The Heroic Bard

Performed by Jagger the Dagger in Vallaki at the Blue Water Inn
Not so far away, not so long ago,
At ye ol’ death house that’s just up the road.
On some kid’s advice, nearly paid the mortal price
To cultists and demons and horrors untold - - until now
You may think it’s a joke, you may think it’s a gimmick,
But I’ll have you all know…
There’s a bard who kills a mimic (a bard who kills a mimic)

Now you may be looking up on stage and thinking
how in the world could someone like those fops kill a vicious creature like a mimic?
Well, I can promise you this. Bards have many surprising, non-musical talents up their voluminous sleeves.
So drink while you listen, and listen while you drink.


One clever one learned on valiant one strong,
And a humble yet talented bard
Entered a cursed house to slay a mad beast
A place they might never depart

The clever one opened the rusted iron gates
The mists ushered all inside
Down dark twisted hallways, the bard led the way
Saying ‘onward!’ with no fear in mind

The learned one paused sensing unholy magic
Then her eyes fell upon a trap door
Behind it the marks of a cult bent on death
The skeletons littered the floor

These must be heroes
Died in their battle theater
Avenge them we must!
To make victory all the sweeter (make victory all the sweeter!)

Just then…

Two wraiths rose and swirled, poised to attack
The valiant and the strong took the lead
With a burst like a gail and swing of an axe
The enemies met their defeat

No sooner, two ghostly gray children appeared
Begging “heroes please stay with us here”
But the bard would not stand for such obvious tricks
And said ‘where is this monster you fear?’

And the answer… down down down down
And so they marched down down down down

A whisper…some chanting…from nowhere at all
Yet everywhere all through the gloom
Though fear gripped the lot, the bard was unswayed
And called ‘Forward! To glory or doom’

Through swarms of spiders, past coffin and crypt
Or the bones of blood sacrifice made
The band fought with honor ‘gainst ghouls, ghosts, and beasts
And laid waste to every shade

Then came the final door guarding their fate
And the heroes, they took it in stride
But the door sprouted teeth and lunged with a snarl
Surely t’would be their demise

Now at the peak of adventure
T’is the point of this limerick
As you may now know
T’was the door that was the mimic (the door that was the mimic!)


The battle raged on with all getting weaker
Exhausted and circling defeat
Then the bard pulled his dagger with uncanny grace
And attacked with a harrowing leap

The strike paused in the air
Then met flesh with a skruuguhhskiysik
And what fell to the floor
Was a slain, unmoving mimic (a slain unmoving mimic!)

So, no more is it a joke.
None can claim it’s a gimmick.
You all very well know
That a bard can kill a mimic.

And I’m the bard who killed the mimic!
I’m the bard (he’s the bard)
I’m the bard (he’s the bard)
I’m that bard who killed the mimic!