Motivate, Elevate, Hyperventilate: Vex's guide to mountaineering

• We buy a chicken.

• We learn that Kupo's bounty was posted by a white mage and then immediately rescinded by a different white mage. We also find no leads on the marlboro smuggling ring.

• Vex and I take a break from doing any work to go and buy some studded leather armor. As I spent all of my money on a crossbow about 15 minutes prior, I instead spend Kupo's money.

• We decide to go and inspect the nearest primal crystal since it's not too far. In the local library we learn that there is a mystical peak in the nearby mountains which falls into the area which we suspect the primal earth crystal of being in.

• As we prepare for our mountaineering excursion, Kupo and Vex negotiate a 25% discount on climbing gear and receive an offer to allow us to sell the gear back for half of what we paid when we're done with it. This is an astoundingly good deal that I'm shocked they were able to haggle for. I'm equally shocked when Vex, seemingly not realising he has secured what amounts to a 62.5% discount, continues to push the merchant for a better offer. Zef and I step in to seal the deal before Vex can socially incapacitate himself.

• Contrary to expectations, we work together as a competent and effective team to reach Titan's Peak without incident. The only casualty is whatever remained of Vex's humility as he begins giving us daily inspirational speeches.

• As we enter a cave that we assume will lead us to the crystal, Arrex gets 'excited' and makes us uncomfortable.

• We spot an Otyugh eating some sort of substance off the floor in the distance. My expansive bestiary knowledge and breadth of worldly experience immediately tell me that this substance is none other than bugbear shite. I consider turning back as memories of killing a dozen bugbears while I sneak through their dung-filled camp come flooding back to me, like a sewer in monsoon season; all the money I earned from that job was spent on desperately trying to rid myself of the smell and buying a whole new set of equipment, leaving me without a single gil to my name before my usual webby aroma returned.

• We continue deeper into the mountain, guided by Rex's warm, tingling sensation.

• We reach mud.

• Small earthquakes begin shaking the mountain, sending Vex into a claustrophobic panic. He is not comforted by my assurance that there's nothing we could do anyway if we get trapped.

• We reach a wall with holes in it which Arrex can't wait to get into. The defenders of the holes jump out of the walls and fight us in an effort to keep us away. I take a punch from behind, but as I do I recall that Vex probably said something inspirational earlier and decide not to be hurt. We finish the guardians off and Kupo heals up our minor injuries while Arrex puts a ball found in one of the guardians into a hole in the wall.

• Two rooms appear either side of us, each with some kind of muddy puzzle in them and another ball for the wall at the end. Presumably these puzzles have a solution, but Kupo uses magic to bypass/brute force them and save us all time and thinking power.

• Placing the remaining balls in the holes in the wall opens up a new chamber. Upon entering, an earthquake speaks to us. I don't speak earthquake but it sounds like:

Angery Earthquake noises
"Rise to awaken
 
Something about sand
 
I need a drink
 
Get off my land"

• Whilst Arrex, Vex, and I consider what the earthquake means, Kupo shoots a container full of sand which starts flooding the chamber. Seeing that the weight of the sand causes the floor of the chamber to lower, slightly exposing a lower floor to us, we destroy some more containers while some more hole guardians make a half-hearted attempt to stop us. The floor is eventually low enough for us to hop down to the next floor, carrying a large chalice we found on the top floor with us. We rinse and repeat the process and go down the next floor bringing a second chalice with us and finding a third on the next floor. Finding some chalice shaped holes in a door on this floor, we surmise that we need to fill the chalices and insert them into the door.

• We consider what an earthquake would like to drink. The answer, it turns out, is not sand, blood, hot bone whiskey, or piss, but water. We go through the door after inserting the chalices and find a giant crystal 30 feet high and 10 feet wide. We assume the position and try to touch weapon tips on the crystal to show it our dedication, but the crystal shies away into the ground and then tries to bury us in a rockfall like the tsundere it really is.

• Our sweet baby Arrex has a rush of wind which protects us from the rocks and begins to rocket the platform we're on out of the chamber. As we're shooting up, however, an angry face appears in the wall in front of us and some big ol' rocky arms reach out and grab the platform.