Interview with Charlie Stoneacre
ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON, OR MORE OF A NIGHT OWL?
Oh, I don’t see a lotta mornings, unless it’s cos a shindig’s gone on all night! Who throws a party first thing? Course, any time some silly sap does, I’ll be there – I gotta; it’s not a party if I’m not there! If you wanna talk about my bedroom habits, I’m not that kinda girl – but I just can’t bear to lie still unless I’m all conked out from floorflushing or jinglebrained from bubbles, so it’s gotta be the other end of the candle that gets the snoozing and soaking! Now, don’t you go picturing that! It ain’t nice to think of a girl out of her makeup.
WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT A PERSON WHEN YOU MEET THEM?
Most folks I meet it’s in a mixer, so first thing I notice is whether they’re an oliver or a corn shredder! I lost a dog-kennel to a fella once, though he went kit-over-caboodle in the process and he was enough of a sweetie to fish it outa the fountain he sent it to. If they ain’t there to dance, though, I’ll cop to having proclivs for a cute snout on a boy and a snappy hairdo on a fellow biscuit, and if they ain’t got either of those, I’ll admire the gladrags.
YOU SEE A HUGE SPIDER IN YOUR ROOM, WHAT DO YOU DO?
Gosharooni, I probably squeal! Then I guess I sweep it away unless there’s a keen enough larry in the other parlour I like the up-and-down of enough to make him do some legwork for a poor suffering gal!
IF YOU COULD GO BACK AND CHANGE ONE DECISION YOU MADE IN THE PAST, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Oh, ishkabibble; I ain’t got time to go mooning at the past when there’s so much to tickle in the other two gin joints! The past can look out for its own coat and hat, mack; present’s got it licked every time for decisions to make, and who knows what kinda glitter we could scare up outa the future?
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FIRST KISS.
Ooh, gollarooni, I don’t tend to keep a catalogue that far back – I don’t got so big of an upper story, ya know; it’d fill up pretty quick if I didn’t sweep it out every now and then of whatever tacky hokum got stuck in there! It was probably a treat I was paying some lollygag lobster for a night on the town before I had a proper golden meal ticket to take care of my entry fees, and he musta been the kind that’s either a charity man or running outa options since I woulda been a gangly little jane back then with one okay dress and two rotten ones, and I can only figure he was a nice-enough average Joe since either a real airdale or a sheikh woulda been worth keeping books on! I betcha if you find him he’d tell ya I was an instant natural from the start, though!
DO YOU GIVE PEOPLE SECOND CHANCES?
Well, sure, but only if they make it fun, or I forget who they were!
ARE YOU A CAT PERSON OR A DOG PERSON?
Aw, goshski, a pretty little kitty-cat’s about the only thing I’ll ever stop hoofing for a moment for! Some pussycats are even sylvan enough to get into the Green Room, and we always get along swell! No knife intended to any kiyoodles out there – I’ve met some chickens with little elbow-pups as cute as a bug’s ear; they’re a rack of shelves above plenty of other creepy crawlies! But a cat’s miaow is the cat’s miaow, don’t ya think?!
DO YOU THINK YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE?
I own a mirror, buster, I know what I am!
WHAT’S YOUR WORST HABIT?
I drink, I gamble, I scandalise the bluenoses, I’ve been known to get snugglepuppy with fellas that ain’t always my date, I turn up whether you invite me or not, I hear the papers say that once or twice I’ve maybe gotten premarital, and I don’t always stick at a function long enough to pay the bill – take your pick! I don’t smoke, though, that’s the only way I’m letting down the image. Some egghead’s gotta invent a cigarette that tastes better!
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Aw, c’mon, what’s the use in wasting brains thinkin’ about sob stuff, when there’s so many other feathers to chew on? Probably some mean teeth from a dumb broad or some roughneck bozo trying to tighten a screw; those stories are a dime a dozen and a snoozarama to read.
ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR?
Not a bit of it – everything I say is the gods’ honest truth! Ask whoever you like!
WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?
Bluenoses, killjoys, grundies, puritans, prohibitionists, alarm clocks, fire extinguishers, chaperones, frumps, nags, wet blankets, vice-bulls, and any other old wrinkles who can’t let a gal have a good time.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN?
Not since I crushed out of the priscilla pen in Kingspoint they used to keep me under glass in a million years ago. I’d need to pin it down to someone first, and I’m not that kinda girl! Ain’t none of my organs can stay where they’re put for long!
ARE YOU MORE LIKELY TO USE YOUR FISTS OR YOUR WORDS IN AN ARGUMENT?
I’m a pretty wicked hand at both, bo, but for most fights the toothy jaw’s a better chiv if you’re not lookin’ to spoil the party!
WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU’RE NATURALLY GOOD AT?
Oh, absotively zip, except for dressing up and hoofing and chinning and drinking and styling makeovers and playing piano and singing and flirting and joking and inventing new dances and kissing and cuddling and petting and spinning yarns and skipping tabs and sneaking and baking and schmoozing and slipping away and livening up a room and making lights and pulling the wool over people’s eyes and mixing drinks and showing folks a good time in more ways than a few. But apart from all that, I’m an absotively useless rattlebox; it’s just lucky I’m pretty!
WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU HAD TO WORK HARD TO BE GOOD AT?
I’m not really a working kinda girl, boski. If it doesn’t come naturally to me and I can’t get somebody to treat me to it, it usually isn’t worth getting – that’s how I dance! But anyhoo, if you promise you can keep it on the strict Q.T., there is this one thing I can do with my tongue that took me a lot of practice with a few different fellas, but I ain’t giving you any more details on that – I’m not that kinda girl either!
CAN YOU TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU?
Well sure, bo: If a fella’s in the room and he ain’t an ethel or hopelessly solid for another girl, you can bet your last clam he’s either flirting with me, fighting with me, or he’s already a stiff! You can tell the stiff ones by the smell and the fighting ones by the noise. A hopeless solid never looks away from his main squeeze, so that just leaves the flirters and the ethels – and if I can’t figure that one out, a long close dance’ll always tip the hand!
DO YOU THINK MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS?
Oh, absotively posilutely, but it doesn’t have to be your own!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN DESTINY?
Ah, phooey! I’d like to see the Fate that could keep me on a thread!
ARE YOU A GOOD COOK?
What girl isn’t? Some wet blankets’ll say it doesn’t count if you use a magic trick, but that’s applesauce. I’ve never heard a cake-eater choose anyone else’s pickings over mine, that’s for sure!
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE?
I’ll think about that when I’m dead, buster!
DID YOU HAVE TO GROW UP FAST?
You saying I look old? You’re lucky I know that’s obvio too much bunk to take on the face. Anyone can tell you I’m the springest chicken on the farm, and I’m gonna be for longer than any of ya except some of the long-livs. I’ll grow up when I’m dead, pap. Tougher killjoys than you have tried and failed to make me!
WHO DO YOU LOOK UP TO?
I know a jane who really runs every fun-racket this side of the border. She’s a real ritzy elegant dame, makes the meanest drinks anywhere in at least two worlds, and the only birdy I’ve met who’s prettier than I am – I’m talking an airtight peacherino, like the movie star a movie star gets jealous at – and she’s no tomato in the upper story; got more brains than the whole Senate rolled up in one. I’m a happier hen being me than I would be as anyone else, but I’d sure take my hat off to that lady if I was enough of a jizzie to wear a proper hat!
WHEN YOU GO TO A SPEAKEASY, WHAT DO YOU ORDER?
Oh, I’ll take just-about whatever tiger milk’s on offer, but if anyone else is paying I’ll take a few bottles of fizz for quantity and a gin martini for quality! My posilute fave is a mix they call a Lindyhop Spritz, but you really need the Elven stuff to throw one of those together, and every jack knows that’s gotten harder every year since prohibition passed! Between you, me and the wallpaper, though, I know a little juice joint that serves the most delish flavours of green stuff, so good you don’t even notice you’re scrooched – my fave of those is ‘Rooftop Jazz Night’!
WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?
Did I tell you I invented the Charleston? That’s where it gets the name!
WHAT DO YOU LIKE LEAST ABOUT YOURSELF?
You really can’t tell a soul or it’d crush just buckets of dreams from here to the Old World, and I’m only letting you in cos I know this ain’t gonna be published, but you see this perfect slimline I got that everyone goes nuts for? A little bit of it’s just a tight bandeau and a flattering gown cut. Can you believe it? I’m a fraud! A front-heavy hoofer at the Ananias Club! Oh, the guilt of it! Get me a stiff drink so I can soldier on!
DO YOU WANT KIDS SOMEDAY?
Oh yuck, I simply couldn’t – I’d be horrif! I’ve met some plenty cute sprogskis here and there, but surely no-one wants to be the one to have them? That’s why the godskis had to make so many fellas dishes and make the horizontal Charleston the bee’s knees! Am I allowed to say that on record? Did it anyway!
ARE YOU A PLANNER OR MORE SPONTANEOUS?
No fun being all rigid and square! Hoof it on the wild side, jack! The holes are where all the fun leaks in!
CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?
Nope! Only my own! Try and make me carry another jake’s and I’ll spill it all over the tablewear!
DO YOU LIKE BEING THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION?
Oh, I hate it – isn’t it hateful? [giggles]
IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?
Ah, I’m a live-in-the-moment kinda gal; I think I’d take it on the chin and give myself a wild send-off! Paint the town so red they put my picture up in the vice squad clubhouse even after I’ve keeled over!
DO YOU ENJOY GETTING ALL DRESSED UP FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION?
It’s the berries – and I don’t get dressed for anything else! No sense being seen unless you’re looking swell! Gotta be one of my Top Ten Time-wasters, right after hoofing, gabbing, petting, kissing, drinking, gambling, parlour games, and one or two I can’t say aloud! Primping up’s about all I do when I’m not showing off my handiwork at another teafight or jazz night!
WHERE DO YOU FEEL SAFE?
Who wants to feel safe? What’s life without a little danger?! Course, I do have a cosy little garret of my own when I need to soak in the tub or catch a few Zs so I can keep on fighting form – but you’re not invited!
DO YOU LOVE OR HATE BEING ALONE?
I dunno, I’ve never tried it! It sounds beastly! Actually, between you and me and the wallpaper, I did used to be alone sometimes a long, long time ago, back before I invented the Charleston, and it was a real flat tire type of way to spend an evening. Good rids!
WHAT’S THE LAST NIGHTMARE YOU REMEMBER HAVING?
Hey, screwy, why would I wanna remember a nightmare? I mighta been at some pretty dire parties a few times, but they were only a nightmare until I turned up – that’s what I’m there for!
DO YOU ADMIT TO MISTAKES WHEN YOU MAKE THEM?
Mistakes are all I do – that’s what makes life fun!
DO YOU WANT TO GROW UP TO BE LIKE YOUR PARENTS?
Ah, raspberries – both of my folks were big-time bluenosers; the flattest tires around. The less we talk about them the better.
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH BEING SICK? ARE YOU STOIC OR SUPER WHINEY?
What’s the point of being a girl if you don’t whine to some stud when you need a little extra pampering? Or you just feel like pretending?
WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS EXPECT FROM YOU WHEN YOU WERE BORN?
When I was born? I dunno, probably to cry a lot like any other anklebiteski. After that they obvio figured I oughta be a homespun priscilla and help tickle their baldhead friends for ‘em until I was old enough to marry off to some hoity-toit wet blanket boob and never have a lick of fun – so I hopped a trolley or two til I got to Atramentum, and good rid to the pair of ‘em!
DO YOU HAVE A STRONG SENSE OF STYLE?
Are you kidding? I’m the Number One It Birdy in all the gossip rags! Ain’t even a trend in the last eight yearskis I didn’t set!
WOULD YOU RATHER CAMP OUTDOORS OR STAY THE NIGHT IN AN INN?
I’ll stay the night anywhere if there’s a party, but it won’t be for snoozskis! I got a secret hideout for that!
IS THERE A FOOD THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKE BUT YOU ABSOLUTELY HATE?
Being as sweet as I am, all my teeth are sweet teeth! You can get outa here with your grapefruit and zuchinnis! I won’t even take coffee unless it’s mostly sugar. Tried a cancer-stick once but I couldn’t stand the flavour! I won’t kiss a goof that smokes unless he’s a real cutie-fella.
ARE YOU MORE OF A HOARDER OR A MINIMALIST?
Sometimes more is more, dontcha think? B’sides, it’d be real icy to just say no to a fancy gift some gallant went to the troub of handing out, and I gotta stash ‘em all somewhere!
ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS?
I may be already taken for patronage, but Lady Luck and I are still on speaking terms. I got a lucky boa, lucky feather, lucky bracelets, lucky jewels, lucky dice, lucky stuffed octopus, and a set of panties so lucky only the luckiest guys in the world can even see them! None of them seem to work for me, but that’s hardly worth fussing over!
ARE YOU THE KIND OF PERSON WHO REMEMBERS PEOPLE’S BIRTHDAYS AND PET’S NAMES AND STUFF?
Wouldn’t you know, that’s the only three things my upper story tends to have in it – birthdays so I know whose party to attend, pet’s names so I know what to coo at the little sweetskis, and lots of stuff, to fill it out – like a teddy!
WHAT DO YOU DO TO FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU’RE SAD?
The same thing I do to feel better when I’m not – go out on the hoofski, until I’m either too busy making pals or too jinglebrained from the hooch to remember what I was sad about! If it’s a real sticky type of blues I might need a soak in the bubbletub with a dimestore novel and a chunk of cake, and then a long makeover, but ya gotta be a real stinker to wallop me that hard - and a real lowlife to even want to, given everyone knows I’m the sweetest peach around and I never hurt nobody on purpose or do much of anything on purpose at all.
IS IT HARD FOR YOU TO TRUST SOMEONE?
Givin’ every guy the third degree like that sounds like a total frump lifestyle, so I don’t want a bit of it. If I trust ya too easily and you try something fresh, that’s your problem, bo.
ARE YOU SUSCEPTIBLE TO PEER PRESSURE?
Come on, jackski – how can I follow a trend when I’m the jane that sets them all?!
IF YOU DECIDED TO STOP ADVENTURING AND SETTLE DOWN, WHAT KIND OF JOB WOULD YOU TAKE?
You got a tile loose, mack – that’s cuckoo-talk! You think I’d ever settle down, you gotta be full of more prunes than a grandma! Apart from being squirrelfeed all over, no job would take me = except maybe the taxi rink again, which I guess is where I’d have to land if I lost my meal ticket.
AS A KID, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP?
Oh, I just wanted to go to a dance and a nickelodeon! Spent a little time as a taxi-dancer and a charity-girl which fit me terrif-ly and I probably woulda kept up until I got too old and ugly to treat or hoof with, only now I never have time!
Oh, I don’t see a lotta mornings, unless it’s cos a shindig’s gone on all night! Who throws a party first thing? Course, any time some silly sap does, I’ll be there – I gotta; it’s not a party if I’m not there! If you wanna talk about my bedroom habits, I’m not that kinda girl – but I just can’t bear to lie still unless I’m all conked out from floorflushing or jinglebrained from bubbles, so it’s gotta be the other end of the candle that gets the snoozing and soaking! Now, don’t you go picturing that! It ain’t nice to think of a girl out of her makeup.
WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT A PERSON WHEN YOU MEET THEM?
Most folks I meet it’s in a mixer, so first thing I notice is whether they’re an oliver or a corn shredder! I lost a dog-kennel to a fella once, though he went kit-over-caboodle in the process and he was enough of a sweetie to fish it outa the fountain he sent it to. If they ain’t there to dance, though, I’ll cop to having proclivs for a cute snout on a boy and a snappy hairdo on a fellow biscuit, and if they ain’t got either of those, I’ll admire the gladrags.
YOU SEE A HUGE SPIDER IN YOUR ROOM, WHAT DO YOU DO?
Gosharooni, I probably squeal! Then I guess I sweep it away unless there’s a keen enough larry in the other parlour I like the up-and-down of enough to make him do some legwork for a poor suffering gal!
IF YOU COULD GO BACK AND CHANGE ONE DECISION YOU MADE IN THE PAST, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Oh, ishkabibble; I ain’t got time to go mooning at the past when there’s so much to tickle in the other two gin joints! The past can look out for its own coat and hat, mack; present’s got it licked every time for decisions to make, and who knows what kinda glitter we could scare up outa the future?
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FIRST KISS.
Ooh, gollarooni, I don’t tend to keep a catalogue that far back – I don’t got so big of an upper story, ya know; it’d fill up pretty quick if I didn’t sweep it out every now and then of whatever tacky hokum got stuck in there! It was probably a treat I was paying some lollygag lobster for a night on the town before I had a proper golden meal ticket to take care of my entry fees, and he musta been the kind that’s either a charity man or running outa options since I woulda been a gangly little jane back then with one okay dress and two rotten ones, and I can only figure he was a nice-enough average Joe since either a real airdale or a sheikh woulda been worth keeping books on! I betcha if you find him he’d tell ya I was an instant natural from the start, though!
DO YOU GIVE PEOPLE SECOND CHANCES?
Well, sure, but only if they make it fun, or I forget who they were!
ARE YOU A CAT PERSON OR A DOG PERSON?
Aw, goshski, a pretty little kitty-cat’s about the only thing I’ll ever stop hoofing for a moment for! Some pussycats are even sylvan enough to get into the Green Room, and we always get along swell! No knife intended to any kiyoodles out there – I’ve met some chickens with little elbow-pups as cute as a bug’s ear; they’re a rack of shelves above plenty of other creepy crawlies! But a cat’s miaow is the cat’s miaow, don’t ya think?!
DO YOU THINK YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE?
I own a mirror, buster, I know what I am!
WHAT’S YOUR WORST HABIT?
I drink, I gamble, I scandalise the bluenoses, I’ve been known to get snugglepuppy with fellas that ain’t always my date, I turn up whether you invite me or not, I hear the papers say that once or twice I’ve maybe gotten premarital, and I don’t always stick at a function long enough to pay the bill – take your pick! I don’t smoke, though, that’s the only way I’m letting down the image. Some egghead’s gotta invent a cigarette that tastes better!
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Aw, c’mon, what’s the use in wasting brains thinkin’ about sob stuff, when there’s so many other feathers to chew on? Probably some mean teeth from a dumb broad or some roughneck bozo trying to tighten a screw; those stories are a dime a dozen and a snoozarama to read.
ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR?
Not a bit of it – everything I say is the gods’ honest truth! Ask whoever you like!
WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?
Bluenoses, killjoys, grundies, puritans, prohibitionists, alarm clocks, fire extinguishers, chaperones, frumps, nags, wet blankets, vice-bulls, and any other old wrinkles who can’t let a gal have a good time.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN?
Not since I crushed out of the priscilla pen in Kingspoint they used to keep me under glass in a million years ago. I’d need to pin it down to someone first, and I’m not that kinda girl! Ain’t none of my organs can stay where they’re put for long!
ARE YOU MORE LIKELY TO USE YOUR FISTS OR YOUR WORDS IN AN ARGUMENT?
I’m a pretty wicked hand at both, bo, but for most fights the toothy jaw’s a better chiv if you’re not lookin’ to spoil the party!
WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU’RE NATURALLY GOOD AT?
Oh, absotively zip, except for dressing up and hoofing and chinning and drinking and styling makeovers and playing piano and singing and flirting and joking and inventing new dances and kissing and cuddling and petting and spinning yarns and skipping tabs and sneaking and baking and schmoozing and slipping away and livening up a room and making lights and pulling the wool over people’s eyes and mixing drinks and showing folks a good time in more ways than a few. But apart from all that, I’m an absotively useless rattlebox; it’s just lucky I’m pretty!
WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU HAD TO WORK HARD TO BE GOOD AT?
I’m not really a working kinda girl, boski. If it doesn’t come naturally to me and I can’t get somebody to treat me to it, it usually isn’t worth getting – that’s how I dance! But anyhoo, if you promise you can keep it on the strict Q.T., there is this one thing I can do with my tongue that took me a lot of practice with a few different fellas, but I ain’t giving you any more details on that – I’m not that kinda girl either!
CAN YOU TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU?
Well sure, bo: If a fella’s in the room and he ain’t an ethel or hopelessly solid for another girl, you can bet your last clam he’s either flirting with me, fighting with me, or he’s already a stiff! You can tell the stiff ones by the smell and the fighting ones by the noise. A hopeless solid never looks away from his main squeeze, so that just leaves the flirters and the ethels – and if I can’t figure that one out, a long close dance’ll always tip the hand!
DO YOU THINK MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS?
Oh, absotively posilutely, but it doesn’t have to be your own!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN DESTINY?
Ah, phooey! I’d like to see the Fate that could keep me on a thread!
ARE YOU A GOOD COOK?
What girl isn’t? Some wet blankets’ll say it doesn’t count if you use a magic trick, but that’s applesauce. I’ve never heard a cake-eater choose anyone else’s pickings over mine, that’s for sure!
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE?
I’ll think about that when I’m dead, buster!
DID YOU HAVE TO GROW UP FAST?
You saying I look old? You’re lucky I know that’s obvio too much bunk to take on the face. Anyone can tell you I’m the springest chicken on the farm, and I’m gonna be for longer than any of ya except some of the long-livs. I’ll grow up when I’m dead, pap. Tougher killjoys than you have tried and failed to make me!
WHO DO YOU LOOK UP TO?
I know a jane who really runs every fun-racket this side of the border. She’s a real ritzy elegant dame, makes the meanest drinks anywhere in at least two worlds, and the only birdy I’ve met who’s prettier than I am – I’m talking an airtight peacherino, like the movie star a movie star gets jealous at – and she’s no tomato in the upper story; got more brains than the whole Senate rolled up in one. I’m a happier hen being me than I would be as anyone else, but I’d sure take my hat off to that lady if I was enough of a jizzie to wear a proper hat!
WHEN YOU GO TO A SPEAKEASY, WHAT DO YOU ORDER?
Oh, I’ll take just-about whatever tiger milk’s on offer, but if anyone else is paying I’ll take a few bottles of fizz for quantity and a gin martini for quality! My posilute fave is a mix they call a Lindyhop Spritz, but you really need the Elven stuff to throw one of those together, and every jack knows that’s gotten harder every year since prohibition passed! Between you, me and the wallpaper, though, I know a little juice joint that serves the most delish flavours of green stuff, so good you don’t even notice you’re scrooched – my fave of those is ‘Rooftop Jazz Night’!
WHAT DO YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?
Did I tell you I invented the Charleston? That’s where it gets the name!
WHAT DO YOU LIKE LEAST ABOUT YOURSELF?
You really can’t tell a soul or it’d crush just buckets of dreams from here to the Old World, and I’m only letting you in cos I know this ain’t gonna be published, but you see this perfect slimline I got that everyone goes nuts for? A little bit of it’s just a tight bandeau and a flattering gown cut. Can you believe it? I’m a fraud! A front-heavy hoofer at the Ananias Club! Oh, the guilt of it! Get me a stiff drink so I can soldier on!
DO YOU WANT KIDS SOMEDAY?
Oh yuck, I simply couldn’t – I’d be horrif! I’ve met some plenty cute sprogskis here and there, but surely no-one wants to be the one to have them? That’s why the godskis had to make so many fellas dishes and make the horizontal Charleston the bee’s knees! Am I allowed to say that on record? Did it anyway!
ARE YOU A PLANNER OR MORE SPONTANEOUS?
No fun being all rigid and square! Hoof it on the wild side, jack! The holes are where all the fun leaks in!
CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?
Nope! Only my own! Try and make me carry another jake’s and I’ll spill it all over the tablewear!
DO YOU LIKE BEING THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION?
Oh, I hate it – isn’t it hateful? [giggles]
IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?
Ah, I’m a live-in-the-moment kinda gal; I think I’d take it on the chin and give myself a wild send-off! Paint the town so red they put my picture up in the vice squad clubhouse even after I’ve keeled over!
DO YOU ENJOY GETTING ALL DRESSED UP FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION?
It’s the berries – and I don’t get dressed for anything else! No sense being seen unless you’re looking swell! Gotta be one of my Top Ten Time-wasters, right after hoofing, gabbing, petting, kissing, drinking, gambling, parlour games, and one or two I can’t say aloud! Primping up’s about all I do when I’m not showing off my handiwork at another teafight or jazz night!
WHERE DO YOU FEEL SAFE?
Who wants to feel safe? What’s life without a little danger?! Course, I do have a cosy little garret of my own when I need to soak in the tub or catch a few Zs so I can keep on fighting form – but you’re not invited!
DO YOU LOVE OR HATE BEING ALONE?
I dunno, I’ve never tried it! It sounds beastly! Actually, between you and me and the wallpaper, I did used to be alone sometimes a long, long time ago, back before I invented the Charleston, and it was a real flat tire type of way to spend an evening. Good rids!
WHAT’S THE LAST NIGHTMARE YOU REMEMBER HAVING?
Hey, screwy, why would I wanna remember a nightmare? I mighta been at some pretty dire parties a few times, but they were only a nightmare until I turned up – that’s what I’m there for!
DO YOU ADMIT TO MISTAKES WHEN YOU MAKE THEM?
Mistakes are all I do – that’s what makes life fun!
DO YOU WANT TO GROW UP TO BE LIKE YOUR PARENTS?
Ah, raspberries – both of my folks were big-time bluenosers; the flattest tires around. The less we talk about them the better.
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH BEING SICK? ARE YOU STOIC OR SUPER WHINEY?
What’s the point of being a girl if you don’t whine to some stud when you need a little extra pampering? Or you just feel like pretending?
WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS EXPECT FROM YOU WHEN YOU WERE BORN?
When I was born? I dunno, probably to cry a lot like any other anklebiteski. After that they obvio figured I oughta be a homespun priscilla and help tickle their baldhead friends for ‘em until I was old enough to marry off to some hoity-toit wet blanket boob and never have a lick of fun – so I hopped a trolley or two til I got to Atramentum, and good rid to the pair of ‘em!
DO YOU HAVE A STRONG SENSE OF STYLE?
Are you kidding? I’m the Number One It Birdy in all the gossip rags! Ain’t even a trend in the last eight yearskis I didn’t set!
WOULD YOU RATHER CAMP OUTDOORS OR STAY THE NIGHT IN AN INN?
I’ll stay the night anywhere if there’s a party, but it won’t be for snoozskis! I got a secret hideout for that!
IS THERE A FOOD THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKE BUT YOU ABSOLUTELY HATE?
Being as sweet as I am, all my teeth are sweet teeth! You can get outa here with your grapefruit and zuchinnis! I won’t even take coffee unless it’s mostly sugar. Tried a cancer-stick once but I couldn’t stand the flavour! I won’t kiss a goof that smokes unless he’s a real cutie-fella.
ARE YOU MORE OF A HOARDER OR A MINIMALIST?
Sometimes more is more, dontcha think? B’sides, it’d be real icy to just say no to a fancy gift some gallant went to the troub of handing out, and I gotta stash ‘em all somewhere!
ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS?
I may be already taken for patronage, but Lady Luck and I are still on speaking terms. I got a lucky boa, lucky feather, lucky bracelets, lucky jewels, lucky dice, lucky stuffed octopus, and a set of panties so lucky only the luckiest guys in the world can even see them! None of them seem to work for me, but that’s hardly worth fussing over!
ARE YOU THE KIND OF PERSON WHO REMEMBERS PEOPLE’S BIRTHDAYS AND PET’S NAMES AND STUFF?
Wouldn’t you know, that’s the only three things my upper story tends to have in it – birthdays so I know whose party to attend, pet’s names so I know what to coo at the little sweetskis, and lots of stuff, to fill it out – like a teddy!
WHAT DO YOU DO TO FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU’RE SAD?
The same thing I do to feel better when I’m not – go out on the hoofski, until I’m either too busy making pals or too jinglebrained from the hooch to remember what I was sad about! If it’s a real sticky type of blues I might need a soak in the bubbletub with a dimestore novel and a chunk of cake, and then a long makeover, but ya gotta be a real stinker to wallop me that hard - and a real lowlife to even want to, given everyone knows I’m the sweetest peach around and I never hurt nobody on purpose or do much of anything on purpose at all.
IS IT HARD FOR YOU TO TRUST SOMEONE?
Givin’ every guy the third degree like that sounds like a total frump lifestyle, so I don’t want a bit of it. If I trust ya too easily and you try something fresh, that’s your problem, bo.
ARE YOU SUSCEPTIBLE TO PEER PRESSURE?
Come on, jackski – how can I follow a trend when I’m the jane that sets them all?!
IF YOU DECIDED TO STOP ADVENTURING AND SETTLE DOWN, WHAT KIND OF JOB WOULD YOU TAKE?
You got a tile loose, mack – that’s cuckoo-talk! You think I’d ever settle down, you gotta be full of more prunes than a grandma! Apart from being squirrelfeed all over, no job would take me = except maybe the taxi rink again, which I guess is where I’d have to land if I lost my meal ticket.
AS A KID, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP?
Oh, I just wanted to go to a dance and a nickelodeon! Spent a little time as a taxi-dancer and a charity-girl which fit me terrif-ly and I probably woulda kept up until I got too old and ugly to treat or hoof with, only now I never have time!
Type
Report, Intelligence
Subject
Familiar:
Limdihop Spritz
Associate:
Axel Webb
