Game Quotes

We're funny!

Between-the-Games

"You know that Garrus is connected directly to my eyeballs!!" - Stick
"It's not the nut ice cream. I'm sure there are ice creams that nut harder." - Stick
"Edmond is making up names of groups of animals..." - Tek
"A basket of ducks. A tumultuation of squid. ...A sports-club of chipmunks!" - Edmond
"Everything is built on silt, stilts... and guilt!" - New Lockhinge motto?
"You're grounded!! Move out!!" - Tek's mom
"--Wait, are you saying now that there is evolution in D&D??" - Red
"Yes?" - Stick
"NO." - Red
"Why n--" - Stick
"Because!! I don't want to have to think about the evolutionary path of centaurs, okay?? I don't want to have to think about how that happened. I don't want to imagine... like... top half is Australopithecus and bottom like Mesohippus or some shit..." - Red
"So... the big fashion festival was last week…" - Zaven
"Absolutely not. What was the one thing that said when you first asked about getting involved with that boy?" - Zaven's Mom
"Sigh… You can only date a lord of Lockhinge if you don't use temporal magic to go back in time to attend cultural events." - Zaven
"I was so deep in Remmy land through that whole game. You're not trapped in here with me, I'm trapped in here with me!" - Stick
"Dang! I finally found the note about Ruvain's band name. They were the Raccoon-eyed Swamp Sluts." - Red
"They had to change their name for copyright reasons, but true fans know their origins." - Stick
"Downside is that was a great name. The upside is I can now buy their merch for a 13-year-old." - Tek
"He self-defensed three skeletons to death." - Stick
"I got a Calm Emotions in the back. The good shit. With misspellings on the label and everything." - Gost
"--Wait. This is very important. If it says 'Clam Emotions,' it's not a misspelling. Do not drink it." - Tek
"...Shit. Well, that does explain a very weird night I had last week." - Gost
"He glances up at you through his... I almost said 'beard.'" - Red
"His eye-beard." - Stick
"Ah, yes. This is definitely a casserole couple." - Red
"I'm hoping that will butter her up. If she's even... butterable??" - Stick
"What do you know about Eliphina?" - Remmy
"The bartender?" - Jefan
"Yeah." - Remmy
"She's... the bartender." - Jefan
"...Wow, you really are gay." - Remmy
"So, I assume you know about Eliphina." - Remmy
"...What about Eliphina?" - Nyci
"..." - Remmy
"..." - Roots
"..." - Nyci
"...Roots, do you have Modify Memory?" - Remmy
"If anyone tries to hit Remmy for 14, I'm obligated to say that it's their magical corset that saves them." - Stick
"So, Remmy, how did the big job go?" - Tek
"I spent money to go yell at some gnomes." - Remmy
"Human children will mow your lawn for money, lizard folk children will eat your rats." - Red
"Canon." - Stick
"Yelp is just a Kenku that you pull on its feather and it yelps, repeating the thing that you said loudly." - Stick, breathing new canon life into her game
"Boy, he just can't hit this bandit." - Stick
"Oh good, then you did create a good Garrus proxy." - Red
"...I feel so attacked." - Garrus
"That guy didn't." - Red
"Gost has a +2 to Constitution and +3 to Strength." - Stick
"Oh holy shit, so he--" - Red
"He's a fuck-machine." - Stick
"You can always travel by foot. A horse can die, a cart can fall apart, but as long as you have healing potion and some arch support, you can walk anywhere!" - Remmy
"What does your character do to put himself to bed every night?" - Stick
"His friends." - Red
"Oh. That was easy." - Stick
"So is he." - Red
"--What I'm saying is that the apple doesn't fall far from the blowjob tree." - Red, making a very important point
"What animal would each of them be, and what is the first thing they would do upon realizing that they're an animal?" - Red
"Fuck the other goat." - Gost
"..." - Everyone
"It's all smoke and mirrors. And push-ups." - Gost
"Who needs deception when you got deez nuts? Let's go." - Gost
"--Isn't then, by extension, your voice just a lung-violin?? Don't fuck with me, mortal." - Beekeeper Jack
"'Ass-candle,' that's a good exclamation." - Red
"You ass-candle!" - Remmy
"Aaagh!! Ass... candle!!" - Tek
"That guy went head over ass-candle." - Edmond
"That's definitely what Remmy's booty-shorts would say." - Red
"...Which: 'Beauty is Pain,' or 'Floor Meat?'" - Stick
"Between Shirt-Fucker, Blowjob Tree, and Use-Your-Words over here..." - Stick
"Yeah, he had a feeling that he wasn't Treasure's type." - Stick
"Treasure's motto is 'Cloaca or No-aca!'" - Red
"Oh no, don't worry... I only cheat against the illiterate." - Tek, during hypothetical Scrabble
"If I can't beat you, I'll destroy you." - Edmond, while ruining Tek's best word in hypothetical Scrabble
"You gotta sing it in the back of your throat." - Stick
"I think you need tonsils for that sound. They removed my Bonnie Tyler glands." - Red
"So help me, I will throw out this entire campaign and make it 100% about [insert Feywild/Edmond/Gnolls here]!!!" - Stick, every couple of weeks
"Would you fuck a bee?? I didn't think so!" - Eladrin
"Sinner, sinner, chicken dinner!" - Stick
"The Bandit-per-square-mile ratio is insane." - Lady Thriyan, about Blindwater
"I'm an Eight! Do at me!!" - Tek
"I need to remember that Garrus has a tail! And he's a protection fighter! I need to remember that Garrus is a protection fighter with a tail!!" - Stick
"I need to remember that he sometimes wears a shirt. Also, you need to remember that he's made out of rock." - Red
"Fuck!!" - Stick
"It's that 'we're not so different, you and I' part that's evil." - Stick
"That's just philosophy." - Red
"--Which is evil." - Stick
"Oh, hmm. You're probably right." - Red
"--Because if I make a move then he'll say no and then I'll just be dirt! I'm gonna live with the worms!!"- Remmy
"...Boy, you have got to stop drinking this late at night." - Garrus
"Remmy gets to another city like, 'Your tieflings wear shirts here??'" - Stick
"What do you call a very pretty crocodile covered in sand?" - Tek
"...What?" - Remmy
"..." - Tek
"...Buried Treasure. :> " - Tek
"..." - Remmy
Beats Tek to death - Remmy
Red: it's 12:24am and the phrase "Binge-dying" suddenly enters my head.
"Hey, how was your adventuring this weekend?" - Someone
"Oh, you know. Did some exploring, did some binge-dying..." - Probably us
"I may not be able to show my face, but I have worked up to being able to show my ass." - Joke-Edmond
"--Wait until we get to half-orcs; then you'll see chicken salad!!" - Stick yelling about fantasy racism? Or something??
"It won't be the first time I've fucked a statue, but it will be the best." - Tek, about that crystal dick
"Garrus 'Really Good Friends' Grey." - Kink meme
"Tekhetsio 'Wants To Be Fuck Buddies With The Whole World' Thriyan." - Kink meme
"Remmy 'Around-the-house Masturbator' Sullivan." - Kink meme
"I'm just thinking. Just thinking about life and glitter." - Stick
"Garrus!! Get over here and put your balls in this trap!!" - Tek
"My favorite friends are the friends-with-benefits kind." - Gost
"--Right??" - Tek
"Wow. You really jumped on that fast." - Gost
"Hey, I like jumping on my friends." - Tek
"Nice." - Gost
"I could disguise myself as a male tiefling... Though if I do that, I don't know if you'd be able to control yourself." - Edmond
"Oh, hm. That's a good point." - Tek, his hand ALREADY down Edmond's pants
"He doesn't know if he can give a good handjob, but he does know that he can give a good mage-handjob." - Stick about Zaven
"...What?? Piety is hot, okay??" - Garrus
"You're dating him?? How did that even happen?" - Remmy
"I dunno. I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner and he said yes?" - Gost
"What the fuck..." - Remmy
"I mean. I went out with him too..." - Zaven
"You too?? How??" - Remmy
"I... asked him if he wanted to go out..." - Zaven
"Fuck! ...Okay, Edmond, what's your secret?" - Remmy
"I told him that I liked him and asked if he wanted to go on a date." - Edmond
"FUCK! Why do people keep saying that??" - Remmy
"He knows exactly how many muscles Tek has." - Stick
"Wow, Garrus." - Tek
"No one will know how old Fantasy Spencer is until--" - Stick
"--They're cut down and we count their rings." - Red
"--They harvest enough souls to escape." - Stick
"What?" - Red
"...What?" - Stick
"What did you say??" - Red
"What did YOU say??" - Stick
"I'm here for the mecha-lobster! You'll never have to work again." - Tek
"Wonderful! I'll go tell little Salami!" - Saladan
"Salami Saladan... is your other child named Caesar?" - Tek
"...Excuse me while I go rename my children!" - Saladan
"We can play a little Dungeons and Dragons. Little dungeons, small dragons." - Stick
"...We'll call it Basements and Lizards!" - Red
"Hey, baby... what's your size class?" - While discussing the only measurement that matters in D&D
"Excuse you... I am a multi-faceted idiot, thank you very much." - Tek
"...Well, I didn't know this was a kink, but I never want to take this off." - Garrus
"He's down to clown. As a clown." - Stick
"We're putting you under house arrest" - Lady Thriyan
"Aww man, that's the grown-up version of being grounded." - Tek
"Jack doesn't lie. He just puts his truths behind a paywall." - Stick
"What is the weirdest job they would be willing to do?" - Red
"Pigeon cleaner." - Stick
"Pigeon cleaner?? Who is cleaning pigeons?" - Red
"Remmy." - Stick
"Why??" - Red
"Because they’re fuckin’ dirty." - Remmy
"...I mean…" - Red
"How would Remmy like their eggs?" - Red
"Hard boiled. You can shove like eight of those bad boys in your pockets. And if they're still warm? You got yourself a nice little hand warmer." - Remmy
"...Remmy why do you smell like eggs...?" - Everyone
“You ask my mom how old she is. I dare you.” - Tek
“He would. Because he knows no fear. Then he does, and he begins to know fear.” - Stick
“Oh! You’re level 17! My mistake... so sorry. You don’t look a day over level 12.” - Beekeeper Jack
"This fuckin' laptop... no! You load that tab and I'll break it off!" - Red
"Grung: enlightenment instead of enfightenment. 8)" - Red's reminder text

Third Time's the Charm

"Justice for shrubs!" - Tek
"SHRUB JUSTICE!" - Animated Shrub
"...Do you take gold teeth?" - Tek, to a merchant
"That should just be the tagline of this whole adventure." - Red
"That happened okay." - Remmy
"Thank you so much, if there's anything at all that I can do to--" - Adwin
"--A room, actually. The nice one, with the big bath." - Tek

Dues for the Dead

"Little Jeh'ri slowly shuffles out, sure that Little Jeh'ri's last day... is today." - Stick
"One soccer kick and there go all of Little Jeh'ri's bones!" - Jeh'ri
"I hate crypts. You know what's down there? Dust." - Tek
"Yuck!!" - Tek, many times in the catacombs
"And Little Jeh'ri spends his bonus action cowering." - Stick
"Don't look a gift... skull...? In the mouth?" - Jeh'ri

Lockhinge Interlude

"Sir, we have a lobby goblin. ... A lobblin." - Reception
"Not again..." - Manager
"No shoes, no shirt, no kinkshaming." - The sign above Fantasy Spencer's
"Garrus doesn't have anyone to talk to about his moral quandaries. I mean, his options range from 'chaotic neutral' to 'Jeh'ri.'" - Stick
"Remmy stares into the punchbowl abyss..." - Stick
"They stare into the abyss, and the abyss has wine in it." - Red
"I have disadvantage on a lot of things right now, and one of them is giving a fuck!" - Remmy

A Night of Masks and Monsters

"I'm sure the titty tassels will still be here when we get back, Tek." - Remmy
"I guess I'll just try to keep an eye out for poison... knives... Ooo, little cakes!" - Remmy
"Which kind of fortune would you like? The crystal ball, or the tarot?" -Giorgia
"Let's do a little bit of both. Cover all the bases. I also have this plate of chicken wings to eat, so..." - Tek
"Hey, what do you do?" - Tek
"Uuuh..." - Jasna
"Because you're about to become a Sidekick, bitch!" - Tek
"Do you have any, like, skills? Are you punchy? You got any spells?" - Tek
"Uh... On a scale of one to Wizard, I'm at about... a Monk?" - Jasna

Swamp Pilgrimage

"Half-soft, half-dragon, all mess." - Stick, about Remmy
"Can I... sneak attack the wind?" - Red
"This may be the worst DM call in history, but... Yes... You can sneak attack the wind..." - Stick

Monster Parade

To sum up the nobles party, "There are not enough wine coolers in the world to make this better."
"I'm! Twelve! Gold! Richeeerrr!" - Drunk Tek wins the bet on a drinking contest.
"There's plenty of people to distract him. 1d6 full of people to distract him." - Stick
"Let's just flip this whole game over. Turn it into a game of Where's Edmond instead of Where's Waldo. 'Where in the World is Carmen San Di-Edmond.'" - Stick
"Hi, I'm Garrus, and I know, like, two...? Positions...?" - Stick
Stick, suddenly out of dead silence, "Is their ship name 'Tedmond??'"
"Oh yeah, there are fireworks... There are poppers, cracklers, sprinklers, sparklers... Dinglers, donglers..." - Stick
"We sell those!" - Fantasy Spencer
"There are all kinds of things to win. There are big, inflatable balls... and there are big inflatable balls..." - Stick
"Fuck, guys we're still within earshot of Fantasy Spencer's." - Tek
"Edmond carefully unwraps his stupid packet, pulls out the sticky-hand, and... Immediately snaps it towards Remmy." - Stick
"Tek holds onto Edmond and barely restrains himself from saying 'I love you.' right there." - Red
"Edmond puts on the disguise glasses... over his mask. And just laughs to himself. And then Garrus looks over and laughs at Edmond, who's wearing a mask, wearing a disguise." - Stick
"And Tek laughs at Edmond wearing a mask, wearing a disguise, underneath which he's wearing a face he can change at any moment, and is living a life of lies. Tek laughs a few seconds longer than everyone else." - Red
"But not as long as Edmond." - Stick
"Feelings are hard. And so is he." - Red
"Remmy opens the door to yell at them to drink water, because Remmy can't love without yelling." - Stick
"There are dicks and mugs, and mugs with dicks on them, dicks with mugs on them..." - Stick
"Mugs shaped like dicks--" - Red
"--Those are called Fleshlights." - Spencer
"He can play the bagpipes but he doesn't have darkvision." - Stick
"Dominatrix with buffs reserved for certain clientele-- 'dungeon masters,' if you will." - Spencer
"And this is an immoveable rod, it does exactly what you think it does... and it's immoveable." - Spencer
"You can dodge Flower or dodge dildos, but you can't dodge both." - Stick
"Well, you haven't tried to turn into a potion bottle, have you?" - Tek
"No, I can't turn into a potion bottle." - Edmond
"But you haven't tried before." - Tek
"...I just did." - Edmond
"Either catch up, find a cleric, or lower your standards." - Tek
"Oh my god, Edmond bought sex rope..." - Red
"Have you tried talking to him?" - Garrus
"...Does panicking at each other while really drunk count?" - Tek
During a wild-magic pie eating contest, Remmy suddenly turns into a goat. Tek looks at Garrus in horror. Garrus looks at Tek in horror. There is a long, awful silence as the goat continues chewing on those pies, until Garrus slowly, hesitantly reaches forward to cast Guidance on the goat.
"Well, I HAD to refill my wine glass because I needed something to wash my pills down with!" - Stick
"A tail is not a limb and neither are nipples." - Red
"Yeah, he'd visit Flower. He's into the low hanging fruit right now." - Red
"And it is low." - Stick
"Actually, it's usually a little high." - Red
"Edmond did bad on his watch... But that's probably because he was giving Tek a handjob or something." - Stick
A few minutes later...
"Garrus also does bad on his watch." - Stick
"Oh yeah? Whatchu doin' out there, Garrus?" - Tek
"...Praying." - Garrus
"Topping from the bottom now we're here?" - Red
"This is terrible adventuring rope; we're going to slip and fall to our deaths. You know you need to tie very specific knots with this, right?" - Joke-Tek
"I'll take a workshop." - Joke-Edmond
"Edmond's going through his spell list like, 'Dissonant Whispers won't help...'" - Stick
"Well, if I jump through my own window, that would give me an excuse to miss lunch." - Joke-Tek
"Does this mean we have to keep one-upping each other on amazing and I guess death-defying dates?" - Tek, to Edmond
"It's not a death wish, it's a near-death wish" - Either Tek or Edmond, does it really matter?
"HAIL SATAN--I mean, the parade starts." - Stick
"Gods are just spicy, powerful men." - Stick
"You do wake up the next morning, much to your dismay." - Stick
"Tek is actually awake first this time. He can gaze at Edmond while he's sleeping like, 'He's so beautiful when he--'" - Stick
"--I could kill him so easily right now." - Tek
"Okay." - Stick

The Search for Spring

"These marsh deer have equal opportunity antlers." - Red
"Hey! Jeh'ri, you can ride on Treasure." - Tek
"No thanks." - Jeh'ri
"You sure?" - Tek
"I've never been more sure of anything in my life." - Jeh'ri
"I've never had many people to corraberate with. Is... is that how that word goes?" - Jeh'ri
"You were so close. To two different words." - Tek
“Are you the stable hand or do you run--” - Tek
“Yeah, I can run.” - Sniffles
“--No. I. Do you run the stable.” - Tek
“Oh. Yeah. I’m the new owner.” - Sniffles
"Should we check in right away with Adwin or... I gotta respect the fiction. He goes to the bar first." - Red
“She has a bodyguard. He’s chiseled. You imagine he exists to carry her over puddles and beat up anyone who tries to attack her.” - Stick
"Will this vest be an adult size?" - Merch clerk
"Hmm. Is she technically an adult...?" - Tek
"Ah, this is for a teenager--?" - Merch clerk
"--A crocodile." - Tek
"Oh." - Merch clerk
"And what is your address?" - Merch clerk
"Lockhinge. The castle." - Tek
"...Oh." - Merch clerk
“Jeh’ri’s a fancy goblin now.” - Jeh’ri, while bouncing on the bed and hiccuping
"Oh my god a lord came in here and he gave me fifty million dollars for a vest for a crocodile and he wanted it in teal?? What the fuck is teal??" - Poor shop owner on the phone with their manager
"I'm not an animal person. But I'm REALLY not a people person." - Tek
"Good luck. And just remember... I don't have an anecdote." - Talking bear
"I will leave you in their capable hands. Which are little paws." - Blue deer about a talking squirrel
"I'm not an expert. I'm just a squirrel." - Trish
"No shoes, no shirt." - Motto of Feywild
"You saw a gentleman manatee." - Stick
"Excuse you. Gentlemanatee." - Red
"I think Trish and Kaitsyl would get along well." - Tek
"Hey, Kaitsyl's a happily married woman." - Remmy
"Excuse you, I meant as friends! Where the hell is your mind?" - Tek
"Look, we were just talking about jizz flowers, what do you want from me?" - Remmy
"Hey, get off my... stalk." - Remmy, who had grown an eyestalk
"It's a cute tail. You're starting to look like a Beanie Baby, but..." - Joke-Garrus about Tek's crocodile tail
"You have acquired one robin orb. And one spiderclimb crocodile." - Stick
"Hey, I'm not going to let my guard down. I'm not going to like... eat Corner Pear over there or anything." - Remmy
"Gavin Desantis." - Stick
"Gavin Monsanto." - Red
"Gavin Dasani." - Stick
"Ooo, I feel fancy drinking this one." - Tek
"Oh, good. I had to kill an entire family of scholars to make that one." - Jack, probably joking
"Ah, that explains the lovely reddish color." - Tek, probably joking
"I forgot that Jack has a big seeping hole in his chest." - Red
"It's fine. It's better. Don't make fun of his seeping hole." - Stick
"Wow." - Red
"You come into his house?? Drink his mead?? Dance with his flowers?? Fuck you! He will!" - Stick about Jack
"Many things have come up since then... including Tek." - Stick
"Aaand there's the first the first quote of the evening!" - Red
"And then you faced your greatest challenge... Some stairs." - Stick
"Oh. I thought you were going to say the scary shadow guys." - Red
"Nope!" - Stick
“You are the end of this Schrodinger’s Garrus.” - Red
"Your blowjobs don’t grow on trees? How terrible. No wonder you all tolerate each other so much.” - Joke-Jack
“They don’t have blowjob trees?? Oh no!” - Joke-Dryads
"Is that an orb in your pocket or are you j--" - Tek
"Yes. It is." - Remmy
"You walk away with your prize none the poisonder!" - Stick
"Guy couldn't hit the broad side of a paladin..." - Stick, about NegaGarrus
"A sword! A man's weapon!" - Sir Diggory
"I find that offensive, but..." - Tek
"I'm very old!" - Sir Diggory
"I can't say 'to first blood', so... to first dinging sound!" - Sir Diggory
"It's weirdly easy to get back to Jack's house, almost as if something is guiding you there. Almost like you are being pulled there--" - Stick
"--by my tummy. :3" - Red
"...Yes. By your tummy." - Stick
"Are those his friends or his accessories?" asked Tek, the hypocrite.
"I like big buttresses and I cannot lie!" - Tek and/or Remmy
"If you're not playing D&D with a sentient daffodil named Daffy in your game, you're not doing it right." - Stick
"I'd cover you in flowers if it wouldn't mean decapitating people." - Tek
"Um." - Remmy
"Why did you do this to me, me?" - Stick
"Hey. You sorceled, bro?" - No one
"This branch-lookin' motherfucker..." - Stick about Jack
"It's like getting a hug from a friend... who also wants to fight you a little bit." - Stick
"That is how you would describe really good mead." - Red
“Wow, I haven’t climbed a tree naked and blindfolded since my last year of school.” - Tek
“Aside from your beautiful coat of feathers… how are you doing?” - Tek to Garrus
“Yeah, I’m worried, but like, casual-worried.” - Remmy
“I have never known you to be casual-worried in your entire life.” - Tek
“Yeah-huh, I have!” - Remmy
Tek looks at Garrus. Garrus gives a “so-so” hand wiggle.
“...I also just really like mead and I might die from not knowing.” - Tek
“You might die from trying.” - Jack
“It is a risk.” - Tek
“Remmy takes psychic damage from watching Tek throw away 25 gold's worth of component pouch.” - Stick
“Are you a part-time party planner or something?” - Tek
“Look, there is a great deal of effort and planning that goes into... Ugh. Yes.” - Jack
“This is Tek’s greatest challenge. THIS IS TEK’S GREATEST CHALLENGE. WHO LET A HEDONIST INTO THE FEYWILD??” - Red
“See? Swimming blindfolded with a bunch of naked people worked out in our favor.” - Tek
“I wish I could argue you...” - Remmy
“Yes, they look like miniature unicorns with wings.” - Spring Queen
“They have wings?? What kind?” - Tek
“Horsefly wings.” - Queen
Red seethes with rage.
“So, we tie him up… gag him… maybe blindfold him… Ugh, Tek, stop thinking gross things.” - Remmy
“...But how else are we going to?” - Tek
“Oh my god… No, no!" - Remmy
"How else??" - Tek
"I hate that I’m agreeing with this! I HATE THAT YOU’RE RIGHT!” - Remmy
“I probably just need a vacation.” - Tek says, in the middle of his vacation
“Touche… Not that I know what that word means.” - Jack
“No, it’s spelled differently here.” - Tek
“Ah yes, ‘tucci.’” - Jack
“Wow, yeah you look naked without the feathers now.” - Tek
“Okay.” - Garrus.
“You look less huggable. And somehow less shiny?” - Tek
“Remmy, do I look less huggable?” - Garrus
“No, just… less soft? Yeah, less snuggly maybe. You were very soft” - Remmy
“At least I’m less conspicuous.” - Garrus, sarcastic
“Yeah, maybe you’ll pass your stealth checks now.” - Remmy
“...I am so happy right now.” - Tek
“I love how the biggest, toughest decisions of this character's life are always sex decisions.” - Stick, about Tek
“‘Dear Edmond,’ is the new ‘XOXO, Garrus.’” - Red
“Tek is enjoying someone being in love with him.” - Red
“Yeah, Gavin would do anything for him, at this point.” - Stick
“Oh, he’s gonna.” - Red
“Remmy’s out of there like a bullet… or a frog?” - Stick, master narrator
“This is our life now. Talking to bugs isn’t weird anymore.” - Remmy
“You brought Gavin back with both legs, which was nice.” - Jack
“I almost didn’t. But I figured whatever was going to happen to him would happen less if there was less of him to happen to.” - Tek
“Well said!” - Jack
“Aah! I found his coin purse!” - Remmy
“Was it next to his coin purse?” - Tek
“Aauuugh, yes it was!” - Remmy
“Beekeeper, Treekeeper, Birdcatcher, fuck!” - Stick
"So, Birdkeeper. Nope. I meant Treecatcher. Damnit." - Stick
"--And then you have Garrus, the walking god-museum." - Stick
"You pull one fox-deer out of a wall and look where it gets you!" - Tek
“Last time on the Lockhinge Chronicles… the party murdered a man.” - Stick
“Wow. That’s a flavor to kick things off with.” - Red
“Yes it is.” - Stick
“Hey, if lizard-people can be wizard-people, then gnolls can be… I can’t rhyme a class with ‘gnoll.’” - Red
“See, you can’t trust a paladin.” - Tek
“I just drew really well.” Garrus
“Oh, so it’s just a sword you can’t draw well.” - Tek
“And then the two small ones, the Booster-Seat Boys--” - Stick
“Don't make me get good at dice! I hate dice. There’s so much math… I pay Remmy to do my math!” - Tek
“Jeh’riiiii… Cast mending, Jeh’ri… Can you still cast magic, Jeh’ri?” - Tek
“I can if you quit movin’.” - Jeh’ri
“I’m just made of meat.” - Tek
“You have blood!” - Remmy
“Yeah, but its not even a cool color.” - Tek
“But you’re a cool color!” - Remmy
“That would have been day one for me!” - Tek
“Day one, I fell down a mountain.” - Garrus
“... That would have been day fifteen for me!” - Tek
“I haven’t had a normal day in 900 years.” - Garrus
“Tek casually handwalks while wasted.” - Red
“While Remmy and Garrus fall into each other like a couple of assholes.” - Stick
“Kaitsyl offers to call Oober, the cart driver.” - Red
“Do we bust in through the window??” - Remmy
“No, of course not! Don’t be stupid! ...We use lockpicks.” - Tek
“Shh… Remmy is asleep.” - Garrus
“They’ll be fine.” - Tek
“Squig and Jeh’ri are asleep.” - Garrus
“Tek shuts right up.” - Red

Lockhinge Interlude II

“Welcome back to D&D! I’m going to need you all to make Constitution saving throws.” - Stick
“Surprisingly, Garrus is not the worst person at Sleight-of-Hand.” - Stick
“Really?? You’d never guess it with his Stealth rolls.” - Red
“He is also not the best person at Sleight-of-Hand.” - Stick
“Jeh’ri knows how to fish with his hands!” - Jeh’ri
“Want to learn how to fish with a stick?” - Tek
“Why not fish with hands?” - Jeh’ri
“Can you swim?” - Tek
“Little Jeh’ri gets swept away by currents very easily.” - Jeh’ri
“Let me rephrase. Are you better at swimming, or standing on dry land with a stick in your hand?” - Tek
“I’m beginning to see your point.” - Jeh’ri
“Are you a circus??” - Halflings
“Well, we did just buy part of one!” - Tek
"Do it! Insight Check your mom!!" - Stick
“Some stains are made into law.” - Tek
“I made out with… someone made out with that statue over there.” - Tek
“Ah. I could see how you--” - Garrus
“--Someone.” - Tek
“I could see how someone would do something like that.” - Garrus
“This is more embarrassing than I thought it was going to be. I’ve fought in so many gory battles, but I’m nervous about asking a hobgoblin if I can join their ballgame.” - Garrus
“That shot was hotter than I was expecting. And mean.” - Garrus
“Like me.” - Tek
“Haha, yeah watch, Garrus turns out to be a Twicefell… oh shit, that’s actually really good.” - Stick
“...Oh shit.” - Red
“OH SHIT.” - Stick
“...OH SHIT!” - Red
“OH SHIT. OH SHIT THAT’S REALLY GOOD!!” - Stick
“And I’m trying not to offend…” - Garrus
“Uh oh.” - Tek
“I’m trying not to offend, but I think maybe he was speaking a language you understand.” - Garrus
“...Yeah, see, I wasn’t offended until you led with that.” - Tek
“From now on, Edmond is going to refer to banging as ‘dance lessons.’” - Stick
“--Yes, I do think it's about time to give you another dance lesson.” - Tek
“--I can’t, I have dance lessons later.” - Edmond
“--Why am I so tired? Long dance lesson last night.” - Tek
“--Oh yes, those late-night dance lessons are so nice. It’s quiet, no one is around…” - Edmond
“Yeah it’s really a matter of putting the chicken before the horse, you know? ...YOU HEARD ME.” - Red
“Keep an open eye out. Maybe also an open mind… don’t look like that.” - Garrus
“I’m just really bad at both of those things!!” - Tek
“Well, I’m glad you stole it… Yeah, that hurt me to say. Ow.” - Garrus
“I want Bharmy to throw me a gladiator fight.” - Tek
“I heard ‘throw me!’” - Bharmy
“Garrus knows you’re a cheating whore.” - Stick
“Hey! ...He prefers the term ‘cheating mistress of the night.’” - Red
“This is a reminder that crying is a free action.” - Stick
“Aw, did you forget to tie your shoelaces before battle? I bet you wish you’d grabbed more javelins, huh? Were you that sure that you weren’t going to hit me with them? In that case, you should have left your sword too.” - Tek, with Vicious Mockery
“...You are trying to cast a spell, right? You’re not just being mean?” - Garrus
“Maybe dance lessons would help with that.” - Tek
“How?” - Garrus
“It would make you a little more deft, a little more sure on your feet…” - Tek
“...Are you inviting me to dance lessons?” - Garrus
“Yes. But I’m also making fun of you for falling.” - Tek
“Let’s see what your mom’s Constitution-- JESUS CHRIST, LADY you are hard to poison!!” - Stick
“I don’t care if it won’t be edible afterwards, come over here and set a dessert on fire.” - Tek
“You in your infinite wisdom.” - Tek
“That is technically true… it is a zero.” - Lady Thriyan
“Unfortunately, our feet are not the same size. And neither are yours.” - Tek to Remmy
“I wanted to invite Pie Snake to the big party, but…” - Tek
“Pretty sure that guy isn’t allowed to drink anymore.” - Remmy
“Ah yeah, that’s why he’s called ‘Pie Snake’ and not--” - Tek
“--And not ‘Wine Snake,’ yep.” - Remmy
“Around here you learn to tell the difference between a crocodile hissing, a snake hissing, and a car backfiring.” - Remmy
“One way or another, this party is going to end up on Puppet History.” - Red
“I’m movin’ up in the world! No more eating dirt for me!” - Jeh’ri
“We’ll be honest, we tag-teamed our way in.” - Satin and Velvet
“I mean, do what you’re best at, right?” - Tek
“‘You both seemed to have a… candy-loving spirit,’ he says, trying to not call a Lord of Lockhinge a child.” - Stick
“I don’t like that look that you’re doing with your eyeballs.” - Remmy
“Two people and a glass man teaching a psychic boy how to dance.” - Stick
“I don’t know that because I’m not Remmy. I’m just lying.” - Stick
“It is an honor to play with you and it will be an honor to kick your ass.” - Melis, elderly halfling woman
“I forgot seven was a number.” - Reed
“Happens to the best of us.” - Remmy
“--And the worst. Usually the worst.” - Tek
“I’m too good at this game.” - Aquamarine
“Well, of course. You’re smart and good at rhythm.” - Tek
“Oh, you’re such a charmer.” - Aquamarine
“I’m so charming because I haven’t had much to drink yet because I am also too good at this game.” - Tek
“This game should be called ‘Swords’ because of how bad Garrus is at it.” - Tek
“Wow, you spit all over my cards but didn’t get a single drop on your dress! That’s impressive.” - Tek
“I’m going to go burrow under those pillows and hope no one bangs on me.” - Remmy
“Ooo yeah that is a very real fear.” - Tek
“Ugh, Tek! Can you just not in the main room, please??” - Remmy
“You know I have no control over these things!!” - Tek
“Irregular gnolls! Irregular gnolls!” - Stick

Frozen Depths

"He's naturally gifted at helping plants grow." - Stick
"Really??" - Red
"No." - Stick
"Zaven has a panic attack and that's okay." - Stick
“I'm his favorite.” - Tek
"That's because you're paying him ." - Remmy
“Yep. Paying and feeding him. Thats how I'm friends with you too.” - Tek
“I'm… upset.” - Remmy
"Makes sense that Tek is probably going to go first here, he's got some stupid high bonus to his initiative, like five or something... ah. And it's for a total of nine." - Red
"This coffin is being pulled by two boxes." - Stick
"Tek makes that 'a dishwasher just fell on me' noise." - Red
"He comes charging out of there like a holy freight train." - Stick
"Trample of opportunity??" - Red
"He comes down off of there like a fuckin Skydancer™ from hell and lawnmowers a man in half." - Stick
"I loved the bus attack... it just drained me of all that I had." - Stick
"He's not coming back. There will be no death saves for that guy." - Stick
"That man is in heaven." - Red
"They're not good people but they are good beans." - Stick
"What a good girl, Treasure! Do you have coins in your tummy now? Yes you dooo..." - Tek
"Don't worry, if you do rogue stuff, he won't be able to catch you and you'll win." - Tek
"Sore subject." - Garrus
"I got a poison kit!!" - Remmy
"Technically, so did he." - Tek, pointing at the brewer's kit
"We're poison buddies!!" - Remmy
"You should name it." - Tek
"I want you to know that I already vetoed like four because you'll say they're stupid." - Remmy
"In two seconds??" - Tek
"Yes, one was Larry." - Remmy
"You're right, that's terrible." - Tek
"Yeah I'll keep working on it." - Remmy
"Last time, on the Lockhinge Chronicles..." - Stick
"--Some of us may have been irresponsible with a bus." - Tek
"You were waylaid by bandits... but then you way-laid them to rest!" - Stick
"Oh, rats!" - Remmy
"...Was that an exclamation or were you--" - Tek
"Giant rats!! - Remmy
"The deer puts a hoof up to vote for a short rest." - Stick
"Remmy can confirm that the cart didn't actually burn, just some cosmetic damage. It could maybe use a new coat of paint." - Stick
"On the underside? That's already scratched up from going over the rocks and the... bandits." - Tek
"It's Christmas night and you are visited by three ghosts..." - Stick
"Faerie fire!! FAERIE FIRE!!" - Red
"Hey, now that you have a portfolio, you're a real professional artist." - Tek
"I am not a professional artist." - Remmy
"Oh, you're not? So I don't have to pay you anymore?" - Tek
"No, you do. You're paying me for the labor." - Remmy
"That's literally the definition of professional artist." - Tek
"Damnit!" - Remmy
"And Garrus is going to huck a javelin at it..." - Stick
"Garrus! Just pretend it's the ocean!" - Tek
"You know what it feels like to fall and scrape your knee on some gravel? Well, it's a lot like that, if the gravel jumped up off the ground to paddle you and grate your flesh off." - Tek
"Merry Jeh'ri Christmas." - Stick
"...Hmm. For our last session, 'gay displacer beast' is what I have written down in my notes." - Stick
"Oh my god... we are Santa!! Showing up in our sleigh pulled by deer to deliver some presents!!" - Red
"Should I bring my crocodile along on the adventure?" - Tek
"...How does she do with boots?" - Trasha
"--Boy, that makes me sound like a psychopath, doesn't it?" - Tek
"You sound like a politician." - Trasha
"Yeah. What did I say?" - Tek
"How long do you think it would be before Treasure started eating all of us up on the mountain?" - Tek
"Four minutes." - Remmy
"Treasure, we're not even stranded!!" - Tek
"This is a surprise for everyone... especially Saladan!" - Saladan
"Some say he was a powerful wizard who went mad... Some say he was an adventurer... Some say he was a woman!" - Saladan
"Your clothes are dry, but the pockets are still a little wet." - Stick
"Tek sticks his butt in the fire." - Red
"...What?" - Stick
"Tek sticks his butt in the fire! To dry his pockets!" - Red
"...Okay." - Stick
"Oh, you're home from your trip. How was Understone?" - Joke Lady Thriyan
"AaaaAAAAaah..." - Joke Tek
"Oh, good. That's all I needed for my report. How many A's was that?" - Joke Lady Thriyan
"AAAaaaa..." - Joke Tek
"...I'll round up to twenty." - Joke Lady Thriyan
"Okay, there's something prowling around here." - Tek
"Look alive." - Remmy
"Or, look hard to find." - Tek
"Oh, yep. Got it." - Remmy
"...Hey, Garrus. You're looking tall and handsome--" - Tek
"--And like bait?" - Garrus
"A little like bait, yeah." - Tek
"What's white and black and red all over? ...You!" - Vicious mockery to a bleeding-out yeti
"I regret to inform you that it did in fact speak a language... that language was yeti, but yeah. Also, it had like an 8 intelligence, so as smart as my barbarian character." - Stick
"I just thought I'd ask the magic, light guy if he could cast magic light before I did his job for him." - Tek
"...I'm sensing a lot of hostility." - Garrus
"I'm VERY cold." - Tek
"Can we please look around for footprints before we decide we're going to jump into a frozen lake as night is falling in an icy wasteland?" - Tek
"--And the best part of that suggestion was that I wasn't the one saying it and looking like a jerk." - Tek
"Tek on his watch in the middle of the night like 'I miss Treasuuure... aaagh, the tears freezing to my face." - Red
"Roll Perception." - Stick
"...Welp. And that's why he got an 8." - Red
"Garrus wakes up on time like an asshole." - Stick
"If we all die, that lady won't get her kid back anyway, and Treasure becomes an orphan." - Tek
"And whether you can't let your friends die, or can't let them die without you being there to kill them, you jump into the water." - Stick
"Bet you're really missing that Cap of Waterbreathing now, huh?" - Stick
"Yeeeah... at least it wasn't also a Cap of Not-Freezing-to-Death-In-Icy-Waters." - Red
"There are broken minecarts around, crates, and a bucket floating in the water. The bucket isn't a hint, I just think it's funny." - Stick
"He walked in, kicked a Driftglobe across the room, whispered a zombie to death, and inspired Garrus by threatening him. Tek's best round ever." - Red
"Dude, do not even pretend that you had that in mind. We have been living together for six months, you can't remember to tell me that you finished the milk; you did not think about that." - Remmy
"...So, is this worse than the javelins?" - Garrus
"I WOULD THINK SO. We are considerably more expensive than javelins." - Tek
"Are we cool?" - Remmy
"Excessively so." - Tek
"Yes, yes, we're still all freezing to death." - Remmy
"Just a couple of cold, wet assholes." - Stick
"Wow that is the worst collection of words I've ever heard." - Red
"Yep." - Stick
"Gimme an Athletics check to... wiggle." - Stick
"Shh! ...Gimme a perception check." - Garrus
"I'm twenty now, I can't remember what teens are like." - Tek, rolling a nat 1 on Insight
"Tek's hair is all swirly in the water, it looks lovely. They're going to be drawing fanart of this for a long time." - Stick
"Let me roll for its concentration... Wait, fuck. It's dead. So yeah, its concentration breaks. THERE'S A LOT GOING ON OVER HERE OKAY." - Stick
"She's just going to hide." - Stick
"...Roll Stealth." - Tek
"What? D: " - Windyth
"...So you're kind of important, huh?" - Windyth
"Yeah, a little bit." - Tek
"Can I swear around you?" - Windyth
"Yep." - Tek
"--Fuck! I'm going to be in so much trouble." - Windyth
"I don't know if Tek has the capacity to understand human emotions, but she seems upset." - Stick
"You really didn't see the clowns??" - Windyth
"Of course I saw the clowns." - Tek
"Then why did you try to say you didn't??" - Windyth
"Because... I'm mad at you?" - Tek
"Oh... Okay. I guess that's fair." - Windyth
"Everyone did their rejuvinating activity. Garrus napped. Remmy had a snack." - Stick
"Tek got to berate someone." - Red
"Taking his suffering out on someone, yes. His favorite thing." - Stick
"Besides, if this kills you, then you'll be no worse off than if you'd be if we hadn't shown up." - Tek
"...You're mean." - Windyth
"And not wrong." - Tek
"I knew you were playing chaotic neutral, so I brought in the only thing more chaotic than you. Clowns." - Stick
"At least the lifegaurd is on duty. Garrus knows exactly how long his rogues can hold their breaths for." - Red
"Gross." - Stick
"What??" - Red
"What? It's Tek so I just assumed it was a blowjob joke." - Stick
"Boy, I always thought that huddling for warmth trope would be sexier. I bet those books are ruined for you now, huh?" - Tek, freezing to death in his underwear
"Tek has a strict no running off after talking animals rule." - Red
"Except for the little fae fox." - Stick
"Nope, he couldn't talk. If the mouse wearing the apron had been like, 'hey, let's go get some diamonds,' he would have been like, 'fuck you, I know your game.'" - Red
"Ha, just imagine Daffy if she'd been like--" - Stick
"She's not an animal. She's exempt. He would have followed her in a heartbeat." - Red
"--And then the temple with the stone giant." - Red
"Heeey~" - Stick
"Wait, no. Not Garrus. Tek calls him his stone giant for a different reason." - Red
"YIKES." - Stick
"Aw, dang. I forgot to make the mephits jellybeans so we could eat them." - Stick
"Or the fish." - Red
"Technically, Tek did eat one of those." - Stick
"Is chamomile okay?" - Trasha
"How much alcohol is in chamomile?" - Tek
"Dwarves are good at many things, but breathing underwater ain't one of them." - Trasha
"All the gay boys go to Lockhinge, the lesbians go to Understone." - Stick
"I know what Tek does with part of his night... and it's that bard over there." - Red
"Yeah, you tell 'em!" - Tek (Drunk)
"You have no idea who this person is." - Someone (Drunk)
"Wait. *grabs face* You're not Remmy!" - Tek
"What? I'm Julie!" - Someone (Julie)
"Julie?? How long have you not been Remmy?" - Tek
"My whole life?" - Julie
"What??" - Tek
"What are you talking about, Brandon??" - Julie
"Wait, are you getting mad at me for flirting with boys or killing boys? I'M GETTING MIXED MESSAGES HERE." - Tek
"Remmy is a Super Soaker of hurt." - Red
"We are unto gods!!" - Kobolds in a kite-string shape

The Wild Sheep Chase

"Tek was under the impression that adults ran on brunches as fuel." - Red
"...So I guess I'm just gonna skin this snake while I think of what to do." - Remmy
"We miss Garrus. There are three of us and our combined Strength is -1." - Tek
"He doesn't need all of his fingers. He has a pinky, so he can pinky-promise." - Stick
"Remmy and Zaven are just a box of nerds." - Stick
"Hobgoblins? More like Huggoblins." - Red
"Hugs, not drugs. Or thugs." - Stick
"Or Bullywugs." - Red
"You don't happen to have dispell do you?" - Tek
"Baaa." - Sheep
"Not you. You." - Tek
"Oh! No." - Zaven
"The half-orc walks up, balls-first." - Stick
"Ah, good. Tek stands there, balls-first." - Red
"Ready for an adventure? Grab the sheep." - Tek
"Is everyone okay?" - Tek
"Ow, no, I'm really not okay. I'm not doing great... but I am going to go through this guy's pockets." - Remmy
"You have a what-now on your where??" - Hypothetical Tek's mom
"And this is my bedroom, where the fun things are kept... no, not like that." - Sheep
"Well, you just got done stressing that the room had no windows, so I could only assume..." - Tek
"We should turn him in--" - Zaven
"--to a sheep." - Tek
"I was going to say in to the authorities, but okay." - Zaven
"Did you know that there are seven species of grass in my garden? I didn't until I ate all of them." - Sheep
"Also, if you happen to notice where a strategically-placed fog would come in handy, go for it." - Tek
"Right. If I notice you passed out after a minute, I'll throw one down." - Zevan
"Or hear the me-being-cornered-and-beaten-to-death-by-three-ape noises." - Tek
"Welp. If you can't beat 'em, Ray of Frost 'em." - Stick
"These guys are just dudes in animal-drag." - Red
"These guys are furries." - Stick
"I guess the invisble stalker... is just a stalker now." - Stick
"Hey! Tek knows how to handle stalkers." - Red
"Appearing in a flash of gold--" - Stick
"--And gatorade." - Red
"...And gatorade... is Garrus." - Stick

"Things are getting wet and wild... why do I keep saying that?" - Stick
"Because Garrus is here." - Red
"It bites him with its many mouth-mouths." - Stick, about the "gibbering pile of nonsense"
"Overuse of the wand has made it very unstable. You know, as much as I want thumbs back..." - Sheep
"What, you don't want that many??" - Tek
"That's all I've got. Makes me wish I was smarter." - Garrus
"Me too." - Tek
"..." - Garrus
"I mean not you. Though, that would be handy." - Tek
"Thanks." - Garrus
"I'm not saying that he struck me as an active paladin. Paladins can fuck up, right? I don't imagine you lose the stance even after that." - Tek
"No that comes with the crushing weight of responsibility." - Garrus
"Now you're the door and you've been unlocked... and no, it's not a sex thing." - Garrus
"I just need to trap you all in jewelry and I'll be set." - Tek
"Ha... just walking around with like five necklaces on." - Remmy
"Don't be ridiculous... some of you would be trapped in rings or bracelets too. I would never wear five necklaces." - Tek
"Yes, that's the absurd part." - Remmy
"If you were any more obsessed, you'd be eating those cigarettes!" - Stick
"He'd have a big ol' bowl of Honey Nut Cigarettes, yep." - Red
"Tek is looking perfect as always, Remmy's looking goth, Shinebright... is a sheep..." - Stick
"How was your trip, honey?" - Zaven's mom
"Good. I'm going to go cry for a half hour." - Zaven

A Strange Reuinion

"They've got grilled leeches, they've got 'swamp chicken...'" - Stick
"--Which is just more leeches." - Red
"Dicks are fine, Dex, not so much." - Stick
"It's almost springtime." - Stick
"Really?? Wow, I love these short seasons." - Red
"Well... you do sleep for like two weeks at a time, so..." Stick
"Tek gives Zaven the scrolls and tries very hard not to say either 'here is payment for a traumatizing vacation,' or 'here, I am buying your love.'" - Red
"Shinebright is like 'I don't know what you would want a half-goat, half-beholder, but..." - Stick
"Yikes." - Tek
"--While somewhere, SOMEONE is like 'why WOULDN'T you??'" - Stick
"Hi, Cetamsa." - Red
"The wand looks like a dick with syphilis." - Red
"You know, sometimes good art doesn't come on the first try." - Cetamsa
"Neither does a dick with syphilis." - Red
"Tek tells him that he's going to meet a friend... and then has that smile that screams, 'Please roll an Insight check please roll an Insight check!!' :D " - Red
"I'm looking for Grub. I'm the less-maternal one." - Tek
"Ah, more like a rowdy uncle, then." - Temple lady
"Yep. Or a vodka aunt... oh, I probably shouldn't say that in a temple, huh." - Tek
"Depends on who you're worshiping." - Temple lady
"It says 'You chill, warm, or flavor up to one cubic foot of nonliving material for one hour'. Like a couch." - Stick
"I think they mean like water, or bread..." - Red
"It says nonliving material." - Stick
"Hey... an egg is just a bird cocoon." - Tek
"--It's a sizable queen." - Hareed
"My favorite." - Tek
"It's like someone made chalk eyes and was like 'ooo, that's too upsetting,' so they whipped out a sharpie like that would fix it." - Red
"He looks over at the mirror for an, 'are the people in Kroger going to worry about my mental state,' check." - Red
"Garrus frowns a little when you leave your room with someone who wasn't there before, but he can probably put two-and-two together. And the great Garrus Gray rolled a... not great. Tek's passive Insight recognizes the 'Garrus takes a minute to lightbulb on and tries not to show it in the meantime' look." - Stick
"We have to try the jam sampler." - Edmond
"The--" - Tek
"--Jampler." - Edmond
"Well, Tek... on the feelings wheel, you pointed to the entire Anger quadrant, the entire Fear quadrant, and a little of the Sad one. The only one you didn't choose anything from was the Happy quadrant... ah. Except for 'aroused.' I see." - Hypothetical counselor
"I don't get off on killing people; I get off on watching them die." - Edmond
"--Thank you!" - Tek
"And that's a point of exhaustion for you both." - Stick
"Well, fuck me." - Tek
"I think that was the problem, actually." - Stick
"You don't know their lives! You don't know if they're homeless. Maybe they're just dudes who like to hang around on the ground." - Stick
"Please help me keep my hit points in my body, Edmond." - Tek
"Treasure continues to restrain him." - Stick
"She hisses. Or gurgles a little, depending on how much that guy's bleeding." - Red
"Why are your pupils dilated? ...Oh no, you had fun, didn't you? Uh-oh..." - Garrus
"What's your Persuasion modifier?" - Stick
"Does it matter if it's a nat 1?" - Red
"No... no it does not." - Stick
"Do you want fancy shots or...?" - Bartender
"This is going on someone else's credit card and you seem bored." - Tek
"Gold flakes it is!" - Bartender
"Hey bard! You doing shots?" - Tek
"I'm obligated to not stop playing, sir." - Ullie the Bard
"You've got a free mouth, don't you?" - Tek
"If there are any requests--" - Ullie the Bard
"--dragonSLAYER!" - Tek
"Big tips. I love tips... not like that." - Bartender
"I didn't say anything." - Tek
"Yeah, but that guy snickered." - Bartender
"So, I said that I trusted him." - Tek
"Okay." - Garrus
"I said those words!" - Tek
"..." - Garrus
"Like, out loud! With my mouth!!" - Tek
"Time's a-wasting; I could be punching... It's half-past punch o'clock... I could have punched so many people by now..." - Garrus' inner voice
"Hey, so... is your friend any fun?" - Tek
"Once you get under their shell, they warm right up. If you know what I mean." - Helvereth
"Yeah, wow, you really made all my jokes for me there." - Tek
"He's at like... the wasted, runny mascara, crying at strangers in the bathroom stage." - Red
"'...Sir, this is an Olive Garden.'" - Stick
"Edmond is in break-something mode. They'll both disappear later, Garrus talking to Amala suddenly looks around like, 'shit, they're loose!' They know where they are because there is a dumpster on fire behind the Denny's." - Stick
"Helvereth is at four levels of inebriation, so he taps out." - Stick
"Wow, I thought you'd last longer than that." - Tek
"One in every five." - Helvereth
"I'm at a real disadvantage here. I would have to stop talking, and we know that's not going to happen." - Tek
"Hareed at two levels of inebriation is like, 'There are so many delicious--I mean delightful kinds of cats.'" - Stick
"Do we need dinner?" - Tek
"Yes. As magical and inexplicable as I am, I will perish without food." - Edmond
"Tek is watching the world burn and it smells delicious." - Red
"You guys just sleep together??" - Garrus
"Yeah, we're in that cart for days, you know? ...What do you guys do while you're on the road?" - Okoa
The camera on Helvereth and Okoa banging in their cart cuts to... Garrus and Tek like playing Go Fish.
"Oof... yeah, those are my threesome muscles." - Tek
"He called it 'brinner?' Everyone knows it should be 'deckfest.'" - Edmond
"I can't get that one to catch on for some reason." - Tek
"You know, a rich-person-box to put another rich-person-box inside of." - Stick, on mausoleums
"Out from his throat, he pulls a... long..." - Stick
"--Oh no, that's not the word I wanted to hear following that." - Red
"Oh wait, I guess I'd already said that the gurney under the dead body was made out of wood, not metal." - Stick
"Well, think of it this way. You know those old, wooden cutting boards you have in the kitchen..." - Red
"--Metal it is!" - Stick
"On the way back in the cart, Garrus sees Tek pull out--" - Stick
"..." - Red
"..." - Stick
"--Of who??" - Red
"Oh! I really did stop my sentence there, huh." - Stick
“My two favorite things are Agatha Christie novels and you being alive, sir.” - Hareed
"If you're going to commit some B & E--" - Red
"--Might as well ruin a bench." - Stick
"If we're the OG3, they're the NoG3." - Remmy, about Tek, Edmond, and Ita
"The best way to get something out of Tek is to just wait for him to destroy himself." - Stick, on lessons that Edmond and Garrus have learned
"I should ask you if there's anthing you want to tell me, but I don't want to know--" - Tek
"ONCE UPON A TIME..." - Edmond
"These pecs are meant for friendship." - Garrus
"Sure, roll Insight on Garrus, who just rolled a nat 20." - Stick
"...On what??" - Red
"Wouldn't you like to know." - Stick
"C'mon, Hareed, have a drink with us." - Tek
“Sir, I can't live this life. I bought a bakery. Not bakery's worth of pastries--an actual bakery. I AM A BUSINESS OWNER IN SOLETTE, SIR." - Hareed
"Treasure knows what she wants in her belly, and it's not your empty promises." - Stick
"Your words mean nothing. I take only calories." - Treasure
“I was like second guessing myself a little bit, like wondering if a blow job the way to go, we’ve kept his history intentionally vague, I dont know how good he’d actually be… wait, that bitch can hold his breath for three minutes. I’ve done the math. He did great.” - Stick

Summer's Isle

"Yeah sure, let me go get my... I'm kidding; I don't have things." - Little Jeh'ri
"Like a Dippin' Dots bowl full o' Jeh'ris." - Little Jeh'ri, explaining god stuff
"Please stop talking or it's under the sheet again." - Lady Thriyan to Theodore the Enchanted Armoire
"You're just in time for The Candle Show. It's good, we're just gettin' to Tall Flame 'o Clock." - Remmy, just so bored
"It's Stockhinge Syndrome." - Stick, on why Remmy is still their friend
"I think he's got a fetish or something." - Tek
"Why do you always gotta make friends with weird--" - Remmy
"--Think about what you're saying before you say it." - Tek
"..." - Remmy
Remmy evaporates
"#notallnecromancy" - Zaven
"How big is the fountain?" - Red
"Big enough to skinny dip in." - Stick
"That wasn't... but yes, thank you." - Red
"Remember when things like this used to be weird? Now pick up my crocodile." - Tek
“By this point, Garrus’ shield is just a gross theater floor full of nasty lollipop arrows.” - Red
"The sword was going to be named after the first thing you killed with it." - Stick
"...'Behold, I am Clown Eater!' ...'They call me, Gummy Slayer!!'" - Red
"It's not really cannibalism if they're cake first." - The first point that Tek and Ita will agree on
"Tek and Ita walk into the room together, and Edmond feels mortal terror for the first time in his life." - Stick
"The god is in the earring in the doll in the Edmond... and the green grass grows all around, all around." - Red
"...Wow, never rolled max on that before." - Stick
"Um." - Red
"Of course, the one thing that I didn't prepare for because rolling that would be wild..." - Stick
"Yeah, these are all going on the 'things you never want to hear your DM say' list." - Red
"You either gotta solve his riddle or get in his mouth." - Stick
"Well, if there's one thing I'm good at..." - Tek
"Nice." - Stick
"--He says while not making eye contact with Garrus." - Red
"...Oh." - Stick
"It's screaming... but it's always been screaming, so..." - Stick
"What do they want?" - Tek
"Someone is trying to call you but your voicemail is full." - Plot Ravens
"Yeah, but is there anything they were trying to get across to me?" - Tek
"Someone is trying to call you but your voicemail is full." - Plot Ravens
"Uggh, I'm never going to figure this out..." - Tek
"He looks sad, but crazy-sad... Oh! That's called scared." - Stick
"Oh goodness, I can't imagine what you would be like in the Feywild." - Tek
"It could be very, very good, or very, very bad. Potentially just become part of the background or--" - Edmond
"--Or turn yourself into a chair." - Tek
"--Or turn myself into a char." - Edmond
"The Queen would probably love that." - Tek
"It could have been an extra-wordy Healing Word for all I know." - Edmond
"Healing Words." - Tek
"Healing Essay, yes." - Edmond
"Ah, there it is." - Tek
"It's a game of thrills and chills... and spills. Of tears. On the floor." - Stick
"Tek goes and grabs a bottle of mead from his dresser." - Stick
"No, he only drinks mead when he's happy." - Red
"Well that's sad." - Stick
"He doesn't drink it often." - Red
"Well that's sad." - Stick
"Sobbin'-bourbon it is!" - Red
"How do you feel about manticores?" - Tek's Parent
"Aaaaaaah..." - Tek
"Okay, smaller. Giant spiders?" Tek's Parent
"Better." - Tek
"How do you feel about phase spiders?" - Tek's Parent
"Aaaaaaaaah..." - Tek
"--Okay." - Tek's Parent

Lockhinge Interlude III: Spa Edition

"Zaven joins you guys, glasses just immediately fogged up." - Stick
"Garrus, I'm glad you're a different color because I-- oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't expecting there to be two big, beefy, purple Tieflings." - Zaven
"I'm a Firbolg." - Firbolg who isn't Garrus
"Garrus gets out of the pool. Remmy probably watches..." - Stick
"Who doesn't." - Red
"Zaven, because he can't see." - Stick
"--He always overlooks me at the meetings. Is it because I'm a woman, or is it because I'm three feet tall??" - Middle-aged Halfling in a Hot Tub #1
"Well, I got a step-stool and it's still happening to me, so I guess it's because I don't have a penis!" - Middle-aged Halfling in a Hot Tub #2
"I've now seen literally everyone's dick. Even Little Jeh'ri's." - Remmy
"The nickname is misleading, isn't it?" - Tek
"Remmy chugs their mimosa and wants to die." - Stick
"I still don't know what the fuck is up with hemipenes!!" - Remmy
"Didn't you take Lockhinge sex-ed? I thought that was standard." - Tek
"Yeah, I saw the chart and panicked." - Remmy
"Wait, so without your cloak or anything, you--" - Tek
"Yeah. I'm trying not to think about it." - Remmy
"Trying not to think about what?" - Tek
"Beating up a Gnome mostly naked." - Remmy"
"...I was actually going to say 'good job on that crazy good stealth roll' but okay." - Tek
"When life gives you lemons--magic missile!" - Zaven
"Wow, my nails are still perfect after all that murder. Top coat matters!" - Little Jeh'ri

The Barber of Silverymoon

"I see pluses and minuses, and I know you didn't go to a math shop." - People seeing a Secret Victoria's bag
"Real babies are pink and fleshy and scream when you shake them!" - Avita the Hag
"People are occasionally looking over at the fancyboys and the rock cop, yes." - Stick
"Fishermen are just water farmers, you know?" - Tek
"Hey, can you make your Alarm spell trigger the cuckoo clock?" - Tek
"...I can make it sound like a cuckoo clock..." - Zaven
"That's not what I asked." - Tek
"A wig jumps off the table and tries to eat Garrus." - Stick
"Meet the Ultimate Wig! Jooge was going to tell you about it in an evil monologue, but he’s feeling a little harried right now." - Stick
"That's a lot of screaming." - Xvart #1
"Dave is screaming... No, not Screaming Dave. Regular Dave is screaming." - Xvart #2
"We can only have one Screaming Dave, Dave!!" - Xvart #1
"Aha! ...Climb the mound of dead xvarts!" - Tek to Fee Ree
"Also, there’s only one gender-- 'xvart!'" - The xvarts, giving us all the reason we need to murder them
"You sure you don't want to head back into the other room? It's way safer." - Tek, after turning a xvart into confetti
"...Yeah, we're just going to go, if that's okay." - Xvarts
"Sure. But, you better hurry, because I'm Hasted." - Tek
"Just because I was in a hole for a week doesn't mean you have to be an ass." - Bernadette
"You're right, I don't have to. It's just a thing I do." - Tek
"I'm a 13th level spellcaster." - Bernadette
"You're a spellcaster; I could push you back into that hole." - Tek
"Fair." - Bernadette
"My basement didn't used to be this big. Or full of blood. I'm a shell of a man." - Jooge
"We will shower and meet properly, make shitty deprecating comments at each other. Brunch?" - Tek
"Of course. We're fancy." - Bernadette
"Well, that was tolerable. She's not so bad." - Tek
"The oubliette probably helped." - Remmy
"Many nobles could benefit from an oubliette trip." - Tek
"Garrus laughs." - Stick
"Tek laughs that Garrus laughed." - Red
"Sorry, I really need to start paying attention. I thought you just said you could cast Thunderwave with your hair." - Tek
"No, you got it." - Bernadette
"Ugh... any cute boy with sharp teeth happens by, he's gotta show him his deck." - Remmy
"Forget whatever animal hat Garrus got you before; he should have gotten you a mimic one." - Remmy
"How do you know he didn't?" - Tek
"--Oh shit!!" - Remmy
“Zaven and Treasure are on breakfast watch… but Zaven got a nat one and Treasure got a nat 2, so they're fully playing some sort of bacon game." - Stick
"You started off with good intentions, and ended with bitching." - Stick, about what happens when Tek tries to help
"He was one of those little ones with horns." - Ogre #1
"Big horns?" - Ogre #2
"No, like tooth horns." - Ogre #1
"You mean tusks?" - Ogre #2
"Yeah, tooth horns. He took my favorite axe." - Ogre #1
"That axe was so little. You never use it." - Ogre #2

"Yeah, but it was still my favorite, and he took it." - Ogre #1
"...I hate rain." - Ogre #3
"...We're about to have a flatter dragon." - Red, rolling a failed Dex save
"Ah yes, all according to plan." - Tek Bleeds massively - Tek's face
"You were just in an alternate dimension, please hydrate!" - Zaven

Lockhinge Interlude IV

"Lol, yeah, this feels like big threesome energy." - Remmy
"I'm feeling a real foursome energy right now." - Zaven
"We really need a potion funnel." - Tek
"They have those at Fantasy Spencer's." - Remmy
"Oh, that's not what that one is for..." - Tek
"Dax does whatever you tell him to." - Stick
"Well, don't say it like that..." - Red
"No, I mean it seems like he likes letting you take the lead-- Ah, that's bad too." - Stick
"Hydration is a free action." - Stick
"You pass a nervous-looking scribe on their way into your mother's office." - Stick
"Good luck, scrub!! ...I mean scribe." - Tek
"I hate to be the one like, 'it's been ten minutes, do you want to take a bath?' ...But, it's been ten minutes, do you want to take a bath?" - Edmond
"Ah yes, that was while I was trapped in the physical manifestation of my repressed emotions." - Edmond
"This is both the best possible thing that could have happened to any of us, as well as possibly the biggest mistake we have ever made." - Tek, about Pinky and Edmond
"Hang on, I'm remembering every wrong word for the poop dish." - Stick
"I offer sliver-removal services for free." - Drunk Dax
"What do I get if you fuck up?" - Drunk Tek
"What do you want?" - Drunk Dax
"A new foot." - Drunk Tek
"Okay." - Drunk Dax
"...Now I kind of hope you do fuck up. I want to see what kind of new foot I get." - Drunk Tek
"Good news: he technically got the sliver out. Great news: you have temp HP because of the drinking!" - Stick, before sharing how much Tek is bleeding
"I! WOULD LIKE! TO RAVE!" - Red, listening to Dubstep Skyrim
"It is such a pleasure to make your acquaintance." - Tek
"Oh, you don't need to be so formal in here." - Mr. Kashahesi
"It's a relfex. You hit a nerve in my knee and I say 'it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.'" - Tek
"So... I lied about why you're all here. I have something to show you." - Zaven
"One silver says that it's a mech!" - Remmy
"Thank god his friends seem both weird and tolerable. Nothing bad has happened with the Thriyan yet, the big one seems friendly enough, that one is weird but is keeping their elbows off the table... that one is posing with a wine glass..." - Mrs. Kashahesi
“And Zaven goes to his room to... s--sssleep?? He only rolled a 10 on his jack-off roll." - Stick

A Failed Assassination

"That's like how Edmond does whatever I say~" - Tek
"Edmond's eyes say 'I hate that you said that' and 'I love that you said that.'" - Stick
"The faces you're making at each other are gross." - Ita
"Gost doesn't say out loud 'I'm going to blow so many people at this party,' but you can see him do the math." - Stick
"Sorry, Garrus. I was going to get you off easy... Let you get off easy. Ahem." - Tek
"There are going to be people there." - Remmy
"Yes? There are indeed likely going to be people present at the big party." - Tek
"That's the problem with parties." - Remmy
"I'm not resistant to poison!! I'm resistant to acid!! You should be able to remember it--it has 'ass' in it!" - Remmy

"Do you think the cops are going to show up??" - Melis
"Do you want the good news or the bad news?" - Tek
"Uh... the good news?" - Melis?
"Yes. And this is also the bad news." - Tek
"I'm fine over here with Billiards Guy." - Remmy
"--'Bill' for short." - Tek
"Bill laughs." - Stick
"I really am very afraid of you, I don't mean to offend, it's just literally hard for me to stop talking." - Tek, to Slayer the Goliath
"She actually doesn't have a whole lot of tits... mostly just the two." - Stick
"Out of purely professional interest, I would like to see you without your clothes on." - Tek
"All of the blood kept in his blood house is all out." - Red
"We didn't meet name-first, okay??" - Tek
"...Ah." - Garrus
"Oh, you're getting a back tattoo??" - Remmy
"Yes?? Did you think I was getting it on my ass??" - Tek
"Yes of course??" - Remmy
"It was messy and ended quickly. And no one likes that." - Tek, about the party he almost died at
"I should get a little apron. Remmy, where can I get one of those?" - Edmond
"Why are you asking me?? Tek, why is he asking me??" - Remmy
"Why are you asking me why he's asking you??" - Tek
"I was going to ask if you have much experience with pillow-forts, but yours seems to be a largely pillow-fort-based society." - Tek, to Dax
"Man, last time I was in a pillow-fort--" - Remmy
"--You stole a bunch of priceless artifacts." - Tek
"If Edmond and I are the last ones awake, he's going to ask me a bunch of weird questions." - Dax
"Like what? Give me an example." - Tek
"So, I hear you live in a garbage pile--tell me about that. I used to live in a castle made of magic!" - Edmond
"..." - Dax and Tek
"Wish me luck." - Tek
"Any way I can help?" - Edmond
"Wish me luck~..." - Tek
"...Oh!" - Edmond, right before some Bardic Inspiration
"So, how much have you figured out about me?" - Gost
"You're a bartender with--theoretically--a name." - Tek
"You wouldn't be able to take your mattress with you, but I could find you a ship out of the city going north, or a caravan out to Liyda." - Tek
"--See?? This is what I'm talking about!" - Gost
"Is it??" - Tek
"This is the nicest thing you've done yet!" - Gost
"Is it!?" - Tek
"She slides it into her boob-pocket-of-holding." - Stick
"Look... kid... I'm trying really hard to do the thing that not-a-shithead would do." - Gost
"I'm not a Tiefling. Didn't used to be." - Gost
"--Hold on. I know I said that I didn't want Froot Loops, but I do want that vodka." - Tek
"Tek just had to make sure that Gost still meets the only two standards he has: that he likes him and thinks he's hot." - Tek
"You think he was serious?" - Remmy
"Hey, you hear the way a guy talks about being trapped in a meaty, little, soft, flightless body and you know he's not lying." - Tek
"The only reason I believe this is because I'm a dragon abomination." - Remmy
"Yep. My boyfriend is made of wishes and dreams. There's a darkling fey in that building over there. I met god. So, why not, right?" - Tek
"...It's kind of rad." - Remmy
"Aside from the fact that he was hired to kill me and that everything he has literally ever said to me up until this point has been a lie." - Tek
"Oh, don't get me wrong--I will absolutely never trust again. I'm just saying." - Remmy
"You guys don't have weird secrets, right? ...Remmy, I know what's in your underwear drawer, so you don't count." - Tek
"Technically I know too." - Garrus
"No, no. I know specifically." - Tek
"I told him he was either friends with me or with a no-writing-good beholder. I have lots of things that a beholder doesn't. I have hands! ...He likes me for my hands..." - Tek, drunker by the moment
"What's been goin' on?" - Little Jeh'ri
"People trying to kill me." - Tek
"Different from usual?" - Little Jeh'ri "They were paid to." - Tek
"Different from usual?" - Little Jeh'ri
"Usually people do it for free." - Tek
"Sometimes you need to have yourself a little cry in your mud-hut, y'know?" - Little Jeh'ri "Yeah?" - Tek
"Yeah. Because sometimes your society revolves around violence and leaves no room for personal growth but you dream of making baskets and your brother takes you on raids and drinks and then a band of weirdos kills your friends and family in front of you--" - Little Jeh'ri "Tek smacks Jeh'ri in the face with Jeh'ri's own hand and yells 'Calm emotion!'" - Red
"Oh god it didn't work!!" - Little Jehri
"Edmond stops by and puts confetti and mints in his pockets." - Stick

"Hareed soaks up tears like a shamwow." - Stick
"Came home to a third of a cake. And not a solid third of a cake, but a third if you added all the pieces together that spell out 'I love you.'" - Red
"It's more that he is sad he can't make out with his friend to fix it, and ashamed that's how he wants to fix this problem." - Stick
"I'm easy. I mean I'm not. I mean maybe I am, honestly... but not like that??" - Zaven
"Zaven tries not to ask a million questions and be a bother... Oops, but that's a nat 1. So, he does exactly that." - Stick
"I don't know how dates are supposed to end if it’s not like... making out and a weird hand job somewhere shady or something." - Tek
"In the meantime, Tek did get wasted and google his ex-- I mean looked up stories about that dragon in the library." - Red
"Should I take off my boots?" - Edmond
"It depends on exactly how you want things to go later, but if you want." - Tek
"I'm not planning on leaving." - Edmond
"I know~" - Tek
"I will keep you so occupied tomorrow that no thoughts of assassins or dragons will cross your mind." - Edmon
"And if it does, it will become like a game: Where is the Nearest Source of Alcohol." - Tek
"After they buy a whip, they wander down the tight-pants aisle. And the pants-made-of-belts aisle." - Stick
"Those keep selling out!" - Fantasy Spencer
"Thanks, Dax." - Red
"It's the only present he brings back to the other elders." - Stick
"This is why we need to go to Lockhinge!!" - Dax
"They left fuck-flowers in the alley." - Someone
"Gost knows that Tek must be bothered... but with him and Hot Boy Summer over there, he's not sure." - Stick
"Tek and his hip-windows are a little too proud of themselves on the way back to the table." - Red
"I know these are the Hot Mess loaded fries... but oh my god, it's so messy." - Tek
"That's what she said." - Remmy
"--Augh! It's so salty..." - Tek
"That's what she said!" - Remmy
"--Oh, watch out, It's dripping down the back..." - Tek
"That's what she said!!" - Remmy
"Sorry dude, I'm only one level of drunk." - Remmy
"I'm completely sober~" - Edmond
"YIKES then I do not want to be talking to you!" - Remmy
"First up in the order is Edmond!" - Stick
"..." - Edmond
"...Huh." - Edmond
"And that's his turn." - Stick
"Garrus and Gost got their dicks in a knot." - Red
"Tek also Vicious Mockeries the guy that Edmond just made fun of." - Red
"Welp. He's not almost dead, but he is very sad." - Stick
"Garrus yells 'APOLOGIZE!' and headbutts Gost with extra damage from Tek's Inspiration." - Stick
"Wow... Is swooning a free action?" - Red
"...I told him to apologize, didn't I? Don't know what I think about punching a man into agreeing." - Garrus
"From here, it looked like you mostly pinned. And one really good headbutt." - Tek
"I'm surprised that Ha'it didn't make fun of me for being turned into a rock." - Garrus
"I think he did. He was a statue every time he appeared to you." - Tek
"...Garrus frowns." - Stick
"It takes Tek ten whole seconds to regret his one responsible decision." - Red
"Tek's body feels like it has been hit by a truck." - Red
"It has. By a sexy, sexy truck." - Stick
"Garrus goes to the temple and bonks his head against a wall and just hangs out in You-Fuckin'-Meatball Land for a while." - Stick
"Want to find out what it’s like to date a dragon? Oh wait hang on… I forgot to waggle my eyebrows when I said that." - Gost
"I miss sheep. You can't eat those like this--without work." - Gost
“You think that he’d be able to reach tek across the table?” - Stick
“People bring their mistresses here. You can do all kinds of things across the table.” - Red
"We'll trade skill sets. I could teach you to--" - Dax
"--Echolocate!" - Tek
"I was going to say emotion-regulate, but okay." - Dax
“There's pillows and--I don't know--drugs or something.” - Stick
"He did get the good room, after all." - Red
“On the pillows, they’ve got the mints that make you see very nice things.” - Stick
“If I hadnt used all my liquids last night as a man with a bunch of feelings, I would be crying right now." - Stick, Christmas 2021
“So you know how we have beeflings and thieflings, we also have–” - Red
“Sleeplings? Tek is one of those.” - Stick
"Flower is a Twinkling." - Red
"Edmond has a whip and bedroom horns." - Stick, recapping the important things
"Can I get a Lay on Hands? A heal would be nice too~" - Tek
"Edmond suggested pom-poms." - Ita
"Only if it's from the nice pom-pom place... Oh my god have I not taken you to the nice pom-pom place yet??" - Tek
"Should I invite Shinebright? …Ill wake him up.” - Ita "Flash forward to 10pm her shaking a sheep awake, like 'excuse me, you need to be awake. We’re going to have tea.'" - Stick
"Another trashperson is here to see you, sir. This one is wearing a shirt." - Hareed
"Your mother is there in her most luxurious bedtime clothes. She has her stiletto slippers on." - Stick
"Is Tek's other parent around?" - Red
"Make a perception check. Good luck." - Stick
"Dax rolled a 1 on his sheep check, so immediately asks if the sheep is a joke." - Stick
"Tek rolled a 2 on his try-not-to-laugh check." - Red
"These are very expensive holes... which is the name of a bar I will open someday." - Dax

Happy Fish Day

"Sorry, I struggle with the fish people. I just gotta say it. You know how they do that thing with the fish–-" - Tek
"You mean take a fish and put that in a bigger fish and stuff that into an even bigger fish?" - Remmy
"Yeah. It's challenging." - Tek
"Only in Lockhinge do you have to mow the algae." - Remmy
"One fleeing Kuo-toa sees a hiding goblin and jukes over to tackle him because he’s ruining Fish Christmas!" - Stick
“I forgot I had a pocket paladin!! I almost died! Happy Fish Day!” - Tek, drunk on Fish Day

Aboard the Mercy

"Well... Tek failed his Perception check, but rolled a nat 19 on his Startle check, so he spills wine cooler on himself, Garrus, and his important papers." - Red
"I can tell you're freaking out." - Garrus
"'I'm not freaking out,' Tek says, his voice much too high." - Red
"He takes two minutes to get dressed, two to yell into a pillow, one to do a shot, and is two levels of drunk when he opens his door again." - Red
"On the subject of titty-tassles, I would probably like them more if they were on boys… hard to get them really going, though.” - Edmond
"Well, I mean... it would only be one, though.” - Tek
"Edmond leans over and mentions that he can turn into a mermaid now." - Stick
"And Tek is immediately dealt psychic damage." - Red
"Garrus! Save seats for us! Make sure the view is good; just pretend the person on stage is going to have a dick instead of tits." - Tek
"I can't believe you drank that whole fishbowl." - Tek
"Fuck me..." - Remmy
"Well, not now!" - Tek
"Edmond, do you have money?" - Tek
"Yes!" - Edmond
"Edmond. Do you have... money..." - Tek
"...Oh. Yes." - Edmond
"The portraits on the wall in there are artists and singers, counter-culture types… and Spencer." - Stick
“...That is the worst thing you could have possibly said.” - Red
"We need two shots of whatever would go well with learning that my dad is their dad's boss." - Tek
"Do you ever do the thing where after seeing a pet are like omg your pet reminds me of my pet?" - Tek
"Yes... No. Oh wait, yes, but mine is a 13 year old girl." - Edmond
"I'm friends with Lio now. We talked!" - Tek
"Do you feel better?" - Edmond
"No!" - Tek
"From what I hear, that is a sign of friendship." - Edmond
"C'mon, hip-grind with me." - Lio, being a good friend
"Ah... there goes my best friend." - Lio
"You're so drunk, ma'am." - Lio's boy
"Yes. Yes I am." - Lio
"'Power Bottom in love' is the only way I can think of to describe it?? Maybe 'Bossy with feelings'??" - Red
"His crystal dick loves you." - Stick
"She cant wait to see if you're still friends with her after this." - Stick
"Well, he did use her bed, so joke's on her I guess." - Red
"Maybe that's her kink! You dont know her life." - Stick

The Secret of Skyhorn Lighthouse

"Yikes, this guy is sounding more and more like Fantasy Spencer with every moment…" - Stick
"Oh god, a were-Spencer! Quick! We’ve got to leave before the transformation is complete!" - Tek
"Edmond hears him call his boys for backup and tries to perceive them... ah. And that's a 2." - Stick
"Boys?? Where? In this economy?" - Edmond
"Tek watches Garrus get rigging lessons... Tek watches everyone watch Garrus get rigging lessons." - Red
"Please dont let this be the dumb way that you die. You still have so many dumb ways to almost die, dont let this be it.” - Tek
"You have big arms. My paladin has big arms. Can I watch your arm wrestle his arm?" - Tek
"With a 20% bonus that works out to… oh. That’s a lot." - Stick
"You changing your mind?" - Red
"I might be changing my mind… oh wait, nevermind. The total has a 69 in it. Nice. We’re keeping it." - Stick
"You're the GM, DM." - Red
"I have seen her entire tits." - Red
"And she has seen your entire tits." - Stick
"It’s a GOOD RING." - Stick
"It’s the One Ring, except you dont get possessed or chased by Nazgul." - Red
"That you know of." - Stick
Chokes on tea - Red
"They both briefly take on different shapes when they're hit by lightning. Pinky is briefly a feather boa." - Red
"Edmond is briefly a feather boa." - Stick
Chokes on tea - Red
"He's going to try and shoot Remmy... no, not Remmy. The other one. The flat Remmy." - Stick
"Garrus rolled a 1 because when Tek shoved a potion in his gob, he yelled, 'Open your mouth and swallow.' He's a little distracted." - Red
"I don't think now is a good time..." - Garrus
"You've never seen a capelet having a snack before?" - Edmond
"Treasure is MVP." - Stick
"Most Valuable Princess." - Red
"The only thing saving this guy is that no one poops in this universe." - Stick
"Hey, there was a railing." - Red
"Oh man, you guys didn't go around to the other side of the lighthouse, did you? ...No reason..." - Lucien
"The eel boss hisses with some of his mouths." - Stick
"Slippy-slappy shiv-boys." - Stick
"Tek does what he does best, which is..." - Stick
"..." - Red
"..." - Stick
"...Aww." - Red
"Tek does what he does best, which is get afraid, get excited, and chug two shots out of panic." - Stick
"Crit snip!!" - Red
"He rolled a three. He doesn't know Remmy is there. He barely knows that he himself is there." - Stick
"Garrus is going upstairs unless Remmy wants to talk to him." - Stick
Pause for dice
"...Oops, Remmy wants to talk to him." - Stick
"On the way back--I don't know. You see something majestic, like... a pile of weasels sunning themselves." - Stick

How Not To Host A Murder

"I have to get my spell-slots back, Edmond." - Ita
"I have to write poetry in the garden~" - Ita, doing incredible Edmond impression
"Tek has to fully hide in his shirt to avoid laughing at his boyfriend." - Red
"You have a beautiful face." - Edmond
"Oh my god, no one has told me that in a week. My company has been everyone at once, a weird lighthouse keeper, and a lesbian." - Tek
"Please don't do anything... You know how you get at parties." - Ita
"I won't summon a couple of evil soul-clowns this time." - Edmond
"Thanks. Bring me back some cake." - Ita
"Can you imagine if you left me alone at Thundercloud's?" - Remmy
"They would ask if you need help, but not like help with clothing..." - Tek
"--But like emotional help." - Remmy
"Yeah." - Tek
"Edmond's voice has beautiful penmanship." - Stick
"House Arlen specializes in assholes." - Tek
"They're good at making them." - Remmy
"It's their major export." - Tek
"And this portrait... I don't know who this is, but I don't think they're supposed to be this sexy." - Edmond
"He might be a weirdo, but he's our weirdo!!" - Remmy
"--And that's why Remmy isn't hidden." - Red
"Get away from our creep, you creep!" - Remmy
"Garrus shoos Remmy away from the body." - Stick
"Yeah, Remmy is like, 'He didn't have anything good on him,' while eating a Werther's and counting his quarters." - Red
"You know the old saying: clown in yellow, kill that fellow." - Tek
"Ah yes-- stab a clown when he's down, you're going to frown." - Edmond

Lockhinge Interlude V

"They murdered and banged about it." - Stick
"'Turtle murder?' ...Did he mean Tortle? Did he say 'turtle' in that problematic way that we say 'fish' when we mean Locathah?" - Tek
"A turtle full of gnomes." - Garrus
"...Okay, I definitely don't know what that one means." - Tek
"Are you worried about me or something, bro?" - Remmy
"Your Draino-wound is oozing on my bed." - Tek
"Yeah, but like... what do you want?" - Tek, drunk
"A grilled cheese sandwich." - Gost, drunk
"God, you answered that so easily." - Tek
"Do you know how to cook?" - Tek
"Good god, no. That's the other reason I seem depressed." - Gost
"I forgot that Garrus and Treasure are gym buddies. If he wins at wrestling, he gets to bench-press her." - Red
"And the other way around." - Stick
"PROPS PROPS PROPS!!" - Red
"Everybody!" - Stick

30th Seasonal Crash Rally

"Not sure who wears the metaphorical pants in the relationship. But, it's probably Tek, because Gost doesn't wear a shirt." - Stick
"...Wait..." - Red
"Rats the size of men!" - Stick
"But, not Ratmen. Rats who are actual men." - Red
"Or wererats. Rats who are sometimes men." - Stick
"Or Capybaras. Rats that are maybe dogs." - Red
"Yeah, I'd fuck him. He looks like he has some aggression to work out--which, I'm into. He also looks like he's kind of a homophobe--which, I'm also into. And... that's enough about me." - Gost
"I've got 'em too... somewhere." - Goblin
"Ah yeah, Wandering Nipple Syndrome." - Tek
"Lio's meathead brother, and his meathead meathead, have both left." - Stick
"What are you doing here??" - Lio
Points at Gost. - Tek
"She gave you a VIP pass from her boobs. And she only has two of those." - Stick
"--Boobs?" - Red
"Those too." - Stick
"How does combat? How does fight? ...How does open cheese?" - Stick, struggling
"How do I spell my name?" - Goblin #1
"K. R. D. ...T. G. ..X." - Goblin #2
"..." - Tek
"Yep, that's good ol' Kr'dtg'x!" - Goblin #3
"I know this place has--" - Gost
"Whatever it is, does it go well with a stomach full of fried newt?" - Tek

"What?" - Gost
"Nothing, that was just kinda hot. I'm really into big... brains." - Tek
"Oh, he forgot to do that!" - Red
"Yeah, he kind of had an existential nap and forgot." - Stick

Lockhinge Interlude VI: Capybaras and Conflict

"He needs to freshen up so he doesn't look like a raccoon-eyed swamp-slut at brunch." - Red
"Lady Tibia, of House Lenn." - Stick
"Ha! And her husband, Lord Scapula." - Red
"Don't be ridiculous... it's Lord Fibula." - Stick
"Oh goddamnit." - Red
"That's what friends are for--being bad at stuff together." - Remmy
"We are Black Sanity!! Tunics and scrolls for sale in the lobby!" - Lead singer
"The Tieflings are out and so are their hip-windows." - Stick
"It smells like smoke and 18+ Charisma in there." - Red
"Guess I'll go see what Edmond is doing tonight, because it's apparently not Tek!" - Remmy
"Everyone is dancing and having a good time... there's always a porn-laugh somewhere in the near distance..." - Stick
"It's only because this is a fantasy world that Garrus doesn't have a massively obvious boner." - Stick
"The title of this episode is 'Conflict and Capybaras.'" - Stick

Climbing Serpent's Rest

"There are just some things you don't tell your mother." - Tek's dad
"What, did you two get dick tattoos or something??" - Tek's mom
"You stop by some tufts of grass that have been eaten..." - Stick
"Ah, a ranger has been here." - Tek
"...And big piles of poop..." - Stick
"Ah, a ranger has been here." - Tek
"Your parent thinks of like four different great things to say, and instead they say none of them." - Stick
"Your parent is attacking at disadvantage but what’s the worst that can happen?" - Stick
"Uh, do you remember what just almost happened to–" - Red
"...Treasure I’m going to need you to make a dex saving throw." - Stick
"The kid is inspired by this hero who is going to save them AND keep them from being grounded!" - Stick
"Now, does his parent just shoot the nearest shadow, or does he go out of his way to shoot the one who looks like Tek..." - Stick
"Action economy." - Red
"...Fair. Sorry, bud." - Stick
"Oh, fuck you, Shadow-Dad." - Tek
"Edmond uses his bonus action to frolic." - Stick
"Tek expects to look over at Edmond during the battle and see something unseemly." - Red
"His dad like '...is that your boyfriend?'" - Stick
"Yeah... dont mind the chalk-white featureless thing, that just happens sometimes. The sharp teeth are cool though right? ...Just ignore the way theyre chewing on each other..." - Red
"The werewolves are still stunned in the water." - Stick
"Dude... do you ever wonder if we're just in a simulation..." - Werewolf #1
"No, man, I feel like we're in someone's dream..." - Werewolf #2
"Do you ever wonder if there are alternate dimensions... like one where the ritual fails... or you don't get almost drowned by a shadow dude..." - Werewolf #1
"Roll the die. And this one, rolling low isn't necessarily a bad thi--" - Stick
"Good cuz that's a 4." - Red
"--Okay." - Stick
"Tek has the time of his life telling stories to a pile of sentient gravel." - Red
"This disctintion is very important, because wolves"- Stick
"..." - Stick
"--can hunt individually." - Stick
"Oh my god I thought that was going to be the whole sentence." - Red
"After kicking his own ass's dream... oh, nope." - Stick
"My ass has a dream!!" - Tek
"You can't keep using the 'child is having a mental breakdown' excuse again." - Jaoa
"I have unstable children." - Tek's mom

Prison Bubble

"Look, you were an unbearable twat until a few months ago." - Tek's parents
"Gost looks troubled in the 'didn't want to work overtime, Debbie, but I'm here' sort of way." - Stick
"Hello, m'lord... m'son..." - Zaven's dad
"Give me (amount that the DM is willing to let me get away with) bottles of alcohol!" - Tek
"You call this mid-upper shelf?? This is below mid-lower-upper-shelf, at best!!" - Hareed
"Do I have to ride a deer?" - Gost
"If you ask real nice, Garrus might let you ride behind him." - Tek
"..." - Gost
"I mean, unless you want to ride in front, I don't know how you--" - Tek
"Gost looks angry." - Stick
"That's why I didn't want to ride with that guy, that thing's massive." - Gost
"...OH, you mean the deer!" - Tek
"Gost looks angry." - Stick
"Tek leaves Treasure behind because it's better... Also, because the DM will let me bring an extra boy." - Red
"Everyone in the world is there to see the parade of three deer and a fuckin' elk through the castle to the teleporter." - Stick
"That's because mom made it seem like she wanted everyone to see the spectacle, but she really wanted to protect her stuff with more bodies." - Red
"You wake up." - Stick
"...From sleeping at the tavern?" - Red
"No."
"Uh-oh..." - Red
"Zaven doesn't love having his brain rifled through like a spoon drawer." - Stick
"Zaven is not normally a punch-a-dick person." - Stick
"Hey, there's always magic-missile-to-the-dick. It'll be good practice because it'll be a small target." - Tek
"Zaven cheers up." - Stick
"Yak Mom, please bless these balls." - Tek
"Hey, those guys on the roof have dicks too." - Zaven
"Fuck!! Are you kidding me?? That felt like a nat one!" - Gost
"Because he's mad, he uses action surge to try again... And that's a crit." - Stick
"So he yells like a child and then fully kills a man." - Red
"Bonus action: stand there and look intimidating." - Stick
"Okay... Serious question. Do you rent beards here?" - Tek
"Sometimes they find bird bones at Hawkmaster when it rains." - Girl
"Ooo, so a place for a date night." - Tek
"Oh, I forgot something about Killer. As a reaction, he can be a very good boy." - Stick
"You're welcome to sit at any table except that one." - Mr. Bloodfist
"..." - Everyone
"...Is it like, someone always--" - Tek
"It's missing a leg." - Mr. Bloodfist
"Oh." - Tek
"...Hmm. Looks like they could use some regulations." - Gost
"And rabies shots." - Tek
"Edmond is not with you, but you did catch smell of him." - Stick
"My name is Shandira Archfall." - Shandira
"Flat feet, huh?" - Tek
"It runs in the family." - Shandira
"Tek sees Gost have the face of 'welp, time to see if I can die by bomb.'" - Stick
"You know, people don't get that mad unless they really liked you. I didn't know you had it in you!" - Tek
"Shut up." - Gost
"Welp, guess I'll be earning Renegade points today." - Tek
"Gost has been turned into his least favorite thing... a vegetable." - Stick
"I should have been thinking about strategy, but instead my brain was like 'how did the lyrics to that one Adele song go?'" - Stick
"Taking a moment to look at my life: devouring fried chicken, ice pack stuffed into my sports bra, looking at a combat table." - Red
"Pretty good summary of our lives right there." - Stick
"Please take a point of inspiration for the single meanest... I just hit you with radiation and a fireball, but this is terrible." - Stick
"This is what you get! You ate your own nephew!" - Red
"Well, hopefully it's just the volcano collapsing and not the room on the other side of the portal." - Red
Just blinks and says nothing. - Stick
"Who is this fancy-ass noble coming in here and--" - Tommy
"No, Tommy, dont... I'm sorry about him, he's--" - Knight
"--Unemployed." - Tek
"...Welp. Sorry, Tommy." - Knight
"I mean, we're BFFs of course, because you know once you push over a log and eat roly-polies together..." - Remmy
"That is the famous saying, yes." - Tek
"You remember that week when I was really sad?" - Remmy
"Do I remember that week when the sky was blue?" - Tek

How to Regrow a Brain

"Garrus is still a little rough. He could use some spackle." - Stick
"They got him the best food they could find. Someone found a cucumber slice to put in his water." - Stick
"This is definitely a summer squash, but thank you." - Tek
"He's like a toddler." - Remmy
"A big toddler with class levels, yep." - Tek
"Ah yes, the Tiefling horses." - Old Stablehand
"Haha, I get it. Because Tieflings have horns, and the deer have horns--" - Tek
"I know my horses." - Old Stablehand
"Glad we even managed to get him safely in here. It's like he'd rolled a nat twenty on the How Much To Be A Pain table." - Tek
"Zaven is high on emotions and two glasses of wine." - Stick
"No thanks, I'm the DD tonight." - Creed
"...Don't you guys just have to make it over there?" - Bartender
"I heard these kids broke into someone's house on the walk home across the street once." - Creed
"Happy to have you here, sir." - Bartender
"Edmond is sober, but who can tell?" - Stick
"If either of you is going to Gost's room, don't startle him." - Garrus
"Should either of us be in his room?" - Tek
"What do you mean?" - Garrus
Tek and Remmy try to high-five, Remmy hits Tek in the face.
"...Okay, you two will be in the other room." - Garrus
"Creed, Garrus, and Edmond are in one room. Which is enough adults to even out Edmond." - Stick
"Zaven is in a room with two happy, drapey gay boys and he doesn't hate it." - Stick
"Zaven learns something about himself. Maybe he'll host more sleepovers! Maybe he'll make changes to the hideout!" - Red
"Maybe I'll make the hideout bigger... Maybe I'll move out... Maybe I'll make a bunch of dimension rooms..." - Zaven
"And that's how Zaven opened his own kink parlor." - Stick
"What's that look for?? You fed a deer and I miss my toner! We've both changed as people, okay??" - Remmy
"Tek plays 'show Gost things from the bag,' because with two hands occupied, he can't throw a punch or open doors." - Red
"Tek has never platonically wrestled in his life." - Red
"Okay, since you're gay-wrestling, I'll let you use Acrobatics instead of Athletics." - Stick
"So, you were hoping to hustle back to Sren's Port--" - Stick
"But we remembered we had a six-foot-tall infant, yeah." - Red
"You're definitely the locals' favorite, they'll probably name a holiday after you." - Stick
"Or at least a rad barbecue festival." - Red
"Cat's out of the bag! I know you're smart, you fuckin' beehive!" - Tek, to Pinky