Aporeu chronicles Issue 45: Halloween special: ... like a woman scorned
Stories from the adventurers
This week
A story about getting attacked by everything, even the furniture. No place is safe in this story.Halloween special: ... like a woman scorned by Q
(Editor's Note: So.. Not only is that little Kobold sneaky as all get-out, he's apparently a Gold tier Adventurer now. Though with the stories I get from mostly Bronze tier ones.. I don't wanna think about what Gold tier is like.) I spent most of my day training with Mr. Bra'tac to get quicker. Mr. Svæin was there too, and I saw Mr. Surron training with his longbow. Not sure why, he seems pretty good at using it already. After training, I went out to get my normal pre-mission meal. I know it's silly to think that sorta stuff does anything special, but I feel better after a good meal, so I perform better. After I get back to the Guild Hall with my food, I enjoy my meal and watch as Mr. Cor and Mr. Gwyn join Mr. Svæin and Mr. Surron. They look kinda silly, checking out the rafters. Then they get startled when I go up and ask them if there's anything to see up there. Turns out they were looking for me. I wasn't even hiding. Some people are weird. But I guess being a little paranoid comes with being an Adventurer. Ms. Alyr comes running in really late and all out of breath. She's coming too. Never been on mission with Ms. Alyr and Mr. Svæin before. They're pretty good, though. I'm glad they were there. Ms. Alyr's said that she forgot to put a flower in her hair, so I give her one of my feathers. It's a pretty black feather, and she puts it in right away. It looks nice. We go to Mr. Lornan's office, and we get the coordinates for the world, and a description of the item we sent to get back. Then we let him get back to his paperwork. When we get to the Gate and get it opened, Mr. Svæin does something weird.. He tries to dive into the Gate like it's a lake or something. So I step over him, and ask him what he's doing. He doesn't give me an answer. Guess it was his first time going through the Gate. When we step through, we see that the sun is going down. I prefer to work outside of the sun's rays whenever I can. We find ourselves in a little patch of forest, surrounded by a big area of harvested grain. There's a black raven sitting on a branch. It caws and tells us to follow. Then it flies off to sit on a small fence bordering off the farmland from the rough cart-road between 2 fields. There's some signs of a town in the distance. I hop up onto the fence, and then onto Mr. Svæin's shoulder for a bit, to get a better vantage point. The raven's guiding us to the village. When we get to town, there's a CRAPLOAD of crows there, all watching us. It's pretty creepy. Glad I stuck close to Mr. Svæin. The raven says the Duchess is up the hill. Guess we're not meeting with the one that hired us, then. The housing here is all pretty crude, and only the town square has any paving on it. The streets are deserted, and only a couple of the houses have any light in them. One of the doors has a weird symbol on it. Mr. Surron and Ms. Alyr say it's the Sylvan symbol for a kid or something. Mr. Svæin says you give a gift if a baby's born, so he jams a dagger into the wood when nobody answers to our knocking. He's a bit rough around the edges, but he means well. The raven seems to be getting impatient, and urges us to head up to the hill already. Never knew a bird could be a jerk. Guess now I know. As we walk up the sloped pathway, we go through a dark and creepy forest, and there's some lights bobbing about deep within. Which vanish when Mr. Svæin calls out. Seems a bit rude of the lights. But, we walk onward through the forested bit, and get to a large mansion with a wall around it, and a big metal gate. There's some flickering lights inside at the bottom left, and the top right windows. As we make our way onto the grounds, we see 2 pillars with demonic looking things on them, just before a sorta archway of vines that are all withered. All the plant life here looks withered. Mr. Surron tries some magic, but the plant he tries it on just withers again as soon as it's gotten some life back into it. The whole place looks run down and dilapidated. Not sure what sorta people we'll find in here. I get a bad feeling, though. And that feeling turns out to be right, as the gate shuts behind us, and one of those ugly statues comes to life when we walk up to the door! We whack the statue a bunch and it crumbles to dust. Mr. Svæin grabbed it and dragged it away from everybody that didn't wanna be within smashing distance of it. I weaved between his legs to whack it with my pretty fan, after seeing that my arrow didn't really faze it all that much. That was a trend in this house.. Stupid magic things that don't get hurt properly by non-magical things! After we turn the statue to rubble, Mr. Svæin tests the other statue, but it doesn't wanna come alive. Mr. Gwyn, Mr. Cor, and myself try to open the door, but nothing. Then Mr. Svæin uses his 'doorbreaker' to give it a really hard knock, but it's like he's hitting a solid wall. Maybe it's not a door after all? Of course, the damned thing swings open with a creak as we're turned around to try and find another door. So, we go inside, because.. Well, the thing we want is inside. Ms. Alyr says she hears someone coming, as we see 2 more of those statues in the lobby, tucked into the corners. We wait for a bit, and a zombie butler shuffles up. Poor guy's missing an eye. He asks us if we want some tea, and points us to the waiting room. We ask him some questions, but he says that the only 'people' in the house is the Duchess Naveen. But there are several 'moving things' in the house. That doesn't sound ominous at all. As we walk into the waiting room, the fireplace springs to life, with images of sprites and things in the fire. There's some fancy looking chairs, a sidetable, 2 'desks', 2 stools, and a massive bookshelf that takes up the entire left wall. Mr. Surron does some magic, and says there's illusion magics on the bookshelf and the fireplace. Kinda figured the bookcase thing, since the book Mr. Gwyn pulled out to check turned empty when he removed it. Seems like this Duchess just wants people to be impressed by the amount of books on the shelves, instead of actually having books. Kinda shallow. After waiting 10 minutes for that tea the zombie butler.. Zombutler? was gonna make, we get a little impatient, I go see what's keeping him with Mr. Gwyn and Mr. Surron. Mr. Svæin's polishing his swords, and Ms. Alyr and Mr. Cor are sitting there. I was getting kinda fidgety anyway. We check some rooms, and find a dining room without any flatware in sight and a worn rug at the entrance. Under the stairs is a door to a room with a collapsed bed and some big-ass shrooms. Imagine my surprise when the shrooms open some eyes and burst spores when Mr. Surron and Mr. Gwyn get close! I stayed well away from the things, so I was fine. Then Mr. Surron and Mr. Gwyn start talking to the shrooms like they're having a conversation.. But I can't hear anything, so maybe they went a little cuckoo.. I'm checking out the water-damaged ceiling a bit. The wood looks very warped. After that, we go back to the waiting room. I tell Ms. Alyr about the living mushrooms. This time, we all go out to check more rooms. Turns out the dining room has a ghostly dinner party. Which show up when we're all in the room. They don't seem to know we're there at all. As Mr. Svæin tries to grab some of the ghostly food, the armors in the corners, the ghostly silverware, and the rug at the entrance come to life! Why can't things in this house just stay inanimate like good furniture, damnit?! We fight the things off, and I collect the parts of the rug that I killed. Maybe they can make some clothes out of it when I get home. Or maybe I'll put 'em on a bonfire and watch the thing burn. It tried to kill us, after all. Next door is an after-dinner sitting room, styled like the rest of the house is. Mr. Svæin gets the 10 foot pole that I took from my magic robe to poke at things. Just so we maybe get the drop on things that wanna come alive again. But this room's safe. Sorta. The 2 glass chandeliers just drop onto the tables below them, for literally no reason. So, we get the heck outta there and check some other rooms. Mr. Surron puts his bird on my shoulder as I go ahead and check the next room. I really shouldn't have. It REEKS of shit. So bad that I feel sick to my stomach. Just barely avoid throwing up, it's so bad. So I close the door after seeing the zombutler in there, just standing. Dummy forgot to even start making the tea. I go tell the others what I found, and Mr. Surron's bird poops on me! Though I feel warmth spreading through me, and I don't feel sick anymore. Mr. Cor cleans my clothes and armor from the crap. There's a big bathtub standing down here too, with a gooey thing in it. I tell the rest that they should hold their breath when they're opening rooms from now on. We find a kitchen, something to make pizza's, and a loading dock. But nothing that looks like it's useful, or would have the heirloom we're looking for, so we decide to go check out upstairs. I go ahead of the rest a bit to try and sneak some. There's a washroom right to the left as you get upstairs, and a lavatory next to that. Explains why the room down below smelled so foul. As I check across the hallway, I see a small servant's room. With a ghostly woman or something coming out of the bed. So I pull the door closed and tell everybody that there's a bad monster in there. Or was it a bed monster? Either one works, I suppose. I grab a throwing knife to huck at the creepy thing coming from the room I just checked.. And then there's 3 howls, and 2 more ghostly women come from the rooms next to me! We make quick work of 2 of the ghostly maids or whatever they were, once more using my fancy Fan, because non-magical things just don't hurt like they're supposed to in here. After the 2nd ghost maid is dispatched, a ghostly warrior comes rushing out of what later turned out to be a master bedroom or something, and charges at the last ghost maid. After that one is taken care of as well, the warrior just poofs away on his own. He didn't even do anything, so what the heck was even the point? In the 'master bedroom', we find a big bed that's chopped to bits, along with the rest of the furniture, and a weirdly placed tomb or something. Mr. Gwyn finds a button, and presses it. There's a 'click' and something sounding like it's shifting, but nothing beyond that. After we pry off the lid, we find the mummified version of that warrior that ran out and basically did nothing against the ghost maids. And, of course, he decides to be a dick and clambers out of his grave to try and attack us. So we turn it to dust before he can even get to his feet properly. Another click after it dies and Mr. Gwyn pushes the button. I ask Mr. Svæin to hold one end of the 10ft pole while I hold the other, and hop around in the thing a bit to check for a false bottom. Maybe the heirloom was being guarded by this dipshit in his grave, right? Turns out, it wasn't. Guess that would've been too easy, really. The last room on this floor we hadn't checked yet has a woman in a pretty dress looking out the window. She seems real enough. But of course, as soon as we go into the room, it turns out that this room is just as bad as the rest. Bunch of animals, weird tools, and all-around macabre shit all over this big room. The woman tells us to meet her outside, then disappears. And the animals in here go bananas and attack. [Expletive] THIS HOUSE! Seriously, everything's trying to kill us! So, we go ahead and kill it dead before they can do much to us. I'm just about done with this place, really. Mr. Surron collects the chitin-glass ball or something like that. It looks creepy as balls. Like the presumed Duchess asked, we go outside. Stupid move, really. We get to a private garden with a small lake in it, and a dock with a half-decayed boat close to it. There's a woman there, working in the garden. I spot the chain of a necklace around her neck. As she turns around, we see that she's wearing the damned thing. We talk to her a bit, but it doesn't seem like we're making much headway towards a diplomatic solution. Then she talks about feeding us to her 'seedlings', whatever the [expletive] those might be. She seems upset that we're not the people she hired. Wonder what gave that away. Then she talks about wanting to take vitality from one of us. Or all of us. Yeah, we're not sacrificing anybody to this crazy [expletive]. Then the gate closes behind us, she tosses something onto the boat, and all [expletive] hell breaks loose. Again, [expletive] THIS PLACE! There's vine-creatures with pumpkin heads that sprout up from the patches of soil in the garden, and the boat just turns into a massive, hulking monstrosity. And the whole fight that ensued is just a giant fustercluck. Everybody does their thing, and we kill the vines. I clamber onto the hulking boat-thing and try to hit it with my Fan, since this thing ALSO doesn't have the decency to be hurt normally by my arrows. Kinda sad that Mr. Cor won't be able to make a pretty, magical bow for me out of that fancy living tree wood he got. Speaking of Mr. Cor, he went off and dropped a massive dark sphere on top of himself, right after I shot Naveen the [expletive] in the face. Also didn't have the decency to be hurt normally by it. Then she appears a bit later, slinging insults at people. Then she tries it on me. "You're short", she says, trying to magic me. "Your point?", I reply, not giving a damn. After a bit, the dark orb Mr. Cor disappears, and he's laying on the ground, with a vine creature cheering or something. So I hop over there, and feed Mr. Cor a potion while I take out the last Vine thing. After we killed everything that was first there, Naveen dives into the water and disappears with the necklace, after revealing that she's not human. Shortly after, the Wisps she called that were harassing Mr. Cor get the heck outta dodge when they realize we have 'em outnumbered. Good riddance to those floaty pests. We head back home after we're done collecting everything we need, and report to Mr. Lornan. Predictably, we don't get paid because we didn't collect the item we were hired to collect. But I wasn't gonna go near that creepy hag without someone there to distract her so I could yoink that necklace off her neck.. -Q-Halloween special: ... like a woman scorned by Gwyn
Today I will tell you about an adventure full of forgetfulness. It had been awhile since I had left for a mission. I would never have expected Lillandra’s death to have such an impact on me, the illustrious Gwyn. Maybe this was the reason I had fully dedicated myself in the art of poison, in order to forget... Was I becoming soft..? Nevertheless I could do with a bit more coin so of course when I heard that a woman was in need I rushed in order to aid her as best as I could. I was accompanied by Mr. Q, Mr. Surron and Mr. Svæin. A mighty fine lineup I would say. Oh and a pointy eared snob called Cor’torin was also there. After assessing the members of my party to my displeasure another elf came in. The annoying brat introduced herself as Alyr or something. Having talked with Lornan for more information about the mission we set out for the gate. After gathering my capable followers I led the party through the gate as a capable leader would. However, the big oaf not being experienced with the luxury of using the gate before thought that diving through it was a good idea and landed flat on his face.
Looking around beyond the gate we saw that we arrived in a recently harvested grain field. We immediately heard an annoying black raven beckoning to us whilst his black beady eyes methodically scanned each and every one of us, as if it was assessing us. It told us to follow him and flew off towards a fence leading up to a cart road. While we for some reason decided to follow this stupid raven along the road, we saw a field filled with crows. As if a switch was turned all of the crows stopped cawing and waddling on the field and turned their heads staring intently at us. Their unnerving gaze followed us until we could not see them anymore. After reaching the village we had seen from a distance up close it appeared cruder and more trodden down. Only a couple lights could be seen in some of the houses and no one appeared to be in sight. What a warm welcome!
On one of the doors there was a symbol in a language I did not understand. However, one among my party did possess the necessary skills. Mr. Surron determined it was a symbol indicating a newborn child. Mr. Svæin being so compassionate about a newborn life stated, and I quote “A new life should be celebrated! With my blessing and the blessing of Odin may this child make a fine warrior!” as he stabbed a dagger in the door as a gift for the newborn. I was so touched by this action, I almost shed a tear whilst gazing at the dagger.
It seems as if the raven did not like newborns as it was getting impatient and urged us to move along up the hill and through the forest. I must say I do quite like the forest, it feels just like home. Further in the depths of the forest in between the trees we saw blob of light swaying around following us. Mr. Svæin cordially greeted him. And how did the stranger react to this you think? By disappearing! How disgraceful of someone to ignore a polite greeting.
Having exited the forest we reached a large mansion with some ominous looking statues at the entrance gate. The statues were of some kind of horned bipedal creature with a flat nose and sharp ears. Quite ugly and disgusting if I must say so, why a duchess would put them in front of her house I would not know. They were standing erect as if guarding the premises. The garden seemed to be withered and the archway of vines was also devoid of life. Although Mr. Surron tried to breathe life into one of the flowers but it did not work as it wilted again immediately. There were some lights visible in some rooms. Upon taking a closer look at the mansion itself it also seemed to be worn down quite a lot. This duchess seems to have a weird taste in decorating a place. But I will not judge any lady for her tastes for I am a true gentleman!
While we were heading towards the door suddenly one of the demonic statues appeared to have turned his head? It was definitely looking towards the road but now it was looking at us. The eyes on its lifeless and disgusting face now containing a spark of life not seen before. Suddenly it wings unfurled and it leapt towards us. A statue moving on its own! I of course was not fazed by any of this in comparison to others in our group.
The muscle-bound Mr. Svæin dragged it to the ground whilst Mr. Q used his arrows and fan. However it did not seem to be effective against a monster made out of stone. So I heroically sprang forward dealing it a severe blow with my gifts leaving behind substantial damage. With my help we finished off the monster. Mr. Svæin with much precaution and foresight looked to see if the other statue would also come to life. But it did not. Even if it would be alive it would be a wise move to pretend to be a statue for its own sake. Another warm welcome by this godforsaken place!
Finally having arrived at the door and being “busy” with it for a while no one seemed to answer. As we were walking away from the front door to find another entrance it suddenly opened. How cliché. Do they think these banal actions scare me! We waltzed inside and saw two other statues just like the ones we encountered outside. Of course unfazed I did not even care about them. The little elven brat seemed to be hearing something thudding and coming closer to us. After its appearance became clearer we saw that it was an undead. Although it appeared to be slow it seemed to have some semblance of consciousness as it offered us some tea and told us that the duchess was the only person in the house even though there were a lot of moving things present. As he walked away he gave us a warning not to enter the second floor.
As we took our place in the waiting room trying to gather our thoughts we noticed that the room was well decorated in a baroque style. Suddenly the fireplace lit up on its own and images of dancing sprites could be seen. Everything looks so lavish upon our first gaze. However, I with my keen instincts investigated the bookcase and picked out the most expensive looking book. First, I was surprised then realization dawned upon me followed by a feeling of utter disgust. The book looked, emphasis on looked, to be expensive however it was a fake. All of it was just an illusion. Putting it back the illusion took hold again. The whole place was an illusion, a facade. This was confirmed by Mr. Surron as he used his magic in order to see what was going on. I felt utter disgust well up inside me against this so called “duchess”.
Even our tea was running late. I ought to teach a lesson to that fucking butler. Fed up I suggested investigating the ground floor. Mr. Surron and Mr. Q followed me while Mr. Svæin was sharpening all of his weapons. Of course the elves did nothing useful. Maybe cutting of their pointy ears will make them understand? Alas I cannot do those things anymore as these people are my companions...
We passed by a dining room and entered a room next to the stairs. Upon entering we saw a lot of mushrooms. Two of them were significantly bigger, I wondered if they would have any poisonous effects. When Mr. Surron and I got closer they suddenly emitted some spores and a pair of eyes opened up? How strange this mansion is. I began to hear voices and I suppose Mr. Surron did too as we began to have telepathic conversation with the mushrooms. They did not seem to want to come with us and were happy enough to stay and disperse in the house. Not sure what the effects of the spores were or what these mushrooms were capable of I thought it would be best to leave them.
Not finding the butler or any semblance of tea in this cursed mansion we decided to head back to the waiting room. Meeting up with the rest we decided to investigate the mansion starting from the dining room as it appeared to have another room attached next to it. Upon our entrance a lot of ghostly apparitions appeared seemingly enjoying a banquet. I believe Mr. Svæin had gotten very hungry as he tried to grab some of the meat on the table. But with that several inanimate objects came to life, the silverware began floating, the two metal armors in the corners of the room were lifting up their swords and the carpet moved! Even the carpet came to life. With every passing second this mansion seems to supersede its bizarreness.
Upon an arduous fight I managed to land several heavy blows which created opportunities for the rest of the party to resolve the situation. We entered the adjacent room which appeared to be an after-dinner room. Expecting more ghostly apparitions we moved on carefully. However, nothing of note happened, except two chandeliers falling from the ceiling.
Moving on we decided that stealth would be a better option so Mr. Q decides to investigate the next room. However, upon his return his countenance seems to have changed for the worse and he vehemently states that we should not enter that room while also informing us that the butler is there staring into nothingness. Calista, Mr. Surrons bird, took a shit on Mr. Q’s shoulder. While being fascinated by this event it seemed that the bird shit contained some healing properties as Mr. Q’s situation seemed to improve. The male elf seemed to believe that appearances are more important as he cleaned the bird shit.
The other rooms seemed to be less significant as we did not encounter anything so we decided to head upstairs. Although it pains me to break my word, even to an undead butler, we made our way upstairs. Well some could say that he also forgot our tea, so we would be even. Nevertheless, I make a mental note to myself that we should just destroy him when we leave. Dead things should just stay dead! And another small note is that I don’t like him. Heading up the stairs Mr. Q took the lead and before we managed to arrive next to him we saw him close a door and state that a bedmonster was inside. How intriguing, some would say that I would also count as a monster in bed! Gathering my thoughts I saw everyone take precautions at this supposed “bedmonster”, so I joined them. Suddenly we heard several howls coming from different directions as several ghostly maidens appear from different rooms. We made quick work of most of them but then a strange event happened. Another ghostly apparition came in, he seemed more like a warrior. It roared and charged into the last remaining ghost maiden and disappeared along with the maiden. How strange, maybe Mr. Q meant bad monster?
Entering yet again another room I found a chopped-up bed and a tomb. Moving in and investigating the tomb I found a button on it. Unhesitatingly I pressed it, for what could faze me. After a click and shifting sound nothing happened, how anticlimactic. After shifting the lid of the tomb we found a mummified version of the ghost warrior lying there. How surprising, it opened its eyes and lunged at us. Or rather lunged at its death, or is it third death?
Moving on to the last room on this floor Mr. Q and I spotted a lady standing behind a desk, looking out the window. The rest of the room also appeared very lavishly decorated and smelled of flowers. Having looked very carefully we determined that she was not a ghost and had an actual physical body. Which made me very happy, because at this point even my magnanimity had disappeared as I just suggested to Mr. Q to just shank the bitch. We were not even sure if she would have the necklace but if she did we could just take it from her cold dead body and leave. Truly a pity because she looked very beautiful and full of life from our angle but at this point I preferred her just being a rotten corpse. But before indulging myself in a feeling of ecstasy I checked to see if I had brought any ropes along with me…
Unfortunately as we entered the room its appearance changed and took a 180 degree turn. The scent of flowers made its way to a heavy and foul smell. The bookcases now contained vials and pots containing obscure items, some of which were still moving. The tables were filled with cages containing bones of some sort of creature. Several animal corpses were strung on chains and ropes which were dangling from the ceiling. She asked us how we dealt with Granna and told us to meet outside in the garden. While she disappeared swarms of animals lept at us but we easily dealt with the situation. At this point I was really feeling fed up with this mansion. Preferably I would like to burn it to the ground and dance over its ashes when done, maybe even take a piss over it when leaving.
As we went to the garden we saw the fucking bitch leisurely doing some garden work and digging some holes for flowers. I almost instinctively smiled as I felt this scene being funny. Because it felt like she was just digging her own grave. Behind her was a small lake and a broken-down boat. Upon closer inspection I could not determine the situation, surely she must have arranged some countermeasures against us. Whilst talking she seems to have mistaken us for another party, the one which she supposedly hired. As I showed her the picture of the necklace and tried to negotiate with her she began to talk some nonsense about her health and feeding us to her seedlings. We just tried to leave but the doors closed behind us and she declared that if we would like to leave one of us needed to stay with her. Preferably someone with a lot of vitality and youth. I liked the suggestion, because it was straight to the point, and I immediately thought of the air-headed elven girl. Just as I was about to make the suggestion, our party decided that this was not an option. How unfortunate, this way would be so much more efficient as the duchess seems quite confident in handling all of us.
So I decided to act more diplomatically and started bombarding her with 1001 reasons why she should let us go. I offered her the head of the lady making us the false claim for the necklace which surprisingly she seemed shocked about and immediately declined. That person appeared to be her healer or something, how strange. We offered to look at her current situation as we had several people with the gifts of healing and medicinal knowledge. This she also declined stating that she already had a healer. Yeah, apparently the one which want to steal your necklace. Also I offered her the best of the best healing facilities back in Arnheim, everyone would be at her beck and call in order to cure here. This she also vehemently declined. Our final option was just to try and kill her. So that we did, a fight ensued and several creatures appeared. They had bodies made out of vines and upon it a head of pumpkin. Also the decayed boat came to life after the duchess threw something at it, it stood up with a gigantic body looming over the rest of us.
After a long and hard fight I managed to fell the construct of a boat with the aid of the rest of the party. Meanwhile Cor’torin managed to achieve nothing in his sphere of darkness and making things even better the duchess called in wisps which also aimed at the elf. Moving on the duchess herself seemed to try and swim away through the lake. Finally showing her true form. The elegant and beautiful appearance shed away revealing a shriveled and disgusting figure. This wicked creature was a hag, she was manipulating the whole village and everyone all along. While Mr. Q finally felled the last vine creature the wisps also decided to leave Cor’torin alone saving the miserable sod’s life.
In the end we had achieved nothing. The hag had gotten away and with her the necklace too. There goes my income. We decided to head back and report to the guild. Heading back to the gate I felt so dejected about not getting paid that I completely forgot about burning the house down, hell I even forgot to kill the fucking zombie butler. What waste of time this mission was!
Signed ~ Gwyn Faol’tiarna
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