General Summary
Day 290
That first conversation with Magdalena lasted long into the night. Fortunately Andstella and I were both wakeful.
She told me more about the Ingans - that they are rooted in the core of the planet and truly eliminating them would mean killing the planet itself. The creatures that I’ve seen are not necessarily individuals but rather tendrils of consciousness pulled from the greater whole. The larger they are, the smarter and more determined, more willful. In fact, they embody will itself and this makes them the greatest threat to the Dreaming. Anything can exert its will on the Dreaming if only they are strong enough. But she tells me they were severed from the Dreaming to prevent this. When? By whom? The conversation has already moved on.
The Collective, she tells me, worships one Ingan in particular - the largest one currently active on the surface. It is confined to an island far across the Eastern sea and beyond. That is the sort of thing we might be able to destroy with enough effort and will...but the location is sacred and well-defended. Magdalena theorizes about pouring the sea itself into the island or burying it deep and forcing the Ingan back down again. I think about striding deep into Collective territory to slaughter Shakshakshafah. I would have to go even deeper to get to this island and it’s not something I would do alone. Thoughts for later.
Day 291
I give Magdalena a tour of the settlement we’ve constructed and the reactions of our fae comrades are not uniform. The Vanguard is delighted by her, and why wouldn’t they be? She has brought them to life again. The fae of seasons find her unsettling; I can’t blame them.
We spend the rest of the day working with Alder, who is only moderately unsettled to have her read him like an open book - assassin, baker, devotee of the Empress, would-be shadow mage.
“What is the Empress to you?” she asks, and he says that she is safety, security, purpose, comfort, and strength.
It’s the answer I knew he would give, similar to my own in different words.
She is a bowstring to me, pushing me forwards. A favoured blanket at night when nightmares creep in and I need a moment of silence so I can keep going. But strength? I think the shard of the Empress that I carry has become the strength, not the Empress who remains on the other side of the Barrier. Or more accurately, the strength doesn’t come from either of them anymore. It’s mine, and I think sometimes I might be lending it to her too.
But this is Alder’s time, and Magdalena continues to speak - the shadow magic gifted to the elves is not inherent to the Empress, just one of the things she is good at. She cannot be Alder’s gateway to greater shadow magic because it is not hers to begin with. The wizard Heiassa who lives in my mind perks up and asks who is the originator of shadow magic and how might I inquire about an apprenticeship for my student? Another reason to ask after this dragon, Darkness.
Alder is unsettled at the idea of decoupling this magic from the Empress. Everything we have done so far envisions her guiding him through shadows to his destination but now he will have to walk alone. Not standing in her shadow, but his own. He flinches at the idea of standing beside the Empress and I remind him of all the times he’s darted ahead of me or guarded my side. Still in service, just repositioned. At Magdalena’s advice I give him a token to hold onto while he undergoes whatever she has planned - the soft, worn glove of my field uniform.
Despite Magdalena’s solemn warnings about the strength he will need to endure the pain of this unlocking experience, neither of us are prepared for what it entails. She banishes all the shadows from around him and orders him not to reach for them, not to flee. Each time he falls to his knees, knuckles white with pain, and she tells him to rise again. My own nails prick my skin in sympathy watching the blinding light radiate out of him, making him look like those awful radiant monsters that we’ve killed so many times, but I am unharmed in a soft twilight glow. Finally under Magdalena’s guidance he’s able to begin drawing shadows out of nothingness, cloaking himself in tendrils of darkness that he forces into being from thin air. But then he emerges, draped in a literal cloak of shadow.
Released from my status as a bystander I crush him in a hug, feeling him tremble like a leaf on the breeze. I leave him to rest with some pastries and Miriam’s company.
And again at dusk Magdalena and I ascend the ziggurat to speak, this time alone, this time about the inevitable death of everyone we know. It’s a remarkably matter-of-fact conversation and I would expect nothing less.
Under normal circumstances the fae of day and night will live 500-1000 years, an appropriate lifespan for a race intended to live alongside elves. Andstella is nearly treeborn; she might live threefold whatever their normal lifespan is.
The question of my own mortality is still not quite answerable. It is clear that I will outlive everyone around me. So what will I be afterwards? When Mistress dies first, and then Doraal, then each of the others in succession (and Magdalena does name them all), what then? She offers some suggestions with the ease of someone who must have considered each option for herself at one point - I could be a barrier against the Ingans for as long as I want. None could get through me and I could keep the Empire safe for as long as I need. I could join the Empress and oversee the Empire with her. When she is ready to leave, I could take her place. I could travel and learn and teach the way Magdalena has.
The two comforts she offers me feel like the burn of my dagger when I draw blood to cast. Anyone Undying can choose to stop whenever they wish. An existence need not truly last forever if I don’t want it. And I will never be the one to leave my people. I will be there to say goodbye to them, to hold their hand and ease them into their passing. Probably only the last person (Hella?) would feel as much pain as I do at their passing.
I clearly have a whole new avenue of things to learn about from Magdalena - how to be Undying. The first thing she offers to teach is how to slip between being an elf and fae the way she does. It will take years to learn but I imagine it’s an important skill for someone who lives forever...
Comments