGING NEW MISSION: “RESTORE GENITALIA OF USER “DICKLESS BORIS” MISSION PRIORITY SET TO LOW
USER “ROWAN” LOGGED TO DATABASE | FEMALE, ENERGY PROJECTION CAPABILITIES | RACIAL ABNORMALITIES DETECTED, CLOSEST MATCH: HUMAN
USER “DRESTARK” LOGGED TO DATABASE | HALFLING, MALE, RANGED COMBATANT
USER “CODRIN” LOGGED TO DATABASE | HUMAN, MALE, SHAPESHIFTING CAPABILITIES DETECTED
USER “JOOP DE VRIES” LOGGED TO DATABASE | HUMAN, MALE, HEAVILY ARMED, RANGED AND MELEE COMBAT CAPABILITIES PREDICTED PLOTTING COURSE TO TARGET LOCATION… LOCOMOTING… TARGET LOCATION SPOTTED, PRESENCE OF TARGET INFECTED HUMANOIDS CONFIRMED COMMENCING TACTICAL ANALYSIS… USER “MUD” ENGAGING IN FLANKING MANEUVER | INITIATING PINCER ATTACK //ARM INCENDIARY AMMUNITION HOSTILE FORCES ALERTED AND APPROACHING WARNING! ABNORMAL ABILITIES DETECTED IN ENEMY COMBATANTS, CAUTION IS ADVISED FIRING INCENDIARY CANNON | CONFIRMED HIT, TARGET INJURED ALLIES IN DISTRESS, MELEE ENGAGEMENT IS ADVISED REROUTING POWER TO ACTUATORS, CLOSING DISTANCE TO HOSTILE FORCES //ACTIVATE DEFENSIVE MATRIX ENGAGING HOSTILES IN MELEE COMBAT | OFFENSIVE MANEUVER FAILURE, ADJUSTING COMBAT ALGORITHMS FOR HEIGHT OF TARGET OPPONENT ERROR! COULD NOT COMPILE ADJUSTMENTS TO COMBAT ALGORITHMS, OFFENSIVE MANEUVER FAILURE WARNING! DETECTING ALLIED COMBATANT IN DISTRESS, MOVE TO ASSIST USER “MUD” DEFENSIVE ANALYSIS: ARMOR HOLDING, DEFENSIVE MATRIX FUNCTIONAL, NO DAMAGE DETECTED WARNING! NEW HIGH-THREAT HOSTILE TARGET DETECTED WARNING! ALLIED COMBATANT INCAPACITATED, IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ASSISTANCE REQUIRED LAUNCHING MEDICAL DRONE, USER “MUD” REVIVED WARNING! LARGE NUMBER OF HOSTILE CONTACTS DETECTED IN IMMEDIATE VICINITY, ACTIVATING DEFENSIVE STANCE WARNING! DAMAGE SUSTAINED TO ORGANIC COMPONENTS | RELEASING BIO-REGENERATIVE GEL WARNING! POWER FLOW TO DEFENSIVE MATRIX INTERRUPTED | DEFENSIVE MATRIX DEACTIVATED WARNING! DETECTING TARGET LOCK FROM HOSTILE COMBATANT ENGAGING HOSTILE COMBATANT IN MELEE COMBAT | OFFENSIVE MANEUVER EFFECTIVE, TARGET LOCK LOST WARNING! CRITICAL DAMAGE SUSTAINED TO ORGANIC COMPONENTS, SYSTEM SHUTDOWN IMMINENT A PROBLEM HAS BEEN DETECTED AND MOTOR FUNCTIONS HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN TO PREVENT FURTHER DAMAGE TO ORGANIC COMPONENTS //STABILIZE VITAL FUNCTIONS ATTEMPT 1… 36% PROGRESS //STABILIZE VITAL FUNCTIONS ATTEMPT 2… FAILURE MEDICAL ASSISTANCE RECEIVED FROM USER “JOOP DE VRIES” | REBOOTING VITAL SYSTEMS SITUATION ANALYSIS: HOSTILE TARGETS NEUTRALIZED | COMMENCING INCINERATION OF INFECTED BODIES ADDITIONAL CONTACT DETECTED | ANALYSIS: HALF-ORC, FEMALE, ESTIMATED AGE: 12, TESTED POSITIVE FOR INFECTION | MISSION PARAMETERS DEMAND PURGE ERROR! CANNOT COMMENCE PURGE | USER “JOOP DE VRIES” OBSTRUCTING LINE OF FIRE TO TARGET ADVENTURER’S GUILD AUTHORIZATION RECOGNIZED FOR USER “JOOP DE VRIES” | STAND DOWN ORDER ACCEPTED ALL AVAILABLE OBJEC@#$TIVES COMPLETED, RETURNING TO USER “DICKLESS BORIS” MISSION REWARD RECEIVED FOR COMPLETION OF OBJEC@#$TIVES | EQUIVALENT EXCHANGE CONFIRMED LOGGING COMPLETION OF MISSION “LATHANDER’S LAMENT” LOGGING NEW MISSION: “RESTORE GENITALIA OF USER “DICKLESS BORIS” MISSION PRIORITY SET TO LOW
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