It Takes Time <To Be Properly Taken Apart> - Chapter 25
Chapter 25
Chapter Length: 5,200~ wordsBeyond the Snow
Raqi sat at the edge of the garden on the chair that had previously been reserved for sitting at her computer. She alternated between resting her feet on a small stool and letting them wave through the air; the chair just high enough that they did not naturally touch the ground, and she was unable to lower the seat any further due to a malfunction in the pressurized air container. In one hand she held a tablet, and in the other a glass filled with water, which she occasionally took a sip from. Besides her chair was located a table, and upon it were several large pitchers of water as well as a collection of food that could be eaten cold; such as sanchum berries, seeds, various cereals, and even some dried meat. Behind that was a new aperture in the wall; a door like those on the rest of the ship, different only in how it was transparent and could be seen through. It lead into a small closet within which was a shower, a toilet, and various other bathroom amenities. Protruding directly from the wall just next to it was a coat hanger, upon which various shirts and trousers were hung. Underneath it was a pile of discarded pile of various clothes; mostly socks and underwears, but there were two shirts - one of them her poncho - and a pair of trousers as well. Once she had finished drinking from the glass, Raqi put it down and turned her attention back to her tablet. Her eyes scanned over the lines of text in the e-book that she was reading, but her attention would not stick on it, and she kept looking away towards the centre of the room. After another minute or two of trying to focus, she gave up and placed the tablet down on the table beside her. Getting up, she made her way past the bed in front of her and headed over to the middle of the room, picking up a watering can and a trowel from the floor along the way. Her footsteps kicked loose dirt around on the ground that had spilled over the edges of the enclosure. Stepping forward, she placed one foot atop the wooden barrier at the edge of the mound, then the other; taking care not to lose her balance or to accidentally step on any of the foliage. Once she was sure of her footing, she took to inspecting the plantation. Every single plant that had been in the garden had been removed from their original positions, grouped up, and then gathered together in the middle of the room in as tight of an arrangement as Raqi could get them. The process of reconnecting the various plants to the humidifiers, dehumidifiers, air conditioners, and filtration systems had not just been difficult; it had been impossible. She had been forced to give up on trying to provide proper conditions for several of them, and that was what the trowel was for. As she ran her inspection, she looked for any traces of yellow leaves or wilting. Once she identified it, she would look the plant up on her tablet, and see if it was one of the species that required conditions other than what she could provide, or if it was a simple case of mistreatment. If it was the latter, she would adjust the fertiliser dosage or how often she watered it, or consider moving it around if it wasn't getting enough light. If it was the former, on the other hand, she would dig it up, place it in a bowl, and then feed it to the basic chemical synthesis suite to turn into fertiliser. It would then be used to keep the other plants healthy, and ensure that - even if everything didn't survive - some kind of an ecosystem would remain. Once she had finished pruning, Raqi deposited the unhealthy plants into a container, then dropped it on the ground past the edge of the plantation. She would attend to it shortly, but first, there was something else she had to do. Making her way around to a particular corner of the overgrowth, there was one area that had been left clear of foliage. It was indicated by a row of stepping stones that lead into the mass of flowers and leaves, just large enough for one to step on without needing to trample anything underfoot. Raqi put one foot on the first stone, then another, and began the well-practised series of steps that would bring her to the centre of the foliage. It only took about ten steps, but she was forced to duck underneath various leaves and push other ones aside. The level of the ground rose very slightly with each step that she took, and by the time she had made it to the centre, she was about two feet up above the floor. It was there that she arrived at a small clearing within the middle of the assorted plants. There, on the only patch of dirt that had not yet been overtaken by weeds or colonised by some other plant, lay Punica's core. The affini's heart was still largely inert; three days had passed since Punica had 'died', and nothing had happened save for - yesterday - a few tiny sprouts popping out of the core. It hadn't put roots into the ground, or connected to any of the other plants, or anything beyond that. Raqi had hoped that today it might have grown longer tendrils, but the sprouts didn't seem to have changed even slightly from how they were yesterday. "Hey," she said, trying to force herself to sound cheerful. "Good afternoon. I got bored so I figured I'd visit you again. I, uh... I spent most of today reading stuff. Just... looking through books on my tablet, really. I finished cataloguing every plant in here yesterday; I've got a spreadsheet of all the positions they're all in and I set up timers for how often they need to be watered and fed. I think I've finally figured out how to stop the etzilmulia from wilting; I'm kind of happy about that, because I figured I was going to have to pull it up otherwise." She finished her sentence, and silence fell. "Yeah, uhm... The plantation is doing way better overall, generally speaking. There aren't nearly so many wilts any more; I'm only having to prune about a dozen plants a day at this point, mostly smaller ones. I think it'll probably be done stabilizing in a couple of days- I hope, anyway. After that, I'll... Well, I don't know, exactly. There won't really be much to do after that. I'll just... keep on watering and fertilising, I guess?" Raqi stared for a few moments, hoping to witness some sort of change in the core, but nothing came. Her eyes scanned for even the faintest hint of the dull green glow which it had once emanated, but she could see nothing. "Alright, well... I'll leave you be for now. ...Take care of yourself." She nodded to the core, then turned and made her way back across the stepping stones. As soon as she had exited the plantation, she took the bag of prunings and uprooted plants and began walking with it down to the other side of the ship, where the chemical synthesis module was located. She passed the multitude of leaves and creepers and flowering vines that had now consumed around two-thirds of the ship as she did, having to cover her nose with a cloth to avoid being overpowered by the smell. Raqi had seriously considered leaving Punica's core somewhere on the other half of the ship and allowing her to simply connect to the biomass growing out of the stolen affini biotech, but something had told her it was not a good idea, and so she had decided to let her rest in the garden instead. Once the plants had been successfully mulched, Raqi made the return trip back to the garden and placed the produce along with the rest of the fertiliser. It was sealed off in a makeshift compost bin so as not to produce an unpleasant smell, and she quickly stuck the lid back on once she was done; trying her best not to breathe any of the air that came out while it was open. WIth her tasks done, she found herself once again with little to do. She made her way back over to her chair and picked up her tablet, but after a moment of hesitation, she placed it back down again. Her eyes flickered once more towards the plantation, and her brow began to crease. After a few moments, she decided she could no longer tolerate it, and made her way out of the garden; heading back to her room. It had been a while since she had spent much time there. She occasionally nipped in or out of it to retrieve something, but she hadn't stayed there for almost half a week. Now, however, she sat down hard on the bed, letting her body go limp as she sat once again on the spot where she had cradled Punica's core. Little occurred in her mind as she sat there. There were numerous important subjects she knew she should have been contemplating - most of all what was going to become of her when Punica rebloomed - but for three days now, she had had no interest in considering them. She had barely stopped to think about anything at all; opting instead to distract herself with books, tablet games, music, or videos- the latter possible now that she had realised she had some downloaded on her computer, and could transfer them to her tablet. She had tried her best to pass the time as quickly as possible, spending as much of the day napping whenever she felt like doing nothing else; which turned out to be a lot of the day. Finally, though, a thought did eventually make its way to the surface of her mind: I don't know what to do. She wondered if there even was anything she could do. The situation with Punica, she was fairly sure, could not be salvaged; once the plant woke up, her domestication was an utter certainty. She now doubted that it would be Punica who would become her owner, however; she couldn't imagine the plant still wanting her after Raqi had literally killed her. No, it seemed more likely that she would probably sedate Raqi, then ship her off to someone else whose duty it would be to properly break her. At this point, she couldn't even have blamed her for doing that. She wasn't just a threat to herself, she was a threat to other people. There was no path forward other than to neutralize her.
Why don't you eject her from the ship?
I'm not going to do that, Raqi replied to the voice. I've spent enough time running from my punishment.
But, if you don't...
I know. But I am not going to hurt her again, just to save myself.
Her mind was quiet for a few moments.
...Yeah, fair enough.
It was impossible for her to fix what she had done, but she could at the very least avoid making it even worse. It was the absolute bare minimum, and it was perhaps the first time she had been able to do even that. It was, she supposed, better than nothing.
Not much of a start, though; considering that it will be the last thing 'you' do.
...Yeah.
The thought hurt a little, but she couldn't bring herself to get too upset about it. She knew that she had had more than enough chances to do better, and she did not deserve another one. Some people were simply not capable of improving, and it was evident now that she was one of them. For her, the height of accomplishment would come in accepting what she was, and facing her fate with her head held high.
It was like ████████ had said: she was a failure. But if she could at least own that, then before she was taken from the universe, she would be able to say she had done one thing right.
Her thoughts turned elsewhere. I wonder what she'll do after this? She didn't really know how affini processed trauma. Would Punica be left with a lifelong scar from what Raqi had done to her, the way so many landamaeris had? It was possible, though it seemed equally as likely that the Compact had technology to overcome such things. She supposed that whatever their version of therapy was could probably deal quite easily with this sort of thing. Alternatively, maybe Punica would opt to simply remove the memories of their time together. The thought of that sent a little shrill of horror through her, but she could understand how it would be reasonable. Maybe it would be better just to forget all about this.
That was the conclusion which she had arrived at so many times in the past. In the end, other people were just better off without her; because when they were around her, this was what happened to them. It was always for the best whenever others left her, and she often imagined how much happier and healthier they probably were with her gone.
I wonder why I'm even here. The thought was just as quiet as her prior ones. I honestly... didn't think it was possible for a person to suck this much. It felt odd to think about. There's making mistakes, and then, there's this. ...Has anyone else ever actually messed up as many times as I have? I know other people have done worse things, but I mean- this same mistake, this many times. Without any capacity to learn whatsoever. I've got to be the only one, right? I just... I can't even imagine how anyone else could pull this off.
If she was honest with herself, it felt almost like some sort of joke. Some kind of satirical comedy, maybe; based around the premise of having a sophont think they couldn't possibly get any worse, then showing them just how much worse there still was to get. Repeat ad infinitum unto nauseum.
She wondered how it was that she had become like this. She was fairly sure that as a child, she hadn't been anywhere near this bad. Did I go wrong somewhere along the way? I guess I must have done. She spent a moment trying to think of what could have sent her down the path, but it soon became apparent that it was a futile endeavour. There had been so many mistakes all throughout her life, and it was impossible to point to any one of them as the moment at which it had all gone wrong.
She thought about the people back home in the Fleet, who were all inevitably going to suffer as well because of her. She'd almost forgotten what her being domesticated meant for them: The affini would force her to give up the location of the Mobile Fleet, and then this would play out with ten billion more souls; the only difference being none of them knew what was coming. When the affini arrived, they would be terrified. She, at least, had known what she was getting into; but that was a privilege that would be extended to none of them.
A sense of mild irritation filled her, distracting her momentarily from her self-loathing. It's so dumb, the way they conquer civilisations. They must *know* that arriving and just going "hi we're infinitely superior to you and we're here to take over" is going to scare people shitless; yet they keep doing it anyway, and then they always act surprised when Terrans are scared of them. She rolled her eyes. Fucking dweebs. All that potential to actually do good, and you get blinded by a superiority complex into not listening to anyone else.
Boy, where had she heard that one before?
She rolled her eyes. Yeah, guess I'm kinda like that too. Maybe I should try kidnapping random people and drugging them into my obedient pets. The thought made her snicker. Shit, I mean- I wonder how much of the skill issue is just a lack of proper resources. How much of the fucked up shit I've done would have been fine if I had class-B's or class-H's? Imagine if I told someone they were being a dumbass for not liking themselves, and instead of watching them respond by whipping out the laundry list of 'fifty reasons why I suck and I shouldn't like myself', I could just dose them with a class-H and be like 'shut up and start loving yourself.' The laugh got louder. Inos, my life would be so much easier.
Some of the pain faded away a little, and she swung back on to her feet. Resources do make quite a big difference, when you think about it. The affini wouldn't be able to claim to be nearly so hyper-competent if they didn't have magic hypno eyes and drugs beyond our wildest comprehension. Without those, they'd just be a regular bunch of insufferably smug cunts; like me. Her smile both widened and softened, and she started walking back towards the garden. I guess I probably would've turned out differently if I'd been raised in a better environment. I tend to think of myself as having had a lot, but that's only by the standards of all the other yuyayni and transfemmes. By objective standards, it really wasn't that much at all.
She wondered for a moment if she was blaming her material conditions for what was actually just immorality and some sort of inherent bad nature. Then she realised that was what fleetists said about poor people, and banished the thought directly to the incinerator.
As she wandered into the hallway between her room and the garden, though, she found herself stopping. It's kind of weird, isn't it? I don't think normal people really have to think about this kind of stuff. ...It's just kind of always felt like this, I think. She thought back on the misery and unknown dysphoria that had characterised her pre-transition childhood. I really used to be so soulless back then... I can't remember liking- or, hell, *feeling* anything at all; except miserable and empty. Even after she left school, she had been like that for a long time afterwards. It was no wonder, then, that ████████ had eventually gotten so frustrated with her.
...That's right. Her attention turned inwards, to a place it had not looked in some time. You were always the only one who actually liked us, weren't you?
An image formed within her mind of a stone temple. Its walls were formed of dark grey rock, and its only distinguishing features were two grand slate pillars that rose upon either side of her. The building itself was not important, but rather served as a backdrop for the part of the scene that truly mattered; namely the white-cloaked woman that stood in the centre of the temple. Short red feathers cascaded down her head to the base of her neck, and two electric blue eyes stared unblinkingly at nothing.
Raqi regarded her with quiet curiosity. She stared intently at the woman's eyes, watching for any sign of movement; but there was none, as she had known there would be. Eventually, her focus waned, and she continued speaking. It used to annoy you so much when I was mean or self-deprecating. I never listened when you told me to love myself, and eventually, it pissed you off enough that you stuck me in a box for three years. A small smile formed on her face. Hard to say I didn't have it coming, I think.
"Do not say such things. As if you could ever disappoint me."
I disappointed you a lot back then, though, didn't I? She paused. But even in spite of that... She shut her eyes in the real world. You never thought it was your fault. Every time we had these conversations, you never got bogged down in blaming yourself, or feeling inadequate. Instead, you always wanted us to focus on the things we had achieved. How impressive it was that we were anything other than permanently miserable... You always had your gaze turned skywards.
A memory floated through her cognition, the sound of a familiar voice echoing momentarily:
excitement; elation; shivering; thrilled; hungry
staring up at the clouds, something about them so very enchanting
"I wish that I could reach up there and bite down on them."
staring up at the clouds, something about them so very enchanting
"I wish that I could reach up there and bite down on them."
"No matter what happens, you won't die."
The smile weakened, ever so slightly. You really had no idea just how true that was going to turn out to be when you said it...
Several moments passed, and then Raqi turned her presence towards where she had used to be. If you had been here, could you have just lit the flame again?
. . .
I suppose probably not. You did have your limitations; even if they were much, much greater than mine. ...But asking a question like that is missing the point, anyway. If you had been the one standing before her, then there wouldn't have been a fire to put out. You didn't need a visual aid like that to control your emotions; you just did it. Whipping the wind around you however you liked, sending flames this way and that... Her mindvoice softened. It was always so dazzling. I think, honestly, that you got kind of caught up in the high of all of it. That was sort of the price you paid, wasn't it? You grew so good at burning that, when the time came to stop, you didn't remember how to any more. ...And so you burned out.
She was silent for a while.
If you were still here, you wouldn't allow me to forget all of the good things that we've done. I wonder if that's why I can't remember; perhaps all the recall for those memories is tied to you. So now that you aren't here, I can't remember them. It made sense to her. Though they did not experience fully compartmentalised memories, there were things that were easier for one of them to remember than the other. I'm doing it even now, I just realised. We both always associated you with everything good that our system ever did... I know you loved me at first - and that you do again now - but when you took over the front, for the longest time, you were disgusted with me. And it was because you saw everything you could do that I couldn't, and the way that your confidence made everyone adore you while they were repulsed by me. We both came to think that every positive quality was yours and yours alone, and that I was just... the trashy leftovers.
I thought that... after you died, I would inherit all of your traits; the way you took some of mine when you became primary fronter. But I haven't. I still don't love myself anywhere near as much as you do. I still... don't feel like I serve any real purpose, in contrast with you. Her gaze shifted. And yet...
"Maybe. But you're still the Simurgh, and that's certainly good enough."
A slow, soft sorrow ran through her chest. I don't... want to be the Simurgh. I want to be the Firebird. But I... can't. With you gone, I don't remember how to burn brightly any more.
How had she done it those few years ago, in the time shortly after ████████'s departure? There had been a period of around a year when she herself had commanded the flames that ████████ had once wielded, and it was then that she had earned her title. But then, something had changed about her internal landscape, and she had forgotten how to do it. The sensations didn't come as they needed to, and the strength to live had abandoned her. Her title had gone with it, and now she was just a small, lesser bird.
Her gaze grew distant. Where did it all go...?
She wondered, then, if perhaps she had forgotten what it was that made herself bright in her own right.
Yes... I suppose if I can only exist as an inferior contrast to you, then it only makes sense that I wouldn't have my own fire. The thought lingered for a long moment, and it made her wonder: Had she ever, herself, done anything impressive? Surely somewhere in the three years since ████████'s death, there must have been something she had done that was worthy of giving her her own identity?
She felt it, then. A soft stirring, somewhere between her gut and her throat and the back of her mind. It was both inspecific and weak, but it... felt like something. The memory, of something long lost.
"I love you, Raqi. No matter in what ways I change, that will always be-"
It felt absolutely incomprehensible. The only innate emotional reaction she felt to the statement was confusion; perhaps even fear. ...But upon looking deeper, years of learned habit in how to regard her natural emotions shook the rust off, and a different interpretation formed. If she were a landamaeri like the ones I've known, I might just say she's stupid, or a poor judge of character. But she's an affini, and she's neither of those things. So... If she said that, and she didn't just mean it to try and cheer me up... then there has to be a reason why.
Does she... actually see something in me that she likes? I don't... see how that could be possible... particularly after how everything has gone. She thought back of her relationships with past partners. Then again, is this really even that much worse than how things went with some of them? And they still said they loved me as well... She did not understand sophont attraction; not even one bit. What she did know is that it would be doing a disservice to Punica to say that the affini was lying, or that she simply misunderstood Raqi and was perceiving positive qualities where there were none. She had no desire to invalidate her like that. If that's the case, then I suppose there must be something.
She took a deep breath. Eventually, when Punica finished reblooming, the two of them were likely to fall into conflict again. Regardless of her unwillingness to eject the affini from the ship, she could still not allow herself to be forcibly domesticated; even if it was unquestionably the correct thing that ought to be done with her. I still have responsibilities to other people that I'll be letting down if I allow that to happen. As long as that was true, it meant that should Punica continue to hold to her responsibility to minimize harm, the two of them would be opposed to each other. And so, once again, they would fight.
This time... I want to show her that there's more to me than just tears and regrets. I 'won' this time because I was so pathetic that she let herself get killed to save me. ...But that same pathetic creature made it all the way to Compact space without any affini to help them in the past. If I really was as much of a piece of shit as I think I am, I would have given up and died long before I made it here; but I didn't. A hint of metallic grey formed at the edge of her thoughts. This time, I want to show her the other parts; the bits that let me make it this far before I had her to help me.
She took a deep, steady breath. I may need help, but that is not all there is to me. I do exist beyond my failures and my flaws. She knew this to be true, and she wanted Punica to be able to see it as well.
She stood back up straight, and resumed the short walk back towards the garden. I'm certain that we will end up fighting again. I know, now, though, that the worst I can do to you is not more than you can endure. And with that in mind... I don't feel so afraid any more. She turned a corner, and the door came into view. To be by my side is to sustain injuries like this one, time and time again. This was, I'm sure, only the first of many. You know that now, and so if you choose to remain with me... She tapped on the button to open the garden door. Then you do so knowing that this is what it means to be my friend.
A beak and talons that could cut through the hardest of metals. Eyes too blind to tell ally from enemy, and a fire that burnt all who came too close; friend and foe alike. To embrace her was to know that one would be hurt by doing so, and to have decided that it was worth it anyway.
This was who she was, and she would not let anyone take that from her.
The door slid open, and she stepped through to the other side.
TerraTranslate :: Raqi Marr :: Punica Granatum :: The Affini Compact :: Landamar Mobile Fleet :: Hormone Replacement Therapy :: The Chimera Module :: Affini :: Intersidera :: Posters :: Magnesium :: Wonderland :: The Hundredth Time: Part I :: Communication :: aftermath :: Physical Confrontation :: Garments :: Interspecies Comparisons :: Touch :: Equality :: Hypnokink :: Speaking :: ahftrojn,lpijmnhfkg :: Pretheya :: Magic :: scared :: Materas Marr ::