Some things are suppose to be forgotten

Hello again... erm.. Whoever is reading this.
Today was.. Well, I don't want to think about it but I should write it down just in case things.. Are forgotten again.
Today started out fun, Gremory was dancing on the roof of the carriage and I used some minor illusion to make it look like his shoes were sparking as he danced. The sunrise was beautiful, I've never seen the lake from this angle before and I was happy to experience it with my new friends! I think I got the name of one of them, her name is Gen!
Eventually we came to a stop after I noticed a carriage in the lake that had some activity, Gremory went to look at it while I tried to convince the priest to stop the carriage. I wasn't sure what it was at first that Gremory was talking to. That is until there was a horrid Howell that shook the earth beneath it, I don't know what it was, or if the wolf folk found us but it was terrifying, I could hear the fenine in the, well at that point Holding cell going completely wild. It wasn't until I got a closer look at that I realized what Gremory was talking to, what Carmen was aiming at..
 
I.. Remembered something from a long time ago.. I don't want to relive it, but I already did.. and if the Fenine are in so few numbers.. This may vary well be one of the few written documents of their troubled existence...
I remembered something from when I was small.. Something Horrible..
When I was small, the Fenine would offer me food before Mom and Dad found me.. They in some ways were my family for a short time..
A very short time before a troop of goblins raided the village.. They.. They were almost wiped out, in the blood and screaming I was hidden in the brush by one of the fenine, by one with kind eyes and fur covered in black splotches.. Before the Goblins found them..
The pain and suffering I witnessed before me before I even knew the world... I don't know why.. all that pain needed to be caused for food...
I didn't even know what I did until after I already did it. The red goblin that tortured the fenine from my past was barely more than paste on the dirt path we journeyed on. I wasn't in control, I was just screaming and I couldn't stop, it's like I wasn't even in my own body, that these bones were not mine. The fenine scrambling and screaming in the carriage felt like my mind. So much panic, fear, anger, loss. It felt like my mind was burning, holding a fire within that was going to burn me down from the inside out until I was nothing more than the goblin before me. I, I don't even know what happened, it felt like a blur, like the horror I witnessed was being reenacted, but I was not in the brush anymore, I was the one causing the pain.. When I came to I couldn't.. I was crying so hard, everything hurt, I was so tired, I couldn't even tell you if I felt glad about that red monster's life ending was closure, it felt like I lost control and became a monster far worse, that I MURDERED someone in cold blood.. This.. This must be what dad meant when he said he hoped I'd never have to live with the feeling of ending another living creature's life.. I feel so heavy.. like I got caught up in a nightmare and never woke up and just keep floating along with what my mind believes what would happen..
.. I don't understand why Gen comforted me.. She could have been in so much danger if I was... But when she held me.. I felt like it was okay to be weak again.. A black Fenine asked me why I.. Why that.. What happened, I felt like she already knew in some ways, that I didn't need to retell the pain of what happened, that she already had that pain hiding deep within. Gremory brought the helmet that was in the submerged carriage and gave it to me. It reminded me of the ones my Dad would let me try on when I was small. In some ways it reminded me of when I helped my mom heal injured wildlife, that covering their eyes would calm them because they would be blind to their fears.
The priest asked me if I was going to be a danger to anyone else, I honestly don't know what to say.. I don't want to be, I do not hope to be. I want to help. I.. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid I'm going to be what causes nightmares in others..
I think I fell asleep as soon as we got back to the Carriage, I remember holding onto Gen to help me feel anchored to reality. I think Gremory was trying to comfort me as well, I must have been dreaming that though, because I swear I felt feathers softer than anything I've ever felt before drape over me.
I must have been asleep for a long time, we got too Winterfell when I woke up, It was beautiful, I was so tired, I didn't realize this was THE WINTERFELL until I was climbing a tower that the guard was leading me to to rest. When I finally got to my room it was like a flurry of energy tried it's best to reawaken me to the hope, to the excitement that I was where mom lived before she passed! Unfortunately it wasn't enough to get me past the bed. Dropping my backpack felt like dropping half of my body as I fell into the bed.. I was trying to find the chapter mom wrote about wintefell, but i must have fallen asleep. I don't know who this man was but he entered my room and said he needed my help, something about the man that was on the wanted posters.. He said I needed to help save the world from this thing.. .I think I've heard it before.. This thing called...
He showed it to me.
It washed over me like something ancient yet new
Incredibly powerful, but chaotic..
..
I believe it was a dream.. But I still can't get over the feeling that I'm being watched..
I have a feeling that there's something else to be afraid of and it's not just myself.
Mom.. What were you getting involved in when you left?