Today I am Scared, but That is Not That Different From Normal

I got this journal a while ago and I know that I wanted to write in it but I kept forgetting and I figured that I should do something involving writing.
 
I have learned that I am scared of a great many things. A lot of it seems to do with other people. But also with myself. I think I'm more scared of myself.
 
Lady Bella is pregnant. I started to wonder what that would be like. To carry a child inside of me. Would it be possible? Because I started to wonder.
 
Do I even have the organs to be able to have a child?
What if I have fish roe instead of human parts?
Would I lay eggs instead of have a child?
Was I truly made to be so grotesque?
 
 
Why does this uncertainty frighten me?
 
 
Not that it matters. I am not courting anyone--not that anyone would want a monster like me. I am not so boldly free and confident with my body the way Miss Violet is. And I am no romantic soul the way Lord Esch is either, with all his fancy words and gentlemanly charms. Lady Jaeger thought I looked attractive the other night, but I do not know if I believe her. She doesn't see the all of me.
 
 
I wish I knew why I cannot seem to accept the kindness or praise others give me. Praise is such a nice thing. I wish I could make myself accept it.