Entry 357

Cultural event

Late last night Rory started messaging me about his anxiety for the expo. We did a face time call and he seemed calmer after.

The exposition went wonderfully and all the hard work that Rory pu in paid off. Grandpapa was clearly pleased. At the reception after, Rory told Grandpapa how much I'd helped him with. Apparently Grandpapa told Rory that I'm courting Lady Woolcott. That boring creature - I'd certainly choose someone with a bit more personality but I suppose the Firm has it's reasons. I don't even wish to think about that. It will be soon enough, I'm sure.

Anyway, Rory stormed off. He just disappeared. Anne thank God had seen him go and we followed. When we cornered Rory in the stables he exploded in rage. He accused me of using him and leading him on. In some ways I think he might be right. I know there can be no future. - and yet.

I couldn't speak to him, my whole make believe future seemed to be shattering and my heart felt like it was breaking.

Anne stepped closer to Rory and they spoke under their breaths. It was as if I was being kept out of their conversation intentionally, and I still didn't move. I was frozen and broken. Then something in their conversation shifted. Rory came running at me. He said he thought I'd been lying to him. I told him I couldn't. I don't know if that's true. It certainly was in that moment. We embraced then took time to compose ourselves before returning to the reception.

Indoors it was as if nothing had happened. The King informed Rory that he'd be running in the Anglesy Derby.

After, I asked Rory to come back to St. James's Palace. I asked him to stay.

We ended up getting take away and being teasing and playful. I could almost believe that this could become a future. God, I wish.

We moved up to my bedroom and Rory is in the shower now. I'm sure it will be fun when he gets out but I know that the truth is that this is now the limit of what this relationship - if it can be called even that... Though I know it cannot be. The simple truth is Rory and my future is limited to this, flirtatious suppers, occasional overnights and this tension charged friendship. I yearn for more. I want more.

I feel like I have a piece of music for him, but it can only be expressed in this reality in the minor key.

I fear what my feelings are becoming.