Session 9: From Landsharks to Failed Tests to Our $%&@ing Parents
General Summary
So here we are in what is supposed to be the school's relaxing spa fighting a land shark - Skoldreg says it's actually a bullette, but it looks like a landshark to me. The landshark tried to bite Skoldreg but failed miserably. Idiot. Night sang a song from a musical to inspire me, and it definitely worked. I rushed as far from the bulette as I could get and fired off my seeking orb and I followed it up with a fire bolt, because giant landsharks should not exist. But this MF shark jumped out of the pool and up onto one of the lounge chairs where Cillian was sitting and mauled the hell out of him. Cillian retaliated by casting inflict wounds and wrecking that shit dumpster fart shark.
I had had it with this MF shark by this point, so I took Night's inspiration and sang the same song in the native Shadowfell way. It was horrific, because you know, everything in the Shadowfell is awful and the bulette died from the horror. Cillian said something about not going back to hell and proceeded to stomp the hell out of it's corpse. Fair, but I don't know what that hell comment is about.
With the bulette dead we decided to try to plug the hole in the pool. Skoldreg and I tediously and repeatedly cast mending on the big gaping hole. Heh. Finally we got it plugged and then everyone started complaining about the corpse in the room and how it ruined the vibe. To be honest, I found it kind of relaxing. Skoldreg proceeded to harvest parts from the dead shit shark, and during that time I started writing a story called the rock hard shark and the gaping hole. Everyone rested, but Skoldreg and I didn't want to get in the water. The steam alone was giving me some issues with my hair. Hair color started running all down my face and I'm pretty sure some of my friends, at least Cathia, saw my shimmery pink natural hair showing through. I ran off to the storage room to try to clean myself up. Clearly, I am not going to get in that water.
After the spa we went back to our bar to study. Skoldreg studied owlbear poop. Cathia studied the history of owlbears in Exandria. I studied owlbears' aggressive behavior tried acting it all out in my LARPing gear. Night wrote a song about owlbears. We also had some notes indicating that owlbears may be used in a future production at the rose stage festival. I told everyone that fesitvals are horrifying experiences with death, dismemberment, humanoid sacrifice, demons, and blood drinking. Skoldreg says the Shadowfell is a special place. He has a weird definition of special. Cillian says festivals are for orgies and drinking. That happens in the Shadowfell too... with all of the other stuff. Regardless we decide to go - we may learn something... even if it kills us.
It's test day now. We had an multiple choice section about owlbear disposition and habits and an essay portion about companion owlbears. Both parts sucked. Night passed with flying colors because she's smart. Cillian struggled with the exam and failed. Cathia and Skoldreg both aced the exam. Seeing Cillian fail and knowing he's smarter than me, I had a panic attack about failing and decided to cheat. It went about the way things always go for me. I got busted and failed. That dick ass teacher asked me if I was going to pass anything this semester. I told her I would pass gas in her face. That earned the group a 10 point penalty. We're still winning though, so screw 'em.
With the trauma of the test behind us we decided to go have a drink. At the bar, some of the other students were talking about family weekend coming up next weekend. None of us are too sure our families are going to show up or that we want them to. But we prepared for them just the same. Night tidied everything up. Cathia seemed a little nervous. I bought a ridiculous glittery pink leather outfit to try to scandalize my parents. If they even show.
Finally, family weekend rolls around and of course there was some sort of jam at the portal meaning none of the families were coming through. Skoldreg had been talking so much about his whole clan coming for the weekend and what a big clan it was, so I figured it was just his clan jamming up the portal. But everyone else thought that seemed unlikely and because, for some reason, a bunch of first year students have to keep bailing out adult professionals, we decided to go check out the problem and see if we could fix it.
It looked like the main portal was open to Eiselcross. Skoldreg made some observations about how that type of portal worked and that sometimes when the runes in portals like this are askew like the portals send people to the wrong place - including even the nine hells! As we were checking out the portals, we started to hear weird voices. It was not pleasant. One of them told me I was a disgrace to the school and I should die. Fuck that guy. Before we had too much time to get used the new voices in our heads, some weird eyeball looking guys started coming out of the portals in the hallways. One popped up right in front of Night. I immediately fired a firebolt at it and burned one of his many eyes and then Night followed up by stabbing it right in it's big eye. Another eye fucker popped up in one of the other halls and started shooting some beams out of one of it's extra eyes toward Cathia - knocking her all the hell the way across the room. The same thing happened down another hallway with Skoldreg's mechapussy. What the fuck is going on with this fucking school? I mean I'm serious. They have the audacity to fail me and Cillian, but their asses can't even keep a bunch of deadly ass shit from rolling in and nearly murdering like every other day and we have to bail their asses out... every damn time. What a scam.
Annnyway, these eye bastards were relentless. Next thing we knew, Night got completely dazed by one. Cathia tried to fire a firebolt at the one closest to her but the bolt went through the portal instead setting a tree on fire in Eiselcross. Skoldreg slammed one of them with his hammer. I decided it was time for action, so I flew straight up to the one near Night and tried to thunder punch him, but I did the same thing and punched through the damn portal hitting a farmer in the face. Oops. Between that and the damn voices coming out of the portal, I was all flustered and told the eye creature he looked stupid with all those eyes. It was not my best attempt at mockery.
Night opened up that bag of tricks of hers and out popped a ginormous elk. It seemed like it was going to be badass, but he ended up biting the same farmer through the portal and not the eye guy. It also turns out he's too big to even leave the hallway. Lame. While we were all busy gawking at this giant elk, Cillian got thrown by one of the eye guys. And then they immediately just started trying to freeze us out, casting frost rays at Skoldreg and his mechapussy. Cathia tried again with her firebolt, turning the eye guy next to Night and me into ash. Things seemed to be turning around at this point, as Cillian followed straight up with an eldritch blast that completely splatterated one of the others.
Skoldreg was feeling pretty beat up by this point and healed himself. Mechapussy got a good swipe in at the eye-douche in front of him. I flew down behind Skoldreg and blasted the same eye bastard with a chaos bolt. Night rushed back into the central room and shot the last remaining eye wanker with her crossbow. Seemed like we had saved the damn day yet again, but no. Those creepy ass voices started up again. I don't know what they were saying to everyone else, but Night was visibly sickened by whatever was going on with her.
Suddenly a giant eyeball on legs appeared and tried to be intimidating. I called him a pencil dick and welcomed him to family weekend by busting him in the gut with a thunder orb. Night started singing about how much she "hates that fucking eyeball" and it was pretty hilarious. While he was distracted by our laughter, Cathia popped him one with a forzen orb, instantly freezing and then shattering Mr. Eye-Legs-Dude. We were quick to loot his body and found a book called how to train your familiar and one on using cauldrons. We could add them to our bar's library! We also found a weird leather glove, sealed at the wrist and full of liquid. Night says it's a tool for masturbation. I'll work that into a story at some point.
Anyway, we didn't get too much time to check out the books or sex toy, because the portals seemed to be working now. Skoldreg's parents showed up first. His mom looks like a badass boss lady, and his dad looks like he'll probably sign up for Dominique's drug muffin of the week club. His mom almost immediately started being a nag and asking why he wasn't making any money. Moms, man. Then his dad started beard shaming him. I don't have a beard or anything, but I felt that hurt. My dad always shits on the way I look. I mean, I know, I don't look anything like them or the Shadowfell - they're all colorless and depressing with claws and leathery wings - while I'm all tiny and colorful with curly toes and translucent wings. But it's not my fault. I mean they're my parents. They should blame themselves if they don't like how I look. Well, anyway, that was a huge emo tangent. Back to Skoldreg, his mom is now being all condescending about his dad's music. It's kind of awkward and I feel like maybe this should not all be happening in front of everyone. Families, ugh.
My beautiful family came through next. Dad came through in his full Shadowfell military get up. As if he didn't look ridiculous enough being 7 feet tall and gaunt and gray and clawy and leathery and bald. I feel like they just like to cause a spectacle. At least it looks like Mom tried to fix the six nasty hairs on her head before coming to visit. They both immediately started talking shit and telling me what a giant disappointment I am. They mockingly asked me how my tests went and I told them I was doing fucking great. I think they bought it because Mom started muttering about how I was never a good student back at prep school and what a big turn around this is. So just to really piss them off I told her that's because the teachers at Our Lord of the Rotting Tower were terrible, especially Mrs. Grimsbane. She decided then it was appropriate to physically abuse me then and start dragging me around by the ear. Around that time, one of my friends started making rainbows appear over Dad's head. It was hilarious. Mom accused me of it. I told her it wasn't me but then I made flowers grow on Dad's horns. Dad threatened to bring Necrosis here - which is pretty fucked up when you consider that it would kill him to be in the natural light. I'm over it at this point and start trying to fly away but my damn mother still has ahold of my ear.
Night's parents showed up next. They were naked and I still can't get used to that. They brought her a care package. How sweet. She asked where her sister was and they said she was out hunting. Her parents seemed a little weirded out by the crowds and asked night to take them somewhere more chill and private. Night offered them some bullette meat and they thought that sounded good. It must be nice to have a nice family.
Next through the portal was Cathia's parents. They both were tall and pale and looked kind of like her and were dressed very nice. They seemed super quiet and bashful. Her dad started asking about work and supplying plants - Is...is he a drug dealer? Because if so, I need to go chat him up. I could compare his wares with Dominque's. For science. I think this science experiment is how I will get my extra credit to get back into my extra curriculars. Cathia's mom started harassing her about having a boyfriend and was kind of slut shaming her. If my mom didn't have my ear all pinched up I'd fly over there and pretend to be Cathia's terrifying Shadowfell girlfriend and really scandalize them. I messaged Cathia and asked if she wanted me to come over and do that if mom ever lets go of my ear. She said yes. This will be fun. If Mom ever gives it a rest. We'll see.
Xoxo, Dahlia
I had had it with this MF shark by this point, so I took Night's inspiration and sang the same song in the native Shadowfell way. It was horrific, because you know, everything in the Shadowfell is awful and the bulette died from the horror. Cillian said something about not going back to hell and proceeded to stomp the hell out of it's corpse. Fair, but I don't know what that hell comment is about.
With the bulette dead we decided to try to plug the hole in the pool. Skoldreg and I tediously and repeatedly cast mending on the big gaping hole. Heh. Finally we got it plugged and then everyone started complaining about the corpse in the room and how it ruined the vibe. To be honest, I found it kind of relaxing. Skoldreg proceeded to harvest parts from the dead shit shark, and during that time I started writing a story called the rock hard shark and the gaping hole. Everyone rested, but Skoldreg and I didn't want to get in the water. The steam alone was giving me some issues with my hair. Hair color started running all down my face and I'm pretty sure some of my friends, at least Cathia, saw my shimmery pink natural hair showing through. I ran off to the storage room to try to clean myself up. Clearly, I am not going to get in that water.
After the spa we went back to our bar to study. Skoldreg studied owlbear poop. Cathia studied the history of owlbears in Exandria. I studied owlbears' aggressive behavior tried acting it all out in my LARPing gear. Night wrote a song about owlbears. We also had some notes indicating that owlbears may be used in a future production at the rose stage festival. I told everyone that fesitvals are horrifying experiences with death, dismemberment, humanoid sacrifice, demons, and blood drinking. Skoldreg says the Shadowfell is a special place. He has a weird definition of special. Cillian says festivals are for orgies and drinking. That happens in the Shadowfell too... with all of the other stuff. Regardless we decide to go - we may learn something... even if it kills us.
It's test day now. We had an multiple choice section about owlbear disposition and habits and an essay portion about companion owlbears. Both parts sucked. Night passed with flying colors because she's smart. Cillian struggled with the exam and failed. Cathia and Skoldreg both aced the exam. Seeing Cillian fail and knowing he's smarter than me, I had a panic attack about failing and decided to cheat. It went about the way things always go for me. I got busted and failed. That dick ass teacher asked me if I was going to pass anything this semester. I told her I would pass gas in her face. That earned the group a 10 point penalty. We're still winning though, so screw 'em.
With the trauma of the test behind us we decided to go have a drink. At the bar, some of the other students were talking about family weekend coming up next weekend. None of us are too sure our families are going to show up or that we want them to. But we prepared for them just the same. Night tidied everything up. Cathia seemed a little nervous. I bought a ridiculous glittery pink leather outfit to try to scandalize my parents. If they even show.
Finally, family weekend rolls around and of course there was some sort of jam at the portal meaning none of the families were coming through. Skoldreg had been talking so much about his whole clan coming for the weekend and what a big clan it was, so I figured it was just his clan jamming up the portal. But everyone else thought that seemed unlikely and because, for some reason, a bunch of first year students have to keep bailing out adult professionals, we decided to go check out the problem and see if we could fix it.
It looked like the main portal was open to Eiselcross. Skoldreg made some observations about how that type of portal worked and that sometimes when the runes in portals like this are askew like the portals send people to the wrong place - including even the nine hells! As we were checking out the portals, we started to hear weird voices. It was not pleasant. One of them told me I was a disgrace to the school and I should die. Fuck that guy. Before we had too much time to get used the new voices in our heads, some weird eyeball looking guys started coming out of the portals in the hallways. One popped up right in front of Night. I immediately fired a firebolt at it and burned one of his many eyes and then Night followed up by stabbing it right in it's big eye. Another eye fucker popped up in one of the other halls and started shooting some beams out of one of it's extra eyes toward Cathia - knocking her all the hell the way across the room. The same thing happened down another hallway with Skoldreg's mechapussy. What the fuck is going on with this fucking school? I mean I'm serious. They have the audacity to fail me and Cillian, but their asses can't even keep a bunch of deadly ass shit from rolling in and nearly murdering like every other day and we have to bail their asses out... every damn time. What a scam.
Annnyway, these eye bastards were relentless. Next thing we knew, Night got completely dazed by one. Cathia tried to fire a firebolt at the one closest to her but the bolt went through the portal instead setting a tree on fire in Eiselcross. Skoldreg slammed one of them with his hammer. I decided it was time for action, so I flew straight up to the one near Night and tried to thunder punch him, but I did the same thing and punched through the damn portal hitting a farmer in the face. Oops. Between that and the damn voices coming out of the portal, I was all flustered and told the eye creature he looked stupid with all those eyes. It was not my best attempt at mockery.
Night opened up that bag of tricks of hers and out popped a ginormous elk. It seemed like it was going to be badass, but he ended up biting the same farmer through the portal and not the eye guy. It also turns out he's too big to even leave the hallway. Lame. While we were all busy gawking at this giant elk, Cillian got thrown by one of the eye guys. And then they immediately just started trying to freeze us out, casting frost rays at Skoldreg and his mechapussy. Cathia tried again with her firebolt, turning the eye guy next to Night and me into ash. Things seemed to be turning around at this point, as Cillian followed straight up with an eldritch blast that completely splatterated one of the others.
Skoldreg was feeling pretty beat up by this point and healed himself. Mechapussy got a good swipe in at the eye-douche in front of him. I flew down behind Skoldreg and blasted the same eye bastard with a chaos bolt. Night rushed back into the central room and shot the last remaining eye wanker with her crossbow. Seemed like we had saved the damn day yet again, but no. Those creepy ass voices started up again. I don't know what they were saying to everyone else, but Night was visibly sickened by whatever was going on with her.
Suddenly a giant eyeball on legs appeared and tried to be intimidating. I called him a pencil dick and welcomed him to family weekend by busting him in the gut with a thunder orb. Night started singing about how much she "hates that fucking eyeball" and it was pretty hilarious. While he was distracted by our laughter, Cathia popped him one with a forzen orb, instantly freezing and then shattering Mr. Eye-Legs-Dude. We were quick to loot his body and found a book called how to train your familiar and one on using cauldrons. We could add them to our bar's library! We also found a weird leather glove, sealed at the wrist and full of liquid. Night says it's a tool for masturbation. I'll work that into a story at some point.
Anyway, we didn't get too much time to check out the books or sex toy, because the portals seemed to be working now. Skoldreg's parents showed up first. His mom looks like a badass boss lady, and his dad looks like he'll probably sign up for Dominique's drug muffin of the week club. His mom almost immediately started being a nag and asking why he wasn't making any money. Moms, man. Then his dad started beard shaming him. I don't have a beard or anything, but I felt that hurt. My dad always shits on the way I look. I mean, I know, I don't look anything like them or the Shadowfell - they're all colorless and depressing with claws and leathery wings - while I'm all tiny and colorful with curly toes and translucent wings. But it's not my fault. I mean they're my parents. They should blame themselves if they don't like how I look. Well, anyway, that was a huge emo tangent. Back to Skoldreg, his mom is now being all condescending about his dad's music. It's kind of awkward and I feel like maybe this should not all be happening in front of everyone. Families, ugh.
My beautiful family came through next. Dad came through in his full Shadowfell military get up. As if he didn't look ridiculous enough being 7 feet tall and gaunt and gray and clawy and leathery and bald. I feel like they just like to cause a spectacle. At least it looks like Mom tried to fix the six nasty hairs on her head before coming to visit. They both immediately started talking shit and telling me what a giant disappointment I am. They mockingly asked me how my tests went and I told them I was doing fucking great. I think they bought it because Mom started muttering about how I was never a good student back at prep school and what a big turn around this is. So just to really piss them off I told her that's because the teachers at Our Lord of the Rotting Tower were terrible, especially Mrs. Grimsbane. She decided then it was appropriate to physically abuse me then and start dragging me around by the ear. Around that time, one of my friends started making rainbows appear over Dad's head. It was hilarious. Mom accused me of it. I told her it wasn't me but then I made flowers grow on Dad's horns. Dad threatened to bring Necrosis here - which is pretty fucked up when you consider that it would kill him to be in the natural light. I'm over it at this point and start trying to fly away but my damn mother still has ahold of my ear.
Night's parents showed up next. They were naked and I still can't get used to that. They brought her a care package. How sweet. She asked where her sister was and they said she was out hunting. Her parents seemed a little weirded out by the crowds and asked night to take them somewhere more chill and private. Night offered them some bullette meat and they thought that sounded good. It must be nice to have a nice family.
Next through the portal was Cathia's parents. They both were tall and pale and looked kind of like her and were dressed very nice. They seemed super quiet and bashful. Her dad started asking about work and supplying plants - Is...is he a drug dealer? Because if so, I need to go chat him up. I could compare his wares with Dominque's. For science. I think this science experiment is how I will get my extra credit to get back into my extra curriculars. Cathia's mom started harassing her about having a boyfriend and was kind of slut shaming her. If my mom didn't have my ear all pinched up I'd fly over there and pretend to be Cathia's terrifying Shadowfell girlfriend and really scandalize them. I messaged Cathia and asked if she wanted me to come over and do that if mom ever lets go of my ear. She said yes. This will be fun. If Mom ever gives it a rest. We'll see.
Xoxo, Dahlia
Rewards Granted
Book:How to Train Your Familiar
Leather glove - sealed at the wrist and full of liquid - night says it's a tool for masturbation. I'll work that into a story at some point.
Book on cauldron use
Leather glove - sealed at the wrist and full of liquid - night says it's a tool for masturbation. I'll work that into a story at some point.
Book on cauldron use
Mission: Survive the spa and then family weekend
Location: Strixhaven Campus
In Game Date: ????
Location: Strixhaven Campus
In Game Date: ????
Report Date
05 Jul 2022
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