It Takes Time <To Be Properly Taken Apart> - Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Chapter Length: 5,300~ words

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The Sickness: Part III

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Punica couldn't believe what was happening. One mistake, one misunderstanding had been all it had taken for every one of her nightmares to be made manifest. She had overstepped her bounds in an attempt to care for Raqi, and now, she could tell that she had deeply wounded the sophont. The pain in every note of Raqi's rhythm hurt more than the ice that she was trapped in, and her instincts screamed at her that she must fix this. But as she sat there unable to move, she did not know what to do. It was that very same drive, to reach out and to fix Raqi, that had put the two of them in this situation.
And now, because of that, she was dying.
She had not chosen her grafts to cope with cold temperatures. Her brief stint a few days ago in hard vacuum, although not dangerous to her core, had done substantial damage to her foliage which she had been yet to recover from. She had pruned the worst-affected parts of her body, but the rest was still vulnerable, and she had been mid-way through regenerating lost and damaged cells when she had found herself trapped in this prison of ice. Though nowhere near as cold as the void itself, it did not need to be to damage her flowers and vines, and she could already feel great swathes of herself succumbing to the ice; the fluid running throughout her vines crystallizing and expanding, breaking her cell walls and shredding her hydraulics.
I have to get out of here. Panic was shooting through her system, more than she had ever felt in her life. If she did not escape from this place immediately, she did not know what Raqi would do. She had harmed the girl so severely that there was a very real risk she would try and take her own life. If that happened-
She couldn't. She could not let that happen.
But what could she do about it? Every inch of her body save for her core was frozen solid. Not one vine was free to move, and in a matter of minutes, not one vine would be able to move. She had at most five minutes, she suspected, before so much of her biomass died off that she would be immobile even if she made her way out of the prison. Her mind raced, firing off impulses to her vines that sent them thrashing around with all their might in search of any ounce of give anywhere, but there was none. She was completely immobilised.
No! No, no, no no no no... Please, please, please no- don't let it end like this. She doesn't deserve this! Please, Everbloom, do not do this to her!
The one place not surrounded in ice was her core. She wasn't sure whether this had been intentional in Raqi's usage of the Chimera module or merely incidental, perhaps done unconsciously to ensure that the sophont was still able to move away from her; but it did leave one area of her body free. It seemed useless, however, on account of the fact that her core could not move on its own. Its only function was to direct the various biological processes elsewhere in her body, controlling the flow of liquids and chemicals in and out of her appendages-
A thought occurred to her. It felt repulsive on an instinctual level, but she knew immediately that she had no other choice. With a tensing of certain muscles, she stopped all flow of liquid to a number of her vines; redirecting it back to her core and letting it pool there. She did this with almost half of her biomass, drawing as much back to her core as she could and then keeping it near there. Within moments, the liquid began to heat up; warmed by the irrepressible biological processes that continued eternally in her core, regardless of what situations it was placed in. An affini's core could remain functional close to absolute zero, and could not be fully destroyed by anything short of throwing it into a sun; instead being more likely to go into hibernation. The current low temperatures were nowhere near enough to impede its functionality, and she took advantage of the heat it generated to begin warming up the liquid in her body.
Gradually, the liquid that had now pooled near her centre started to give off a modicum of heat. It wasn't much, but it began melting the ice closest to her core. After a minute or two of this, enough of the ice had softened that the tip of one of her larger vines was free. She had continually pumped warm liquid into it to ensure it did not completely wilt, and now that it could move again, she had what amounted to a corded-steel battering ram to use on the ice. Winding it back, she slammed it into one of the emptied out portions of her frozen body with all the force she could muster. Immediately, a small crack appeared in the frozen water. She repeated the process, driving the tendril into it again, and again, and again; until one chunk broke off completely. More than a dozen of her vines broke off with it, but she had no time to worry about that. She kept on hitting until several more had been exposed, then used her core heating technique to more delicately thaw them out.
The entire process took too long. By the time she had extricated her core and enough of her vines to move from the ice, there was not much left of her beyond that. She had opted to simply cut herself out from her unnecessary biomass, and she was now only around one fifth the size that she had previously been. What was more, her remaining vines were all critically damaged. Every one of them was gradually losing strength, and it would not be long until they failed entirely. She had until that happened to make her way to Raqi, and stop whatever the sophont was thinking of doing.
She shot a vine out towards the door that Raqi had left through. Rather than grappling and soaring through the air as she might normally have, the way she moved was more akin to pulling herself across the ground. Her core slid over the smooth floor of the garden, bumping and slipping as it went; the cold metal texture feeling wrong against her most sensitive body part. She paid it no mind however; entirely focused on her task of getting to Raqi's room. Once she had made it to the door, she tapped blindly against buttons until she found the one that opened it, then dragged herself through and into the hallway.
She only had very few visual receptors left. She was forced to turn one vine around to check both sides of the corridor, but she couldn't see Raqi anywhere. She knew where the sophont would have gone, though, and she began to make for her room. Every movement took energy that she did not have, and a part of her was aware that she could barely hear her own rhythm. There wasn't enough of her left to really make one any more.
It took her a long time to make her way to Raqi's room. The corridor she was moving down lacked handholds, and she was forced to resort to pressing her vines down against the floor and pushing herself along for part of the journey. It took far longer than she would have liked, and every moment was filled with terror at the thought that she might be too late. Please let me not be too late. I beg of you, Everbloom; do not let this happen. Please, please, please-
And then, she felt it.
The sound of Raqi's processes felt nails against a chalkboard to her; the melody she was giving off was so discordant as to be physically painful. She had never in her life witnessed any creature in as much distress as she felt Raqi was currently in.
"Raqi!" Her first thought when she had found herself frozen had been to ensure that her Terran vocal apparatus was not destroyed. She needed it in order to comfort the girl.
"Raqi? Are you there?! Please say something to me!"
She hoped against hope that the girl could hear her. She did not know how well sound would pass through the walls of her room. Even if she could hear her, she did not know if the girl would want to reply; but she had to try. She needed to be there for her. She could not leave her alone after what she had done.
"Raqi, please! Please, speak to me! Tell me that you are alright!"
The air was silent, but Raqi's rhythm was not. She felt how the beating of the girl's heart grew quicker, and the other telltale signs of fear intensified. Punica's core burned. Her xenosophont was terrified of her. She had good reason to be after what she had done. It hurt her so badly that, for a moment, she thought she might rebloom on the spot- but she knew she couldn't. She knew why Raqi was scared, how it was justified- and that what she needed to do right now was ignore it. Because if she didn't, the creature was going to die, and it would be her fault.
She had to stop that from happening, no matter what it took. No matter how much lasting damage it did. She could always fix trauma; she couldn't fix Raqi being dead.
She drew the same vine from earlier that she had used to break the ice back, and slammed it into the door.
There was a dull thud, and absolutely nothing happened. The door did not budge even remotely. Punica thought back on the one time she had dented the wall of the Rending Talon; she had been striking with a composite hand which possessed far greater strength than this one vine, and the damage she had done had still healed itself in mere instants. With dawning horror, she realised she could not break through to Raqi.
No. No, no, no, no, no- She raised her voice. "Raqi! Let me in, please!"
Still no reply. She could feel the girl's fear escalating.
"Please, Raqi! Do not do anything rash!"
She had to do something, had to find a way in-
She knew it was futile, but she tried again anyway. She drew back her vine and slammed it into the door one more time, and just as before, nothing whatsoever happened. The lack of any tangible change sent more leaves falling away from her body, and she found herself on the verge of breaking down completely.
"I- Please just speak to me! I am sorry! I am so, so sorry! Please, let me help you!"

---

-And yet, neither of those things happened, and Raqi remained frozen in place. She still, in spite of all the terror and the panic, couldn't bring herself to move.
Help, the girl thought, her voice fallen to a whisper. Somebody. Help. Please.
But as the beating on the door continued, she knew that no one was coming. There was no one that would come to help her. That was how it had always been, and that was how it was now going to end.
As that thought drifted across her mind, it triggered a shift in her inner landscape. Some small part of her mind- the last one not occupied with the decision between flight or freeze- latched onto her words, and a memory formed. It was little more than a presence; not even that, the memory of a presence. It existed just barely on the periphery of her mind, so subtle that it was a miracle she could notice it at all. Either desperate for anything that could save her from her current situation or simply rendered distractible by exhaustion from her persistent terror, her attention flickered momentarily to that presence, and as it did, the same voice that had been tormenting her until mere moments ago spoke.

Yet... There was once someone, wasn't there?

The presence, in response to those words, grew. It increased in strength, spreading out across the surface of Raqi's mind and consciousness and suffusing it with a familiar yet long-forgotten sensation. For a moment, the fear in Raqi's heart quietened, and the terror that had been evoked by Punica's banging upon the door fell to the wayside.

Whenever we were afraid, it was always her who would comfort us.
She never once failed to do so, in all those years.

A memory sprang to life in Raqi's mind:

soft red feathers tickling her neck; the sensation of a body pressed against her own
arms wrapped around her torso, pulling her close; the feeling of strong muscles tensing against her
comforting, reassuring pressure, that spread outwards like a blanket
her presence; itself all the more so

...If only she was here...
There was another bang on the door, and Raqi snapped back to reality. She had no time left. Finally, she found the strength she had been looking for, and she opened her mouth to speak. Yet, instead of the words commanding Straessa to remove the window, the voice once again interrupted her.

If she was here, would it still be like this?

Raqi faltered once again, the momentary resolve she had gathered lost at the question. I... I don't know.

What would she think of us doing this?

...
Her gaze shifted.

"Raqi, please, please- I can tell that you are afraid. I am not angry with you; I promise!"

I can't imagine that she would approve...

Of course she wouldn't. ...But it doesn't matter, because she isn't here any more.

If she was, do you think she'd struggle this way?

No. There's no way that she would ever have let things get this bad.

"This- None of this is your fault! You have done nothing wrong here! The fault- The fault is entirely mine!"

Her eyes were starting to water again. But that's the point. I'm not like her. I'm not as good as her. I can't do any of the things that she could. If she was here, she wouldn't need a fucking flame to feel good about herself. She *was* the flame. She would... never have let things come to this point.

Then, don't you think that maybe we...?

"I felt how you feel about yourself, Raqi. For a brief moment before the ice came, I could sense it. And I can sense it again now. I beg of you; do not be angry with yourself! This is in no way your fault!"

She's not here. Raqi swallowed. I can't- I can't do what she could. I don't have the strength. I've already failed at everything, so what does- does it matter if I fail her too-
A current swept through her mind in a manner akin to water running down a riverbed. Raqi felt the presence from earlier emerging once again, but this time it did not stop at simply being felt. Instead, there was a feeling like something pushing at the edge of her mind, fingers clawing at the edge of a precipice, as if trying to find purchase-
"Raqi."

disapproval; firmness; gentleness

"Do not say such things. As if you could ever disappoint me."
Her face convulsed.
You aren't real.

"Please, Raqi... I beg of you, do not hurt yourself over this. I- I beg you. Please. Please do not. I do not want you to be hurt any more because of what I have done to you. You do not deserve this; any of this!"

compassion; pity

You aren't really here. I- I sent you away. I... fucked up, and you're gone. And now I'm pitying myself by pretending I can hear your voice.
"Is there really such a big difference? If I was here, you know what I would want."
N-no, I can't. She turned her gaze back towards the window. "S-Ship. Activate Chimera m-modu-"
"Raqi. Do you honestly, genuinely believe that what you are doing right now is the right thing?"

"Please, Raqi... I could never, ever think that you deserved to be hurt, or to disappear. It- such things are not right; not of anyone, and least of all you! You are the sophont in this entire galaxy that deserves such a thing the absolute least!"

"Or are you merely lashing out in pain?"
S-s-stop. Please. I'm not like you. I can't-
"How much have you grown in these last years? You are nothing like the child that I abandoned that day. You have strength beyond that which I could *ever* have imagined in my time."

warmth; affection; compassion

"Look at you. Raqi Marr the Simurgh, standing proud atop her Rending Talon. Here, at the far edge of the universe, doing battle with her greatest fears."

smiling

"You are losing; but we always lose, don't we?"

"I should have listened to you... I should have stopped! You warned me that what I was doing was wrong, and I- I ignored you! I... I'm so sorry, Raqi. I'm so, so, sorry. I'm sorry, I- I cannot find the words-"

"I lost as well, Raqi. It's why I'm not here any more."
A choking sound escaped from her mouth. That's not why-! It was because I- because I made that stupid fucking decision!

warmth; disapproval; firmness; love

"That's not why, and you know it. Raqi, our system's history is one of failure. We have never, ever succeeded at anything we've set out to do. We have lost and been defeated every single time, and it will probably be that way forever. But through all of that, through every heavy blow struck against us, we never stayed kneeling. Our real success has been in the fact that whatever injuries we have sustained, we have always been able to rise from them again."
Raqi's breath caught.
"Do you remember what we used to say?"

"It is right for you to be scared of me, after what I have done. But please, Raqi. Take this out on me; not on yourself! It is not you who deserves to suffer for this; it is me! I am the one who made the mistake here! You have done nothing wrong, so please, I am begging you- do not punish yourself for this! If someone must die for this, let it be me instead!"

"No matter what happens, you won't die."

"We fight, we lose, we fight again; and we sustain injury after injury after injury. There is more scar tissue in us than healthy flesh. Yet despite the pain, we persist. We persist because we have no option but to do so; because even in the depths of despair, death is simply not allowed to us. We are, at the very end, simply too strong to fully break."

smiling; warmth; pain

"It's why you're a phoenix. Because no matter how much you're hurt, you'll always come back to life."

"Please, Raqi... Please do not..."

I... gave up that title, a while ago. I'm not the Firebird any more.

concession

"Maybe you have for now. But this would hardly be the first time we've lost confidence in ourselves, would it? We lose things, and we find them again. I wouldn't be surprised if, some day, you figure out where you left that mantle, and pick it up once again."
Moments passed in silence between them, the only conversation the soft brush of emotion against emotion.
"I'm sure that in the future, terrifying things await you. That affini's wrath will certainly be fierce. Perhaps she even will strip parts of you away, and you will become someone else. But whatever she does to you, you aren't going to die. You will shake and you will quiver, your body will tense up and your mind will scream the moment it approaches; but that tension always lasts for only an instant. And even if it leaves us with a new scar afterwards, we always find that we are still there afterwards."

warmth; softness; love

"It doesn't befit you, after everything you've been through, to give up now."

smiling

"Go on and let her in. Let her help you. You will survive; I'm sure of it."
Raqi turned her gaze towards the door. She hesitated for a moment, imagining what was to come. She expected that the moment she opened it, a storm of leaf and vine would travel through and engulf her, and the last thing she would feel was a faint prick on the neck; then, most likely, it would all be over.
The thought frightened her, but she had what she needed now to overcome it. A faint warmth had returned to her limbs, and with it came a familiar strength. She took in a deep breath and steeled herself for what she knew would be the final time. "Straessa... Unlock and open the door."
The door unlocked with a faint 'click.' Then, a moment later, it slid open. Raqi's form tensed, expecting a vine to shoot through the opening at any moment-
. . .
. . .
. . .
-but the door slid fully open, and nothing came through. In fact, Raqi could not even see anything through her limited view of the door. It seemed as if the hallway behind it was empty.
She started to frown-
There was a noise like foliage moving, but she still couldn't see anything. Raqi's confusion grew to such an extent that her fear was momentarily forgotten, and she took a step to the side, trying to get a better view of what was causing the noise-
Her mouth fell open.
On the ground was a small ball of leaves and a few flowers. It resembled nothing as much as an out of place shrub from a garden centre. The ball was barely as large as Raqi's torso; so small that she had not been able to see it from over her bed. It had barely any vines at all, and what ones it did were a sickly green-yellow in colour. They fell limply around its sides, emerging from a pulsating yellow-green organ at its centre. As she watched, they moved forwards one by one, pulling it slowly across the ground towards her.
"P-" Raqi's voice cracked. "Punica?"
"Raqi!" An unfamiliar voice emanated from the centre of the shrubbery. "Raqi! Oh, thank the Everbloom you are alright!"
The multilayered effect that was normally present in Punica's voice was conspicuously absent as she spoke. Instead of seven or eight different voices overlaid above and beneath each other, she now sounded almost akin to an ordinary Terran as she spoke.
Before either of them could say anything else, the remaining vines in the bush shot out towards Raqi, extending further than she would have thought they were capable of. As they wrapped around her back, the xenosophont noticed they lacked the iron-like strength that they normally possessed. A second later, she felt them pull on her, and the mass of foliage that was Punica dragged itself over to her; pulling her partially down from the force. The two met half-way, Raqi collapsing down onto the edge of her bed, and Punica clambering up onto and spreading out across the surface. Every vine that she still had found its way onto Raqi's body, and within moments, the affini's core had positioned itself on her lap.
Raqi expected to feel the same overwhelming warmth that had stripped her of her thoughts earlier, but Punica's core felt cold to the touch. The pulsating light emanating from its centre was weak, and it seemed to beat at a slow, sickly pace.
"Inos..." Her voice came out at a whisper. "Punica, what-"
"No, please- do not worry for me." The vines curled around her back tensed, and she felt the core surge with heat for a split second. "This- this does not matter. What matters is that you are safe. I-" Punica rumbled, and this time, Raqi could feel the way it moved through her core. It transmitted directly into her body, and for a moment, she felt a sadness dozens of times deeper than that which she had been saddled with coursing through her. "I am so sorry, my dear. This should never, ever have happened. I- I wish I could do more to comfort you, to- to make this right, but I cannot."
Raqi didn't know what to feel. She had been so afraid at first, but now that she was seeing Punica like this, it was difficult to remain frightened.
"I am just... so glad that you are okay." Punica's voice was was small and quiet; weak in a way that Raqi could never have imagined her sounding. "I... I feared that you would think what happened was your fault, and harm yourself because of it."
Her heart lurched. Before Punica's arrival, she had been mere moments away from doing exactly that. Does- Does she know that? Could she tell that I was about to-?
"Please, Raqi." Punica's tone changed to what Raqi thought might have been meant to be insistence, but with how feeble she sounded, it came off closer to desperation. "Please. Do not blame yourself for this. None of this is your fault."
Raqi's face quivered. "How can I not, Punica? I- Look at you..." She felt herself losing control of her emotions again. "I- I did it again. I've done this to- to so many people before. N-never physically before, but..."
"Raqi." Punica squeezed tighter with what little strength she had left. "Raqi, please- please listen to me. You have done me no harm. I mean this in all-" The plant's voice cut out momentarily, the sound being replaced with what sounded like wood grating against wood. It took her a few seconds before she was able to resume talking. "I mean it. This is nothing. I- I will heal from this. I am an affini, these sorts of injuries-" 
"Punica, don't act as if this is nothing!" Raqi raised her voice, but there was no anger in it. Instead, she was distraught. "You're- I know what happens when an affini gets this severely injured! Y- You're going to have to rebloom, aren't you?!"
There was a moment of silence. As Raqi watched, something akin to a shiver seemed to run down Punica's remaining vines. "Yes."
Raqi's jaw immediately began quivering. "H-how? H-how did I- did I hurt you that much? Y-you- You were out in space for minutes, and you didn't die! H-how did getting put in a block of ice do this to you?!"
Sympathy radiated outwards from the core into Raqi's body, but it was nowhere near strong enough to curb the waves of guilt that were crashing over her. "It very nearly did. The vast majority of the damage to my form, I accrued at that time. The ice was - as Terrans put it - merely the straw that broke the horse's back." Even without a face or even a head, Raqi could feel Punica smiling at her. "It is alright. If you know what reblooming is, then you know that in time, I will be able to go back to normal."
"But... But I thought that affini change each time they rebloom. You-" The words caught in her throat. "You're going to be different after you rebloom, a-aren't you?"
"Raqi, my petal, my flower- I promise you-" The core pushed itself even closer into her lap. "Whatever becomes of me after I rebloom, I will still be me. I will not lose the parts of me that make me who I am."
"How do you know?!" Raqi howled, tears again starting to stream down her face. "Y-you're a first bloom! You've never rebloomed before! H-how do I know you w-won't become a completely different person?!" Arms reached down and wrapped around the core, pulling it closer. "I- I don't- I don't want to lose someone else. P-please, Punica, don't go away from me."
"Raqi... Oh, my dear, dear Raqi..." Punica wished dearly in that moment that she had something to inject Raqi with, but every one of her injectors had been left behind in the ice. There was no way for her to save them; even if she had thawed one out, none of the stored chemicals would have survived being frozen. "Please... Please do not be afraid. I am not going to leave you. I would never, ever leave you."
But even as she spoke the words, some of the leaves fell off of her form, and drifted onto the floor. The sight made Raqi's throat hitch, and a moment later, she broke into open sobbing.
"Please," she pleaded. "D-don'ht go. Dohnt go please."
"I am not going." Punica wanted to shout, wanted to scream, but her vocal apparatus was failing. With every word, she could feel her stems cracking, cell walls collapsing and fibre starting to withering away. "I promise you, Raqi. I am not going anywhere! It- Reblooming takes at most a few days! I will be back after that, and-"
"Pleeeasseee." Raqi shook her head from side to side. "I don't want- I don't want another version of you. I-I-I want you- t-the one that's here now. Please- please don't change! Please... Please!" She could barely speak through the tears and the sobbing. "Pplease don't make me lohse you as well. Ii've already losst everyone ellsee, I don't-"
Punica felt the last of her strength give out, and the fluid in her grafts ceased flowing. Immediately, the light coming in through her photoreceptors began to dim, the image of Raqi's face starting to fade away.
She had only moments left. She couldn't let it end like this. Not without-
"I love you, Raqi. No matter in what ways I change, that will always be-"
Punica's voice trailed off. A moment later, her body ceased moving.

---

Raqi felt something- or more accurately, the absence of something. Her gaze shot downwards towards the core, and she watched as all at once, the foliage around it began to fall. The vines on her back went limp and fell down from her back onto the bed, as every one of Punica's leaves began turning yellow, then brown, and then falling. Her core itself had stopped pulsating. The light from inside of it gradually receded, until it had been reduced into a dull green pinprick at the very centre of the orb. Then, it vanished entirely.
All of a sudden, the room felt silent in a way it never had before. It took Raqi a moment to realise why. For the first time since she had met Punica, there was no longer a song in her ears.
She stared dumbly down at the inert sphere resting upon her lap, watching as the last bits of foliage fell off of it.
"Pu... Punica..."
There was no reply.
A moment passed, and Raqi began to cry again.

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A L E R T : : t h o u g h t f o r m s_d e t e c t e d

I D : : N/A

Show list of previous thoughtforms

TerraTranslate :: Raqi Marr :: Punica Granatum :: The Affini Compact :: Landamar Mobile Fleet :: Hormone Replacement Therapy :: The Chimera Module :: Affini :: Intersidera :: Posters :: Magnesium :: Wonderland :: The Hundredth Time: Part I :: Communication :: aftermath :: Physical Confrontation :: Garments :: Interspecies Comparisons :: Touch :: Equality :: Hypnokink :: Speaking :: ahftrojn,lpijmnhfkg :: Pretheya :: Magic :: scared :: Materas Marr ::

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