~A Yue~ - based on Wilfrid Owen’s ‘To Eros’

~A Yue~
~Halaeadaf yuazara dosholara lomara; oe sholara,~
~Yeio domya yuazif hei sholi-sya.~
~Lorrealya kedaf o’yiathi-Davirasti~
~Shiveiano soreatho o’vosi ziayo.~


~Heio voazyelvas ri thim erose,~
~Qeiadis; hodaeztis arila-vasra; siandis.~
~Nirdaf esaelya hoziya bealiya;~
~Hozi-thesiri, sya mildaf anozassya Anmara~
~Ti lani-vei. O’evani astandavas,~
~O’elenassi ryura lomaura vi-tarassaura.~


Recently I came across Owen’s poem. Its theme and energy struck me, and also that it would fit well within my vision of Lashunta art and culture. So I worked out a translation into Lashunta, with a quick & dirty retranslation into English to show the shifts in imagery caused by word choices and known cultural difference (the English original appears to the right, with a by-line comparison at the bottom).
If you compare to the original, you will see there some obvious imagery differences. ‘First Man’ ~Daviras~ replaces bridegroom, along with ‘bridetide’ - ~soreatha~ replacing wedding. I also did away with the reference to sandals, changing it to slippery feet. By pure coincidence the Lashunta word for ‘slippery’ is ~erosa~, which became too tempting to resist, based on the original poem’s title. I also replaced ‘Olympian snows’ with Heaven - ~Anma~.
One last dilemma: I had to choose a gender for the subject. In both classical reference and the original, Eros is a masculine figure. Yet the Lashunta word for erotic love, ~Yue~ takes the spiritual gender, although the final -e suffix can often be feminine. I realized that a grammatical choice could have huge implications within this poem’s meaning. In the end, after going back and doing some quick reading of literary criticism of Owen’s life to better understand the original’s context, I realized, while I didn’t want to ignore his original message, my translation was driving toward some different elements. Due to Lashunta culture being dominated by the Damaya Matriarchy (in both good and bad ways), I decided to play on the spiritual-feminine gender flip within ~Yue~ and went with feminine, in which the translation becomes becomes a portrait of a male Korasha falling victim to female manipulation. Thus ~erosa~ shifts to ~erose~ to agree with the poem's subject, and I removed any translation to ‘Boy’ occurring in the original's third line, which also seemed to help the rhythm.

~A Yue~ - Oh, Lust

~Halaeadaf yuazara dosholara lomara; oe sholara,~

(I slew all false lovers, and the true,)

~Yeio domya yuazif hei sholi-sya.~

(So that nothing I might desire but your truth.)

~Lorrealya kedaf o’yiathi-Davirasti~

(Nameworth I cast as a First Man)

~Shiveiano soreatho o'vosi ziayelo.~

(His bridetide loincloth gladly hastens.)

~Heio voazyelvas ri thim erose,~

(But when I fell before your slippery feet,)

~Qeiadis; hodaeztis arila-vasra; siandis.~

(You laughed; you loosed away my antennae; you rose.)

~Nirdaf esaelya hoziya bealiya;~

(I heard the song of your fleeing wings;)

~Hozi-thesiri, sya mildaf anozassya Anmara~

(Far-flown, I watched you drive though Heaven)

~Ti lani-vei. O’evani astandavas,~

(Beyond my hope. Starkly I came home,)

~O’elenassi ryura lomaura vi-tarassaura.~

(To stare upon the ash of all burned by me.)

Owen’s Original: To Eros
I slew all falser loves; I slew all true,
That I might nothing love but your truth, Boy.
Fair fame I cast away as bridegrooms do
Their wedding garments in their haste of joy.

But when I fell upon your sandalled feet,
You laughed; you loosed away my lips; you rose.
I heard the singing of your wing's retreat;
Far-flown, I watched you flush the Olympian snows
Beyond my hoping. Starkly I returned
To stare upon the ash of all I burned