spirit trip (2/?)

Sapphire and Theriat
 
Sapphire seemed pretty snarky when I met her. She had made a pact with some entity, but I don't know which one. I guess they had something to do with ice, because she mentioned freezing them. The whole time, though, she was using fiery stuff. She figured it was because she was dead. (I mean, we all were, so that's obvious.)
 
She also mentioned that she didn't remember her death, which to me is kinda sad.
 
She kind of reminds me of myself when I was thirteen. Pissed off, trying to hate the world, and really fuckin lonely.
She mentioned this Lunire person a few times, but the time that hurt the most was when she almost died to an empty soul. (More on those later, as I'm going to get depressed talking about them.)
 
I healed her up, feeling a bit salty about being a Budget Cleric. But then, she said-
 
"I hardly get any help, especially since I don't... Usually group with others."
 
That just hurt in a lot of places I thought I'd forgotten. It was like someone had taken my sword and stabbed me with it, going past everything I had put to stop things like that.
 
I think this struck me so much because Chris told me that I could do that same thing to her.
 
I feel a bit selfish talking about myself, but this is literally a journal where the purpose is to talk about myself. Once again, my internal logic and my mother's expectations are at a conflict.
 
So, someone like myself. I said what I could at that time-
 
"I'm sorry that you had to be alone."
 
We then talked a little about our missing siblings. I really did want to team up with her for a bit, but then... well.
 
Theriat was different. I kinda saw them in The Dream (shit that's another entry) with Alomes. Speaking of Alomes, Theriat said I was like him. I didn't know what to think of that at the time. I was sixteen, and stupid, and I didn't really trust him.
 
Theriat was our final brain cell, and I can't express how grateful I am for their help.
 
(a bard that can't express things, how useless)
 
They got us into this cave pattern, where we found arrow mesh ALOMES.
 
He had his hand in my hair, which might have been annoying, but then we had better things to be mad about. We didn't have long to make friends, really.
 
I think Theriat and Alomes were a thing before. They were talking about stuff that happened in their past, but not wanting to go into detail.
 
(the note gradually descends into Elvish handwriting, which is rushed and has scribbles over them)
 
I'm sorry I'm sorry i just stood there while you died i couldn't do anything and we had to fight you later on
i couldn't even save either of you i feel so fucking selfish just for wanting you guys to be alive and okay what am i even asking for
why is everything i do touched by selfishness and being weak this is going to fucking destroy me from the inside im tired of being useless and a failure and tired of losing and being stepped on by this stupid universe, what am i even saving
 
...i heard Steph's voice.
 
i don't know when i first realized i love her.
 
i just wanted to get back.
 
but then
 
these empty souls ambushed us
 
and they looked like our loved ones
 
sapph saw lunire. i think alomes saw maria and theriat saw alomes. and i saw my sister
 
and they just died again. barely able to say anything, and the empty souls just cut them down like it was nothing
 
like they were nothing
 
who's left to remember them? are they just going to be dust of empty souls? no i refuse to forget
 
i knew it wasn't really christine. i knew it couldn't have been her. everything was wrong.
 
and yet it hurt so fucking much to fight "her".
 
I promised I would never hurt her. I would never bring the hatred in my house to her.
 
I'll never forget them. Ever.