Turning Point

I'm hungry.
 
I'm so fucking hungry.
 
My entire body is on fire and I have pins and needles so badly I can barely hold the pencil I'm using right now, but it's better than before. Feels like there was a release. Like running yourself out after getting too much energy in your legs. And no matter how much I ate - like an hour ago, less - the aching and gnawing wouldn't go away. It's still here as I sit writing this, even though I can tell I've overeaten every time I move.
 
Context. Right.
 
We arrested Delacroix and got just a little justice for Alain. Turns out the guy was after a magical cure-all to save himself from some disease that's been eating him alive all this time, and not just sating some morbid curiosity. I didn't knock any of his teeth out in the end, because I got it. I didn't like it, and I didn't forgive him for his part in Alain's death, but I got why he did it. No point in punching a guy who's already on his way out. Some other random fuckery happened since then, got a couple new...party members? I guess we're a party now. Kestrel. Naive as all hells, but also ready to bite your fingers off at a moment's notice. And then later we got Eliza, who I know almost nothing about, but she's definitely more than she seems. They were both nice, but I'm not sure how I feel just yet. Might put them in the 'suspicious' box for now and figure it out later. We then got a tip that the Inquisition - shocker - was up to something. Nathaniel was in knots about this, and right now he's sleeping off everything he drank to try and ignore that fact. That and the other thing. I'll get to that.
 
The Inquisition is trying to bring in some magical license thing, and they tried to stage an attack on the city by a bunch of druids, feeding them rage potions to make sure they got violent, so they could then step in, 'save' everyone and bring in their license. I don't trust magic, but this is still illegal, manipulating bullshit that has nothing to do with protecting people. This is partly why Nathaniel's having such a hard time. Might go and help him get breakfast tomorrow. He'll want something greasy to chase down that hangover. In any case, we did what we apparently do best and stirred the pot. We'd met Eliza at this point and she somehow convinced a guy to start a mob and chase down some other guy, I think one of his business rivals? I don't think she even did anything magical, but was too far away to really tell. I just sort of stood there with my mouth open. In any case, that distraction let us get a hold of the rage potions the Inquisitors were going to use on those druids, so hopefully we've stalled that plan at least.
 
That's when things went wrong.
 
When we got a hold of those potions, I - for some gods-forsaken reason - decided to try one. The others were talking about it and suggested it might keep me going in battle, and at first I shut that down because I wanted to stay in control. Then something, some part of me wanted to do it. I barely had time to think about why I even wanted it, I just HAD to do it. They shut me in a room, barred the door and everything, and I drank the potion. The next thing I know, I'm out of my room in the main area, and a lot of the furniture had massive chunks taken out of it. The bannisters on the landing were smashed out, one of the tables was broken and there were bits of wood and plaster everywhere. My clothes were covered in this weird, greasy film and I felt so hot I thought I was actually going to pass out. Pins and needles so strong I could barely move. The ants were back with a vengeance. When I finally got up, everyone was standing around me looking...well, mostly confused I think, but some were definitely scared. I also didn't notice I had a dagger in my gut until they'd sat me down at a different table to tell me what happened. I just pulled it out and gave it back.
 
From what they said, I went fucking berserk. And not in my normal way. They said I...transformed? That they almost didn't recognise me and I definitely didn't seem to recognise them. Apparently I threw Nathaniel from the landing at Alistair, and Eliza was the one who threw the knife at me. I did this. And the scariest part is that I don't remember a single thing about it. When people talk about amnesia in stories and stuff like that, they seem like they can just about remember stuff if they concentrate really hard, but they get a headache or they freak out doing it. Not with me. It's like my brain was wiped clean, like there's nothing there at all. I don't actually know how badly I hurt them, only that I did. And then afterwards I got so hungry that I was able to ignore that thought for a while. Instead of apologising or offering to help clean up, I sat there just eating like I'd never get another chance, but the hunger didn't lessen at all, and I had to physically stop myself.
 
So, here I am. Sitting in my newly repaired bedroom, scribbling away, with no clue what happened to me or why. Sure, I drank the potion and that obviously triggered this, but from what the others said they tried a spell to end its effects, only I didn't stop, so it has to be something else. This has to be connected to everything else that's been happening, when the flesh unravels from my bones and starts waving around like grass in the wind, when my bones crack themselves open to make new shapes and I can feel every single thing.
 
Be calm.
 
Be calm.
 
Don't cry.
 
I'll go to bed now. If I manage to pass out then hopefully I won't have to think about this for a few hours. I'm with Nathaniel on this one.