A Traveler's Guide to the River of Nightmares
Editor's Note: This has been directly transcribed from a recording of...dubious quality. Some edits have been made to accommodate the palate of the average reader.
The scene opens in a dim maloca, lit only by four windows in the roof. The ensorcelled glasses used to record the broadcast face into the side of the maloca, away from the narrator. Smoke occasionally obscures the view of the dirt walls.
"Welcome! Chances are, you're about to embark on a trip to the River of Nightmares. Perhaps you've seen the amazing pictures from the voyage of Syr Dav Ettin-Burrow. Perhaps you've tasted some of the river water yourself, and grown a hankering for more. Perhaps you've heard it's the place for adventurers and thrill-seekers to embark on the voyage of discovery (pun absolutely intended). And let me be clear...it is. But before you go skipping off to dive in the River of Nightmares, there are a few things you should know."
"First and foremost, the River is evil. Again, the River is evil. Remember that. It wants nothing more then to consume your magic, your life, and your soul. Don't believe me? I just so happen to have gathered some expert testimony on the matter."
The glasses are jostled around for fifteen entire minutes as the narrator travels through a jungle landscape, eventually arriving at a village. Once there, the narrator makes every effort to call the attention of the nearby people, who seem to be engaged in a variety of meaningless busywork. Despite the narrator's best sloth impression and a couple of thrown mangoes,
only three citizens gathered to respond to the questioning.
The River is a dangerous place, it can scare you like nothing else if you aren't careful...had a few friends that went onto the water and never came back. Don't go if you aren't absolutely sure you can handle it.
No one ever tells you about the worst part of the River: the mosquitos. They're everywhere! Millions, nay, trillions of them! Throw a mango in any direction and you'll hit a hundred. Don't go to the River if you value your blood. In fact, don't go to the River at all.
Wait just a minute...I recognize you. You're that bothersome "tourism manager" that led a crash of rhinos right through the housing committee meeting! Just wait till I get to the magistrate and report...Hey! Stop!The narrator bolts away, pursued by the furious denizens of the town. The holder of house-related grievances is first, followed by the town guard, the town magistrate, a nearby toucan, and the mango vendor whose mangoes the narrator stole. As the chase continues, the narrator crashes through the jungle, repeatedly stumbling into the expansive foliage. One by one, the components of the angry horde stop chasing the narrator and turn back towards the town until only a single guard remains. The narrator, completely oblivious, barrels onward. After a long and harrowing chase, the narrator finally emerges from the jungle and halts for breath on the bank of a river. The final town guard participating in the chase sprints from the dense underbrush and immediately attempts to stop, a look of terror on his face. Forced forwards by his momentum, the guard tumbles to the ground and slams straight into the narrator. The narrator is hurtled backwards and plunges into the river. The River of Nightmares, to be precise. For a moment, the recording glasses show only river water. The view of the river flickers, and fades away. "To cross this bridge, you must answer these questions three." "Who are you? How...where am I?" "To cross this bridge, you must answer these questions three." View is slowly restored. The narrator is gazing upon a vivid landscape overflowing with colorful flowers and towering trees. A gargantuan slate-grey statue of a crying magistrate stands nearby, overshadowing a mossy bridge. "To cross this bridge, you must answer these questions three." The narrator focuses in on the magistrate statue. Its intricately carved eyes gleam in the rapidly fading sunlight. "Who...what? A talking statue? Where am I? Why am I not breathing?" "To cross this bridge, you must answer these questions three." "I don't even want to cross that stupid bridge! Get me back to where I came from!" The narrator sprints away. For a moment, the landscape blurs and shifts. The narrator seems to run in a circle, and finishes back at the same mossy bridge. "To cross this bridge, you must answer these questions three" "Fine! Whatever your questions are, I'll answer them!" "Question the first: What is the best way to end a life?" The sun seems to accelerate its fall from the sky. Shadows creep up the nearby trees. "I don't know! Just let me out!" "Question the first: What is the best way to end a life?" "Overindulgence on mangoes? Are you happy now? Can I leave?" "Question the second: If a tree, great or small, falls in the forest, do the other trees come to its aid? "Sure! Whatever!" "Question the third: Do you know how to swim?" "What?" "Question the third: Do you know how to swim?" "No, not very well. Why? Am I done?" At those words, the sun suddenly drops the rest of the way below the horizon. The narrator's vision flickers and disappears once more. The next sight recorded is the churning pool at the base of a waterfall. The narrator screams for a few seconds, and then is once more dragged into the River of Nightmares. Soon, the vibrant illusory landscape returns. "To cross this bridge you must answer these questions three." "Oh, not this again. Mangoes, yes, no. Ok? Happy?" "Very well." "Really? That worked?" The scene rapidly shifts to a kaleidoscopic nightmare of whirling colors and blaring sounds, before fading away once again. Finally, the narrator collapses onto the side of the river, winded but alive.
Comments