Window

I sat looking out the window. Gazing would give me far too much credit. Nope, I was definitely looking. There wasn't much to see. There was a sidewalk and some cultivated bushes and trees. There was the obligatory grass mowed to the obligatory length. There were the flowers which looked forward to their every other night watering schedule. I should be happy. It was all so carefully tended. I did appreciate the effort that went into making it all look just so...and if the people who did it were filled with purpose, so much the better...but I doubted it.
I knew I was not filled with purpose. I was filled with a sort of malaise of the soul. I wanted to do something with some meaning to me, but what? Do I support a good cause? There are so many causes in the world, most of them good. What do I believe in? Certainly not perfectly manicured lawns, and tamed flowers that wouldn't survive without regular tending. Maybe it would help to step back a bit and look at the bigger picture. 
Heh. Good joke since I'm looking out a picture window that's pretty big. So looking out the window I see only the careful machinations of a well ordered society. Maybe that's what I was missing...a little wildness...a little nature asserting herself. I looked closer and noticed the small blade of grass growing within the meticulously bordered island. I felt a kinship with that grass. I know I do not belong. 
I feel more like a dandelion though. I have so much to give and I can contribute to the overall health and wellbeing of the community, yet no one wants me in their group. Despite that, I know the real problem lies with me. Why do I care? Why do I want to fit in where I am not wanted? I know what I would need to do in order to be accepted. I would need to be carefully manicured and cultivated like the view out the window. I have tried, at times, to be that person. I have always failed in the long run simply because one cannot truly be anything other than themselves. 
I am a rouge, a rebel, a misfit. I actually follow societies rules oddly enough, but I do not follow the conventions. I don't want to wear what others wear. I don't want to watch what others watch. I do not find the jokes funny, or the romance romantic. I have no interest in the accepted sports. I mostly want to be left alone. So why does everyone keep telling me that we are social creatures and that if we do not have companionship and friends we will wither and die? 
Why do I need to be a part of a community? Why do I buy into that story when I reject so many others? Why do I think that 'they' must be right about health, and about mental wellness when they are wrong [at least for me] in so many other areas?
I'll tell me a secret. I have no interest in sex. Most of the time, unless someone points it out, or it otherwise comes to my attention, I am not aware of my gender at all. Do I care to change my pronouns? No, because I don't care! I don't care what you call me. It doesn't impact me at all as long as I know you are speaking to me. I don't lean towards men, or women, because I am not interested in either. That said, I would love to have a deep emotionally and mentally intimate relationship with someone. I want to feel like I matter and that they care deeply for me as a person. The rest...simply does not interest me in the slightest. In large part, I think this is why I do not feel that I fit in.
Most of everything we do as a society revolves around procreation. Even those who have non-conforming gender roles, or homosexual tendencies, still have sexual tendencies. It fills, at least from what I can gather, their thoughts a large portion of the time. I only think about it when I can't get around it. It's not that it's unpleasant [though it can seem rather silly], just that seriously, it rarely crosses my mind. It's a rather fundamental issue that it seems is very difficult to express or explain to those driven by their hormones.
On a rational level I wonder if it's hormonal. Is there something wrong with my hormones? If they were changed would I be someone else? Should I want them changed so that I can fit in? Should I blame hormones for what's 'wrong' with me? Or is there anything wrong with me at all? I mean, I was born this way. True, I don't fit in with what everyone says is nature's plan. Is that true? I mean, it's not like I have done anything other than be true to the way I was made. So that must mean that this is nature's plan, right?