From the Daylog of Vaeol-Zheieveil Yaranevae be’Son
2. Ashelae, 24,542 - Son [15 days since last entry]
It has been far too long since I wrote. Remaue brought my daylog ereyesterday. Yet I had no heart to start. I have spent the last two days staring at this little book, feeling guilty, and now slowly, fumblingly begin.
If only I knew what to write. I have been split asunder, torn to tatters, and set back together into what I know not. Who am I?
I will begin with what I can remind. I remind my hairwise being done, my sidelocks freshly shaven to better show my stripes, Remaue and Kaure braiding and tying curls, and combing it over my left shoulder teasingly while they set a sprig of dreyweep-blooms over my right ear. I remind my lovemates knotting a goldcloth skirt low on my waist, whose hem hung almost to the floor on the left and rose to knee on my right, and a threadworked rose scarf overtied in a brideknot. My loves drew blessing-runes in oilcoal on my nape and back, and a small row right under my belly-button, which Remaue merrily named the smudge-row.
I remind Lady-Mother coming into the room, tears glistening in her eyes, her fingers rising to hide her smile.
I remind fighting the want to lift my arms and hide my bosom when they led me to the midyard-hall. I have worn a halter for more than twenty years, ever since my maidenhood, as a loreling, firdling, and outrider, and the thought of letting my breast bare before so many eyes unsettled queerly. At the same time, I bewaringly could not touch them, lest I smear the gold-dust my loves had sifted upon my bosom and the myrrh-gum they had slathered.
My father was weeping even more openly than Lady-Mother. Before the whole throng he knelt at my feet and kissed my hands, and then my belly. I wanted so dearly to hug him, but settled for kissing his brow. Shill came with him and looked with shy, worshipful eyes. I squeezed his hand and kissed him as well. Raeonyl stood in her firdling’s dress and nearly leapt from thrill. Even my lady-sisters waited and seemingly were behaving themselves. My whole kindred but for my brother Devaeas and his wifemate were here.
Then I beheld Oshis with Erymi, and ringed by our cheering housemates. At my sight he was grinning so foolishly I almost laughed. His thews gleamed bronzily, nicely set against his red loincloth. His locks, beard, and shoulders were trimmed and shorn to a nice manly stubble.
I remind dreaming of how his stubble pricking and biting my flesh would feel.
From Erymi’s hand hither ran little Tesine. She halted at my knee, awe in her eyes, and asked if I would make a babe with her father. I knelt down, kissed her brow, and asked if she would like a babe as her own blood-kin. She nodded, grinning mirth.
I witted Istae and Queen Taiase (or Lady, as I should rightfully call her), who were not only standing together but holding hands. We halted, and I kissed them both in cheer. They asked how I knew, to which I answered I had already an inkling when we came to Son. I wished them all my love and gladness.
Then my mother, now openly weeping, Remaue, and Kaure led me until the bower set before the midyard’s milk-tree, where waited the priestess, who welcomed all to this holy tide and spoke the Mother-Goddess’s blessing…
...Then my yestermind fades to a dark roar as I split asunder...
I woke where I knew not, on a bed in an unknown room, nor even knowing myself until I beheld Kaure sitting beside. She startled when I spoke her name, our love and kindred flooding back. Neither did I understand why she sobbed so, almost wailingly, when she kissed me, nor why she called for a healer.
The healer came in, and only slowly did I wit he came for my behalf. Soon thereafter came Remaue with Lanaryel, and afterward Lady-Mother. They both behaved samely at my sight, falling aknee at the bed, kissing and hugging me, and sobbing so sorely as Kaure. I got no answer as to what had befallen or why I was here, nor why I felt so weak, nor where were Erymi and our daughter. They only bade I must tarry and regather strength, and left me wondering why I had come to stay within the healthward.
The next day, they again came, and also brought Erymi and Tesine. At their sight I was overglad, though something struck oddly. Erymi seemed shorter than selfsome. Wiselessly, I rushed from the bed and kissed her. Then I tried to lift and whirl her, as has been my wont ever since I first wooed her. Oddly, I could hardly get her off the ground. Aloss, I looked to her (downward, not upward) and tried to reckon what had shifted. She gazed back, gladness and relief bewritten broadly, but also an underlying sorrow.
I looked from her to Kaure and Remaue, who watched with the same worry. Something had misbefallen, and I asked what.
Remaue’s eyes bore tears when she leaned near and kissed my brow:
~Komori~ she choked.
~Komori~. At the word, an unsooth fear overtook: a dream of cursed wights knowing not their own selves, uncanny to speak, unknowing their own minds.
~Komori~, a blight when a mind becomes too entangled in another and draws shards mingled afterward. To my best knowledge, there is no healing-craft, else than to have the soul-seers burn out a meddlesome mindwhit, though so they may also wither whits of the sooth-self. The healers can merely reckon how much of the sooth-self outstays and try to make it whole.
I bear a shard of Oshis’s self within me; the only question is which share, and can I handle it?
I have gleaned what befell after my yestermind missed. After the priestess’s womb-blessing, Erymi had shown forth Oshis. At his kneel, I had taken his hand. Then under the elder hymn, Erymi, Remaue, and Kaure had hosted us twain to the bride-room my mother had forereadied, set with more drey-weeps, smellsome waxblazes, and feylights. While I sat on the bed’s edge, Erymi had stripped Oshis. He had knelt, taken and kissed my hand, and asked leave, to which I had smilingly yaysaid and let him untie my brideknot, and then my skirt.
I feel cheated I have none of these mindwhits. How unfair that a bride is forgotten of her own bridetide.
Quoth Remaue, after Oshis worshiped me somewhile and I spoke readiness, while he lay against the pillow, Erymi and Remaue had eased me astraddle. Yet through our mindshare, they had witted a growing worry within me, almost growing to fright, though I had bidden to keep forth.
And then something went wrong. From their word, it felt as if my mind faded. Oshis at once bewitted the wrongness, and had withdrawn. Yet then I fell into a queer and throesome fit, even until Remaue and Kaure strove to catch me down, Erymi yelled for the house grooms. They had needfully bound me until the healers came.
Another thing also happened at the stroke. Down in the stall-barn Ess went mad, for eyesomely the
~Komori~ had broken our bond. The barn-grooms told he had become newly wild, and almost they feared they might need to slay him until someone found a sleep-stinger. Then they bound him, and after he woke, dragged him to the Shota-fields and let him go, where he fled into the wood. I fear for him, and also that I may not find him again.
None knows why the
~Komori~ strikes. Forebelievingly, it strikes soul-seers more meanly than else folk. Once it strikes, the wretch is foreguessed more likely to fall again, which raises foresight of becoming a queer mind-muddle where the sooth-self is overblotched. At thought that my self has smudged, that I am no longer who I was, I shrive fright overtook, and shamefully tell the healers had to send me to sleep, lest I hurt myself witlessly.
I awoke doubting all about myself, even whose body I hold. At my call, however, the healers brought a looking-glass, at whose sight of my rose-gold hair and ruddy stripes my worry relieved. I am whom I believe, which at least is a good tell. Quoth the healers, the
~Komori~ struck but lightly. After their mind-seech, they deemed I had taken but some stray mindwhits, and broadly stay Vaeol, though such outlays my eagerness to see Erymi and bethinking Tesine my daughter. If I love them more dearly, I have no great wound, though it does befuddle.
Then I thought of Oshis steadfast and faithful, like a bound Shota who will not leave its rider even to save its own life. I had not yet seen him, though would think he would be waiting at my bedside, right like Kaure. I know him too well (and dare say even better now) to believe he would do elsewise. When Remaue, Kaure, Tae and Erymi came the next day, I asked what had befallen our manlove.
Forecatchingly, they withheld answer. I looked to Erymi and again beheld her face’s sorrow from her first sight, only now I guessed it rankled not merely for my sake. I asked what had befallen Oshis. Yet she shook her head, with tears welling.
Tae instrode and set hand on my shoulder.
~Domonyadas,~ - “He is forbanned,” she whispered.
Her answer stalled me breathless. The
~Komori~ is none’s guilt. It takes whomever it will. My gaze ringed at all my loves, seeking answer, though I witted Kaure staring shamefully at the floor.
Ere I could speak, Tae outlaid further that it was Lady-Mother’s curse. She had come into the brideroom and seen firsthand my illness, which had overwrought her so much as any else. Soon as the healers had borne me away, she had stood forth and cursed him. Then house-grooms had hustled him out. Eyesome that, when the High Matron bans someone, a trial does not beneed. They told Oshis had left the City by the next day.
His banship’s reason, however, did not soften the shame. Against the healers’ rede and my loves’ pleas, I left the healthward and dashed over the heartyard. By sotten luck, Lady-Mother was at her house and not within the Matrons’ Hall, for when I showed wearing nothing but a wrapped bedshroud, such a sight upon the Matrons’ Floor would doubtlessly have gotten me borne back to the healthward and heavily sleep-dithered. As it was, a whole team of house-grooms aftercame, yelling halt and begging my soothness, when I found my mother in her sunderroom. I outnamed her for Oshis’s banship. I bade her tell why she had done such a misdeed when such a doom holds no fairness.
Lady-Mother looked rather shakenly. Then she rose, hardened, and walked forth to me. She then asked how she could behold me, her youngest, dearest daughter on my bridetide, naked, afit, and even with that rough Korasha’s voice and words coming from my throat.
~Stiahi di reasazyas?~ - “How could it not be his guilt? she asked back. Then she outspoke that she stood within her right. Futhermore, she added, this was not his first sin against me, for she reminded he had undergone thralldom for striking me at Remaue’s bridetide.
I overlooked her unbelievingly, my mother, selfsomely so kindly and noble, even meek in behavior. Here stood nothing like, but a haughtiness I had erenever seen, and much the High Matron. I spoke that Oshis belongs to my house, that he is mine to deem. This unfairness shall not stand, I outquoth.
By then Remaue and Kaure had joined the ringing grooms. They begged me come back to the healthward and warned such bother might bring a new fit. My mother added my words came doubtlessly from the illness, and that I should withdraw, and she would forgive this thing.
At that, I fell into war-mind, bringing Remaue and Kaure to my side, sharp as a shield-wall. Lady-Mother bewitted. As she read my face, she grew wan, and I think fully understood my wrath. Something wilted within her, though she did not yield. As one, my lovemates and I marched from the house and back to the healthward, where I stood upon the window-deck and prowled, against all begs to slumber.
That deedtide was five days ago. Lady-Mother has not seen me sinceward, and I have not asked. I am overwrought with worry, not only for my mind’s health, but for Oshis outcast, Ess lost, and for all our loves who have taken this ill brunt. Yet now I must set quill down and end this log, for at last I am weary and may hopefully sleep.
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