Session 15: Happy Jack's Weirdo-House
General Summary
Okay, so we are at this creepy-ass funhouse that may or may not be some sort of sex cult. We are standing in the entrance of Happy Jack's funhouse. We did not die on the rolly coastie, so that's something, I guess. This place is creepy. A hippo popped up to greet us holding a sign saying "Welcome to Happy Jacks," but it was a shithead hippo who ate Randy. We tried to go in several maintenance and employee entrances because barging through the front door seemed dumb. It did not work out. We found some random doo-dads, but not the way to go.
Cillian resummoned Randy and decided to send the newly resummoned Randy to check out some of the other areas we were too large to get into. We really did not want to go in the main door. Randy picked up some more junk and came back. It was clear we needed to go through the main entrance. We did, and Skoldreg said something about hearing the organ grinding song, I thought I should come in and do some more research for my organ grinding story and I found that Skoldreg had passed out. Since my story isn't about roofies, book research wasn't going to happen. So, I healed Skoldreg and we moved forward, but whatever fucked Skoldreg up doesn't seem to be happening to me. We all moved in cautiously.
Inside, Skoldreg came up on a dead construct. Inside it's little mechanical guts, he found some strong solvent, which he bottled up and took. We kept going and he was charged by a not dead construct, who just slashed the shit out of him like some sort of murdery jack in the box. Next we had to move across a pit with slippery ladders. I just flew over. Cillian tried hopping, it was a struggle but he made it. Cathia and Night That Eats Stars went next. Cathia did just fine, but Night fell, which is kind of surprising because I thought Tabaxi were all acrobatic and stuff.
Finally across the slippery ladder pit, we came across a peloton instructor biking away behind some grass. It was super weird. Skoldred sexually harassed her. She looked confused and got kinda snarky with us, which I guess is understandable because of the sexual harassment. A couple of us tried to convince her to stop obsessively peddling, because honestly I'm kind of concerned for her mental health. She started fighting us after that and when she got off the bike to attack us, all of the lights in this place went out and the twisty tunnel hallways off of this room stopped spinning. I insulted her fucking face, and she cried about it. Skoldreg bludgeoned her in the face. And then some random overweight pirate looking guy came charging in. Night magically suggested she get back on her bike and leave us alone. She bought it and got back on the bike. If she wants to bike herself to death that's not our problem.
We focused on the chubby pirate, Thallon, then. Cathia and I both magically blasted him, but he headbutted Cathia and ran away. Skoldreg, Randy, Cathia, and Mechapussy all mauled the hell out of him as he bounced away - he bounced into the air as an obese goblin with delusions of being a pirate and he hit the ground as a corpse. And all the while Minerva just kept peddling. We looted Thallon's body and got a necklace made of crocodile teeth and some berries. We moved down one of the twisty hallways that was back being twisty again since Minerva was back on the bike. At the end of one of them, we found a big ass slide and Skoldreg just charged down it. At the bottom of the slide was a gross wounding tumor looking thing. It was kind of shaped like a penis.
We inched around the dick tumor and opened a doorway. Inside we found a creepy looking stitched together cephalopod type thing with needle hands. It looked like it could fuck you up and we happened to find it sleeping, so we decided to burn it while it slept. We coordinated a big attack against it but it wasn't enough to kill it. It rushed down the hallway twisting and contorting it's gigantic shape down the hallway. He swiped at Skoldreg and Cathia and I tried to distract him. It helped enough for us to rally and get him the rest of the way down.
We entered another room that was filled with string and yarn. Night started gathering it up into a ball. We went further to find a recipe tome - which had recipes we could use for making cool magic stuff - but we had to turn the objects into the stitchling creature that we had just killed. That sucked. But I mean he totally looked like a murder octopus, so like we had no choice. I suggested someone necromancy him back to life, but apparently that is a bad idea. Plus none of us know how to do it anyway. We went back around the gross tumor thing and down the other hallway. There we found a door labeled petting zoo and it looked like certain death, so we turned around and went the other way.
There we ran into a racist human kid with a bit of an attitude. Cillian pointed out she was probably a dick because of trauma so we let it slide. She said she had been ostracized by Happy Jack who said she wasn't fun. She said she could help us find Happy Jack. We followed her to Happy Jack's room where we had to write down a fantasy and put it into a letterbox. Night wrote down something about yarn. I wrote down some very sexy stuff about rope. I don't know what everyone else wrote, because as soon as Night put her fantasy in the box, a giant portal opened. I stuffed my fantasy in my bra - I'll give it to unseen boyfriend at some point - and we all hopped through the portal. But of course the first thing we saw was an evil looking clown and some kids around a magic tree.
He started giving us some bullshit about how he was saving the kids because families were awful. It's clear this guy has been through some shit, but he was holding a bloody meat cleaver, so he obviously isn't saving anyone. We tried telling him about how Sallie, the racist kid from upstairs, was super unhappy and how he had made things worse for her and I tried to tell him about how some families were bad but you could find your own family but it was apparent he was irredeemable. Cillian tried to surreptitiously hit him with an eldritch blast while I tried to talk Jack out of his bullshit, but Jack noticed and we started battling it out. His first move was to eat a kid and then drop a bunch of giant fucking candy from the sky which landed on Night, and she fucking let him have it in return. Skoldreg beat the hell out of Jack, I blasted his face with an orb, and Cillian sent Randy to absolutely rip Jack's throat out.
Night took the kids away and sang to them, while we tried to cut Jack open and save the kid he ate. It didn't work, but at least it looks like we're going to get some of these kids out of here.
Xoxo,
Dahlia
Cillian resummoned Randy and decided to send the newly resummoned Randy to check out some of the other areas we were too large to get into. We really did not want to go in the main door. Randy picked up some more junk and came back. It was clear we needed to go through the main entrance. We did, and Skoldreg said something about hearing the organ grinding song, I thought I should come in and do some more research for my organ grinding story and I found that Skoldreg had passed out. Since my story isn't about roofies, book research wasn't going to happen. So, I healed Skoldreg and we moved forward, but whatever fucked Skoldreg up doesn't seem to be happening to me. We all moved in cautiously.
Inside, Skoldreg came up on a dead construct. Inside it's little mechanical guts, he found some strong solvent, which he bottled up and took. We kept going and he was charged by a not dead construct, who just slashed the shit out of him like some sort of murdery jack in the box. Next we had to move across a pit with slippery ladders. I just flew over. Cillian tried hopping, it was a struggle but he made it. Cathia and Night That Eats Stars went next. Cathia did just fine, but Night fell, which is kind of surprising because I thought Tabaxi were all acrobatic and stuff.
Finally across the slippery ladder pit, we came across a peloton instructor biking away behind some grass. It was super weird. Skoldred sexually harassed her. She looked confused and got kinda snarky with us, which I guess is understandable because of the sexual harassment. A couple of us tried to convince her to stop obsessively peddling, because honestly I'm kind of concerned for her mental health. She started fighting us after that and when she got off the bike to attack us, all of the lights in this place went out and the twisty tunnel hallways off of this room stopped spinning. I insulted her fucking face, and she cried about it. Skoldreg bludgeoned her in the face. And then some random overweight pirate looking guy came charging in. Night magically suggested she get back on her bike and leave us alone. She bought it and got back on the bike. If she wants to bike herself to death that's not our problem.
We focused on the chubby pirate, Thallon, then. Cathia and I both magically blasted him, but he headbutted Cathia and ran away. Skoldreg, Randy, Cathia, and Mechapussy all mauled the hell out of him as he bounced away - he bounced into the air as an obese goblin with delusions of being a pirate and he hit the ground as a corpse. And all the while Minerva just kept peddling. We looted Thallon's body and got a necklace made of crocodile teeth and some berries. We moved down one of the twisty hallways that was back being twisty again since Minerva was back on the bike. At the end of one of them, we found a big ass slide and Skoldreg just charged down it. At the bottom of the slide was a gross wounding tumor looking thing. It was kind of shaped like a penis.
We inched around the dick tumor and opened a doorway. Inside we found a creepy looking stitched together cephalopod type thing with needle hands. It looked like it could fuck you up and we happened to find it sleeping, so we decided to burn it while it slept. We coordinated a big attack against it but it wasn't enough to kill it. It rushed down the hallway twisting and contorting it's gigantic shape down the hallway. He swiped at Skoldreg and Cathia and I tried to distract him. It helped enough for us to rally and get him the rest of the way down.
We entered another room that was filled with string and yarn. Night started gathering it up into a ball. We went further to find a recipe tome - which had recipes we could use for making cool magic stuff - but we had to turn the objects into the stitchling creature that we had just killed. That sucked. But I mean he totally looked like a murder octopus, so like we had no choice. I suggested someone necromancy him back to life, but apparently that is a bad idea. Plus none of us know how to do it anyway. We went back around the gross tumor thing and down the other hallway. There we found a door labeled petting zoo and it looked like certain death, so we turned around and went the other way.
There we ran into a racist human kid with a bit of an attitude. Cillian pointed out she was probably a dick because of trauma so we let it slide. She said she had been ostracized by Happy Jack who said she wasn't fun. She said she could help us find Happy Jack. We followed her to Happy Jack's room where we had to write down a fantasy and put it into a letterbox. Night wrote down something about yarn. I wrote down some very sexy stuff about rope. I don't know what everyone else wrote, because as soon as Night put her fantasy in the box, a giant portal opened. I stuffed my fantasy in my bra - I'll give it to unseen boyfriend at some point - and we all hopped through the portal. But of course the first thing we saw was an evil looking clown and some kids around a magic tree.
He started giving us some bullshit about how he was saving the kids because families were awful. It's clear this guy has been through some shit, but he was holding a bloody meat cleaver, so he obviously isn't saving anyone. We tried telling him about how Sallie, the racist kid from upstairs, was super unhappy and how he had made things worse for her and I tried to tell him about how some families were bad but you could find your own family but it was apparent he was irredeemable. Cillian tried to surreptitiously hit him with an eldritch blast while I tried to talk Jack out of his bullshit, but Jack noticed and we started battling it out. His first move was to eat a kid and then drop a bunch of giant fucking candy from the sky which landed on Night, and she fucking let him have it in return. Skoldreg beat the hell out of Jack, I blasted his face with an orb, and Cillian sent Randy to absolutely rip Jack's throat out.
Night took the kids away and sang to them, while we tried to cut Jack open and save the kid he ate. It didn't work, but at least it looks like we're going to get some of these kids out of here.
Xoxo,
Dahlia
Rewards Granted
Bag of baby teeth (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
Snake tooth (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
three bundles of tulip bulbs (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
borken holy symbol (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
small wooden ball (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
rainbow shoe strings (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
clump of berries (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
hippo tooth (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
porcelain figure of mervinya (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
Brightly Colored Two person Carriage - magical carriage
A large squishy red hammer head attached to a long white handle - magical warhammer
A brooch in the shape of a large colorful flower - magical flower extra cantrips
two one pound bags of pepper
two one pound bags of salt
happy jack's diary
horse figurine - figurine of wonderous power (1x per day magical horse with white saddle and jingle bells
yellow letterbox with sexually suggestive language (Dahlia plans to hang outside her dorm)
Snake tooth (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
three bundles of tulip bulbs (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
borken holy symbol (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
small wooden ball (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
rainbow shoe strings (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
clump of berries (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
hippo tooth (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
porcelain figure of mervinya (junk we could have used with the stitchling)
Brightly Colored Two person Carriage - magical carriage
A large squishy red hammer head attached to a long white handle - magical warhammer
A brooch in the shape of a large colorful flower - magical flower extra cantrips
two one pound bags of pepper
two one pound bags of salt
happy jack's diary
horse figurine - figurine of wonderous power (1x per day magical horse with white saddle and jingle bells
yellow letterbox with sexually suggestive language (Dahlia plans to hang outside her dorm)
Missions/Quests Completed
Rescue Piper Lilu's little brother from Happy Jack.
Character(s) interacted with
Happy Jack
Minevera - An exercised obsessed peloton instructor
Thallon - a gobin with delusions of being a pirate
Sallie - a depressed kid who was a little bit racist
Some other kids
Minevera - An exercised obsessed peloton instructor
Thallon - a gobin with delusions of being a pirate
Sallie - a depressed kid who was a little bit racist
Some other kids
Report Date
13 Nov 2022
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