Key, Rebranding

General Summary

“I’ll take her.”   I looked up to see the receptionist, short and plump, eyeing me from just outside our stall. Standing next to him was an unfamiliar figure, clothed in a long, deep emerald, cloak. Shadows cascaded over his face as he motioned briefly in my direction. His hand appeared to be full of callouses, unlike previous customers. I couldn’t see his eyes, but remnants of a long past scar sat just beneath his chin. The receptionist feigned a smile and ushered the man away.   So this must be it. I’m finally being sold off. Should I be happy? That I finally get to leave this dump of a place? Or maybe, is it fear I should feel? That the outside world is much worse than the safety of these cells? All I could feel was apathy. Lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern - the last “word of the day,” back in Edgerton .   I glanced around at the others around me. There were seven of us total. The youngest looked to be around eight years old. He came with blood covering half his face. The guards never bothered to wipe it off, so it ended up becoming matted into his hair. The newest addition came only days ago. The guards shoved him in and chucked a piece of stale bread at his head. Apparently it was his birthday and he had just turned twelve. They mocked him, laughing that it was the least they could do for his poor parents that had just sold off their only child.   Was I twelve yet? It’s hard to tell how much time has passed since arriving.   A guard walked up to our gate with keys clinking together in hand. After fumbling for a moment, he pushed one into the lock, turning until a click echoed against the walls. The door slowly screeched open, piercing our ears. Footsteps thudded as additional guards appeared, entering our chamber. They grabbed a hold of me, one on each side, dragging my body out of the cell. The others simply stood and watched. A guard shoved my head forward, and we continued down the hallway, toward the stairs. The sound of metal smacking metal rang behind me, as the gate was slammed shut.   A few flights of stairs later, we made it to the exit. I could feel the heat from the sun radiate through the iron door. Someone from outside swung it open, causing the light to spill in, burning my eyes. I winced, as the guards continued to push me along. Keeping my eyes shut tight, I allowed them to drag me blindly to my next destination.   “Sit.”   I was forcibly sat on a wooden bench. I could still feel the sun hitting my face. Slowly, I tried opening my eyes. Black spots danced across the landscape, as my eyes continued to adjust. I could hear the sounds of coal crackling from behind. A guard was standing just in front of me. Someone had handed him what looked to be a stamp made from metal along with some paperwork. He walked away while reading it, placing the stamp on a nearby table. My eyes, now fully adjusted, surveyed the area.   The building we had exited was a gray brick. Webs of vines wrapped around it, tiny pale flowers in bloom. They were muted, as if they were covered in a thin layer of ash. Actually, everything looked to be a grayish hue. The building was short and rectangular. No windows, just two iron doors. Aside from the plants and the guards, there were no signs of life. It was still and quiet, much like the inside of our cells. All that could be heard was the popping of the fire.   There was a frail, small boy sitting on the opposite side of the bench. I hadn’t noticed him until now. His hair was a sandy blonde. Light freckles covered his sickly pale face. He must have only been five or six. I had never seen kids that were so young at this place. They were always at least eight or so. The boy continued to keep his eyes closed. Probably for the best.   “Congrats kids. You new master just payed.” The guard from earlier had came back. He motioned for someone behind us. “Get them branded. He payed for their antidotes too.” He glanced at the boy next to me. “Go easy on that one. He looks like he’ll keel over any second now.”   “Yes sir.” the man behind us answered. I watched him grab the stamp-like metal from the table as the guard stood watching. He disappeared behind us again. After a minute or two of waiting, I suddenly felt hands wrap around my mouth. Something hot pierced my back, just below my neck. Pain seared through me, but all I could do was sit despondently. A putrid odor filled the air, the smell of my burning flesh.   I knew he had removed the metal from my skin, but the pain was still there. His hand slipped off my mouth. I stared at the ground, taking ragged breaths. From the corner of my eyes, I watched his hand cover the mouth of the little boy. I looked away.   He tossed the metal on the ground in front of us and poured water over it. It sizzled and hissed. This must have been the “branding” the guard had spoken of earlier. My back still on fire, he grabbed onto my arm. Syringe in hand, he pierced my skin, injecting whatever white liquid that was, into me. He did the same to the boy. Finally, they yanked us up and led us back inside the building. The man in the cloak and the receptionist were waiting. They exchanged words, but I couldn’t hear them. Everything had gone muffled since I had been injected.   They placed chains around our wrists and brought us back outside. The man in the cloak led us down a dirt path until we reached a main road. A black truck was parked off to the side, hidden by the foliage. He hoisted us up into the front seats and took off his cloak, wrapping it around us. He unlocked our chains and threw them in the back. Shutting the door, he got into the drivers seat and started the truck.   Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion. The sounds of the motor became clearer as my eyes became wet with tears. I felt pain, sadness, fear. Tears I hadn’t cried in years, streamed down my face.   “It’s the effects of the antidote.” The man said. He must have noticed me crying. “It brings back your feelings.”   Images of my family back in Edgerton raced through my mind, along with the unrecognizable bodies that replaced them. My brothers, their soccer games, the neighborhood bonfire. My captors, dragging me around, dumping me at that gray bricked building. My tears turned to rivers, as my emotions continued to gush out. Audible wails escaped my lips until my voice ran sore.   “What’s your name?” he asked, handing me a tissue from inside his glovebox.   “K-Ki…” my voice rasped. I hadn’t spoken to anyone in years.   "Key, is it now? Well, I’m not sure what your circumstances are, but how’s about living with me for now on?”   The small hand of the little boy clasped over mine. He had been fast asleep the entire ride. A tear of mine rolled onto his cheek. I gently wiped it away and pulled him closer.   “Okay”

Character(s) interacted with

Report Date
21 Mar 2019
Primary Location

Comments

Please Login in order to comment!
Mar 27, 2019 12:25 by Michael Berger

The Good Stuff: There's a certain power behind how bluntly Kiki's horrible situation and experiences are described. The character has become dull to their surroundings, which is disturbing considering that they're being sold in a child slave market. This becomes the most obvious when Kiki's branding happens right before he's stabbed with a syringe. Most characters would have an extreme reaction to being branded with a hot iron, but Kiki simply takes the pain and holds it to himself.   The Bad Stuff: Kiki is a completely passive actor in this vignette despite being the main character. He lets the guards drag him out of his cell, he has very little reaction to being branded, and he accepts Jembe's initial hospitality. To be blunt, this character is not struggling in any way and will seemingly accept whatever happens to him. This significantly impacts the ending of the story, turning it from something that implies better times ahead to just another event that Kiki is swept up in.   It's possible to have this same series of events and details be used positively, but the framing of the story would have to change. Right now the story is told in a very matter of fact way, using past tense verbs while adding little character flavor. This is a narrative told in a first-person perspective and we don't know why Key is retelling the story. Furthermore, we don't get many glimpses into how Key feels about this period in his life outside of, “It sucked.” Maybe Key is retelling it to someone to get across why child slavery is bad? Is Key bewildered by how much horrible stuff happened to him and how much he didn't react to it back then? If you want to keep the events and make Kiki a passive actor, then we need a perceptual lens to view the story from.   Finally, here are just some minor (and definitely more personal) criticisms I have;

  • It was hard to tell that the main character was locked up in a cell by just reading the first paragraph. I initially mistook them for a slaver themselves. Maybe add a small detail where Kiki sees someone through the bars of his cell?
  • Depsite Kiki having been locked and having lost a sense of time, he uses very specific language denoting amounts of time (minutes, days, and years).
  • The white drug that, “brings back [Kiki's] feelings,” is a plot element that feels a little nonsensical and fantastical to me. We're given a stark reality of children being enslaved and sold, and then a magic drug restores feelings. It's not a bad plot device or idea, but how Jembe states what the drug does makes its properties declarative. Surrounding the word, “Feelings,” with quotes would have eliminated this problem in my eyes.

Mar 28, 2019 19:48

A character, Slavemaster Jembe is the key character to your character, the key that helps us what the relationship between lead what she became kind of the character. Jembe was description well which made use curious to see who he is and what he would do next on continue the story. There were questions inside Key’s thought about her conflict feeling about leaving her place. Next, it gave us had the idea of what kind of place treated her. It was easy to read your story to understand what’s happening when Key finally got sold out as the slave. I can imagine when you write the part of the place transformed into another place in the description that Key and other kids got forced by the guards. Additional, this building did match well with the situation of apocalyptic and the main concept was dirty much. In the scene of “branding”, it draws the attention to see how painful to people get injected. It’s interesting to tell about how Key change her name by her master.   I noticed you used the past tense, “was” in sometimes, you need to work out for using the active verb in the past tense. I felt you missed something about what the characteristic traits Key had. I wanted to see what her personality look like in this current situation before Key and other characters in the RPG scene. Does Key change herself a lot from her childhood or complete blank character? You need to work out on this vignette backstory that adding something deeply about Key. I’m not sure if this master, Jembe was threatened or dangerous person to Key character, it’s so hard to tell what kind of influence he makes on Key.

Mar 28, 2019 19:51

What’s working well: The story flowed really well and I was able to follow through the entire piece without being confused or needing to reread any parts. Furthermore, I thought you did a great job describing each scene as I felt the imagery was very strong. I thought each character was described really well as I was able to get a sense of what their personality may be like. I think the story overall had a really interesting plot to it. I liked how it was told from the first-person perspective as it fit really well with being able to express the character’s direct emotions. The story also did a great job of providing just enough context for me to not fully understand the world, but to understand enough of what’s going on. Even the part about the antidote was a really nice touch at the end.   What could be working better: Although the personalities of the characters was described well, I would have liked a bit more of a physical description of each character. That seemed to be the only piece I was missing to fully put together a nice image in my head. I’m able to get a good sense of age since that was indicated, but that seemed to be about it. Furthermore, I found the part about the antidote really fascinating and would have liked to see more of the story about that part. What other memories are coming back to the character? Can we learn more about her backstory? How is this man that is taking her away from this life of living in a cell? This is the stuff I’d like to see continued, at least for me.

Mar 28, 2019 20:33

I like that Key is a passive character for the majority of the story. This and the loss of time paints a vivid understanding that the character has been broken down to the point that they don't see a future pass what they currently are. There isn't a very big pay-off for the characters' return of emotion. With the return of emotion I thought it would break the trend of Key being just along for the ride and that they would begin making their own decisions, hwoever this wasn't the case. It ends with Key continuing to not really make decisions for themself so, while actions occur, it doesn't feel like there's a real arc within the story. On a more minor note there was also some grammatical/spelling errors within your piece that were sometimes distracting. It's not the biggest thing, but a quick comb over would help the work a bit.

Mar 29, 2019 03:42

Good stuff: Everything you’ve written here is very clear and easy to read- I get a straightforward sense of all of the scenes happening as well as the space that the scenes inhabit. I get a lot of senses of despair from the dialogue and tone of description being so blunt and brutalistic. I especially like how our point of view is limited to Key and how we only get to see what them is aware of, and how it’s implied that there are things around them that we don’t get to see but are of equal importance.   Bad stuff: Though the simple descriptions work towards establishing a sort of tone, I feel that this piece requires a lot more emotion in order to deliver the impact that is due with it. I would take another look back and see how you can redescribe things to further induce sense of pain, torment, and despair in the characters. Additionally, I fear that the dialogue could be doing more work in the phrasing of characters, and is falling into a lot of tropes of slave treatment and servitude. I would try to go back and give some of the characters more defined traits that make them stand out against the grain- a nervous tick or a way of talking, a way they look at somebody or a more defining feature of something they wear or of their appearance. Doing this will help to make some of the characters and their interactions with one another feel less cookie-cutter.