Mielikki

One of the few good memories I have of the traitorous Tanra is from when he trained as a young lad. I remember that in one of the first lessons we had he did nothing other than knock be back on my rear by thrusting his shield against me. It frustrated me, I was short tempered as a young lad, and as I tried to swing against him recklessly he'd swat me away with ease each time. By the time I couldn't stand anymore, he lent me a hand up but I slapped his away in frustration while the other men who sat around laughed. I wanted to smash his head in with my wooden sword with the strength of Tjorvi, but I felt helpless, I was toyed with and couldn't even secure my footing. Over the years I've come to terms with why I felt frustrated, and used that memory to better myself.
 
It's been a long time since I felt so helpless again, so inadequate and weak as the giant Monacles planted us into the ground before knocking us away or thrusting our bodies into the ground. I lost count of how many times I lost consciousness, at times I could even see multiple copies of the giant, swing after swing seemed to do nothing, as I merely scratched the giant's feet with the Runecarver. I couldn't hurt it, I couldn't help Aloise who was as injured as me and though I tried to keep her safe, I was not able to and even the God I pledged my life to defend I failed to save.
 
Today I witnessed the death of a God. Today I broke a vow for the first time in my life.
 
We are facing giants who can enslave and destroy Gods, yet I can't even defeat some of the men of the land. Swing after swing in the morning, I feel my strength has stagnated, I feel my swordsmanship is still full of flaws, I don't know how to progress, I don't know how to better myself and her, how can I face her? How can I look in her eyes after I failed to protect her Goddess, the one who saved my sister's arm and her dreams, the one who has blessed her and through it saved our lives countless times.
 
What good are a man's vows if he can't keep them?
 
The land itself seems to be tearing itself from every direction and though I thrust myself towards the tears, I keep bumping against increasingly greater walls that I feel increasingly less prepared for. I feel myself torn between being afraid and feeling obligated to protect the lands and those who are dear to me, but each time I do so I also gamble the lives of those who support and follow me. The others expect me to guide them but I feel like I can barely guide my own blade.
 
I hate that I was right about the threat Monacles represented. Everything was not enough to stop him but, beyond everything, what else can I give?