Angry Husbands

A raucus song of sexual adventures across the world, Angry Husbands has become one of the more popular songs with the bardic set, particularly among the nautically inclined

Historical Details

History

The song originates from the Bard's College of Freeport, in Linthalia. It was, surprisingly, an early student who had written it very early in his career. The halfling, Hilthe Casthita, had Ironically never left Linthalian’s shores up that point in his life. Having traveled locally from different ports and listening to the Sailors and their stories, he knew enough of the reputations of different parts of the world.
Hilthe presented it to his class, and while his classmates appreciated the humor and novelty, his snobbish elvish professor chastised him for it, and nearly threw him out for it. Although he would not repeat the song on college grounds, he played it publicly and taught it to his fellow bards, to great acclaim.

Public Reaction

The song has become exceptionally popular from the moment it was written. The ship crews that Hilthe listened to for his inspiration especially have enjoyed the crass humor. Having learned the song themselves, they took the song to sea, playing it over the long voyages. They would in turn play the songs in their home ports, teaching it to others, and enabling the song to quickly travel the world.
It was realized that the song was easily alterable, with different performers altering the names of women and countries in order to satisfy the tastes and preconceptions of the audience, who are often less globally aware as the Linthalians.

Legacy

Although the common audience has forgotten that Hilthe wrote the song, they are familiar with other stories of him as a person. Although he had never left his country of birth when the song was written, he would tour the world as a legendary bard, hero, and seducer. It’s been said that he’s dipped himself in the waters of every port he’s visited, to use a euphemistic phrase, including in more than a few noble baths. Legends of his heroic exploits and “conquests” spread about, giving inspiration to juvenile Halflings, goblings, and Dwarves alike that they too could woo the Big Folk, with the right skills and charm.
Having come full circle, the song is so popular, while rudimentary in it’s instrumentation and structure, that it is now taught in many Bard Colleges across T’sara, including in Freeport.
Although it can still be easily performed solo, it has become common for multiple performers to conduct the song, with each contributing a verse. Some will even add in structured banter to add to the comedic effect.

Read the Document

Angry Husbands

This is the song as it was originally written by Hilthe, though variations can be found in all pockets of the world
I love the port of Roclif, where my sweet Rayna waits,
She’s always there to welcome me, and open up her gates,
I can’t wait for me shore leave… and to roll her in the sack,
There’s just one thing that troubles me, when her husband comes back,
He's a blacksmith with a hammer and a tub of hot nails.
Always after innocent young men like me once sails
don’t like my explanation, and keeping warm his wife,
he'll bend me my like a horsehshoe, and than take out a knife!

Oh Run run run you sailor lads, while you’re out to town
There’s always angry husbands trying hard to keep you down
They’ll black your eyes, they’ll knock your teeth, your boots and clothes they’ll tear
They’ve got the sweetest treats in down, and they don’t like to share

I love the port of Dobeth, with Maria by the docks
She waits for me with nothing on, except those curly locks
her throat purrs like a kitten, as she stretches on the floor,
when her huband Ferghus’ hairy fist comes through the door,
He's a woodsman with a choppin axe, he uses full to hack,
as splinters fly across the room, I slip out the back
I never know when he’ll be home, I have to take the chance
For if he got a hold of me, he’d chop me in the pants

Oh Run run run you sailor lads, while you’re out to town
There’s always angry husbands trying hard to keep you down
They’ll black your eyes, they’ll knock your teeth, your boots and clothes they’ll tear
They’ve got the sweetest treats in down, and they don’t like to share

I love the port of Kalle, where Gilde wait’s for me
Always there to show a sailor hospitality
When we get back to her place, all night to Gods she prays
Female voice: Oh Gods
Male voice, disgruntled: Oh, Gods!
I’m praying to leder work her big mean husband stays,
He's a butcher with a temper, most skilled at choppin meat,
When I see him comin home, I head back down the street
For if he caught me with his wife, a woman most divine,
The only sausage missing in the village would be mine!

Oh Run run run you sailor lads, while you’re out to town
There’s always angry husbands trying hard to keep you down
They’ll black your eyes, they’ll knock your teeth, your boots and clothes they’ll tear
They’ve got the sweetest treats in down, and they don’t like to share

I love the port of Demante, where Thelia waives her skirt
A lovely Elven lady, who knows just how to flirt,
she knows all sorts of dance moves, that all end up in bed,
But if her husband catches me, I’ve seven ways of dead,
He's a hunter with a longbow, weapons traps and snares,
The kind of man who wrestles boars, fights bulls and baits bears,
If hidden in his hen house, he finds this hungry fox,
He'ls switch from hunting game hens, to hunting randy cocks,

Oh Run run run you sailor lads, while you’re out to town
There’s always angry husbands trying hard to keep you down
They’ll black your eyes, they’ll knock your teeth, your boots and clothes they’ll tear
They’ve got the sweetest treats in down, and they don’t like to share

I love the port of Terino, where Qualen makes her home,
She’ll do it in the fountain, or on the steps of Thome,
She’s wild like a tiger, with a wild appetite,
but her husbands a gorilla, nearly ninety feet in height
An Orcish executioner, who’d put you in a hearse
to meet him an alley’s bad, but in his bedroom’s worse,
When Qualen says it’s time to go, I surely never stop,
Cause first he’ll chop my head off, than he’ll chop my head offfff…

Oooohhh…
Oh Run run run you sailor lads, while you’re out to town
There’s always angry husbands trying hard to keep you down
They’ll black your eyes, they’ll knock your teeth, your boots and clothes they’ll tear
They’ve got the sweetest treats in down, and they don’t like to share


Oh Run run run you sailor lads, while you’re out to town
There’s always angry husbands trying hard to keep you down
They’ll black your eyes, they’ll knock your teeth, your boots and clothes they’ll tear
They’ve got the sweetest treats in down, and they don’t like to share

They’ve got the sweetest treats in down, and they don’t like to share……

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Authors

• Hilthe Casthita