A Day in the Life of a Wizard

Most magicians follow schedules like any other middle-class white collar employee, because they either have day jobs and magic is a hobby, or their day job is a standard thing with an employer and regular hours. Even independent contractor magicians usually follow the same patterns that any other normal human being would.
It must be said that wizards are not like other magicians. Wizards are the mad scientists of the magical employments. They spend their time in esoteric and eccentric pursuits. They usually become experts in a chosen field, and in order to become fully certified as a master wizard are required to be the sidekick of a Hero or a hero themselves for at least two years. Most wizards are in their latter years, since the pursuit at this level is somewhat single-minded and leaves behind families and careers. Some are just that weird. They usually set up shop as a private practitioner, rather like the magical version of a private investigator.
For the purpose of this exercise, I have chosen Hilario McKibbin. Mainly because he is not at all inclined toward the secrecy that is common in some of his ilk, and partly because he is just weird enough to be interesting to write about. To that end, my Earthling co-author, hapless writer that she is, followed Hilario around for a day to see what it was like. Also important to note, in spite of his reputation and how he sounds on paper, he’s actually quite young for a wizard.

Hilario McKibbin's Very Bad Day

Very Early Morning and Morning

• 3am. Attend to experimental plant-growth water spell. Note any changes in the plant growth.
• 3:05. Realize it is 3 in the morning and there must be a reason I woke up this early. Search for cause.
• 3:10. Interrupt search for cause of waking with search for flashlight.
• 3:22. Find flashlight next to emergency generator. Realize electrical power to house has been turned off and the generator is not working. Also realize flashlight is not mine. Must figure out who I borrowed it from!
• 3:23. Power spell! Lights back! Yay!
• 3:30. Attacked by lizard creature. Does not repel with fire spells. Bits my arm and does not let go. Begin searching books for removal spell.
• 4:09. More lizard creatures. Lock self in inner chamber with favorite grimoire and look for lizard repellent.
• 4:43. Find appropriate banishing spell just as lizard creatures break down door. Make a run for potions cabinet to gather appropriate ingredients, since I doubt a standard spell will be enough to rid myself of theses myriad pests.
• 4:55. Note: buy more pinkwort! Must buy more pinkwort!
• 4:56. Remembered that the neighbor has some pinkwort growing in their yard. Made a run for it and got tangled in the back-door brambles temporarily. Robe now needs mending.
• 5:02. Arm is numb. Have thoroughly wrecked the fence between me and neighbor, which does not bode well.
• 5:04. Have the pinkwort! And cannot remember the incantation, thanks to blood loss. Back to the office.
• 5:16. Empritori voxil tarn!! No more lizard creatures.
• 5:40. Wake up on office floor, and thank God for standardized protection/healing spells in office. Today is going to be a great day.
• 5:41. Today is going to be a terrible day. Emily is going to kill me dead. And I just replaced that chair, too.
• 5:47. Am too groggy to deal with any of this right now. Taking a nap.
• 7:00. Wake up from nap. See mess again. Write a list of things for Emily to clean up when she gets here. Start making list of things to buy for protection against further lizard creature attacks, and call chair repair place.
• 7:30. See mess under the newly repair ceiling light and panic. Emily does not get paid enough to deal with this kind of damage, as she often reminds me.
• 8:00. Constabulary does its regular morning check-in to see if any damages need reporting. The advantages of being a frequent customer is that they get tired of you stopping in every other minute and decide to simply enforce a daily check-in. Take two minutes away from frantic cleaning to fill out damages form and give Lt. Barnabee some coffee.
• 8:48. Stopped cleaning when I literally found myself running in circles. Am stopping to take a moment and meditate and mentally prepare myself for secretarial onslaught.
• 9:00. Emily Blackbourn, most favoritest secretary ever, arrives. Yells at me for making a mess of office. I insist was not my fault, but have no proof since lizard creatures were thoroughly banished.
• 9:14. Emily ceases harangue and starts sweeping up mess. Glares when sees blood stains in carpet. Again, cannot prove that these are proof of my mortal peril thanks to office spells. Note to self: invest in security cameras. I mean it this time!
• 9:29. Waiting room is relatively clean, so Emily unlocks the door and opens for business. I am banished to my laboratory.
• 9:30. Begin experiment with water magic and roots of rose bush.
• 10:42. Am interrupted mid-ritual by a customer needing a few enhancements on the sagebrush in his garden.
• 10:59. After a fair period of time ignoring aforesaid customer, Emily comes in and yells at me for ignoring said paying customer and forces me to leave my important experiment to help.
• 12:06. Finally get back to office and can finish experiment. Note: put up sign that I do not make house calls.

Afternoon and Evening

(The afternoon passes in this manner. Hilario attempts to finish his experiment, a customer comes in, Hilario ignores him, Emily yells, he cooperates unwillingly and gets back to his work just moments before a new customer comes in.)

• 6:53pm. Water magic goes drastically wrong. Laboratory is flooded. Emily harangues from her perch on a chair. I contemplate whether it would be easier to clean this mess up or to turn myself into an ant for the foreseeable future.
• 6:54. The ant is not an option, because Emily promises to squash any suspicious-looking bugs. In retrospect, should not have told her about my plan.
• 6:59. Customer comes in at worst possible time: in the middle of this mess and one minute before closing time. Yell at him to leave. He doesn’t.
• 7:00. Customer is in fact the wizard who sent the lizards this morning. Waited until the end of business hours to attack again, which I thought was quite decent of him. Was tempted to do victory dance when this stranger finally confirmed my story from this morning. Did not, because Emily would be mad again.
• 7:05. Evil wizard is monologuing. Something about my defeat being the next step in his path to greatness. Always good to know it’s not revenge for something I did. Revenge cases are always complicated because I never remember the thing that caused it.
• 7:10. Still monologuing. Greatness, the search for the ultimate power, my own insignificance, blah, blah, blah. Thinking about water displacement and a possible solution to my root problem.
• 7:15. More monologuing. Sent Emily across the street for coffee and to borrow a few mops. Glad she told me not to bother carpeting the office after the Bloodguard incident. Interestingly, evil wizard does not seem to notice the water receding when Emily leaves the outside door open to drain.
• 7:20. Monologuing. Trying to uphold the code of conduct expected in duels like this by listening to the whole speech, but cannot help looking at my watch and wondering when this will be over. I have work to do.
• 7:28. Emily back with the mops. Tried to send her out to get pinkwort but she refused. Evil wizard still monologuing. Am beginning to suspect he has some kind of neurological disorder. Compromised and sent Emily to back room for A Mage’s Encyclopedia of Evocations. Might as well brush up on my conjuring spells while I’m waiting for EvWiz to finish.
• 7:39. Still talking. I would be concerned if he didn’t keep breathing and blinking and looking around the room. EvWiz reacted violently when I briefly attempted to leave the room for a bathroom break. Apparently Emily’s the only one allowed to leave.
• 7:46. Ah. A comment on the insignificance of my retinue. So EvWiz has noticed the fact that she’s spent the entire time cleaning up and taking care of my shopping list.
• 8:01. Finally got Emily to leave for the pinkwort. EvWiz didn’t break verbal stride even when she stomped on his foot on the way out the door.
• 8:04. EvWiz got dizzy from lack of oxygen intake and had to sit down for a minute. Got him a glass of water. Thought about drugging it, but decided that after all this I kind of want to see things through to the end.
• 8:13. Emily is bound to be back soon. I interrupt EvWiz so we can get this over with before I have to worry about collateral damage. He berates me for a breach in the code of dueling conduct, and I point out the fact that no one reasonable expects another person to listen to a monologue for over an hour. He concedes, and zaps lightning at my head.
• 8:23. EvWiz (whose union card says that his name is Egon Balducci, under the mentorship of Haakon Karzai, my nemesis) is tied up in basement dungeon. Thoroughly gagged and bound, waiting to be picked up in the morning by the local constabulary. Incidentally, timed duel to take exactly 10 minutes. Emily would be proud.
• 8:44. Emily returns, still unimpressed by the state of the office. Hands over the pinkwort and leaves the majority of the cleanup for tomorrow.
• 9:01. After some perfunctory cleaning, take a few minutes to meditate on my own mortality (a prerequisite for mastership in my particular field). Receive a message from Emily stating that she got home safely and reminding me that I have been awake since 3am. Agree with her logic and her mathematics. Time for bed.