Entry 418
Cultural event
10/4
I wonder what it would take for me to take a day off, to just not be the King, just for a few hours. Instead, I had a full breakdown but still had to go to the meeting of the blood, coronation committee.
It started with what I thought would be a good day. Then I handed Rory his wallet. I dropped it and several bank notes fell out. It was the first time I've seen the real notes. I saw the proofs of course, but seeing the real thing seemed to trigger some terrible thing in me. I started shaking and crying. I don't know what I said but it worried Rory enough for him to run to get me an emergency dose of my anti-anxiety medication. It took a while to get myself under control and I would have very much preferred to go back to bed but I'm not allowed to.
Then came the meeting with Norfolk and the rest of the Coronation Committee. At first the meeting seemed like it was going tolerably. Then my full regnal titles were there on the page. "His Majesty Sebastian I Rex Imperator, King and Emperor, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the seas, King, Defender of the Faith." I didn't know how to deal with the weight of the whole thing, the reality of seeing it all laid out like that, my whole duty and life summed up in just my name. Thank God Anne and Rory wanted to attend the meeting. I was able to essentially deputize them. They continued the meeting while I made an excuse and left.
I ended up going to the White Drawing Room. I asked for a cup of tea to give me something to sooth my racing heart.
Before I got my tea, I feel asleep on the sofa.
When I woke up, my sister and Rory were sitting around me.
