Twisted Sinews

There comes a point in time where thinking of yourself isn't selfish or self-serving -- but protection. I can only spin out so much of my thoughts, my time, and my energy to people who take it for granted. Who feel it's their god-given right to exist in my orbit without putting in any kind of effort of their own. I'm not going to carve a niche out in my life for people to sit on like trophies on a shelf. I'm no longer accepting the bare minimum people care to give. I owe a lot of this to Rennir and Casimir. Both of them show me what it means to genuinely have someone want to be an active part of your life. They show up, they're present. They get involved in Nightcross. They talk to EACH OTHER for crying out loud. They're interested in being not just part of my life, but being present with the people IN my life -- and that means more than words like these can express. I worry about Dragon, still, and I don't know what's become of us or what we'll even be once he recovers. I'm not even sure I was ever right for him, he was just a welcome comfort after Garret. He was a Season... and I guess that Season is over. Reasons and Seasons. Seasons and Reasons. I don't know if I'll ever find a Lifetime that is worth my lifetime -- except for Oxomoco. But she's a given. No bond is stronger than that of my sister. Rennir and Casimir haven't even hit the six moon mark in our friendships yet. When they both say and swear they will, all I can say is "We'll see," because I've heard all those promises, all those oaths before. People can say all they want, until they're blue in the face. Their actions will always tell you what's actually true, though. Empty words are spoken by empty hearts. Words without action become meaningless. Like Casimir is so fond of saying: [i]Actions speak louder.[/i] So we'll see what they really have to say.

It was a lovely night in the desert. I don't often say that about Thanalan, but it's rare I ever really stop to pay attention to it, either. Usually I'm passing through on my way to somewhere else. On rare occasion, I'll go sit under the Sultan Tree with someone -- but they're usually people who drift along and out of my life, like a tumbleweed passing on the breeze. The more I talk to Casimir, the more he surprises me. Yes, he's still an eccentric, goofy nincompoop at times, but there are others when he allows himself to be vulnerable, that I see the other facets he keeps hidden. [i]Actions speak louder.[/i] He's embraced that like his own personal mantra and he's done his best to live up to it. From learning the snippets of Turali he hears from me, to actually listening and understanding the things I feel when I share them with him. Of late, I've come to realize just how much mother's words ring true. [i]People are in our lives for Reasons, Seasons, or a Lifetime.[/i] Nothing lasts, everything ends. We can no more control people and what they choose to do, when they choose to leave, than we can control the stars in the sky. All we [u]can[/u] control are our own reactions to what they do. I could continue to let people hurt me, disappoint me, make me feel less valued... or I can just accept that this is the nature of things. [i]Reasons[/i] and [i]Seasons[/i] will always come and go. I may never find a Lifetime [u]in[/u] my lifetime, but that doesn't mean it's not worth searching for. Or that it's not worth waiting for.

Most people never seem to understand what I mean when I say I enjoy [i]meaningful[/i] conversation. I'm not sure most of them even understand what it is. Either that or their definitions of "meaningful" are very different from mine. They think that questions like, "What's your favorite flower?" and "What's your favorite food?" are such deeply personal and telling things about a person. Hells, some of them even think that by fighting or sparring someone, they learn something inherently deep about them. Neither one tells you much of anything, because both are very safe, contrived, and without any kind of foundation in an individual's reality. Every once in a while, though, I come across people who [i]understand[/i] what a meaningful conversation is, though. People who are willing to be vulnerable, to share parts of themselves that they might not otherwise put on display in the Quicksand. Not masks like some wear, but simply different facets of themselves that are only glimpsed when angled toward the right light. [b]Casimir[/b] showed me such a facet of himself last night. From the moment he walked up to me without his bandana, his brightly-colored Alexandrian clothes, gunblade in tow -- he was different. The way he carried himself was different. The way he spoke was different. His confidence was different. And yet, the foundation of what made him Casimir was still there, that silly ham of an eccentric mage. This was just a facet of himself that was never quite caught in the dimness of the Quicksand. I learned a lot about Casimir in the course of one evening, one conversation. While I still think he's occasionally ludicrous, over-the-top silly, and filled with stories that seem more fiction than fact -- there is more to him than that. A more that he doesn't reveal to just anyone. He's not so different from Oxomoco and I in that regard; only when trust is built do we reveal parts of ourselves that aren't meant for the dregs of the Quicksand. There's an odd sort of comfort in that; the comfort you find when you reach an understanding and find a common ground with someone. A foundation you can build on.

I started my evening off well. I decided I'd take the metal leather we got off the metal beasties we fought for Dragon not long ago and turn it into a new armor set for myself. I think Oxomoco would be proud of that, me making something for MYSELF rather than some man providing it. The only thing I'd really need help with are the metal parts of it, those will need to be specially forged. Rennir showed up at some point and that's pretty much where my relaxing evening ended. When I mentioned needing a blacksmith, he said one of his sisters could likely do the job. I can't really use Garret since I haven't seen or heard from Garret in almost two moons now. In an effort to understand what I was getting myself into, I asked him some questions about his tribe, their culture, so that I wouldn't step on any toes while I was there. The conversation went so far off the rails it became more of a moralistic debate between cultural identity and ... whatever it is Rennir decided to do to his tribe. I don't think he understands how /offensive/ it is to listen to someone freely admit that rather than respect his tribe, their culture, their traditions -- he was going to run the tribe HIS way and they could either get on board or get out. It's the same mentality every conqueror has ever held for the conquered. Every colonizer has held for the natives of the land they colonize. I probably said a lot of things I shouldn't have and I apologized -- twice. I don't think Rennir acknowledged it or cared. He took offense to being called a colonizer and having HIS way questioned. It makes me wonder if anyone in his life has ever challenged him or if they just all nod and agree like a good band of yes women. Regardless, it's not a topic I'll ever discuss with him again. Not because I dislike the confrontation or the debate, but I just don't think he's capable of handling them. He doesn't like being challenged and he doesn't like being questioned. Except where his wife is concerned, I suppose. He capitulates to her like a sheaf of wheat before the scythe. It just reinforces to me just how much of a coward he really is at heart. He ran away from his heritage to embrace whatever orphan culture he was raised in, preferring to live like that than embrace his tribe and their ways. He runs away from any challenge you put before him, even in a fight he's said he'd rather run than stand his ground. He lives in fear of his wife and her wrath. Is it any wonder I told him, point-blank, that I could never be interested in him beyond friendship? Even then, I find myself questioning that sometimes. How good of a friend can someone be if you feel like you can never rely on them? If when the chips are really down -- they'd rather run than fight? Things for me to consider going forward.

"Of Flame and Fables"

The hunt for Dragons metal creatures went well enough. Dragon's -- or rather Jin's plan -- of using Highbridge as something of a bottleneck worked in our favor. We were able to kill all of them, two of which we were able to recover and put into storage so we could parse them out as spoils. Rennir and I are both curious whether the metal hide can be used for armor. Telryn might be able to use some of its other bits and parts for his ink-magery. I think Oxomoco and Telryn would get along. He's just ODD enough that she'd be both curious and intrigued by him, rather than bored. I think it helps that his demeanor is... excitably eccentric? It has a charm all its own. He served us well on the field, only Oxomoco and I needed some minor healing. Telryn spent most of the battle either diminishing our foe's effectiveness or augmenting our own attacks. He's certainly a battle-healer I'd be glad to have on our side again sometime. Dragon himself was called off by Ziero. Three more of the things had appeared out of nowhere to harry our harrier, so Dragon went to give him backup. They managed to dispatch those three with little trouble between them. Which just leaves us with the Alpha. Jin is going to continue leading it on a merry chase while he studies its abilities and other oddities to give us the best advantage in fighting it as possible. We'll need every onze of an advantage we can get. With its ability to cast spells and who knows what else, it's going to be unpredictable. Combine that with the fact that it's more intelligent than the rest of its pack and it becomes downright dangerous. Still, that's another problem for another day. I'm simply absolutely chuffed that we got through a major engagement without sustaining catastrophic injuries. I don't know what it was about working with Yumari, Exulansis, Garret, and Yaretzi where everything always went sideways and I ended up in an infirmary somewhere. I'm not sure if that says something about their luck or mine. I'm just glad to feel like a competent adventurer again.

Rennir, Dragon, and Xochi hanging out in Western La Noscea

There is forever a fear in me of losing the people I care about most. It began when Oxomoco first left Tural when we were young, a few years after I joined the Landsguard. Oxomoco had learned all she could from the Whalaqee and felt there was nothing more for her in Tural. She had to go abroad, across the Salt, and find herself. That was the first time my heart shattered. In the Landsguard, I experienced it time and time again as comrades died in combat or were transferred hither and yon to follow their various duties and orders. It was the same way in the Iron Arena, though the odds of death were a lot smaller, and people left not only for duty, but simply for freedom, or other reasons that tied us all to that place. You'd think all of this would make me immune to loss, hardened, prepared. But all it's really done is make me more wary, more hesitant to let people close because I KNOW already that I'll be destined to lose them. Mother used to say that people are in our lives for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. Most of the time, it's one of the first two. The past year has taught me that. From Dorran who only ever wanted someone to hunt his monster, to Garret who needed someone to "fix" him, to Yumari who needed a mentor, to Yaretzi who needed someone to guide her -- all Reasons. Or Seasons. Once their needs were met, they all vanished into the ether. My latest crop of friends are trying to convince me that they're different -- better, but I can already feel that part of me bracing for the day they, too, walk away. How does one break oneself of this feeling? How can I bring myself to trust others when I know I'm going to get hurt in the end? In battle, I know no fear of injury -- not that I think I'm invincible, but it's simply part of the job. Where do I find that kind of courage when it comes to people? I think I'm starting to find it, with the help of Rennir and Dragon. The point out to me quite often that -- yeah, sometimes Life and People suck, but that's not a reflection of who I am or what I can offer others. It's a reflection of them if they can so easily walk away from the people in their lives -- some with nary a word. I have survived these losses and I will survive them again. They're a natural part of life, like when a tree sheds its leaves in winter. Many will fall away and be carried off by the breeze, but there are some that will cling diligently through the worst storm, the coldest winter, and be ready to bloom again in the spring. But I am the tree. Everything begins and ends with me. I have to be strong, with deep roots, well-nourished and healthy; I can't let my own traumas poison and rot me from within. Trauma scars us, yes, but it shouldn't shatter us. I am the Undefeated Tigress of Tural and I will not be defeated by this. I will rise above. With a helping hand from my friends and the people I care about most.

The adventure into Ihuykatumu with Rennir and Garret went off without a hitch, really. Pretty smooth sailing, which seems unusual until I remind myself that I only really suffer catastrophic injuries when helping others on /their/ adventures moreso than when I lead an expedition myself. We managed to obtain the Cannon parts we needed for the golem in Nightcross, which just leaves obtaining the Armor Plating from somewhere called Tender Valley in Tural. Sounds like it might be a nice, easy mission there. Rennir, Dragon, and I also plan on going to talk to the Yok Huy and seeing what they know about the golems and how they function. It's where I got the idea to obtain one of our own, after all. I'm sure it'll involve doing some chores for them in exchange for the information. People never seem to fail to have endless chores to do. Before the expedition Garret tried, in his usual way, to extend the olive branch by trying to gift me a book on Ishgardian lore. The man vanishes without so much as a word for a moon or more and comes back with a book, like he just expects things to carry on unchanged. I told him then and there that I'd moved on and that he should too. He didn't have much to say about that, not even a protest. It made me wonder how important I ever was to him, that he found it so easy to just let go. It's neither here nor there. Garret will move on like so many before him. From Dorran to Yumari, even Exulansis and Yaretzi. I'm finding new and different people to invest my time and energy into. I suppose its a fair testament to how important any of them ever were to me that I find them so easy to replace. Turn about, as they say, is fair play. Like Rennir said, people will come and go. That's the nature of life and sometimes it sucks. But the GOOD people will stay and it's those people I have to find and give my time to.

The Nightcross venture with Rennir went well enough. We recovered the tools and weapons we found and I've had them moved to Nightcross proper. My plan is to have the townsfolk separate them by makers' marks and then return the items to their creators. Hopefully, from there, they can make their way back to their proper owners. And, of course, Oeric will have recovered his tools. The point of confusion for me with this mission is why a pair of male ty'aitya -- a father and son, I think? -- were gathering these tools and weapons. It clearly wasn't nesting material. They kept trying to clout travelers with them by dropping the items from a height. Rennir seemed as clueless as I was. When I spoke to Dragon about it later, he suggested that maybe the ty'aityas were being trained or controlled. Given the presence of the Garlean tech that Rennir and I saw, I can't totally discount either possibility. The only Garleans I know of that have been active in Yak T'el have been the Vestige... I mislike that implication. As a result of the mission, though, we've started a new Stableyard building project of which Rennir will be the spearhead. I'll be curious to see how much he steps to the plate with it. Once the mission was done, I spent some time having a drink with Rennir where we spoke at length about how much he hides himself. I can never fathom living a life so steeped in dishonesty. Not about things that matter, anyway. How can you get to know a person if they refuse to be themselves, but rather some people-pleasing caricature to avoid rejection? Lies and obfuscation only get you so far -- eventually, the truth will out. And when it does, no one is happy, because none of us enjoys being lied to, being made to believe the people we know are one thing, when in truth they're really another. It's that kind of mentality that ensures that I could never be interested in someone like Rennir. I'm proud of who I am, I have no secrets, I'm transparent and honest with the people who are important to me. The way Rennir hides, himself, in life, how he really feels -- he's the worst kind of coward and he doesn't even seem to realize it. It makes me sad for him somewhat, to live so much of his life in fear, in retreat, never realizing just how much of that life he's missing out on while he's constantly running. But it's the life he chooses to life. Only he can be the one to change it.

Getting out into the world rather than idling around in Ul'dah for hours on end has to be one of my favorite things about knowing Dragon. We don't need a reason to go, some cause to champion -- we just go, because it suits us. We'll discuss what we know of the lore or history of any given area, or just spend the evening talking about life, the universe, and everything. That's so rare to find these days.

I went out to Nightcross to investigate the latest trouble out that way; more mutant vegetable creatures have cropped up and are causing trouble for the locals. Gardeningway swears that these are not of her making and I have no reason not to believe her after our adventures in the Shroud. I'm sure Oxomoco made it abundantly clear that such experimentation was ill-advised. Shackled Dragon came along with me and Yumari signed up for the task from the Duty Board. After taking custody of Gardeningway from the Landsguard, Chu'ulipaya, who held her we promised that we'd look after her since we needed Gardeningway's expertise. I sent the sergeant back to the Cozy Crater to wait for us to conduct our investigations and check on her partner, Mica. We found Mica surrounded by a number of carrot-oriented creatures, so we extricated him from his predicament only to be surrounded by a dozen more. Shackled Dragon and I made short work of them, and sent Mica back to Nightcross with Yumari so she could see to his wounds in safety. Dragon and I proceeded on with Gardeningway to locate the source of these creatures. A crate that was similar to the ones Oxomoco and I had seen on the moon at Phaenna was there and it seemed to be generating portals out of which these creatures came. After defeating a few more, we entered the portal to try and cut things off at the source. The portal took us to some type of eco-dome or greenhouse, though where it was located I couldn't say. As soon as we entered, we were faced by a horde of the carrotlings, Dragon and I. This would be a trial by fire for us and combat, it seemed, since we hadn't fought together before this. Still, given all we've talked about in recent sennights, I felt I could trust him not to be some grandstanding hero or some incapable idiot. I have to say -- it's not often I'm impressed by anyone on a battlefield. I've fought with some of the best and brightest the arena circuit has to offer; I've worked in teams so well-synced that you'd think we were of one mind. Fighting with Dragon felt comfortable, even fun. He didn't try to protect me or shield me from harm. He didn't try to show off or do ridiculous things to try and impress me. He just fought to the best of his ability and he always made sure he had my back. It was almost like fighting alongside Oxomoco. We played off each other and our abilities well, the roegadyn weaving his monk fighting between the swathes of my axe swings. It wasn't until we got to the Carrot Queen that we met our first real opposition. The creature held another loporrit, one that we were unfamiliar with, and likely the perpetrator of all these troubles. Though, how they thought to mimic Gardeningway's work, or what they were doing with it was left unanswered. Try as we might, we couldn't kill the Carrot Queen before she escaped -- taking the Unknown Loporrit with her. It was frustrating, but she'd thrown Gardeningway half-way across the eco-dome and it was more important to me to make sure Gardeningway was all right than killing this monster. We'd find and deal with it later. With Dragon and Gardeningway injured, we returned to Nightcross to let Yumari tend to Mica and Gardeningway. Dragon preferred to go to his own healer, which I more than understood. Gardeningway was arrested, which I couldn't dispute. We hadn't obtained enough evidence to clear her name, but I did eventually call in Oxomoco to teleport the crate somewhere safe so that it couldn't keep manifesting portals. I don't know what lies in the future with that. With the Carrot Queen still on the loose, there's potential for her to propegate elsewhere and create more of these creatures. We'll need to find her sooner rather than later. But that's another problem for another day.

Life is oftentimes like the tides. With every rush of the sea meeting the sand, new things are brought and deposited while older things get swept away. There's a reason that I love the sea, almost as much as I love the stars. It reminds us that the world is ever-changing, that the promise of today can differ from the promise of tomorrow. The aftermath of the Vestige's latest efforts swept away so many people from my life; Yaretzi, Solwulf, even Garret. Even Gohin comes and goes, though I always enjoy when the sea washes him ashore. My only constant, always, is Oxomoco. But the sea brings new surprises, washing them up onto the shore of my social life. Like any good beachcomber, there's a period of sorting through the new detritus, figuring out what is worth keeping and what we can let the tides take back. Given the Quicksand, it's oft the latter more than the former, but there's the rare occasion that you find something beautiful worth keeping. Last night was a demonstration of that. Shackled Dragon and I talked for [u]hours[/u] upon hours, about myriad things. Some deep and personal, some simple and everyday. I spoke to him about what I want from life, from friends, from the people who are most important to me, the things I want for my own future. He told me about his own trials and travails, the things that shaped him into the person he is today. It was an almost liberating feeling to be able to talk about myself. So often when I talk about myself, it immediately segues into the other person, their past, their wants, their needs, their problems. I become an afterthought, a non-priority. I'm there to listen, not to be heard. It hasn't been that way with Dragon. We listen to each other. We thoughtfully consider what's being said, then opine. Even when we've conflicted on our thoughts, we're able to talk them through and to offer perspective, one to the other, not in the hope of changing each other's view, but more augmenting it to give one another a Bigger Picture. There's much of what we've spoken of that has given me food for thought, avenues of change for myself to grant more grace to Eorzeans than my generally hard-nosed opinions of them have given thusfar. I feel like in talking with Dragon, I come out of it a better person. Not only that, but he makes me feel seen, heard, and genuinely cared about. Which would have been odd to me, once upon a time, it's not like we've known one another that long but the frequency and volume of our conversations makes me feel like I've known the man for years. Just being around him relaxes me, revitalizes me, because I know it's not going to be just another asinine conversation. It's like the Quicksand is a desert and Dragon is a welcome oasis, a relief from the dry, monotony that is the Quicksand. While he's made his interest in me plain, he doesn't remind me of it constantly. He doesn't push, doesn't prod, doesn't linger in my presence like he expects more. He doesn't shower me with compliments to the point of nausea. And when he does compliment me, it's almost never about my physicality. It's about my intelligence, my wit, his admiration for my convictions. I feel seen as a [u]person[/u] and not just a slab of meat for him to objectify. He respects my boundaries and doesn't constantly "test" them to see if I've changed my mind. And that's what I enjoy most. Our encounters are about building something real, no matter what it ends up being. Friendship? Romance? I don't know yet. We had a long conversation about what it is I want, what it is I look for, and how I wasn't even sure what I wanted anymore -- because what I want doesn't seem to exist. He assured me that what I want is hard to find, rare, but possible. And what I want is autonomy. The freedom to be my own person without someone trying to possess me, chain me down, and hoard me to themselves. I want to feel trusted, valued, and like people want to be part of my life -- not just occasional visitors to it. I ended up telling Dragon about the Vestige. It weighs on me still, as it always does. I intend to travel to Garlemald at some point to see if I can learn anything about the Vestige there. Dragon promised his help and offered comfort when it was needed. I miss my parents. I worry whether they're alive or dead. I don't know how to find the vidraal, much less hunt it without help. There are so many unknowns, so many missing pieces even now. It's a problem of such magnitude that at times it makes me feel very small and helpless. And alone, aside from Oxomoco. Dragon told me that I'm no longer alone. That I can call him whenever I need him. Promises I've heard so many times before by other people. There was a point in time I would have doubted him based on that alone. But like I can't paint Eorzeans all with the same broadstroke brush, so, too can I not place my hurts and disappointments from others on those who have yet to even be given the chance to prove themselves. But words are wind. Actions speak louder. He'll get his chance. There is much yet still to do.

Just a tigress bein' pretty.

There are sometimes reminders that my stays in Ul'dah aren't all bad. That there is often good -- good in excess of the bad I endure in going to places like the Quicksand. Last night was one such reminder when I spent some time with [b]Zenobia Nocturne[/b], [b]Shackled Dragon[/b], and [b]Rennir Tyaka[/b]. They're each of them good company in their own ways and I enjoy their conversations. From Zenobia and her quiet grace, even if her curiosity may sometimes embarrass her. Last night, she asked me if xbr'aal kiss. I teased her by asking if she was planning to kiss me, which flustered her. She's such a delicate, easily cornered miss; like a wide-eyed doe along the forest's edge. But there's an intelligence and quiet knowledge to her that speaks of a much deeper and thoughtful person. I've offered to take her to Urth's Fount one night, because I think it would be a place she'd find both beautiful and fascinating. We'll have to plan a night for it when her scribe's duties allow. To Shackled Dragon, who was unusually quiet last night. I partly wonder if the man simply doesn't favor group social situations, because when he's alone with me he almost always has something to say. I suppose more people requires more consideration, though, a more careful choice of words -- which is a hallmark of how the roegadyn operates. A rarity in Ul'dah, to be sure, someone that thinks before he speaks. It's an interesting dichotomy, but one that makes me feel slightly valued in a way, that he feels he's able to speak as frankly as he does when he's around just myself. And then there's Rennir. The man is oftentimes a clown and a fool all in one, but there's sometimes an undercurrent of a man who has seen and experienced too much. A man, perhaps, wounded by the world and his flippant ways are his means of protecting himself. It's a trait he shares with Garret and in some ways with Gohin. Men who are, in some ways, afraid to be truly vulnerable, to share and show their scars. It's not that they're dishonest. They just only reveal themselves in pieces. They don't fully exist as their full and authentic selves. And that makes me a bit sad for them. Or perhaps I'm just built differently. I don't know how to be anything other than my fully authentic self. Who I am in the Quicksand differs very little from who I am behind any other closed door. I don't know how to BE any other way. I've never had to be. Perhaps that's something I need to understand about Eorzeans, in general. A lifetime steeped in War makes people afraid, forces people to hide -- when that's all you grow up knowing that's all you learn how to do. I've never needed to hide. I'm not sure I know how to.

It's always such a breath of fresh air to get OUT of Ul'dah. Moreso when it's in good company. Shackled Dragon has proven himself to be exactly that, despite our somewhat rocky introduction. It's a joy to talk to someone who not only listens and receives criticism to improve himself, but to [i]actually hold a conversation[/i] that not only makes me think but makes me reconsider some of the ways I view things. So much meaningless conversation happens in the Quicksand. It amazes me what people are capable of outside it. It makes me wonder if it's just the atmosphere or the crowds, because I find that once you get people out of the Quicksand they almost become different people entirely. That's why I value people like Dragon, and Gohin, people who are unapologetically themselves without the need to obfuscate and wear masks. Although, I still feel that Gohin's perpetual joviality /is/ a smokescreen sometimes. In all honesty, it's been nice to just focus on enjoying myself for a while. I've been so caught up in other peoples' worries, other peoples' concerns, trying to do and be everything everyone ELSE needs me to be that I started to forget the wonder of the world. That doesn't mean I'm ignoring my own plight, but I have time -- or at least I think I do. If the Vestige is going to wait for me to hunt their vidraal, then there's time yet. Until they pressure me by giving me a timetable, there's time. I can center and re-focus my energy from giving so much to three, four, five other causes and re-synergize them with my own. Oxomoco would probably tell me it's about damned time.

I went out to Worqor Zormor with [b]Oxomoco[/b] and [b]Garret Hjorth[/b]. We were there to try and recover the Core component of the Golem we'd salvaged from the Skydeep Cenote. It's our hope to get it in working order so that it can perform some of the more laborious tasks around Nightcross, so we can focus our energies on the larger projects. The excursion went mostly to plan, I think. Though, some might not agree given the injuries I sustained. Still, Oxomoco and Garret were unharmed for the majority and we got what we went there for. All-in-all, it was a successful expedition. I'm rather proud that Oxomoco and I could still work with Garret and maintain our professionalism. Vidraal only know how much anger we harbor toward that hyur after the debacle with the Garlean in Kugane. While I can't say that I'm at all happy at being injured and forced to convalesce for a few days -- Gohin was right. I need to slow down and start focusing on the things that -I- need. For too long, I've put other people and their situations ahead of my own. So, I'll have to start looking for a new avenue of information to find out where those damnable Imperialist cast-offs are holding our parents. Gohin has connections around the world, thanks to his father. I may talk to Shackled Dragon and see if he has any worth talking to. But first I'll need to rest and recover. Oxomoco is already huffing around the kitchen making mother's sopa de lima that she would always make when we were out of sorts. Soup, rest, recover. Then we plan.

Artwork by Lilyia https://bsky.app/profile/lilyia.bsky.social

It was an interesting night and unexpected one, spent in the company of a roegadyn calling himself [b]Shackled Dragon[/b]. Out of all the conversations I've had in recent suns, it was one of the most pleasant and thought-provoking that I've had. It was interesting to see the Eorzean perspective from someone level-headed and not blind to Eorzea's faults. Someone who took criticism of their country in stride, rather than in offense. Perhaps the most surprising and heart-warming part of it was when he [u]thanked me[/u] for the services I've done for Eorzea as an adventurer. In all the time I've spent here, I've been treated as some exotic curiosity, a sexual object, an unwanted foreigner -- but never in all the moons and sennights I've spent in this place have I ever been [u]thanked[/u] for the work I've done. It was... something I didn't even know I'd needed to hear until that moment. I've focused so much on all the [i]bad[/i] facets of Eorzeans; I haven't done near enough focusing on the [i]good[/i] I've experienced, too. From the look on a farmer's face when I help to clear the moles out of his garden, to the broad smile that crosses Redolent Rose's face when he receives the cactuar needles I fetched. I shouldn't forget the light of hope in their faces, the way their very countenances change with relief of their worries. The people who have welcomed me into their lives and their homes. Shared a meal with me. A good conversation. People who have trusted me. People who have supported me. I told Shadra -- I'm calling him that, even if only in my own mind -- that anything is possible here in Eorzea and that is its greatest light. I should remember that. While it's possible and readily apparent that some Eorzeans are lacking, it's just as possible that there are those who can be the best and brightest experiences I can yet have.

A letter arrives in Xochitl's mailbox, unmarked and sealed with unmarked wax. [i]Miss Canek: Seeing that you have the information on the vidraal and the experience necessary to hunt one, we are requesting your assistance on this matter. As a gesture of our good faith, an associate of yours is currently in gaol in Kugane on some fairly serious charges. We will see to it that he is released without penalty. Once you have captured the vidraal and brought it to an arranged rendezvous point, then we will assist you in locating your parents. We are certain we can give you closure on that matter expeditiously. Regards, V[/i]

Oxomoco and I went out to Yuweyawata Field Station as I'd planned, hoping to find out more information on Tezcatlipoca, since we know the Vestige stole the vidraal from there. And find more information, we did. The only problem is that it's written in Alexandrian, which neither of us speaks. And worse yet, the Vestige spoke of us by our surname, so it underlines that they know who we are, my sister and I. That may also mean that they know [u]where[/u] we are. We killed three of their agents tonight, but not before one of them got a warning out. I don't know if that will make things worse or better for us. But Oxomoco is right. Time is now of the essence. It's time to move.

Gohin and I went over all the odds and ends I've collected over the past year concerning the Vestige. From the files I was originally sent by Ahau, one of my squadron mates in the Landsguard, to the control chip I was later sent by Yaxha, to the dossiers we found on OPERATION: DOMINION in the abandoned Garlean castrum where we first learned of The Vestige. And, of course, the silver case that Solwulf, Oxomoco, and I recently liberated from one of their encampments. It was the case that drew Gohin's attention the most. He'd seen one before, he said, but he'd never had opportunity to handle one. They were designed to be indestructible, impregnable. He saw it as a challenge, as he is wont to do with most things. I'm not sure the word "failure" exists in that man's vocabulary. He thought he might use some of his Red Magic on it, to try and see if it would yield a clue. He tried and something about it horrified him. He said it was a thing of darkness and danger. He said he heard a name. "Tez... poca..." I went to find a book that Oxomoco used to love to read about ancient Turali deities and there it was in black and white. [b]Tezcatlipoca.[/b] An ancient being, god of the invisible and the darkness. His domains are many: night, lightning, cold, hurricanes. He enjoys conflict and represents great change. I can't help but wonder if this is somehow a warning. But it gives me something to go after. I'll return to the ruins of Yuweyawata Field Station and I'll see if I can't recover anything concerning Tezcatlipoca -- and pray to every god that still exists that the Vestige aren't attempting to create a god of their own.

I saw to a venture for Nightcross with Kosuke and Yumari. We were tasked with going to the kojin in Tamamizu in order to obtain their blessing of water-breathing, so that we might finally investigate the strange pollution that's been plaguing the cenote. Ellanora suspects there's some kind of plant deep within the cenote that might be the culprit, but none can dive deep enough to ascertain. Which is where the blessing comes in. Yumari, Kosuke, and I were each given a Trial of sorts, to prove to the kami our worthiness of the blessing. I was given a trial to test both my patience and my principles, to see if I would be impatient with a woman who spoke slowly and who needed my help in order to see. I eventually described the village below us in great detail, from the roofs to the foundations of the houses, to the people that walked its streets, I left nothing undescribed. She thanked me for my patience and for helping her to see, for taking the time to understand her and her needs. That was my test. To see if I would live up to all that I said numerous times I would do. I was pretty proud of the work we did. We were successful in obtaining not just the blessing, but the offer for one of the kojin, Soji, to travel to Nightcross as a permanent resident, so that the blessing can be given to all at Nightcross and who work there. With the presence at the cenote at the heart of the village, it would be a welcome thing, indeed. When I returned to Ul'dah, my first thought was to contact Garret via linkpearl to let him know I'd returned safely and that we were successful. He didn't have the time to talk to me, though, absorbed in his work. I know he was supposed to work with Solwulf and Yaretzi tonight on whatever proof project they're concocting for that Garlean. But it still stung that he couldn't even spare a moment to listen to me. Especially after everything we'd talked about the other night. I ended up going to the Refuge and watching the stars from the deck that Gohin built for me there. It's a much better view than the Scholar's Walk. Eventually, Gohin himself showed up and I just... vented about everything. Everything that was bothering me. From Garret to this gunblade project to my parents to everything that's gone on for moons; helping Garret face his past, helping Yaretzi face hers, chasing down Ex's vigilantes, Nightcross -- helping, helping, helping. Always helping everyone else. But they've all known about my parents being missing for moons. Not once did any of them ask about them. Not once did any of them even pretend to care. It wasn't until I went to the Steppe with Solwulf and started taking matters into my own hands that people suddenly decided to be interested. They abandon me for moons on their own affairs, doing their own work, dealing with their own problems. Now they suddenly sweep in and want to save the day, all guns blazing and bravado, without an ounce of fear in them. And that lack of fear frightens me. Men with no fear take unreasonable risks. Men with no fear don't care about the outcome. Men with no fear don't see the danger right in front of them. But Gohin is right, at some point, I have to stop carrying the burdens for everyone else and find the people who are willing to help me carry mine. Not people who are provoked into it, or guilt-tripped into it, people who want and choose to be there when it's needed. Not when it's convenient. I just want to feel like I matter.

This entire situation with the Garlean and his gunblade has me on-edge. Everything rides on this -- and there's nothing at all I can do to help. I'm no smith, no engineer, no anything. At best, I'll get in the way; at worst, I'll cause them to fail, so it's just better for me to preoccupy myself elsewhere. There's things going on in Nightcross that I can attend to and if all else fails, I can go into Garlemald myself to see if there's anything worth investigating out that way. At least I won't be sitting here doing nothing. I won't be sitting here on my hands just waiting for word. Ever have I been a woman of action. So I must act and I must do. Especially when the fate of my family depends on it.

Garret called on me this evening. He sounded so exhausted and stressed, I don't think I've ever heard him that pushed to his limit. I know Oxomoco would rather I leave him to stew in his own soup, but I couldn't just leave him out there alone in Kugane in such a state of distress, so I went to check on him. Sure enough, he was at his wit's end with everything he's had to deal with the past sennight. Between difficult clients and Yumari's shenanigans, I can understand why he's in such a state. All these people he's been dealing with are headache inducing. He changed his hair. It looks good on him. A lot about him has changed, his attitudes, the effort he expends, the way he reacts to my presence when I'm around him. It's all different. A totally different man from the one I met so many moons ago. There's a part of me that's saddened by the fact that it took all this to get him to realize that his life needed a drastic change. But part of me is very happy for him, because in spite of the hurts he's caused me, he still deserves to live his truest, best life.

Twisted Sinews

It’s been some time since I’ve written. Much has changed and much has stayed the same. Most of the friends I’ve made in the Quicksand have vanished or otherwise made themselves scarce, but the ones that remained reinforced why I find it so hard to t...

08:16 am - 13.10.2025

It was a fairly busy sennight recently, but that’s not all that uncommon for me. I went with Kosuke Kiritsugi and Zerey to investigate the Watchtower that stands on the north side of the cenote in Nightcross. Zerey wanted to see if the building was still salvageable, something about improving the state of security for the village. While I don’t disagree with him, I still feel our priority should be for the Storehouse, because if all their food and building supplies get ruined by the environment or stolen by raiding beasts, then there won’t be a village to need that protection and security. Still, it’s good to see Zerey taking initiative to do something; he’s seemed very listless of late when I’ve seen him. There’s a reason that I travel armed and armored most days, because any time I get involved in something it almost always goes sideways. What starts as the most innocuous gathering turns into a fight-for-your-life battle with one thing or another. This situation proved no different, although it was less fighting for my own life and more working to save Zerey’s. When we got to the Watchtower, the outside of it seemed a bit dilapidated but there seemed to be some good bones underneath. Kosuke and I decided to investigate, see if the foundation and the support structure were still sound. If those were in fairly good condition, then it would just be a matter of replacing the wall and floorboards. We went in the front door and Zerey decided he’d climb the ladders to the upper levels to make his own assessment. The interior was about what I expected. A tiny bit overgrown from those plants and vines that managed to eke their way between the floorboards and the wall boards. Rodentia and other creatures of the jungle had made nesting grounds in the shelter of the interior. I found a crate of supplies, given that this tower used to be used to barracks the local militia. It told a silent story of how urgent their egress from this place was, given that an entire crate of tools, uniforms, and bedding were just left to molder. I’m surprised the tower isn’t more damaged, given what Zoraal Ja’s troops did to Tuliyollal, but we’ll take our small miracles where we can find them. As we were conducting our interior inspection, though, I’m not sure what Zerey did above us. All we heard was a resounding CRASH! So, I threw a shield around Kosuke using the runes inscribed on my greataxe, thanks to Garret Hjorth, then we both got out of there. We look up to check on Zerey only to find him trapped on the fifth level of the Watchtower, because he’d somehow managed to knock down every single one of the climbing ladders. Granted, they weren’t in that great of condition when he started, they creaked and groaned even under his slight weight, but Vidraal’s Fangs, I’m glad he wasn’t on the ladders when it happened. Using a rope and grappling hook I found in the supply crate that wasn’t too rodent-eaten or worn, I threw it up to let Zerey slide down it using his belt. What happened after that — well, only the three of us will ever know. A few days later, while hanging out with Oxomoco Canek, we also encountered Briar Balboa and Zerey again. Briar is apparently having some kind of trouble among her tribe, which is an interesting thing considering she’s not one to mention them often. She plays things close to the vest, that one, not that I blame her. Even my own social circle is small, because I don’t believe in bringing complete strangers into my business. Any time I’ve attempted it, it’s always left sour grapes in my mouth. Some people just can’t be trusted. Zerey also spoke of finding a new path for himself, so I suggested he look into the Vipers of Tural and the Wings of Protection in Tuliyollal. Not only would that give him a new fighting style to learn, but it would give him a way to help others and train himself up, given that the Wings are taking in adventurers of all sorts to hunt down troublesome beasts and monsters that have cropped up in Tural since all the upheaval. Still, it would suit him and his samurai fighting style well, provided he can learn to use two blades instead of one.

I never know what the Quicksand will suck into my orbit on any given night. Tonight, it was the apprentice of a former arena master that I only ever knew as Waldric, the Training Master at the Iron Arena spoke of the man often. He was a skilled unarmed fighter who only ever took one apprentice, this man, this Lewenhart Steele. Waldric was described as a man of determination, toughness, a reputation that preceded him both in and out of the ring. Meeting his apprentice, this man is ... not that. He couldn't even so much as look me in the eye, so submissive and docile was he. He spoke of putting his fighting days behind him to become a goldsmith. Not that I take any issue with someone finding a profession better suited to them, but I don't think his heart was in fighting to begin with. As he said, it was merely for survival. Courage does not live in the unwilling heart, or so the saying goes. Do I believe Lewenhart is a coward? No, but fighting, both in the arena and upon the battlefield, takes a certain level of courage that I'm not sure this man has. A cornered rat can fight for survival, a fox caught in a trap will fight for survival; when we're sad and desperate and feel we have no other option, we'll fight for survival. His heart doesn't long for combat, doesn't thrive in it. But so much change in so short a time, between the death of his mentor, the receiving of that mentor's estate, and this decision to become a goldsmith has paralyzed and overwhelmed him. The only advice I could give him was to take things one day at a time. To focus on one task, one thing: Making a farewell gift for old Waldric, something the man would be proud to have or to wear. A gift that Lewenhart could leave wherever his master was laid to rest. He seemed pleased with that thought. During our conversation, he mentioned that I must have many followers because I seem so self-assured and strong in my purpose, that I seemed like a leader that people would follow. I told him that if I didn't lead, then I'd end up going nowhere. My life has moved in the ways it has, because I willed it so. No one was going to do it for me. I had a family to provide for, a search for my sisters to fund, and a world I wanted to see. If I wasn't going to lead myself to the things I wanted, then who would? He hung his head and wouldn't hardly look at me, saying that I was awe-inspiring for my conviction. It made me wonder just how rare a trait these were: conviction of purpose, surety of self, confidence in ability, that a man should find them things to admire. Oxomoco would likely call him a chucklehyuk.

Last night we helped [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] take the first step toward recovering her lost past. While I can't say that it was altogether a happy ending, I at least feel like we made some kind of progress. I have a concern for her now, knowing that this [i]Noose's Shadow[/i] vigilante group exists and that they have some kind of long-standing vendetta against her. They've tried not once, not twice, but three times now to end her life, but each time they failed. It makes me curious as to just what Ex did in her previous life as a pirate to demand such hatred and infamy. It also makes me wonder just /what/ Ex is that she's able to survive so many recurrent deaths. I've offered myself up to the [i]Noose[/i] in trade for Ex's freedom from their scrutiny. One fight to decide her fate with them. They send me a Champion of their choosing and if I win, Ex goes free. If I lose, then they can have her. I don't intend to lose. We'll see if they rise to the bait. I offered them a sum of gil besides, but some hatreds even money can't pay off. [b]Garret Hjorth[/b] was particularly troubled about the vigilante group and their wanton killing of others in the name of supposed "justice". We ended up having a long talk about the philosophies of Mankind and how people are prone to doing things then justifying them or reasoning them later. Even the most evil person in the world oftentimes has some justification for why they choose to do the things they do. Those reasons, those justifications are what separate us from the beasts. Beasts know only survival of the fittest; kill or be killed, fight or flight -- all things built on instinct not reason. It's why we can sometimes [i]justify[/i] killing a dangerous beast, but sometimes not a dangerous person. Reasons.

The expedition into the Burn didn't go quite according to plan -- and now everything I'd hoped to learn there has quite literally gone up in smoke. I'll have to figure out where to go from here, what to do -- because there's a vidraal out there somewhere that will need dealing with before innocent people get hurt. [b]Garret Hjorth[/b] has, of course, volunteered to help in whatever ways he can. And there is always [b]Oxomoco Canek[/b]. With the two of them behind me, I know I can figure this out. It will give me something to put my energy toward, since all the other matters that I thought I was part of seem to have vanished. I haven't heard anything more from [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] about uncovering her lost memories, [b]Yumari Takeyari[/b] went off to Gyr Abania and hasn't been heard from since, so I suppose the matter of her training and her family are either resolved or she has other people to rely on for them. And, of course, there's [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] who's Monster Hunt seems less like a hunt and more like a drunken pub crawl. I'm not even really sure he wants to defeat Elendria; it's like he enjoys belaboring himself beneath her baleful gaze. There's no drive and no impetus to him to resolve that conflict and I can't make it for him. So, it goes on the shelf with all the other myriad problems I know my friends have, but that they don't seem interested in including me in. I have bigger vidraal to fry.

[b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] and I went out to some mercenary meet-up in the Shroud last night, I keep hoping to find something to do, because Ul'dah is just not enough and I've grown weary of standing around there just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for Oxomoco to be un-busy, waiting for Dorran to recover, waiting to see if Nimie is still with Yumari, waiting for Ex to say she's ready to look into more of her past. A hunt for a big, bad monster might do me well. Mm, unfortunately, what I got was a hunt for a big, bad... dragonfly? It'll do, I suppose. Ex seemed excited for me to hunt the thing and wanted to watch. I invited [b]Garret Hjorth[/b] out to the meet, since he keeps talking about wanting to come out of retirement, to do some good in the world, instead of just crafting his way through it -- although, I've told him that such humble professions still help the world in their own way. After all, what's an adventurer without their arms and armor? As it turns out, though, the hunt we were given is something we have to find and track on our own. I thought that the mercenary meet would be providing a guide of sorts. So, now I have to spend the day tracking the thing so that Garret and I can hunt it later. Last night was fun, though, between talking to him and Ex -- then just having an evening to myself where I didn't have to worry about everyone else's problems. And it wasn't just standing around in Ul'dah waiting for something to happen. This might just be the calm before the storm, but it felt like dancing in the rain beforehand. Oxomoco thinks I'm leading him on and that's going to lead to problems. That I need to put him back at arm's length and reinforce the boundary that he's just some guy I know, not even a true friend yet. I suppose that's fair. Garret hasn't been afraid to tell me how much he cares about me when he barely even knows me. And I can see it sometimes in the way he acts or the way his face turns red. So, I suppose I need to reinforce the idea that we're still just getting to know one another. I'll keep that in mind going forward. Mostly, I think Oxomoco's just mad she missed the pillow fight.

I spent the evening the other night out in the South Shroud with [b]Dorran Kaide[/b]. I thought I'd take him to see Urth's Fount, which has a history tied back to the Allagans. As much as he's enamored of the Allagans, I figured the story would entertain him at least -- but of course, he already knew it. Still, we sat in the quiet of the waterfall glade and talked, not about business or problems or what-have-you. We talked, like friends talk. I learned more about his past with Elendria, more reasons why anyone getting close to him is an impossibility. At least, not while Elendria lives. It was nice, though, to see him relax and let his guard down some. I know there's likely to never be a point in his life that he'll every completely let it down, but it was something. I felt like I saw more of the Real Dorran in those few bells than I've seen in all the moons I've known him. It was a good evening.

I went on a "date" with [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] last night. And no, it wasn't /that/ kind of date, like everyone seems to expect. Ex and I came to an understanding that while we both wanted different things and different kinds of people, there was no reason that we couldn't spend time together as women and friends, uplift each other, and make each other feel beautiful and cared for. So, that's what we aim to do. Everyone else can just take their raunchy thoughts about it and go soak their heads. Including [b]Oxomoco Canek[/b] It amuses me that out of all the nights I've had in Eorzea since I arrived, it's the night I have a "date" with someone that Oxomoco decides to poke her head out of the Ossuary. Not only that, but she proceeds to question and prod at my relationship to Ex like it was something ... romantic, I guess? Which Oxomoco, above anyone else, should know better. So, I played into her false assumptions some; if she wanted to be a brat about it, then so could I. I expected [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] to poke fun at me for going on a "date" with Ex, considering he was there when Ex asked me, so that came as no surprise. What did come as a surprise are Ex's own feelings toward Dorran, which she confessed to me later in the evening as we sat under the Sultantree. Then again, it shouldn't really come as a surprise; Dorran's had more than one woman in the time I've known him take his kindness and his flirtatious flattery as something more than it is. Entirely too charming for his own good, that one. Still, if Ex wants to go on a date with him, and he with her, I don't see why they can't. Maybe they can make one another happy. Vidraal only know that Dorran could use some happiness in his life with all the gloom and doom that hems him in. Eventually, though, we came 'round again to Ex's past and whether or not she wants answers about it. She does and she showed me a photograph of herself and some... friends? Comrades? There's no real certainty. The last time she went asking about them in the Gold Saucer was when she was taken -- and killed. In order to avoid a repeat performance, I offered to go with Dorran to investigate, rather than Ex doing it herself. We might draw some suspicion, but less than if Ex herself were with us. She agreed that should be the plan, so she or I will have to get Dorran in the loop. Once we do that, then we'll delve into Halatali. So, that's one step along one thread. Only three other threads to pull: The situation with [b]Edward Belmont[/b] and [b]Yarothgar Maevsch[/b] because Yarothgar wants to meet the hexed elezen to appraise his situation. Then there's [b]Yumari Takeyari[/b] and her impatience to return home to Kugane against all advice to the contrary. And then, of course, there's Dorran himself and his hunt for His Monster. So many threads, it's like I'm weaving a tapestry all my own these days.

[i]The road to the hells is paved with good intentions...[/i] I've heard that so many times over the years, been told that good intentions are never good enough if they end up costing more than the intent is worth. Everyone tells me I could have died yesterday, that the hex the amalj'aa afflicted me with was far more dangerous than any of us anticipated. That amalj'aa is dead now, of course, so no one else will be afflicted with that curse again. And now [b]Yarothgar Maevsch[/b] has the needed data to continue work on his prototype in order to help [b]Edward Belmont[/b] with his curse. Is that enough good to off-set the damage done to me? I'll recover. It'll take a few days, but I'll recover. I thought I was doing something worthwhile. But the worry I've caused my friends: [b]Dorran Kaide[/b], [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b], and little [b]Yumari Takeyari[/b] don't seem to agree. I was doing something foolhardy and reckless, thoughtless. Dorran came into the house in a rage, Ex said she wanted to do the same. Yumari was in tears all night. It makes me start to wonder if trying to help one person was worth all this, but what's done is done and cannot be undone. I either let this diminish me or I move forward in confidence. And I have never been much for the former. But I will rest as I've been told. I'll keep Dorran's disc with me that trickles in a bit of his own aether in order to accelerate me recovering my own. I'm just glad that [b]Oxomoco Canek[/b] has been so busy with the Ossuary. This would've been something she pulled my ears about and said some pretty abrasive things about me being stupid and how I think everything is a physical fight. Like I've never fought monsters before. So, color me a little glad, for once, that she's off somewhere doing Oxomoco things. I just need to recover before she shows back up.

A vidraal set loose by Garleans... in the hopes that Tural gets implicated for unleashing such hell upon Eorzea. And I'm seemingly the only one who can stop it. There are leads, to the Burn, where perhaps the ship carrying the thing crashed. At least if it's out there, it's somewhere remote. It can keep for now, until I have the time and resources to deal with it. The implications that it might be some kind of time decaying creature, though, lends me pause. I'm not sure how to combat that. I suppose I just have to trust in my skill, my greataxe, and my allies... Or friends. Friends which [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] and [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] have both proven themselves as. Friends I cannot leave behind. To say nothing of my sister, [b]Oxomoco Canek[/b]. There is still Dorran's Monster to hunt. There is still Ex's mystery to solve. There's even little [b]Yumari Takeyashi[/b] and her need to return to Kugane to face her past. I cannot hunt down a vidraal when there is so much left undone. Eorzea has survived Primals, Calamities, and worse. One vidraal can wait. I cannot ignore all that I've built here in Eorzea, else what was the point of coming here? The vidraal's time will come; on MY terms, when I am ready. There is much yet to do. And so I must do it.

Last night was another step toward finding [b]Ex's[/b] voice, a process I'm not truly part of but it's a wonder to watch all the same. All credit goes to [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] and his ingenuity. I don't think I ever see him happier than when he's working on this Vox project for Ex. He's so used to crafting weapons that the rare moments he gets to craft [i]anything else[/i] truly make his face light up. It makes me wish that the people that doubt him, people who denigrate what he does, could see this side of him. Somewhere out of all of that, I earned a date with Ex. Not that it bothers me; it wouldn't be the first time I've spent in companionable company with one of my friends. I just don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think there's anything more than there is. I enjoy her company, which is rare of me to say of women; most are either intimidated, jealous, or spiteful toward me for whatever reason. But there won't be anything more than that. And Vidraal's Fangs, she deserves more than I could ever give her, dear and sweet as she is. Still, I'll take her out to the Sultantree and show her the stars. I'll help her unravel her mysteries. If Dorran can give her a miracle, then I can try to give her one, too.

Another strange letter arrived for me in the mail. it contained a sheaf of pages that had some strange writing on it that I couldn't decipher. Even [b]Exulansis[/b] and [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] tried to translate it, but to no avail. The more Dorran spoke about Tural, about war that broke out, soldier-machines in white armor, I felt the crushing wait of my need to return home. What had become of my parents? Of Iq Br'aax? My comrades in the Landsguard? Questions that I cannot answer here in Eorzea. But neither can I leave. Oxomoco is here. I cannot leave her behind. I won't. Not after we just found one another again. Then there is the matter of Dorran and His Monster. I must help him, I must kill Elendria for him; I'm his Monster-Killer, the one he trusts to do what he may be unable to. I can't just leave him to fend for himself. These mysteries will keep. They endanger nothing and no one. Just little mechanical chips, and scrawlings on paper. They'll keep. They can wait. I cannot abandon those I care about most. I won't.

Shake It Off

[img:6416285|alignment: center|nolink] [i]Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.[/i] The warrioress made her way through the snow, breaking through the frozen snowdrifts; armored feet punctured through the ice-like surface down into the fluffier stuff beneath, sinkin...

06:44 pm - 26.02.2025

Last night was the first time in the whole of my life that I'd been witness to a real and true miracle. I saw a woman, a bard, who had lost her voice to tragedy given the ability to speak again through technology. [b]Ex[/b] was so elated, even as she faltered through finding her voice again through the cleverness of [b]Dorran Kaide's[/b] magitek. If only Amber had been on-hand to see THIS, then maybe she would be so against what Dorran does as an occupation. Maybe, like me, she would begin to understand the True Good that technology can do for others. I begin to see and understand what the Second Promise sees in it, technology and magitek. How it could be beneficial for our people, to better Tural in ways we could never before dream of. Technology can be life-changing, not just life-ending. I saw it first-hand tonight and I am... awed. It was one of the few times I saw true, unabashed joy on Dorran's face. He says he has a happy face all the time, but it's nothing like this. There is a light that gleams within the depths of his golden eyes, the war-torn lines of his face ease and even the timbre of his voice is lighter. Would that he could have more of such moments, they're too rare, and too fleeting. Perhaps when matters with His Monster are done he'll find more of such moments. It's hard to find them when Darkness and Danger loom so close. It's why I want to help him put an end to this, once and for all. He doesn't see it, but Elendria has him in an invisible cage where his melancholy and his trepidation alienate him from others. His reticence to trust, to let people in, all because of the danger Elendria represents. He doesn't wish to put others in the line of fire. All while keeping him solidly in a cage of his own making. A cage of his own fears. But I'm strong enough to bend the bars and break them.

Today was a day made for out of the ordinary encounters. It all began with [b]Yoko Onishi[/b] who showed up and was her "perpetually happy" self, getting all to in my personal space, and calling me her friend -- after I've known her all of two days! I finally asked her why she felt that way and it just devolved from there, she ended up crying, pretty much blaming me for everything -- Just like Khanna used to. I have expected my parents to show up to start admonishing me for bullying my littlest sister. After that I saw [b]Syrio Nessaire[/b] briefly. He seems concerned for my involvement with Dorran's Monster, but not enough to involve himself or give me anything but the most basic of advice, as if I'm some stripling that can't think for myself. As if I'd trust a super-heated axe that was made of iron or steel, some metal that isn't heat-resistant! Besides, I trust Dorran and his craft, he's not going to give me a weapon that's going to break on first use. That would defeat the purpose of even having it. I really [i]should[/i] put it through its paces though AND give it a name... Not long after that, I encountered a macabre done up vieran maiden calling herself Ex. I remember her, though, I remember her from one of the fetes thrown back in my arena days. She was a bard that performed there; I even remember one of her songs; "The Ferryman's Bargain". The poor thing lost her voice since I'd seen her last all those years ago, to reasons I don't feel right writing in here. Needless to say, I felt so sorry for her. For a songstress like her to lose such a beautiful voice is damn near criminal. It would be like me losing an arm or a leg. I could still fight, just like she can still play music -- but it just could never be the same as when we were whole. She asked me about her voice and I described it for her as I remembered it. I think it nearly brought her to tears. I wish there was something I could do to help her, but I'm sure she's been to all kinds of healers and chirurgeons. Such a voice should not be lost to the world. The world deserves to hear it. There must be something, some way I can help. I'll sleep on it. Maybe something will come to me.

[b]Dorran Kaide[/b] gifted me with a new axe this evening. At first, I was alarmed because I was told by a miqo'te in the Quicksand that today was the day that Eorzeans give gifts to the people they wish to be their... Valentione? Whatever that is. It's something to do about stating your intent to court them, I think? I was half afraid that Dorran was professing some manner of feelings by giving me such a gift, but he reassured me several times that it was nothing of the sort. He just wanted me to be well-armed in his fight against his Monster and her Voidsent cohort. The axe itself is... daunting. Or at least nothing that I've ever encountered in weaponry. It houses the detatched spirit of a Voidsent which is what fuels the magitek that empowers it. At a thought from me, the axehead will ignite with blue-white flame that superheats itself enough to cut through even the hardest materials. Dorran says that it's capable of [i]more[/i] but he didn't elaborate. He told me to practice with it for now and get used to it. As if that wasn't gift enough, he also gave me a book of Eorzea's history, going all the way back to the Fourth Astral Era. It was a tome that his mother had given him as a child. It seemed like something so precious, so well-kept all these years, that it should not be given to some base foreigner like myself. I told him I would read it and return it as quickly as I could, so that he would be able to have it again and bequeath it to his children and his grandchildren. And so the ghost of his mother wouldn't haunt either of us. We've enough dark things hanging around, we don't need another.

I accompanied [b]Titus Valentius[/b] on an escort mission this evening, walking a young, aspiring merchant's son to his destination in Little Ala Mhigo from Ul'dah. We were transporting a case of medicinals to the refugees there and it proved more adventuresome than a mere few malm's walk. A broodmother peiste decided we looked rather appetizing after the merchant's son, Aowic, decided to rouse her with his screeching. I took care of it in two blows. One to its soft underbelly as I slid beneath it, then another to hamstring its foreleg as it tried to body slam down into me. Between the blood and the orange dust of Thanalan, I came out of the fight looking like a baras from the Steppe. Our escortee seemed suitably impressed, I was just glad I could take it down in short order. Valentius seemed surprised that I didn't go in leaping skyward using aether and swinging around a fiery axe and all. We continued on to our destination and were then confronted with three bandits, determined to relieve us of the medicinals we were carrying. Valentius tried to assuage them with a bribe, promise of payment. I even tried to diffuse them by talking a little rational sense; their lives weren't worth the little they'd steal from us. I almost thought they'd listen, until their ringleader leapt forward to stab Valentius. After that, well, he'd warned them that any harm that befell us would be revisited on them tenfold. It left three bandits dead, either shot to death or with a cut throat. Fools. Stupid, narrow-sighted fools. We delivered the boy safely to Little Ala Mhigo and I was grateful for it. I've never had to endure so much blatant racism and bigotry in a single mortal being. But I was treated to more of it when we got to the township. People /hate/ Valentius. Or, I suppose, they hate what he represents, as a Garlean. He understands, though, understands why people hate him, denigrate him, treat him like garbage. Eorzeans are such a... complicated people. That's what [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] keeps telling me. They're complicated. Their history is complicated. [i]It's complicated.[/i] I should read more of Eorzea's history. I should understand why it's complicated.

Tonight was the night I'd set aside to spar with [b]Syrio Nessaire[/b] to defend the honor of Aunt Tii's tacos! The cocky viera dared to lay claim that he could make a better taco than Aunt Tii, so I called his bluff. But in order to earn the honor, I had to fight him for them. So we did that tonight. I'm not sure what I expected. After seeing him fight on the Bloodsands, I expected more magic, more showboating, more flamboyance. But perhaps that's the difference between a fight on the Bloodsands and a fight far away from the eyes of a captive audience. I don't think he held back in the least, but he was far more serious with me than I saw him on the Sands. I suppose it was just as well, because I gave him equal amounts of seriousness. He still got me a couple of times. This is a time I'm glad that Oxomoco is preoccupied with the Ossuary, elsewise she might be marching through Ul'dah hunting viera until she found Syrio, leaving scorched earth in her wake. Syrio isn't quite the person I thought he was when I met him in the Quicksand. Out in the jungles of La Noscea, he was contemplative, and seemingly filled with regrets, ill memories of his own time in the arenas. Fond of his cooking, fond of his Master, that much was clear. But there's a strange sort of softness beneath the overconfident, rapier wit. He seems almost... lonely. Nevertheless, It was a good time and the tacos he made... well, they were worth the scars I'll have. They evoked such memories of home, memories of my sisters back in simpler times. It made me horribly homesick. With all the news I keep hearing about Tural; civil war, monsters, machine armies, lightning cities in domes... It's everything I can do not to run home. My letters to our parents have gone unanswered. I fear the worst. But I can't leave Oxomoco now. Not now that we're finally together again after all these years. If we go back home, then we go back together or not at all.

I was put to the test tonight by my employer, [b]Dorran Kaide[/b], to make sure that I was capable of everything I've purportedly claimed about my skillset. He pit me against a creature known as a "Blackguard" -- some kind of flying voidsent knight. Like most Knights I've met, though, the creature was more bluster and pomp than any feasible skill. I've fought worse matches against Havoc back in my arena days. As a result, though, I was finally treated to the true story of Dorran's downfall and why these escapades are so important to him. He was a boy in love, who tried to move mountains, defeat Death, for the woman he loved. The kind of things they write stories about. Only he did it by doing things no person in their right mind should ever consider doing. Things I won't even write here, because they're his story to share. I gave him my thoughts on the matter and he seemed simultaneously annoyed and relieved, partly because I couldn't possibly understand what he's been through because I've never had any Great Love or True Love or whatever people want to romanticize it as. I have known the love of comrades and friends, of lovers and confidantes. They were none of them any Great Love, but they brought me solace when I needed it. A thing that Dorran has since denied himself because of his losses. The woman he's most smitten with is spoken for by an ishgardian Knight, for vidraal's sake! It's as if the man thrives only when he torments himself. As his friend -- which I suppose I count as now that he's entrusted me with an actual Truth of himself -- I have to help him find the path forward, instead of being mired in his thoughts of being defeated, yet again, by this Elendria. In the end, I gave him a token; a bundle of sticks tied together by a lock of my mane. To remind him that while one stick is breakable and fragile... a bundle of sticks becomes unbreakable. He simply needs more sticks...

I went out to Ishgard with [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] because he wanted to enlist some of his Companymates to his cause against the void cultists. There's so much more to the story than I've been told, but thusfar, I've not been privy to it. I know Dorran is simply my employer, so he owes me nothing in terms of story. But the man also claims to trust me... How can he trust me when he doesn't even know me? He doesn't even truly believe I've done the things I say I've done. I simply "claim" to have done them, like some braggart in the Quicksand lauding his great deeds, but never backing them up. I suppose, though, in the Grand Scheme of things I /am/ nothing but some braggart from the Quicksand. Dorran doesn't know me from a hole in the ground. I'm not sure he ever will, because the only thing we talk about is the mission, the voidsent, and all the plotting and planning that comes along with it. He says he trusts me, but he has no reason to. He says he trusts me, but not with his own story as to why we're doing this. He says he trusts me... and all I can think of to ask is "Why?"

Last night was spent talking with [b]Syrio Nessaire[/b], mostly about our continued battle of the Better Taco. But also about life, in general. I told him about my upbringing in the Landsguard. He helped me see that change, improvement, and innovation are good things, because I told him there was no improving on Aunt Tii's tacos. But even the Training Master used to say that stagnation was the death of a warrior; we always had to strive to learn, to grow, to make ourselves better. The world didn't turn on inertia. So change, improvement was good. And it was good to be reminded.

Spent some time in the company of a roegadyn, [b]Shining Bull[/b]. He was an amusing sort of man, a bit rough around the edges, but pretty transparent about what he wanted out of life. A few secrets, including a sordid past with the Yakuza, but who among us doesn't have our share of secrets? He kept calling me an "exotic beauty" which was flattering. Ever since I came to Eorzea, I feel mostly like a faceless enigma. A nobody. It's quite a shift from being idolized and popular overseas, given my arena fame abroad. So, it was kind of nice to be noticed. Even when I declined his offer of more, he still stayed and we talked a while longer about inconsequential nothings. It was nice. He seems determined to win me over, though whether that's a real goal of his or just something he said to be flattering remains to be seen.

I spent an unexpected evening in the company of [b]Syrio Nessaire[/b] -- the viera who threatened me over his ability to make a decent taco. He apologized for his behavior, which I accepted. I thought it would end with that, but he ended up staying and we ended up talking for a while. I learned that he's some kind of arena fighter, but I've fought in arenas the world over and I've never heard his name anywhere. And I'm certain that if someone that was trained by Master Florelis was fighting in arenas somewhere, I'd have heard of it. He gave me a coin, though, blessed of his goddess, Nymeia; one of the Twelve who rules over luck and Fate. He said if I was ever faced with a dire decision, I should flip the coin and let Nymeia guide me. It seems such a fickle thing to decide one's life and one's future on a coin toss -- but I suppose if I'm at a stand still with a decision, some kind of forward momentum is better than none. I leave for Coerthas soon to help [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] with his voidsent problem. I can only hope that I don't need to use the coin for anything concerning that. Still, Syrio gave me some useful advice in fighting them, I figure Dorran has the means to banish them permanently; it'd be foolish to undertake such a venture and not have the means otherwise. I've left the remaining bulk of the coin he paid me with over with the Ossuary, to be dispensed to Oxomoco should anything happen to me. I know she'll grump and lecture me later about it, but after all these years if something goes awry, I just want her to be taken care of...

Yesterday was an odd day. Some elezen first tried to intimate that I wasn't an 'actual' woman, then some giant tin can told me that I'm old and a 'cougar' -- at a little over 30 years old. When [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] explained to me what a 'cougar' even was, I was floored. I'm not that old and I'm not looking for some boy-child hangers-on. I'm not looking for anyone at all. Eorzea is a weird place and the people have weird thoughts here. Dorran eventually introduced me to one of his Companymates, Ziandria Dothlar, a hrothgar from... somewhere. I don't think it was ever actually said, but she's not a xbr'aal from Tural like we are. She seemed nice enough, interested in learning how to swing an axe. I can at least teach her the basics, but I've never actually had to train anyone before. That's what the Training Master's job was. Dorran himself seemed a bit... touchy all evening. It might be time to carry him out to the Sultantree again. Or maybe he's just nervous about the journey to Coerthas. He keeps going on about how personal it is and about his personal monster... If it's something so personal to him, it makes me wonder why he asked me along at all. Where are his friends? Where are the people for whom there's a more personal stake in this? I suppose I should be honored. The end of the night saw me debating with a viera about his ability to cook a better taco than Aunt Tii's. It eventually took a weird turn, though, when he and his elezen groupie started threatening me with a fight over it. Going on and on about his battle prowess like he and I should just throw down over it. Eorzeans are downright odd, odd and defensive over the strangest things. It makes me miss Oxomoco. I hate the Ossuary for keeping her all tied up with their nonsense.

Spent most of the evening lurking with [b]M'ythral Tia[/b]. Not really talking about anything of merit, mostly idle nonsense. Still, it was better than a whole lot of the barren silence I was enjoying before I walked up to him. I don't know what it is about me that's so off-putting to people. Maybe I'm too intimidating. Or as M'yth put it, too intimidatingly beautiful. Whatever it is, it pretty much ensures that if I want to have a conversation with someone, I have to ambush them with it. Except for [b]Kosuke Kiritsugi[/b], he never fears to approach me, but I haven't seen him in a couple of sennights now. It makes me look forward to whatever job [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] has in the works. If it gets me out of this city, out of this state of stagnation, then maybe I won't feel so alone here with Oxomoco tied up with Ossuary business.

I found [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] in the Quicksand again, as I often do. He was with some vapid elezen who seemed more interested in her friends standing at the railing above Dorran than she was interested in Dorran himself. What is it with this man and his piss-poor taste in women? First that psychotic viera, now this one who all but ignores him. Are people in Ul'dah all this wretched to each other? Dorran seemed like he needed a break so I carried him out to the Sultantree. I've heard many stories about the Sultantree, how it's a symbol of Ul'dah and her prosperity, how so long as the Sultantree thrives, then Ul'dah, too, will thrive. It seemed a nice place to take him, it also has a great view of the stars. While I don't know him well, I could tell that something was weighing on Dorran like he was wearing an anchor around his neck. Turns out the Bozjan fool was worried about his friends getting involved in his troubles. So, I turned it 'round on him. If positions were reversed and it was his friends that needed help, he'd do all in his power to help and protect them, right? So why does he believe himself exempt from the same treatment everyone else gets? That seemed to give him food for thought. He reminds me so much of Havoc...

I was offered a job today by [b]Dorran Kaide[/b], defending some undertaking he has from voidsmell -- er, voidsent -- incursion. I'm not sure what he's doing that would provoke them, but I've known less when serving the Landsguard. Simply given my orders and deployed, this is no different. Except I'll get paid! Well, more than the stipend I earned with the Landsguard, at any rate. Probably should've charged him for pest control services, after dealing with that obnoxious viera that decided to latch on to him. Although, I'm relieved to know it wasn't an [i]actual[/i] friend of his. It seems rather bad form to insult the friend of your future employer, so I'm glad I didn't stick my foot in my mouth on that score. She deserved what she got, though, snarking at me like I did her some kind of wrong when she's the one that butted into our business to begin with. Some people have no manners. Still, Dorran apologized for her intrusion and said we'd discuss negotiations for my pay rate after I'd had a chance to talk to Oxomoco. So, that's what I'll do... as soon as I can pry her out of the Ossuary.