Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 9: Response to Letter 3
Dear Faelyn,
To start this: I am ashamed of myself for how quick I was to think you no longer wanted me, either. Also a little amused that we were having the same sort of thoughts and fears. That we both thought we’d overestimated our value to the other.
At times, I allow my anxiety to get the best of me. I often want reassurance to calm my nerves. As you need time to think, I may need to ask you to tell me when you need the quiet. Being shut out is so very scary. I know myself and I know I will take your silence as disappointment or anger. Neither of these are your fault.
I’m not asking to be let in, but please tell me when you need time. I do not mind waiting if I am told to wait. It’s only the unknown which brings me no small amount of fear.
I promise not to broach more difficult topics over Sending. So you may have the time and long conversations you need. If a conversation turns difficult, would you ask me to wait as I would ask of you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You said I deserve someone who did not have to consider kindness. Someone who would not make me wait for niceties. Someone who is good to the last drop.
Even if I deserved this imaginary person, would they deserve me?
I am not kind to my core. The last drop of me is bitter and unforgiving and selfish and angry and cruel and cowardly. Every day, there is something new for me to regret and learn. Today, I am learning patience. And it will need to be practiced to be lived. Would you really inflict me upon someone who will utterly forgive my shortfalls? Someone who is too kind and loving to take an apology for the hurt I cause them? Someone who would never ask me to be better?
To be patient?
Sometimes I ask myself if you deserve me. You are working hard to be the person you want to be. You do not deserve to be hindered by me. And there lies all my worst faults in how I want for you. Even those times I think you would be better without me I cannot bring myself to truly admit it, much less to take action.
Home has meant one thing for so long. It was mist across jagged rocks battered by the ocean and flowers shaking snow from the late winter in an early spring and thunder making the shutters shudder. It will still mean that, too, but... You’ve so easily changed its definition. Lately when I carelessly say “home”, I imagine the tables I helped lay for dinner or your hand over mine or your arms around my waist as I read and you sleep.
I am not a creature who can live on a pedestal, mo corrachag-cagail. My body bleeds and my mouth is sometimes quicker than my good sense and my hands will look for yours. If you place me there, I will leap right into your arms.
The place you can keep me is by your side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My heart has no numbers, love.
It is only made of people who I—perhaps rashly—gave part of myself to. They’ve almost always returned it, better than what I gave. I am more than content to be your number 2.
I know you do not completely trust me. Our six month anniversary is coming up very soon. Why would I expect all of you by now? As frank as I can be, you don’t know all of me either. Our lives are long and we both have so much of it left. There are stories I cannot tell. I do not begrudge your silence.
I’m glad for what you have trusted me with. And I want to make new stories with you; stories we’re happy to tell each other.
(Have you guessed what part of myself I gave you, mo chridhe?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally, I see what you meant now. Whatever forgiveness I can give for what you said, I do. I know this is your first relationship, but I am not as experienced as you may believe. Sometimes, I don’t have the answer. I’m trying to do things “right” for you, whatever that means.
Of all of my romantic relationships, only 3 have lasted over a month. You are the third, Faelyn.
While I have done a lot of healing since my marriage, my ex-husband was my first in everything. Some things about what he did still makes me hesitate, makes me wonder.
I wanted what my parents had. For all my father’s faults, love was so clear in everything to do with my pa. His voice was softer, he smiled, he’d lean down when they were talking like a moth to a flame. My pa’s eyes would sparkle, his hands would still, and he’d smile bright enough to rival a flame. Even when they had a disagreement, their love never faltered. Whatever they saw when they looked at each other reminded them they could be better people.
As beautiful, funny and charming as I am... I’ve always been a little insecure. I wanted to be the people they were and found myself lacking. Lately, I’ve been made keenly aware of how much of a disappointment I was to both of them. Whatever I feel now is nothing compared to when I was younger and trying so hard at college.
I thought I was “in love”. While my ex-husband was younger than me in years, he was older than me, too. He was 50 when we met at my college. He was... charismatic, handsome, and I thought he was in love with me, too.
Stupid.
He took advantage of my insecurities. And by the time I realized, we had a child named after a father-in-law that hated me, a child my family didn’t even get to know existed. I felt so stuck and helpless.
Sometimes I ask myself if he knew what he was doing. The answer that scares me the most is the one where he didn’t even do it out of malice or greed. Maybe he even thought what he was doing wasn’t wrong.
Maybe he thought he was stuck, too.
I know now that falling in love doesn’t exist. What my parents had was probably the result of a lot of work and time I wasn’t alive to see. Like everything, I wanted it right away. I didn’t hesitate like I should have, like I can now.
I am bad at being first of anything. First impressions, first kisses, being the first of my parents’ children... I could go on. It scares me when I find myself to be the first for fear I may be the last for ruining it. I don’t want you to regret me. I’m so very scared of hurting you the way he hurt me.
So as much as you’re trying to be better for me, I’m trying to be better for you. I want to be someone who deserves the happiness you give me. What time we have, I want it to be good for you. That perhaps love isn’t “pathetic codependence” or feeling “stuck” and instead... more like what my parents had.
And... a part of me hopes one day you’ll fall in love.
And you’ll really mean it when you say you did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I were to pepper this letter entirely in romantic sentiments, I might tell you that I was waiting my whole life for you to decide you were ready for the moment we met. And then I may say I didn’t mind the wait because I knew I’d find you one day. It gave me time to be ready to meet you, too. Perhaps I’d lean in and confess I thought I’d met you many times before.
Every time, unfailingly, I was wrong.
But, I’d whisper—low and just for you—like a secret or a promise, this time I’m right.
“Well, who am I?” That’d be the right kind of question to ask.
Would it be the right kind of question for me to answer?
Mm.
yours,
Mion
Valweld'mion's Journal Ordered oldest to newest
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 1
27th of Raqi, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 2-3
27th of Raqi, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 4-7: Events leading up to this journal
27th of Raqi, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 8-9: Dear Ridan Venmila
28th of Raqi, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 10: Today's notes, 2 days until Harvest Fest
28th of Raqi, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 11: Dear Valrieth
28th of Raqi, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 122: Dear Willow
23rd of Aul, 368
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Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 5: Response to Letters 1-2, Part 1
26th of Aul, 368
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Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 6: Response to Letters 1-2, Part 2
26th of Aul, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 2, Page 1: Dear whomever it may concern
27th of Aul, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 2, Page 2: Dear Faelyn
27th of Aul, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 138: Today's Events (7th-10th of Eiral)
7th-10th of Eiral, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 144-148: Today's Events, we awoke and found the facility was clean
15th of Eiral, 368
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Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 149-150: Dear Faelyn
15th of Eiral, 368
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Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 7: An Apology
29th of Dylin, 368
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Faelyn Ar'aphine's Letters to Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Letter 3: Response to Letter 7
29th of Dylin, 1572
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Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 8: A Note on a Ribbon
29th of Dylin, 368
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Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 9: Response to Letter 3
30th of Dylin, 368
27th of Raqi, 368
27th of Raqi, 368
27th of Raqi, 368
28th of Raqi, 368
28th of Raqi, 368
28th of Raqi, 368
23rd of Aul, 368
26th of Aul, 368
26th of Aul, 368
27th of Aul, 368
27th of Aul, 368
7th-10th of Eiral, 368
15th of Eiral, 368
15th of Eiral, 368
29th of Dylin, 368
29th of Dylin, 1572
29th of Dylin, 368
30th of Dylin, 368
The major events and journals in Valweld'mion's history, from the beginning to today.
Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 1
Dear Marvey, Don't snoop in my shit. Unless I'm dead. Then, read on to the next page at your leisure. What do I have to lose? I'm dead. your friend, Or, as you know me, Venmila E....
02:29 am - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 2-3
To whom it may concern, If you are Aera, Marvey, Jeff, Meyloni, Aegis, Willow, Umbra, Nox or Titus: Congratulations! You have the dubious honor of outliving me. I am not the true immortal my father was. Unfortunate we are both finding out this way. ...
03:44 am - 05.03.2020Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 9
Dear Faelyn, To start this: I am ashamed of myself for how quick I was to think you no longer wanted me, either. Also a little amused that we were having the same sort of thoughts and fears. That we both thought we’d overestimated our value to the ot...
03:48 am - 05.03.2020Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 8: A Note on a Ribbon
FAELYN, I tried to tie a ribbon on Courier’s wrist, but I think they thought it was a gift for you? Sorry, dear, it’s a gift for them as thank you! I love you. My day was... Weird. We got attacked by mushrooms and Jeff caused a poor fae we...
03:50 am - 05.03.2020Faelyn Ar'aphine's Letters to Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Letter 3: Response to Letter 7
Valweld’mion, I will try to be as direct about this as I can: honest statements and evaluations. If it comes off as cold, it is because I am trying to lay things out cleanly and simply in a way that no matters of the heart can ever me. But I am clums...
03:52 am - 05.03.2020Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 7: An Apology
Dear Faelyn, Normally I delight in writing your letters. I think of what you must look like when you read them. Can I make you smile? Laugh? Blush? When you smile, I can see your freckles in your dimples. (Did I ever tell you that?) Whatever delight I ...
03:55 am - 05.03.2020Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 6: Response to Letters 1-2, Part 2
Dear Faelyn, No cheating, this letter is the good stuff for when you’ve finished the hard-to-read letter. I must admit, you made me blush quite a lot, Mr. Ar’aphine. My ears shook so badly, I had to set it down and cover my face for a moment. I...
04:01 am - 05.03.2020Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 6: Response to Letters 1-2, Part 1
Dear Faelyn, This is my reply to your first letter, the sad one. I’d like you to read it first. First: This isn’t so easy as my letters look. I write them first in journal and then copy them again to send. Maybe it is a clever act. I censor mys...
04:02 am - 05.03.2020Valweld'mion Gi'ila's Letters to Faelyn Ar'aphine, Letter 6: Response to Letters 1-2, Part 2
Dear Faelyn, No cheating, this letter is the good stuff for when you’ve finished the hard-to-read letter. I must admit, you made me blush quite a lot, Mr. Ar’aphine. My ears shook so badly, I had to set it down and cover my face for a moment. I...
04:03 am - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 4-7
Events leading up to this journal: - went to port to resupply - caught in fog on the road - met other travels with weird accents - stole a lamp from a post -Learned the names of the other travelers [ul][li]aarakocra named Aera[/li] [li]firbolg n...
04:15 am - 05.03.2020Jounrla of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 8-9: Dear Ridan Venmila
Dear Ridan Venmila, I'm sorry I haven't written you in some time. Not that it matter with all that was lost. A monster wore your face. Even knowing it would kill me, I couldn't touch it. I hadn't seen your face in so long, child. I know I will never...
04:56 am - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 10: Today's notes, 2 days until Harvest Fest
Today's notes: - 2 days until Harvest Fest - Did some fighting in the Arena - Aera is really good! - Arena fight during the festival - Faelyn is a magic user! - he makes really cool stuff - I invested 100 gold in his business - I hope he uses it a...
05:02 am - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 11: Dear Valrieth
Dear Valrieth, You're never going to forgive me, are you? Mm. I don't expect you to wait on me since it has either only been a couple months or a few years. I'm still unaware. I hope you have moved on from me. I was never much in the first place. W...
05:05 am - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 149-150: Dear Faelyn
Dear Faelyn, You may rip this letter out. I say "may", but I would prefer if [u]did[/u] rip it out. When I give you this journal, I give you my trust. Something to have of me while I am away. I started another journal just for you, but that will come t...
04:40 pm - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Pages 144-148: Today's Events, we awoke and found the facility was clean
Today's Events: - we awoke and found the facility was clean. - when attempting to break down a door, Aera was ambushed by one of the tall birdlike creatures we saw in the Shadowfell - a melee ensued where it only appeared to target Aera until it killed...
05:00 pm - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 138: Today's Event (7th-10th of Eiral)
7th of Eiral Today's Events - a storm is coming, delightful - maybe I should teach Aera to sing - I want to go! I'm restless [hr] 8th of Eiral Today's Events - big storm! Big!!! [hr] 9th of Eiral Today's Events - we'll arrive tom...
05:07 pm - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 1, Page 122: Dear Willow
Dear Willow, Thank you for your persistence despite my quiet withdrawal from most things. I don't want grief to be between myself and answers to questions that have plagued me. These questions are more complicated than our little experiments. What a...
05:16 pm - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 2, Page 1: Dear whomever it may concern
Dear whomever it may concern, Best you place this in the post with whatever money you found on my corpse and have it delivered to the address listed below. This is a certain kind of cursed, but probably not of the variety that will lose you luck at gam...
05:23 pm - 05.03.2020Journal of Valweld'mion Gi'ila, Volume 2, Page 2: Dear Faelyn
Dear Faelyn, You said you treasured my letters so this is just another thing for you to hold onto. With the first journal, remove what you think is appropriate. Whether information I've asked or whatever you want or need to redact for your own safety o...
05:29 pm - 05.03.2020The list of amazing people following the adventures of Valweld'mion.
Social
Birthplace
Faran Iqueia
Hobbies & Pets
Spends a lot of time keeping a journal where they write small notes on the day or letters. They are known to doodle things they consider to be good memories, but these doodles are, in their own words, "not very good".