240703 It's behind you...

General Summary

Another week passes my faithful readers and our tale continues in this serialisation of the Band of Tomb Robbing Assassins. Please don’t forget to send your feedback to us here at the Bugle. Feel free to give me, your ever-present documenter, a five dragon review. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, the room of the four strange elves...
“Bugger!” said Drogon as he stared at the now ash covered table. However, the map had been thoroughly examined and committed to both memory and ink. The band, having gone through all of the chests, were assured there were no more clues to be found. Jude was a little shocked to see Griff thrusting the strange elven lady’s underwear into his deep pockets. He winked at Jude and muttered “For personal use.” Jude shuddered.
The team rested for a short time and recovered their health before departing the room to explore the next part of this labyrinthine abode. They had a number of choices. There were doors unchecked, ramps down on both sides and a strange archway with a skull above it. All choices were valid at this point, as their last lead had been chopped in two and left just an enigmatic map with more than a little blood upon it.
The map was a subject of some discussion. Some team members were convinced that the squiggles were in fact eyes and spiders, whilst others were sure they were poking out tongues and beetles. Somewhere, the gods were laughing with tears pouring from their eyes. I suspect the Band would soon be all too aware of what these symbols meant.
It was decided to check out one of the down ramps, and on the way take a look at the giant-sized door that hadn’t been opened yet. The one near the skulled archway. Sentinel zoomed off to go and collect the still grateful Elven Princess, Luthiel, whilst Drogon scouted ahead. Both were scuppered in their plans by finding two ettins chatting to each other, having a nice four-way conversation. You either get ettin jokes or you don’t. Team Sneaky checked the corridors next to the still unaware ettins, only to find six trolls milling around down the eastern corridor.
No rest for the wicked, and this team appeared to have been very, very naughty. Sentinel cast silence over the ettins and Team Heavy Metal moved in. The ettins didn’t leave a mark on the bodacious band, but the other way around was not true and the mighty two-headed beasts soon fell to the sword and spells combos in under five seconds. The trolls were then led into a trap, they walked into the silence only to find themselves surrounded by biting and stinging insects whilst swords whistled, bows hummed, spells cracked and daggers.... erm, daggers er...meeped?
The trolls also soon fell, again without leaving a mark on Team Armour Class. And Thorg and Griff saw to the burning of the bodies to stop them regenerating. The corridors filled with the acrid smell of Eau de Trolle, a choking and heady smoke for sure. The corridors were checked again to find the way was clear, so they set out towards their goal.
Once again Sentinel set off to rescue the princess. Before she left, she heard Kurog accuse her of cliché. And Drogon did what Drogon does best, meander and mosey his way places without a care in the world. They soon reached the down ramp with the giant-sized door opposite. Drogon noticed that the door had the same skull motif found above the archway next to them. As they watched, the skull switched to a geometric symbol, as if you were looking directly down on a four-sided pyramid (or tetrahedron for all you smart-arses) and then switched back to the skull.
Griff very kindly asked a zombie from his horde to open the giant door, bizarrely it managed to actually do something useful and got the door open a crack. The team had a peek inside. It was a stone room with a stone bed and a giant-sized statue to one side. The statue was ancient it its construction, something from a time long ago. Alien in its depiction of some lost or forgotten god.
Our very own Thorg volunteered to enter the room after Griff had definitely assured him it was a trap and possible lethal. Turns out Thorg didn’t really know what evocation meant and didn’t want to ask in case he lost credibility. As he walked in, the entire room erupted in flames from floor to giant-height ceiling. He was only saved by a rare moment of dexterity, but suffice it to say he wouldn’t have to shave for a week or so. Jude checked him over and assured him his eyebrows would grow back.
This next bit involves science, so read carefully. The team decided to prove that the experiment was repeatable by sending in one of the now dwindling horde of zombies. It was instantly immolated and turned to ash, thereby proving that they still had absolutely no clue.
Jude scoured her mind and rifled through her encyclopaedic brain for knowledge of this type of worship. Whilst she had nothing, she didn’t want to look stupid in front of her new friends and declared the room was designed to house kebabs that needed to be cooked and offered to the gods. The team ignored Jude.
It then dawned on them all that they might have an eye witness to what this room was. The beautiful Lady Luthiel declared it to be almost unmentionable with tear-filled anguish and went on to describe in gory detail that this was the room that her elven comrades were taken to and were never seen again. Jude corrected herself and asserted that the kebabs were prepared elsewhere and this was a purely non-giant humanoid sacrificial room. The team ignored Jude.
Now the room nearby, filled with smoke-stained manacles, meant more sense. Maybe there was no dragon after all! Hah, fat chance, there was always a dragon.
Now gentle, comfortable, sensitive readers, grab the nearest cushion or blanket to hide behind, for your heroes fair near crapped themselves constantly over the next hour. Strap in.
It all started with Sentinel checking out the down-ramp next to the skulled archway. Creeping down she spied a wall of metal bars covering the left-hand wall, she went no further and came back to the team. Not brave enough to go underneath the skulled archway, the team sent a zombie. The zombie seemed to bely the fact it was mindless because Kurog was sure it raised a rotting eyebrow at Griff before it shuffled down the corridor. Nothing happened so it was ordered to stop and the team followed through the archway and down into what can only be described as a room.
Ok, I can do better than that. It was a huge room, at least one hundred and fifty feet long with two rows of pillars running down the centre, the right-hand wall was made up of Sentinel’s metal bars she’d previously spied. At the far end was a raised dais with two huge braziers burning away. Jude was finally able to help the team by blurting out “It’s a temple!”. The team ignored Jude.
There were two supplicants in the room. Two huge fire Giants were at the far end worshipping what ever strange god was represented by the Tetrahedron symbol. The team was cautious, as one of these two might be the priest they’d heard of from Luthiel. A plan was hatched, with Sentinel and Jude synchro-casting (if it wasn’t a thing before, I am now declaring this a thing) silence. The rest of the team preparing to creep up behind the praying giants. It was all so easy, simple even, if only one of the giants hadn’t turned around and started to leave the temple, walking straight into our merry band, who were all pretending to be pillars. Unsuccessfully.
A fight started and everything was going swimmingly (Thanks GM for the adverb). A giant was controlled by Team Heavy Metal and despatched forthwith. In fact, it was going so well, our rear scout moved into the fray to secure his place in history. It was then that things went south, bad even, or just brilliantly depending on which side of the fireball you were. It struck the rear personnel, immolating half of Team Squishy. Once everyone could see again, a huge giant Priest was stood with a manic grin upon his face. The sort of grin you only find in a zealot or the very, very confident. Oh reader, dear, dear reader, this giant was supremely confident.
Before anyone could blink, the giant had despatched the poor, yet still ethereally beautiful princess as she arced through the air with a hammer shaped mark on her head and consigned her to a puddle of her own making. The surviving giant at the back of the room, held up two cards both giving her a six for both for style and execution. the latter more literal than she had intended. Dead again...
The team rallied preparing to take on this single, yet worthy foe. Oh the arrogance, the hubris! The giant didn’t miss a beat as the team manoeuvred themselves into position. He summoned two fire elementals from the braziers at the back of the room, cast spells and laid about again and again with the hammer. Thorg found himself getting intimate with one fire elemental as it stood on him, and despite his fire resistance, he was badly burnt and was set on fire. Sentinel and Jude moved to try
and tank the new threat, both were taught lessons in humility. Burnt, wounded they tried to retreat as Kurog charged towards the Giant Priest. Only to find the giant seemed to have amazing, almost legendary abilities. In the mean time as Jude raced to try and save Thorg, her rock-seeking head caught a blow from the other giant. She couldn’t quite make it to Thorg as the second Fire elemental closed on him. Griff, having lost his final zombie to the flames had little left so hugged a pillar to watch the unfolding horror. Thorg managed to cast his famed Mirror Image spell and run, the elementals took the bait and hit the images, removing them one by one, but he was almost in range of Jude’s healing spells.
Now if only the two fire elementals hadn’t decided to attack Drogon and Jude, completely immolating them. Jude was in a terrible state and barely functioning. A decision was made to take down the Priest Boss and ignore the elementals. Easier to say than do, as Jude was on fire, Thorg was on fire and both were likely to die by the time they got to cast any healing spells. A quandary indeed! The team’s mood shifted to one of borderline despair as Jude stood waiting for the inevitable. The priest was taking damage from Sentinel and Kurog and was starting to look a little harassed himself. But that was no solace for our soon to be departing heroes.
Rescue came in a very unlikely form, but rescue did indeed come. Griff had a brainwave and cast one of his last remaining spells. He polymorphed Jude into a great ape, thereby restoring her health and turning our pretty but also a little mentally challenged cleric into three hundred pounds of simian death-machine. With a beating of her chest, she ran from the elemental and smashed into the Priest delivering yet more damage. This gave Thorg the chance to smack the elemental, driving it to a flickering aspect of what it once was.
One more herculean round was started and the band managed to get more than their fair share of lucky breaks by finding chinks in armour or fleshy parts, but find them they did and the Priest was finally defeated, falling to the ground to huge cheers from some and woops from the ape. Relief was palpable but, there were still the two elementals and the giant at the back of the room. With the priest down, the fight was soon brought under control but the fear of wiping out was still at the front of their minds.
Drogon and Thorg laid into an elemental despatching it back to the plane from where it had been summoned. The second soon fell and the giant with it. The team was badly wounded and had been taught a lesson they would not forget, well not for at least 10 minutes anyway. There were indeed bigger and badder things out there than the Band of Tomb Robbing Assassins.
Pick up next week’s copy of the Balder’s Gate Bugle to find out what they found in the temple and what they did next, but I am willing to bet it involved resting, crying and cleaning soiled armour. Until then my wonderful loves.

Report Date

03 Jul 2024