Getting Ahead in the Railroad Business

The two feathered lizard men rode their culchans alongside the railroad tracks. The skink priest normally didn’t pay much attention to the human’s railroad lines before, but these tracks gleamed in the harsh sun. He had never seen fresh railroad tracks before.   The Bad Lands were rocky and rugged with very uneven ground. The Culchans were ideal for covering uneven ground, but the skink quietly marveled at the railroad tracks which were perfectly straight. By pick axe, dynamite and shovel, the milk suckers had straightened the land of the Badlands, at least near the tracks.   His companion turned to him.   “Hardly any game out here. I can only eat dry biscuits and bacon for so long. If’n we don’t run out of prog entirely. Yuqal'Cho-ax, I hope whatever the Breeders have to offer is worth us going this far into the mahrlect Badlands. ”   “I reckon it will be Kai’ax. The railroad man said we’d get 10 gold eagles each just to talk. If he’s willing to spend two hundred bucks just for a chin wag, whatever job he wants us to do has got to be BIG! Hopefully the humans will have some fresh vittles too by the bye.”   The larger skink grinned. After a few moments riding in silence he spoke again.   “Do you know why the humans are building a railroad into the Badlands?”   “I reckon they don’t want to go into the Badlands, they want to go through the Badlands. A lot shorter trip to Fog City than going around it.”   “These tracks seem to go on forever. If the map they gave us is good and I read the stars right, I reckon we should reach their camp by nightfall.” “Who needs a map, we are looking for a railroad workers camp. We follow till the tracks end.”   A few minutes later the skinks saw the dust of approaching riders. Three men on horseback approached them with carbines at the ready. The middle human spoke first.   “Halt state your business Liz’uns!”   The human nearest him grabbed the iron out of his hand.   “Don’t attitudinize them you stupid gump! The boss man invited the rangos” “First orcs, now rangos.” The first human muttered.   The smaller skink addressed the humans.   “I take it, we are close to camp then.”   A human scratched the stubble on his sweaty chin.   “Nah, about four hours actually.”   The taller skink cocked his feathery head.   “Three outriders with repeating carbines on eight hour long range patrols? You boys are pretty well-heeled for a bunch of rail workers. Did you Breeders start another Civil War while I wasn’t looking?”   “There’s this—” the youngest human started before he was cut off with a dirty look.   Ah, their boss told them to keep their mouth shut.   Kai’ax turned to his companion and addressed him in Old Saurian.  I say we listen to their pitch, take the two hundred bucks, say ‘no’ and make our own tracks right out of here.” “Maybe, but I am curious to hear what he has to say.  The Skink priest switched to the human tongue and addressed the men in Riekspiel.   “Lead on good sirs! To camp.”   The party reached the camp about an hour before dusk. There were at least a hundred tents and fifty wagons. Along the tracks ahead there was an engine with several cars hitched behind it. A lot of the men were armed but judging by the way they nervously held their guns, they didn’t seem particularly well trained or battle hardened. Dusty haggard humans in a variety of skin tones milled about. There were a few halflings and dwarfs mixed in.   A group of humans were gathering and singing in a human language the Skink didn’t know. By their skin tone and manner of dress, Yuqal'Cho-ax thought they must be Cathayans. Wait that’s not singing, they’re praying.   He addressed his companion.  That’s a human funeral. If each shroud is for a dead man that’s a lot of dead.  The taller Skink just nodded.   More armed humans came out to greet them. A light skinned human stepped forward. By the way he carried himself and was slightly better dressed, he was probably the foreman. He gestured at the culchans the Skinks were riding.   “Welcome! Welcome to our camp! You’ll need to hitch up your ridin’ chickens somewhere isolated. Best away from the Cathayans. The Catts spook easily and if they get hungry they might try to eat your noble steeds.”   The Skinks hitched up their rides at the edge of the camp and allowed themselves to be lead to the train cars. There were more guards around the train than the camp perimeter. Two of the cars was embossed with large letters: LG   A medium toned human held up two sacks.   “Check your irons and blades please, gentlemen.”   The Skink priest deposited in a rifle, a pistol, and a knife. Reluctantly the larger Skink followed suit with a rifle, three pistols and two knives into the other sack.   Yuqal'Cho-ax grunted and bobbed his head at his companion.   Kai’ax pulled out a concealed derringer and put in the sack.   After an awkward pause and more angry head bobbing from his companion, Kai’ax took off his left boot and pulled out a small knife, depositing it in the sack. He turned to his companion waspishly.  You are going to put your lightning in the sack too.” “Only if they ask politely.” he replied with a grin.   Once let inside it was obvious the boss’ cars had a wide variety of things one wouldn’t expect to find in a derelict workers’ camp including a crystal chandelier, an ice box, a piano, several books, a dwarf made premium coffee grinder, several oil paintings of railroads, and an ornate humidor. They hadn’t even seen the second car.   A large dark skinned man, dark well-tailored suit, and an eye patch let them into the second car. The first thing apparent was a fully stocked bar with a mustached man behind it in suspenders. The second thing the Skinks noticed was the boss.   Across a mahogany desk sat a well-groomed drwarf at least as fancy as his railroad car. He had a silk top hat and a hand tailored suit that probably came from the Old World. He checked his gold pocket watch and waved at the Lizardmen cordially.   “Rangos! You are a day or two earlier than I was expecting. That’s good! My name’s Lordroid Goldmann he said.”   The skinks were mildly taken aback but Kai’ax hid his surprise with a retort.   “Oh yes, we saw your initials on the train car…”   “Barky, skink the Skinks a drink. You rango’s like tequila, right?” the dwarf continued as if the skink had not spoken.   “We invented tequila.” Yuqal'Cho-ax said with a smile waving for a glass.   The other Skink shook his head.   “I can get cactus juice anytime I want. Got anything imported from the Old World?” “The forty-five Brettonian Bordeaux is from the Old World…..sir” the bartender said. “I never drank anything from Brettonia before.”   The bartender looked towards his boss who nodded. He poured the Skink a glass which he quaffed without bothering to smell or savor first. He made a sour face but then smiled.   “Tastes expensive. Give me another glass!”   The dwarf smiled indulgently though the smile did not reach his eyes.   “Just leave the bottle, Sam, you can go.”   The servant shuffled out.   Goldmann refilled the Skink’s glass and poured himself one. He took a slow sip. Then lit a cigar and began puffing on it, deliberately milking the silence until it became painful.   Kai’ax looked like he wanted to say something smart, but his companion silenced him with a look before staring intently at the dwarf waiting for him to speak first.   “I reckon you boys are curious as to know why I asked you to come all this way.” “I am curious as to why the richest dwarf in the West is willing to be this close to the front lines in Monster Country” Said Yuqal'Cho-ax “I’m curious when we get our two hundred dollars hard money.” said Kai’ax.   The dwarf grinned and pulled a large bag of coins out of his desk. He counted twenty ten dollar gold coins.   “I didn’t get to be this rich because I wasn’t willing to get my hands dirty.” “He got that rich from cheating his business partners.” Kai’ax said in an undertone. “Don’t bite the coin in front of him.” Yuqal'Cho-ax whispered to his friend.   “I heard tell you two boys helped find and bring a Win-deggo in Hammer Gulch last year.” “You heard a story about something we did for a small village four states away?” Yuqal'Cho-ax asked. “I keep an ear to the ground for unusual things. I got me a Win-deggo gone done et nearly two dozen men, not counting Cattys and goblins. Funeral costs are breaking me, I need you to put the Win-deggo in the ground.” The dwarf replied “A wendigo is not going to be this far south in mid-Summer.” Yuqal'Cho-ax corrected him. “I’m sure you can handle more than just ice daemons. When you got a monster problem, you call Yuckel chow and Kalax the Rango monster hunters,” the dwarf replied. “How is one monster above your bend? Don’t you have minions to handle this sort of thing?” Kai’ax asked.   The dwarf pulled a blood smeared tattered half a hat from underneath his desk.   “Monster et six of my best men. Do you think I usually settle for my right hand man only having one eye?”   The one-eyed human was still in the room and clearly heard this. He tried and failed to mask his irritation.   “Then I done hired some orcs. Monster et them too.” The wealthy dwarf continued “Did any workers or soldiers come back to say what the monster looks like?”   The wealthy dwarf shook his head.   “Mystery monsters cost extra,” said the priest. “How’s five thousand dollars sound?” the dwarf asked.   Kai’ax’s mouth dropped.  Mahrlect Breeder cannot be serious. A lot of people he owed money to had unusual accidents or ‘suicides,’” he said to his friend.   Lordroid Goldmann laughed.   “I believe Breeder or Breeder is a term referred to humans. The word you are looking for is ‘mahrlect Stunty'.”   “Stunty is something the goblins say. We don’t actually have a Saurian insult term for dwarves.” The priest corrected.   “I suppose we could call him a mahrlect milksucker. That would be inclusive with humans, elves, dwarves, and halflings among others. Milk drinking, yuck” the warrior said.   “You can speak Old Saurian?” Yuqal'Cho-ax asked.   “No, but I know insults and cuss words in twelve languages. So do you puddle brains accept my deal? Five thousand to bed this mystery monster down.” “Plus expenses,” the priest said. “Plus expenses,” replied the dwarf. “We need to make sure he doesn’t cheat us, make him swear an oath. What’s the most sacred oath for dwarves?” Kai’ax asked the other skink. “Swear to this deal on your beard,” said the priest. “I swear on my b—” “Swear in front of the whole camp,” said the warrior.   Kai’ax only knew cuss words in five languages, but one of those five languages was Khalazid. He learned one or two new words.   ********************************************************************************************   “And therefore I Lordroid Goldmann swear on my beard to pay these fine Saurios five thousand dollars and to cover their expenses for removing the monster for us.”   The assorted workers gave some unenthusiastic haphazard applause.   “And they have sworn to me by their gods to destroy the monster or die trying!”   The crowd applauded considerably more enthusiastically.  That last part is new.” Kai’ax muttered. “Well you wanted him to swear in front of the whole camp…” Yuqal'Cho-ax replied. “Well, the big boss is covering our supplies, let’s see what kind of fixins’ the pot rustler’s got, I’m hungry.” The Skink warrior rubbed his stomach.   After the skinks left the chuck wagon with a sack of foodstuffs. Kai’ax also bought a buffalo rifle. Goldmann wouldn’t give it away but they were able to buy it at a steep discount. As Kai’ax was checking his new iron, a Cathayan timidly approached them.   “Mr. Rango, sir. Before the monster came when we dynamited into a mountain side. We found this on a stone nearby.”   Another Cathayan surreptitiously pulled a stone from underneath his cloak.   “It’s old Saurian glyphs….can you read it?” Kai’ax asked.   Yuqal'Cho-ax took the stone gingerly.   “I was not the best student on Old Saurian. A lot of these glyphs are faint from centuries of erosion too. It’s hard to read.”   He pointed to the largest, deepest carved glyph on top.   “That says ‘danger.’ The rest I’m not sure of,” Explained the priest. “The rest of it probably says. “Do not dynamite, there is a monster inside.” Kai’ax said. “Thank you for this stone.” Yuqal'Cho-ax addressed the Cathayans before giving them ten dollars each. “We’ll rest tonight and head to the site of the violence at dawn. Should be easy to find, we just follow the railroad tracks till they stop.”   A Cathayan turned around nervously.   “One more thing Rango, sir. I never saw the monster but I heard its voice echoing on the wind. It said ‘I need food.’ And it spoke in my language.”   *********************************************************   Besides scattered tools and firearms rusting in the dust and an untouched pile of rails. The ground was strewn with scattered pieces of cloths.   Kai’ax examined a rifle.   “Orcish make. Looks like it still works. Orc weapons might not be the most accurate but they can take a beating and still work.”   He looked around and picked up a very large dusty revolver.   “This belong to Goldmann’s boys. This is not working, but it might be fixable. Worth a nice chunk of change if we can get it work. Not a lot of stoppin’ power but the fastest fire rate of any revolver.”   “Ugh, what is that?” Yuqual’Cho-ax asked pointing towards a large slimy lump.   Kai’ax picked up a shovel and poked it.   “It’s like an owl pellet when owls upchuck whatever they cannot digest. Only it ain’t mouse bones in it.”   He exposed a cracked orc skull with his shovel.   “There are a lot of round craters in the ground. Like boulders pelting the ground. Could a giant squig make these marks?” Yuqual’Cho-ax. “I hear squigs can reach great size in the Badlands, but I don’t reckon it’s a squig.” the warrior kicked the ground and brought up a small cloud of dust. “The ground is not very soft here. Squigs aren’t heavy enough to make marks this deep in soil this heavy. Over there the gaps between the holes are too wide for a hopping squig, over here there are a bit narrow. And here….”   He paused for effect.   “The boulder monster rolled. Squigs don’t roll like that. And even giant squigs aren’t bullet proof.” “Squigs don’t talk in Cathayan either,” the priest muttered quietly to himself.   The skink priest froze.   “You know what we are dealing with, don’t you?” his friend asked. “I hope I’m wrong. I reckon we are dealing with a floating head.”   The larger skink fingered his buffalo rifle nervously.   “Mahrlect, like from ancient times? I’m not sure this Big Fifty will get the job done. How did our ancestors deal with floating heads?”   “Usually a slann would smite them.” “Fresh out of slann.” “The legendary Oldblood Ralesk slew the foul disembodied head with his enchanted obstinite blade.” “Ain’t got no oldbloods or enchanted blades neither.”   A booming voice rumbled in Saurian.  I HUNGER!!!!  A sphere flew towards them. It looked like a humanoid face sculpted by a potter who only had a vague idea what humanoid heads look liked and was not very detail oriented. Half-flying, half jumping as it came closer the details of the roughhewn face became more hideously apparent revealing yellow blood shot eyes and a mouth of misshapen and irregular teeth, some pointy some flat.   Kai’ax aimed his buffalo rifle. It was high caliber but only had one shot. He couldn’t afford to miss. Yuqual’Cho-ax began an incantation/prayer.  Old Ones of our ancestors grant me your might. Give me eyes of Huanchi god of night, Tlazcotl lend me give me the strength of the land, Tepok guide my hand. Chotec split the sky with your power bright. SOTEK MANIFEST YOUR BITE!  The hairy head was about eight feet in diameter. Kai’ax hit the giant head in the cheek a split second before a thunderbolt pierced the sky and flashed in front of the creatures face. Kai’ax knew what was coming and shielded his eyes.   Kai’ax knew as impressive as Sotek Fang’s were, they were more flash than substance. A small puncture wound in the floating head’s cheek dribbled a bit of blood. A faint red burn mark marked on the forehead where the bolt struck but the monster barely seemed hurt at all.   Floating in midair it flailed about in all directions.  BRIGHT LIGHT HURTS! CAN”T SEE!” “He’s buffaloed but it won’t last” the priest said staggering with exhaustion from the spell he cast. “HEAR YOU! SMELL YOU! EAT YOU!”   The floating head switched from Saurian to Riekspiel seemingly in response to the skink switching languages. It leapt toward the pair of skinks landing between them and making a large dent in the ground then plowed a trench as it rolled with its mouth open trying to catch the skinks but only getting a mouthful of dirt. The monster inhaled deeply through its bulbous nose as if trying to smell them out blinking its dilated eyes.  Can barely stand…You run.” Yuqual’Cho-ax moaned. “No the food packs.”   He helped his friend hobble to the where their culchans were tethered and grabbed one of their sacks of food and dumped it on the ground. Then dumped the other in another direction.   As hoped, the half-blind monster went for the food first, giving them enough time to mount their steeds and escape. It seemed to really enjoy eating the blood sausage.   As the two skinks rode towards camp. Kai’ax spoke.   “The best weapons we had couldn’t hurt it…Not really. Maybe ten buffalo guns. Good thing it liked the blood sausage better than us. If we don’t have legendary weapons, how do we beat this thing?” “Use its hunger and stupidity against it. I heard a legend about an ancient skink priest sacrificing himself to lure such a creature to a cave and sealing it. I think that’s what the stone glyphs tried to explain.”   As they got back to the camp, a large group met them, including Goldmann who stepped forward.   “I take it from your exhausted terrified faces the monster has ya’ll licked.”   Kai’ax resisted the urge to verbally lash out.   “We know what it is now and can form a plan now.”   A rumbling was heard in the distance   “I am hungry!” “I am hungry” "¡Estoy hambriento!” “Wǒ èle!” “Mjög svangur”   “Sakes alive, they lured it here!” screamed one of the foreman. “If you are working on a plan, you better make it quick!” said he wealthy dwarf.   Kai’ax was speechless, but Yuqual’Cho-ax brisked up and spoke.   “We need dynamite…and blood sausage.”   Goldmann was struck dumb.   “JUST DO IT!” Kai’ax shouted.   “Get the damn rangos their sausage and dynamite!” Goldmann shouted to some workers nearby.   He turned towards those with weapons.   “You guys with guys with guns, form a line or somethin’! Get a wiggle on! Don’t let the varmit through!”   “I EAT YOU!” “¡te comeré!”   The monster was some distance away but its voice carried far announcing its plan to eat everyone in Saurian, Riekspiel, Cathayan, Khazalid, and Estalian.   Kai’ax and Yuqual’Cho-ax positioned themselves forward ahead of the milk suckers with their secret weapon.  This is the stupidest plan I ever heard.” Kai’ax said. “I didn’t hear you come up with a better plan.” his friend answered. “Well my plan was cannons but Goldmann didn’t have any.”   The floating head flew towards the skinks and stopped blinking its eyes in confusion.   “Why no running! Why no screaming? Why no shooting?” the monster asked. “We thought you might want to eat this blood sausage instead of all the folks here.” Yuqual’Cho-ax said waiving a piece of sausage.   “I do like blood sausage….Feathered men give me sausage?” “But you have to promise to leave everyone alone afterwards.” The priest said. “Hmmm, I can eat blood sausage and THEN eat the people.”   The floating head paused awkwardly, then looked at the Skinks and the cowering humans and dwarfs behind them.   “No wait. You give me the sausage and I will NOT eat the people. Yes, that. You can trust me.” “Sounds like a deal!” Kai’ax said, “But there’s a trick to make it taste even better. Light this fuse and let it burn to the end. Then eat the sausage.”   Kai’ax lit the fuse on his blood sausage and let burn down then, then ate it, choking down the hot nub of the fuse, coughing slightly.   “Delicious! But you can’t start to chew it until the fuse burns down.” the Skink said.   The monster looked happy and greedy but then furrowed it’s brow in frustration.   “Hmmm, don’t have hands, can’t light sausage! YOU, you light sausage for me or I eat you!”   “Well, okay, if you insist…”   Goldmann and the humans nearby watched with baited breath as the Skinks inserted four lit sticks of dynamite into the monster’s mouth as if they were giant cigars.   “Yummy! I like—“   BOOOOOOMMM!!!   The skinks were splattered in brains and skull fragments as the onlookers cheered.  Maybe we can ask Goldmann for a bonus.” “I wouldn’t count on it.


Cover image: by Paul1748