Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 5: Response to Letters 1-2, Part 1

Dear Faelyn,
 
This is my reply to your first letter, the sad one. I’d like you to read it first.
 
First: This isn’t so easy as my letters look. I write them first in journal and then copy them again to send. Maybe it is a clever act. I censor myself from being too honest. I won’t do that in this letter, so you can see how much I cross out.
 
There are so many letters I do not send you. On the 8th of Roshan, I wrote, “You make me feel so very at home.” I crossed that out. I wrote, “You”, then I crossed out “are” and “very” and “cute” and “attractive” and “beautiful” before finally writing “look very nice with your hair up.”
 
On the 12th of Roshan I copied down the song you sang to Terrestri and tried my best to draw a picture of you two dancing. I’m no artist, but flipping past it makes me fond for you all over again.
 
On the 16th of Roshan, my heart still firmly with you, I wrote as part of the day’s event, “wow!!” and then “wow!!!” and then “He does kiss good...” and then “wow!” That night I wrote a letter to you. It said, “I’m always honest with my partners and I expect it in turn, but I know the price of certain stories.” I ended that line of thought with, “In return, please forgive my silence when it comes from grief, not distrust.”
 
On the 13th of Aul, I wrote, “I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to start my day beside you.”
 
I never wrote these words thinking you’d see them. I’m still too scared to give you everything I’ve written. Scared of rejection, scared of being too eager, scared of being too honest. Your hesitancy in this regard is shared. I suppose I’ve been getting tired of being scared.
 
Maybe that’s why it seems easy instead of me saying, “Fuck it. Does it really matter?”
 
And of course it does, it matters a lot, but saying “fuck it” first really helps the rest go down. A spoonful of sugar?
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Second: I’ve been many different people, Faelyn. I’m more than capable of fooling both of us. Right now, I’m not a murderer or a thief or a scoundrel.
 
I’ve been all of those things. Some of them for longer than I should have been. They are part of who I am. Part of what led me to the place I am now. I’ve never much been a believer in fate, but something keeps telling me I am exactly where I need to be right now.
 
Which I think means that you were exactly where you were needed, too, in a weird way.
 
Wow, that came off a lot more egocentric than I meant it to be. It was supposed to be really comforting. Normally, I’d just take that line out, but we’re not doing that in this letter. See, this is where my mystique gets ruined by not filtering all the stupid shit I think about.
 
At least it’s probably a good way to show you that I’m not playing any games with you, Mister Faelyn. I am trying to be all those people I’ve ever been and the people I wish I was all at once. And sometimes that means I say dumb things.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Third: I’d never thought of my hatred being born from love. I get upset, I get so angry when people who didn’t do anything wrong get hurt. I guess I’ve spent too much time on the other side of judgement to know ‘wrong’ is subjective.
 
When someone attacks me, I’m not wrong to defend myself, but that doesn’t mean they were wrong to attack me either. For them, I’m sure it was perfectly reasonable. Maybe they were scared, maybe they were desperate, maybe they thought I just deserved to die. I’ve had to make those calls.
 
How can I not mourn someone who never meant to wrong me?
 
This is silly, but there’s a reason I’m a vegetarian. I don’t like anyone or anything to suffer. The only thing I have ever took pleasure in killing was meenlocks, but they were—It’s really not important. Boy, I wish I could erase that line, but I won’t.
 
What is important is that I’m a simple creature, Faelyn. Death, Herself is not bad, but dying is. It’s a very general rule of thumb. There will always be grief in the wake of dying. I wish, most of the time, I wasn’t as good at making people die as I am.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Fourth: It would be stupid of me to tell you not to grieve for me. I wish I was callous enough to write you off like that.
 
In that letter I never sent, but almost did from the 13th of Aul, I wrote,
 
“I know this isn't a comfortable conversation, but neither is the silence that surrounds it. One day, we will part ways. I hope that we will have the luxury of 'goodbye'. Whatever may come, I will not be far from you. In your memories and my letters and the sea and the stars. You need look no farther for me if you still want me.
 
And if you need me once I am gone, go to the shore. I will be waiting for you, but you will not see where I stand. It will be where the waves cover the sand. Put your hand in the tide and you will feel me reach for you. I will give you what comfort I can.
 
I don't want you to fear for me, dear. Whatever I give to you, I want it to carry you forward and never hold you back.
 
I think that means I might love you.”
 
On the 14th, I told you I loved you.
 
Isn’t it awful how being scared for you, for what might come after me and how helpless I felt to not be able to protect you from that made me realize I might love you? Reading your fear here made my heart squeeze painfully. I can only do what time will allow me to try to shield you from whatever comes later.
 
It wasn’t the fear that made me realize I do love you. I don’t know if I’m in love you with you, but I know that I love you. I know that wherever I am, I am with you, too.
 
I am yours, venmi.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Fifth: If I have a choice in leaving you, I will tell you. I promise you this. I wish I could offer more than words.
 
I will not dismiss your fears, but I want to alleviate this one. You are important to me, Faelyn. If I need to leave you for your own good, I will give you ‘goodbye’.
 
With me, goodbye doesn’t always mean you’ll never see me again.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Tell Dahlia thank you for me. These are things we should talk about without fear. She was right to insist that this was important. The things you feel are important.
 
To end this letter, I’ll leave it off at the letter I should have sent you in the first place.
 
“I don't want to imagine life without you right now. Somehow, I can only see myself as the one who leaves and wanting to be sure I have given you everything before I go. Maybe it is only selfishness to not want to know a world you can't change with your wonderful mind, your wonderful heart.
 
I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to start my day beside you. For all I’ve written of goodbyes, I dream only of the time we will spend together. Our goodbye is an afterthought to everything that will come before.
 
Can we watch the stars in your garden? I want to teach you songs. I want to teach you more songs for Terrestri. I want to sing for you. I want to know what I sound like when I sing for you. I want to sing with you. I want to take you to the tide and dance with you. I want to listen to you. I want to hear you talk about things I can only imagine by your words.
 
I want so much time with you, Faelyn.”
 
Yours,
Truly,
Valweld’mion