Snippet: Santa's Sexy Alfs

En mands POV, mørkeste øjeblik i Aleas liv, forsvunden post. Velgørende arbejde!! Fordi arrangørerne er nogle lækre fyre. Så har Zel skrevet dem op. Nissepiger.
"Nope. I am not wearing that. No fucking way!" I'm aggressively rejecting the skimpy santa's helper outfit, Zeldine has thrown to me in the bathroom. I, of course, refused to even go too, when Zeldine proposed the idea back home.

"Come ooon! Do it for me, please?" Zeldine pleads.

"Degrade myself - and my heritage - to hand out beers to hand out drinks to drunk people and remain absolutely sober myself?"

"Our 'proud heritage' is all about young girls being so sexy that they lead men astray - I think it can handle us being in sexy costumes for one night."

"That... is an annoyingly great point"

"Plus - it's a body positivity thing! - You get to be their obsession for a night and go to sleep feeling proud and wanted and... that kind of stuff!"

"...you really want us to do this."

"It's, like, a bucket list thing!"

She says that about the most absurd shit. Some day I'd like to see that bucket list just to see how far it goes. To Zeldine's great joy, I start dropping out of my clothes to put on the very short dress with a big sigh.

---

"See - it's all good fun, Al!" Zel shouts above the music. I'd still rather drink myself, but being around happy humans just living it up is actually kinda infectuous.

"Yeah, I don't know why I hesitated!" I shout back.

"Are you a real alf?" some young dude beckons me.

"What?" I ask as I top off his glass.

"Are you a real alf?" he goes again.

"No, not really," I answer - truthfully enough.

"But your friend is?" he slurs on.

"No, she's not either," I try laughing it off.

"Bullshit! She's blue! You're alfs aren't you!" Fuck, I promised to do this for Zel, and this guy is clearly too drunk to be corrected.

"Okay, you got me!" I try laughing it off.

"I fucking knew it! Is santa real too? Can I talk to him?"

"I don't think you've been nice enough," I try walking away, but this fucking guy actually gets up.

"Can I touch your ears?" he asks, already reaching out, but I dodge away, starting to get really annoyed.

"No. Stick to your own," I blurt back, hoping he gets a fucking hint.

"Come on! How about a kiss?" he even has the audacity to start making kissing faces. I have to get away before I punch him in his stupid face.

"Hey, stay off the lady!" a voice calls out as someone steps in, in front of me. Normally I'd be fucking pissed for some 'white knight' coming to save me, but I also don't wanna make a scene for once. Luckily the drunk guy choses to back down, and the new guy turns to face me: "You okay?"

"Uh, yeah. I deal with creeps like him all the time," I laugh it off. "But thanks! Can I bring you anything?"

"Another beer'd be nice. Bring one for yourself, if you'd like," he smiles behind the thick beard, reaching the middle of his flannel shirt.

"You've got it!" I wink at him and start walking to the bar.

"Heeey, nice catch," Zeldine call out as we meet up. "I knew you'd find something around here."

"I didn't find anything, what are you talking about?"

"But you totally started playing with you hair though. You always do that around your prey."

"No, I don't!" I start laughing nervously. God,do I? "Okay, he's cute - so what? I'm not gonna act upon it"

"Chill, girl! Let yourself have fun for once! You need to get over that Leo guy, anyway, and I say the best way is to wash off the old taste with a bit of new!"

"Oh, I'm totally over him already - it wasn't even a thing to begin with!" I snap back.

"Right... Your tear-soaked pillow totally supports that picture!" Zeldine mocks me teasingly.

"God, shut up, Zel! I'm over him and I'll prove it!" She doesn't get to tell me what's what! I grab a couple of mugs and head down to 'mister lumberjack'. I'll fucking show her, Leo and anybody else deciding who I'm over or not!

"Hey boys, make a seat for Santa's Little Helper?" I say turning on my charm, back at the hot guy's table. The surprised men scoot apart just enough for my tiny frame to fit in between two of them. As I lift my leg to get over the bench, I get very aware of how short this dress actually is.

"We were talking about the speculated geneolotical variations in homo dryadalis." one of the guys says as an ice breaker to how clever he is. With one look at Zeldine's smug face, I decide not to roll my eyes.

"Okay? Uhh, riveting!" I say with a big smile, as I smack the glass mugs on the table. "So you're what - biology students?"

"Guilty as charged," he answers. Tall, hot guy hums in agreement.

"Do you study too?" hot guy asks.

"Uhh no, I'm... not."

Ugh, don't look down on me for that. The thing is that if anything I'd be curious in the Sports course, but I dunno if that'd make me look better or worse for these guys. Maybe I just play the bimbo until I've proven my point to Zel. I just - I can't believe I'm saying this - but I just need to channel my inner Zeldine.

"But, like, biology is cool - studying animals and stuff?" Oof, okay, no, I can't do it. One look at 'tall hot guy' and I just really want to impress him. I won't do that with the bimbo act! "...or genetics was it?"

"We get around all of it, actually," a third guy chimes in. "Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen an Alf on campus..."

"Well, they're mostly happy with... simpler lives, and we changelings usually go in other directions," I start. Okay, this I at least know something about.

"You're a changeling! That means you're bound to become a fey at some point, right?"

"Uuhh, those who choose to do so, yeah." It's okay, Alea. As long as we don't go into details, you can talk about this. "Some of us choose not to though. Unpredictable outcomes and all that."

"Oof, that sounds... rough to be in. But there must be someway to know the outcome, right? A test of some sort?" he asks enthusiastically.

"I mean, you're the biologists - you tell me. But if any of you were to invent such a test, you'd be heralded!" From their shared glances, that seemed to strike a chord with them.

"I mean, that'd require willing test subjects, intensive studies of your people and maybe your, uhhh, Otherworld? Would you be willing to submit yourselves to that?" hot guy says, and I wonder just how much fun he'd have me submit to. No, stop - that's not the subject, right now!

"Well, everything starts with asking a question," I wink at him - tastefully, I hope. "I'm Alea by the way."

"Oh, uh, I'm Oliver, and this is Benjamin - and Patrick," hot guy - uh, Oliver says: "We're happy to meet you."

"Likewise," I smile at all of them, keep his gaze a bit last. Oh, shit, I'm kind of on a job. "So, uhh, you guys need any more beer?"

"Yeah, let's get another round," 'fancy words guy' - or Benjamin says, preparing to get up.

"Oh, no, let me - I'm theoretically still working," I say and get up.

"But isn't this a voluntary thing? I thought they just asked students to sign up," Benjamin responds to my surprise. I can see her winking at me from another table. Zeldine, I'm gonna kill you. But since I'm already here...

"Oh, right," I say and sit back down. "I think I may have stayed sober for no reason then."

"Allow us then," Benjamin says and gets up again, this time to no protest from me.

"So, uhh, tell us a bit of Otherworld," Patrick inquires: "I-if you may, of course."

"Yeah, sure - I mean, I can't tell you much, but there are no secrets that I'm aware of," I start, emptying the last drops from my beer mug. "So, uhh, I haven't actually been there yet - or just once - unofficially I guess. I mean, we do some scout stuff back home and learn about it a bit, but going there is, uhm, potentially really dangerous. A lot of scary feyfolk and trolls and stuff like that. But the place itself is unlike anything, I have ever seen. I mean, nature - just going on eternally in every direction. Mountains, forest of just huge fucking trees - sorry. Huge trees."

"How about animals? Specific plants?" Oliver asks, looking utterly dumbfounded.

"Uh, didn't have time to take in the details. I was kinda in distress at the time," I laugh nervously. "But there was a guy - vettir - uh, human-like. And a crow. And I dunno, I think the crow might've talked to him." They share another look at that information. Patrick looks at me as if trying to discern whether I'm talking crap or not. "I mean, I didn't see it talk, but the guy was definitely having a two-sided conversation with someone. Anyway, it's not a place you just... find a way into and go for a hike or shi-... something."

"What did I miss?" Benjamin asks, as he breaks the pensive silence that almost started to build. He sits down and places a mug for me, which I start gulping from.

"Alea was telling us about Otherworld - she has actually been there!" Patrick explains.

"Shortly!" I correct him

"Aww man, I would've liked to hear that!" Benjamin sighs.

"We've read a bit about it in class," Oliver tells me. "But much is speculation and theory. It's a big subject, and few people have been there and told about it."

It's the Eldorado for biologists," Benjamin adds. "Everything fey-related is, but many are scared of magic and curses too."

"Oh!" I blurt out surprised. "Uh, yeah, I don't know much about that. But I promise I won't curse any of you!"

"That's a relief at least!" Oliver states.

"Did I hear you correctly earlier, calling a vettir 'human-like'? As in you don't consider yourself 'human'?" Patrick asks.

"Uh, I mean, no...? Humans - I mean - people don't usually make us feel... well, 'human'. And I guess the whole true fey thing is very... unhuman." Oof, this subject, I really don't like. "I mean, we're some who try to be - I try to be... human."

"But, like, genetically, how far apart are you from a human?" Benjamin asks this time. "I mean you look mostly human!"

'Mostly' he says - there it is."

"Evidently not enough," I sigh, trying not to look sad. Maybe if I just drink some more. I start upping my pace.

"But, like, you are close enough to mix genetically - have offspring with humans, right?" Ugh, that's a very unsexy way to put it. And not the rigth one to ask either. Sorry Benjamin.

"You wanna breed me, is that it?" I ask dismissively, not realizing my hand slipping to Oliver's thigh before it has landed firmly, and I don't feel like retracting it.

"N-no, I mean, just theoretically!" Benjamin backpedals quickly.

"Well, theoretically - yes we are - all of us. So don't go fucking your household kobold anytime soon, unless you want a really vindictive baby mamma."

"No, of course not! ...I mean, we don't even have one."

"That's a shame though. A lot of kobolds go homeless. They could really use good homes."

"How would that even work? I mean, if they used to be around secretly, but now they'd be out in the open - like a roommate?"

"Nooo... Well, they could be a roommate, I guess. But they can still be there 'silently'. Like, their ability to be mostly unseen is innate, I think. Maybe you'd just make the detailed arrangement openly with them today. But they are, like, naturally drawn to houses that 'feel homey' and seeing 'homey homes' that go unprotected by a kobold or whatever saddens them immensely. To you it'd be just leaving out a gift once in a while, and maybe your dirty dishes are done when you get home, but no more interaction than what you are comfortable with. They have their own lives too, after all."

"So, like, all the old folklore creatures are true, is basically what you're hinting?"

"Well, for the most part. Some stuff has been embellished or twisted by humans only seeing one side of the story, I guess. But yeah."

"In India they say one of their hindu gods walk openly among them - what about that?" Patrick shifts the conversation.

"I mean, to my knowledge they'd probably be an alf or vettir who build a legend in the past. All of the pantheons are - to my knowledge."

"But wouldn't that make her, like, immortal?"

"Uhh, some have found ways to stave off death, for a while, but I don't think true immortality is a thing," I reply, starting to be unsure how much this is a topic I should be talking about. "Anyway, what's it like, being human?" Another shared look.

"Probably a bit less exciting," Oliver chuckles.

"Oh come on! You can travel the world and live out in the open - I think that's exciting. I can't walk down the streets alone at night and feel safe

Related Characters

• Alea
• Zeldine

Related Locations

• Garden City