B: Rani, Can I Call You Rani?
R: You May.
B: Thanks so much!
So Rani, you're… alien to our world, you come from another planet?
R: Technically I come from a small gestation pod formerly in orbit around your moon but my species comes from another galaxy, yes.
I believe humanity calls it Messier 87.
B: So you didn't travel here of your own volition?
R: My journey took over 65 million years, Benjamin Cook.
When my pod launched from its home world your non-avian Dinosaurs had nearly a million years left to enjoy their dominance over Earth before they would experience extinction.
Advanced though my people are, they had not yet mastered the technology that would make such a trip possible for a single individual, to say nothing of the potential psychological effects of being locked alone inside such a capsule for millions of years.
B: So you were… Made in a pod above earth?
R: My zygote was constructed by an artificial intelligence from base materials stored in the hull.
After initial construction I was force matured in an artificial gestation chamber for two years while the AI fed me all of the experiences and information I would need for the conquest and administration of this planet; combat skills, technical knowledge, scientific literacy, functional bureaucracy, medicine and so forth.
B: And your people explicitly sent you from a different galaxy to take over this planet specifically?
R: Not specifically.
My pod was sent to this galaxy but it is the choice of the AI what system is most suitable for first conquest.
Neither I nor any of my original species had specifically chosen any final destination.
B: You've mentioned conquest a couple times now.
Do you mind I ask about that?
R: Is that not the purpose of this interview?
B: Heh… Of Course.
My apologies.
You… Say that you have come to conquer this world and, while I've seen you… Shoot lasers from your eyes, there is still only one of you, correct?
Doesn't this pose some sort of logistical problem considering your people are so far away?
It took millions of years for you to get here after all.
They must have known that you would be on your own.
R: My people are extinct.
I was part of a project to populate and conquer the entire universe in response to the expansion and inevitable expiration of their home star, which was just under twice the mass of your own Sol but roughly the same age.
My people knew that they would go extinct with the inevitable stellar nova so they created a plan to use that dying star's increased luminosity and heat output to power a mission that would send no less than five probes to every galaxy in the observable universe.
Each probe produces a conqueror after selecting the ideal system for such an endeavor and settles into orbit after separating from a module that goes off to produce what you would call a Dyson Swarm in whatever system it happens to colonize.
B: Even so, I can only imagine there will be problems in actually rekindling you species, considering that there is only one of you.
R: I was constructed with all manner of technological enhancements that give me the powers I possess.
My people were once nearly identical to your kind, right down to a shared set of amino acids and nearly identical genetic information structures.
However, in preparation for the conquest, my people invented vastly superior sciences and created a template by which their species would entirely fuse with those highest and most advanced technologies.
I am part of that first generation and every generation henceforth will have all of the same enhancements with which I've been endowed.
Part of that is a specialized genetic recompiler embedded in my reproductive system.
Any compatible life form, within reasonable limits, should facilitate the production of offspring who are entirely of my own species.
B: You're saying can produce fertile offspring who are entirely your species by reproducing with humans.
I assume this child would be unrelated, then, to the father.
So you're trying to replace us?
R: Most certainly not.
The father will still be human and entirely related to his offspring.
Many traits determining appearance, I gather, should be retained.
For example, if I were to breed with you it is fair to assume that our child would have considerably darker skin than myself, but certainly would possess lighter skin than you.
However, your DNA would otherwise be completely recompiled by the technology fused with my anatomy.
Human genetic code is restructured into that of my own species… Not unlike changing the format of a video file.
The contents remain the same.
And so humanity will not be replaced… But enhanced.
Your species will continue on as its lineage braids into my own, just as the Neanderthals and Denisovans have lent their own traits to humanity.
B: It's interesting that you mention Neanderthals, considering they've long since gone extinct.
R: If your society were to embrace transhumanism then it's fair to assume that humanity, as you know it, would go extinct as well…
But I have seen very few people who would lament that transition for what most would find logical reasons, considering that the increased integration of technology into your society has already produced immense progress and an improvement in the wellbeing of nearly all humans planet wide.
I am not seeking to eradicate humanity.
I am seeking to improve it, to carry it into what some might call the next great stage in its evolution.
For many now it may be impossible to have my power… To be unable to fall ill or suffer the pangs of hunger, to regard bullets as motes of dust and to work at great speeds.
Your sons and daughters, however, have that chance.
What aspiring parent wouldn't want that for their children?
B: And yet you have already killed several people to achieve your goals.
Do you think that marks you as a caring mother and homemaker?
R: I gave fair and loud warning before that incident.
Do you disagree with this?
B: I suppose... I don't.
R: Despite my warnings that I would kill them if they touched me, they fired upon me and sought to detain me.
Do you disagree with this?
B: I... will admit I don't disagree with that specific statement…
R: I have no desire to kill any human, Benjamin Cook.
I may have come to conquer this world but I have no intention of imposing upon your species the imperious malice of your historical human leaders.
I do not embrace the institution of slavery nor do I intend to rule by fear and violence.
I have equal distaste for your governmental systems of fascism as I do for your communist states.
I have far too many reasons to eschew primitive savageries such as torture or espionage and I need not feel threatened by the most destructive of your world's weapons, even while standing nude upon the red soil of this island.
But I am, at least as far as I am aware, the last of my kind and I am extending to your species the opportunity, nay… The OBLIGATION to rekindle a functionally extinct species with my very presence!
Your environmentalists have cried and wailed at their authority figures for decades to rescue species from extinction every single day.
Now, more than any animal that has ever set foot upon your world, you stand to gain from resurrecting THIS species specifically.
AND IT WILL NOT BE DIFFICULT!
You need merely bend the knee, accept my rulership and send your most eligible unmated males to apply for entry into my royal harem.
In a SINGLE generation there will be even more of my kind to dedicate themselves to the project, providing countless benefits to the children of those who join my cause.
… What are you laughing at?
What is so funny?
B: I'm so sorry.
I promise, it… WILL be funny to at least some of your audience that part of the benefits of joining your cause is getting to have sex with you.
Suffice to say I've known a few people who would join your side just for that.
R: If that's suitable incentive for these people then that is sufficient for my purposes.
B: So you really think, truly, that you could convince the world to just… Bow down before you?
What's in it for us first generation folks who bend the knee, as you say, but don't get the powers?
R: Look Around You, Benjamin Cook.
When I arrived this place was a bombed out wasteland filled with pests, few trees and a handful of researchers doing what they could in spite of your corrupt establishments to restore the environment of this island.
Establishments and institutions who would rape the world for short term notoriety only to die with the rest of its population when the consequences of their actions make it impossible for them to escape.
In less than a day I have already dug out a lake and begun filling it with fresh water fed by a desalinator that runs on the power released by matter-antimatter annihilation.
I have eradicated most small pests on the island in only a few hours and those that remain will be rooted out before the month is up, after which the environmental recovery will be greatly hastened.
I have begun construction on a vast compound which will preserve and reveal to humanity all of my people's original culture, technology, medical science and other such advancements and from there I will be able to enrich the entire planet for all who live upon it.
In just over a generation, thanks to a part of my mission that began before I was even gestating, half of your system's planet Mercury will be excavated and refined into a Dyson Swarm connected to Earth through a system of interconnected satellites that will provide functionally infinite electricity to the planet for the next three and a half billion years!
Crops from my planet are not only far superior to your own for production and space efficiency but my agrarian technologies can facilitate the same explosive growth in your own native crops.
And I do not require of you, or humankind as a whole, ANY ASSISTANCE at all in doing this!
You need merely sit back and accept the GIFTS of my rulership!
Your ailments will be cured, your productive lives extended into centuries, your food and water provided freely, your homes built to a higher standard than your world's wealthiest billionaires can possibly imagine!
And ALL who bend the knee will be given such things regardless of their former station or identity.
B: AND they get a chance to impregnate you the old fashioned way?
A suspicious man might say that it all sounds too good to be true.
R: Are you a suspicious man, Benjamin Cook?
Is that what you say?
B: I'll admit, I'd like to see more of your assistance to and protection of the average person before I accept the claim that you'll be some sort of benevolent, eternal leader.
Have you considered taking a trip to the white house lawn or something and asking to talk about all of this with the president?
I'm sure he could clear his schedule for someone like you.
R: Forgive me my lack of in depth understanding for how human society works, for I WAS born yesterday, but will you deny that my property would be confiscated if I abandoned it for any amount of time?
B: I think that's a bit uncharitable to us humans.
R: As we speak the enemies of your nation are planning to steal my craft via agents deeply entrenched in your own governmental structure.
Do not pretend that this is outside of the bounds of reason to assume.
I CAN HEAR THEM TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW!
Assertions that a Senator Cortez will maintain open channels.
Requests that someone named Representative Pool will find a way to contain the media backlash once my technology is LOST.
On BOTH sides of your political aisle you have dissent and corruption, cooperating with the self proclaimed enemies of America to steal what is, EVEN BY YOUR STANDARDS, legally my property.
B: You're saying that you can… Hear people in other countries, our enemies you say, talking…
Right now?
R: There is not a sound on this planet that I can't hear if I so desire.
B: Do you mind… I put that to the test?
R: How?
B: Well, I can send a message right now to my coworkers in New York City.
That's nearly five thousand miles away.
I can tell them to send me back a message of what they're going to say.
They can then speak the words, “I Am Benjamin Cook's Friend Demonstrating Rani Haumea's Hearing Powers” followed by the contents of the message they've sent me.
I'll show the message to the camera before they say it so that everyone knows what they'll say.
If you really CAN hear them that far away, you'll accurately repeat the statement to me.
R: This is getting dangerously close to performing parlor tricks for your amusement, Benjamin Cook...
B: If you can do even just this I PROMISE you the world will take you much more seriously.
We're livestreaming all of this right now so there's no chance of obfuscation or production trickery.
If you're really as powerful as you say, this shouldn't be too hard to prove.
R: Fine…
Do so quickly.
My patience with this interview wears thin.
B: Give me juuust a moment while the messages send to and from our man in New York, waiting for this very request.
And he's sending back now.
Now please turn away as we reveal the message to the camera.
R: I can hear laughing…
What's so funny?
B: Don't worry, it's nothing important.
R: I might be naïve to the details but I can tell you're lying…
B: So now I'm told my coworker in New York is going to begin speaking slowly in five seconds to allow you to focus.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
R: I am Benjamin Cook's Friend Demonstrating Rani Haumea's Hearing Powers by covering toasted marshmallows with sparkly rainbow watermelon seeds and giving them to sassy, angry kittens who ride pink and blue cotton candy elephants to battle.
Is that what your friend said...?
B: That… I-Is EXACTLY what my friend said…
So you're super strong and can shoot lasers from your eyes.
You can fly and move at super speed.
You're bulletproof and can hear people talking across the entire planet.
Does that make you feel like you're some kind of… Superman.
R: If you are referring to the character made by The DC Comics Corporation then no.
The titular Superman thinks like a human.
He is constrained to the way they go about their lives.
Though his powers are great and he has defeated many terrible foes, he does so to preserve the status quo of his peaceful little world, wherein the chaos of radical individualism and the deadlock of competitive democracy hold back the entire species.
I fight for humanity's advancement into the space age for all people, a unified purpose for the mutual benefit of the entire species and the survival of my own even if humanity must be dragged into such progress kicking and screaming.
Your Superman character grew up with humans.
Now it is time for Humans to grow up under ME!
He is the invention of humanity to teach the importance of human values.
I am the invention of a far more advanced species to ENFORCE the reality of COSMIC Necessity!
I have no intention of ruling with any lack of justice, generosity, kindness or tolerance...
But my rule WILL be absolute.
I have not been set upon this mission across tens of millions of light years to be denied!
There will be no more questions.
This Interview Is Over.
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