That Fecking Wezard

Ah bin gain fur sae lang Ah almost don’t min' whaur tae start. Ah guess i’ll start wi' 'at asshole wizard. he come lookin' fur a ceilidh tae “sae his wife” frae th' clutches ay his pest servant, al-salazheem, his nam was. Ah hink there's somethin' aff abit thes wizard but if a quine needs rescuin', i’ll rescue. he says he’s a master illusionist ur somethin' an' gi'es us some bunsens tae gang back tae his tower an' tak' th' portal tae th' lair ay th' bloke 'at betrayed heem.
 
weel we gie puckle horses an' tak' aff, fin' thes bastard's tower an' gie in alrecht. its real boss an' we fin' some magical items jist kin' ay displayed aroond. noo bein' as we ur honoorable folk an' hink he micht want tae bide haur efter th' whole kidnappin' problem is solved we try tae lae weel enaw aloyn an' make uir way upstairs.
 
it's haur 'at things gie weird, mah mukker. th' second fluir it turns it is whaur his wife’s room was. her’s an' his other sex wi'es...this dobber hud bin merrit sex times afair he mit his “ain true loove serafina”. we don’t gie much time tae hink abit thes since we gie attacked by a crew ay banshees. guess hoo mony thaur waur mukker. tak' a wild guess. if ye said sex yoo’re alrecht at math, Ah teel ye. but, anyway, they waur comin' at us radge an' shriekin'. we fooght them aff. they seemed tae hae a hin' fur me bein' th' only female, kept tryin' tae possess me. succeeded a time afair Ah forced th' huir it an' sent 'er back tae th' afterlife.
 
after th' fightin' died doon, we remembered 'at thaur hud bin a locked cellar duir an' th' she-ghosts hud come frae belaw us. knowin' a wee bit abit hoo undeid loch tae nae bide deid, we ran downstairs an' busted th' lock aff th' basement duir. th' fanny hud aw ay them doon thaur. aw ay his wi'es preserved loch some kin' ay grotesque trophies an' swarmin' wi' necromantic magic. we ran th' puir burds it tae th' yard an' burned their bodies tae gie rid ay th' magic an' lit them be at peace. doon thaur wi' th' bodies we also foond a body labeled serafina an' sit 'er tae rest an aw afair she cam tae try tae kill us an aw. noo 'at th' hen we waur sent tae rescue was deid we waur confused as tae whit tae dae.
 
we decided 'at we waur gonnae gie tae th' bottom ay thes madman’s plan an' 'at he definitely wasn’t gonnae gie whit he wants. we reentered th' tower an' figured wa th' heel nae an' took puckle ay his magical curiosities an' ran up th' tower. we foond th' joornals ay his wi'es detailin' th' lies he tauld them abit himself an' th' fact 'at ance they waur in th' tower he held them prisoner an' ne'er lit them lae. he biddin wi' them an' watched them aw die ay auld age an' used their sools tae extend his life. we foond th' portal an' went ben only tae immediately be drapped tae uir apparent deaths.
 
as we feel fur whit felt loch forever, we got swept up by a crew ay some kin' ay birdmen, fa took us tae their “queen shazz” fa jist sae happened tae be a dragon. she ever sae kindly explained 'at th' a bampot dobber wizard hud sent us tae th' plane ay air chasin' efter a genie 'at he hud imprisoned. thes bloke jist keeps gettin' waur an' waur, Ah teel ye. we waur able tae bide as guests wi' 'er fur th' nicht an' got an escort tae th' ootwith ay th' genies hoose.
 
so thes genie, haur, he got back frae th' tower an' locked himself up an' doesn’t lit nae a body in an' his guards kill whatever tries...so we figure we sneak inside. Ah change intae a moggie tae be mair snealth-like an' th' others climb intae uir trusty magic poke. Ah jump us inside an' a wee bit ay sneakin' gits us tae al-salazheem. ay coorse he is radge but when we explain 'at we arenae thaur tae kill heem, but tae buck up 'at wizard he lets us in oan whats bin gonnae oan.
 
hes got thes magic staine super similar tae th' a body we foond at underhill, min'? its got serafina’s sool in it an' he’s stoppin' it frae givin' life tae th' wizard. as lang as he has it 'at wizard will die in puckle weeks ay auld age. we come tae an arrangement an' gie tae bide an' bide fur heem tae be deid an' they free serafina’s sool by fightin' 'er when she is released. if only it waur 'at simple thocht as intae uir raither borin' bide anither feckin' crew ay jobbie adventurers comes tae kill al. we manage tae barnie them aff ay heem but th' crystal that's holdin' serafina breaks an' she gits lit it early. al puts up some kinda barrier an' locks us in wi' 'er an' we barnie fur uir li'es against th' banshee, but we defeat 'er an' as cheers al tells us ne'er tae come back again… he’s an awfy ungracioos sort ay fellaw, if ye ask me. but he sends us back reit quick an' suin as i’m dain trackin' buttercup an' th' others we make uir way haem.