Wild Lawyers were the scourge of Nunya during The First Age, until an anarchist called Richard Butcher formed a posse to hunt down and destroy the untamed attorneys once and for all.
Created by a group of human, elven, and dwarven lawmakers who had been driven mad by The Calamity which brought them to Eden, wild lawyers were a subspecies of amici imaginarium. Yes, they’d been brought to life through a series of contract negotiations instead of through the imagination of a child, but they were still just a bunch of ideas made real by the power of faith.
These instruments of destruction, created by their makers for the express written purpose of ridding the world of joy and happiness—they were relentless. Wherever they roamed, they served court orders, threatened legal action, and promised penalties for noncompliance. They sued the pants off the fans of the author C.S. Lewis when said fans wanted to call their new homeland REDACTED, leaving them despondent and trouserless. They deafened the children of Chelmsdale with legalese when those young whippersnappers dared to paint an unsanctioned mural of a certain cartoon mouse. And they almost killed the Everything Ever Produced project in its cradle by smothering the poor thing with an avalanche of cease & desist letters.
Because they were trying to be funny while also going slightly mad, the creators of the first wild lawyers imagined them as chimpanzees wearing suits. And so, that’s just what each of them looks like: a chimp in a three-piece.
Genetics and Reproduction
Wild lawyers, unlike actual chimpanzees, are sterile. They can only reproduce by gathering in a groups of three or more (plus witnesses) to draft articles of incorporation.
Growth Rate & Stages
Once the parties to its creation have signed it into existence, a wild lawyer emerges from the contract fully formed.
Dietary Needs and Habits
Wild lawyers subsist on the pain, sadness, and misery of others. In a pinch, they can get by on naught but mild discomfort, but they truly do prefer outright despondency and despair if they can get it.