Plurfindurky
The Mad Game of the Ancients
On a wet afternoon in the midst of a muddy field outside an obscure village, thirty people struggle and slide in an ancient contest of physical sports, locked in fisticuffs verging on the brutal or else curled in fetal positions on the grass of the Plurfinpitch. A small but dedicated crowd is gathered around them, clutching the banners of their teams and screaming advice, two steps away from a mob. A metal object is suspended in the air among all the players, spinning slightly on an invisible current, flying this way and that in the telekenetic tug of different players' minds. There is a cry, the device slams into the face of an unlucky individual, there is a rousing shout of, "PENALTY!" and the thin crowd roars. Rival referees clash, penalties fly thick and fast, and the game goes on.
This is Plurfindurky, the Mad Game of the Ancients.
This is Plurfindurky, the Mad Game of the Ancients.
History
Of all the sports played over the eons of the Golden Ocean, none are so popular, or so grisly, as Plurfindurky, the Mad Game of the Ancients. Banned for several centuries under wiser kings in a desperate attempt to preserve the younger generation from complete annihilation, nobody ever actually stopped playing it, and under the overzealous hands of modern reformers with little to no historical education (specifically one infamous Admiral Brimwurt Winstuck, Jr., who is notable for not actually being an admiral), it has now been reborn with considerably less deadly rules (much to the anger and derision of its longstanding fans).
Execution
Plurfindurky is as much a game of the mind as it is the body, revolving around a certain enchanted device known as the Plurfindurkle. In Plurfindurky, two groups of fourteen individuals (known as Plurfinmisers) compete over possession of the Plurfindurkle, which can only be achieved through mental concentration. It is against the rules of Plurfindurky for any Plurfinmiser to touch the Plurfindurkle, and the magical device can only be controlled telekinetically by vividly imagining embarrassing memories to the exclusion of everything else.
While once upon a time in older ages there were opposing goals in Plurfindurky that the Plurfinmisers would attempt to telekinetically “hoosh” (that being the technical term) the Plurfindurkle into, inevitably the opposing teams of Plurfinmisers just wound up hurling the large, metal Plurfindurkle at each other, scoring their opponents penalties for touching it. Quickly, the goals were done away with entirely, and now, in Plurfindurky’s modern incarnation, teams simply compete to have the least number of penalties by the end of the game. To facilitate this, each team of Plurfinmisers gets a Plurfinpire (referee), who competes with the other team’s Plurfinpire to call as many penalties on the other team and generally abuse the rules as much as possible.
While it is pivotally against the rules for any Plurfinmiser to touch the Plurfindurkle, opposing teams of Plurfinmisers are entirely allowed to touch each other. The modern form of Plurfindurky devised by Admiral Winstuck and other such unhistorical blowhards differs from the traditional Mad Game of the Ancients primarily in that the Plurfinmisers are not allowed to carry weapons onto the Plurfinpitch (that being the name of the field of play), or to cause each other (what is vaguely defined in the rules as) “deadly harm”. The wearing of knuckledusters, metal-shod boots, and sharpened buttons is allowed as a fashion statement, however, so long as it is a part of a team’s official uniform.
In addition to the two teams of fourteen Plurfinmisers, modern games of Plurfindurky feature two Plurfindors, one to each team, whose entire directive is to “steal” as many attempted penalties as possible. This activity, known officially as Plurfindooring, involves intercepting an attempt to score the opposing team a penalty, thereby awarding the penalty to the Plurfindor rather than the targeted team. Each team’s Plurfindor is tasked with intercepting as many of their team’s penalty shots as possible, thereby hamstringing their ability to make the other team lose. To make things more fair, Plurfindors are given manacles to wear to impede these efforts. Plurfindors are not considered officially part of either team, but rather as a separate body at odds with both teams. In fact, if the Plurfindors collectively wind up with more penalties than either team, their goal being to collect rather than avoid penalties, the Plurfinpires will be forced to declare Plurfinruptcy. When this happens, everyone is declared to have lost, and the game of Plurfindurky condemned as a complete dud. Traditionally, in an incident of Plurfinruptcy, the Plurfinpires are bound by the rules to present the Plurfindors with a bottle of Yale’s Ale laid down in a year approved by the local Senior Plurfindurky Commission (Plurfinyboard), and the spectators throw a disappointed riot.
In its original, ancient form, a game of Plurfindurky ended when all the Plurfinmisers had collapsed from exhaustion (or been killed in pseudo-gladiatorial combat). In later centuries, after its official banning and subsequent boom in popularity, games often lasted until bad weather broke out and drove away the spectators. However, now, in its reincarnated form, a more (allegedly) hardcore culture has developed, and while deadly weapons are forbidden, playing in foul weather is now valued as an extra challenge, and does not signal the end of a game. Instead, the duration of games is based inversely on the size of the crowd (smaller crowds translating to longer games), factoring in the average number of penalties of each team (worse teams with more penalties being given more time to play, mostly because the Plurfindurky reformers are more or less sadists). This complex mathematical arrangement, famously devised by lead Plurfindurky advocate Admiral Winstuck, has lead to the most highly-attended Plurfindurky games lasting only a handful of minutes, and many games in general being abruptly cut short in the midst of very tense plays. This has lead many Plurfinpokers (that being the term for fans of Plurfindurky) to describe Plurfinmisers who make hairsbreadth escapes or victories (often on a technicality) as being “saved by the Admiral.” When questioned about his unusual method for determining the length of sports games, Admiral Winstuck defended his formulas as being an, “Innovative approach to a traditional contest of mind and body that has always been a proud part of our heritage.” In response, famous sports critic and Dreamwalker Cliven Ropt simply said, “I hope Mr. Winstuck never gets his hands on Wobbleball.”
While once upon a time in older ages there were opposing goals in Plurfindurky that the Plurfinmisers would attempt to telekinetically “hoosh” (that being the technical term) the Plurfindurkle into, inevitably the opposing teams of Plurfinmisers just wound up hurling the large, metal Plurfindurkle at each other, scoring their opponents penalties for touching it. Quickly, the goals were done away with entirely, and now, in Plurfindurky’s modern incarnation, teams simply compete to have the least number of penalties by the end of the game. To facilitate this, each team of Plurfinmisers gets a Plurfinpire (referee), who competes with the other team’s Plurfinpire to call as many penalties on the other team and generally abuse the rules as much as possible.
While it is pivotally against the rules for any Plurfinmiser to touch the Plurfindurkle, opposing teams of Plurfinmisers are entirely allowed to touch each other. The modern form of Plurfindurky devised by Admiral Winstuck and other such unhistorical blowhards differs from the traditional Mad Game of the Ancients primarily in that the Plurfinmisers are not allowed to carry weapons onto the Plurfinpitch (that being the name of the field of play), or to cause each other (what is vaguely defined in the rules as) “deadly harm”. The wearing of knuckledusters, metal-shod boots, and sharpened buttons is allowed as a fashion statement, however, so long as it is a part of a team’s official uniform.
In addition to the two teams of fourteen Plurfinmisers, modern games of Plurfindurky feature two Plurfindors, one to each team, whose entire directive is to “steal” as many attempted penalties as possible. This activity, known officially as Plurfindooring, involves intercepting an attempt to score the opposing team a penalty, thereby awarding the penalty to the Plurfindor rather than the targeted team. Each team’s Plurfindor is tasked with intercepting as many of their team’s penalty shots as possible, thereby hamstringing their ability to make the other team lose. To make things more fair, Plurfindors are given manacles to wear to impede these efforts. Plurfindors are not considered officially part of either team, but rather as a separate body at odds with both teams. In fact, if the Plurfindors collectively wind up with more penalties than either team, their goal being to collect rather than avoid penalties, the Plurfinpires will be forced to declare Plurfinruptcy. When this happens, everyone is declared to have lost, and the game of Plurfindurky condemned as a complete dud. Traditionally, in an incident of Plurfinruptcy, the Plurfinpires are bound by the rules to present the Plurfindors with a bottle of Yale’s Ale laid down in a year approved by the local Senior Plurfindurky Commission (Plurfinyboard), and the spectators throw a disappointed riot.
In its original, ancient form, a game of Plurfindurky ended when all the Plurfinmisers had collapsed from exhaustion (or been killed in pseudo-gladiatorial combat). In later centuries, after its official banning and subsequent boom in popularity, games often lasted until bad weather broke out and drove away the spectators. However, now, in its reincarnated form, a more (allegedly) hardcore culture has developed, and while deadly weapons are forbidden, playing in foul weather is now valued as an extra challenge, and does not signal the end of a game. Instead, the duration of games is based inversely on the size of the crowd (smaller crowds translating to longer games), factoring in the average number of penalties of each team (worse teams with more penalties being given more time to play, mostly because the Plurfindurky reformers are more or less sadists). This complex mathematical arrangement, famously devised by lead Plurfindurky advocate Admiral Winstuck, has lead to the most highly-attended Plurfindurky games lasting only a handful of minutes, and many games in general being abruptly cut short in the midst of very tense plays. This has lead many Plurfinpokers (that being the term for fans of Plurfindurky) to describe Plurfinmisers who make hairsbreadth escapes or victories (often on a technicality) as being “saved by the Admiral.” When questioned about his unusual method for determining the length of sports games, Admiral Winstuck defended his formulas as being an, “Innovative approach to a traditional contest of mind and body that has always been a proud part of our heritage.” In response, famous sports critic and Dreamwalker Cliven Ropt simply said, “I hope Mr. Winstuck never gets his hands on Wobbleball.”
Components and tools
The Plurfindurkle. Plurfindurky's deranged equivalent of a ball. Fashioned out of ornate metal, it resembles a cross between a pronged gyroscope and a metal top, but more drunk. Very painful when received in the face at high speeds.
The Plurfindooring Manacles. Manacles worn by the Plurfindors as a handicap to slow them down.
The Plurfindooring Manacles. Manacles worn by the Plurfindors as a handicap to slow them down.
Participants
Two teams, each composed of:
Fourteen Plurfinmisers, who manipulate the Plurfindurkle telekenetically by focusing on humiliating memories. They are forbidden to touch it physically, and spend most of their time telekentically "hooshing" it at opposing Plurfinmisers to score them penalties.
A Plurfindor, who tries to intercept as many of their own team's penalty shots as possible, effectively thwarting their efforts to make the opposing team score penalties. Not technically considered part of either team.
A Plurfinpire, who serves as a referee targeted solely at the other team and is tasked with calling as many penalties on them and generally abusing the rules as much as possible.
Fourteen Plurfinmisers, who manipulate the Plurfindurkle telekenetically by focusing on humiliating memories. They are forbidden to touch it physically, and spend most of their time telekentically "hooshing" it at opposing Plurfinmisers to score them penalties.
A Plurfindor, who tries to intercept as many of their own team's penalty shots as possible, effectively thwarting their efforts to make the opposing team score penalties. Not technically considered part of either team.
A Plurfinpire, who serves as a referee targeted solely at the other team and is tasked with calling as many penalties on them and generally abusing the rules as much as possible.
Observance
Plurfindurky is played widely throughout the Errant Archipelago, especially on the Isle of Hyphinfort. It is most commonly played in rural areas, owing to the rule of high attendance creating shorter games (as per Admiral Winstuck's end-of-game reformations), though cities do have their own Plurfindurky teams and leagues.
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