Why Am I Doing This?

What is the reason that I am looking down this dark path? Why am I trying to find The Eternal Weaver when every book I have read states that the cost is great to receive anything from her. That story about Midnight, the tabaxi has given me great pause whether I should continue down this path. I have already served a dark goddess, Elaria Duskmantle; would I be forced to serve Drahvena as well? Are my memories even worth it? Who was that elf I saw during the shadowed echo? Who was she to me?
I would ask Fip about this, but he is in no shape to provide guidance, or clarity, about this decision. The others could certainly assist with this decision, but other than Erik, they would just stop me. Erik is smart, but he's too preoccupied with that book of his. Scree, as lovely as she is, would probably slap me for this. For the first time in the last 3 years, I am truly terrified about the decision I am about to make. Will this lead me further into darkness like when I served Elaria? Can my soul even handle what I am about to do? There are too many dark fates that the soul can be dragged to, look at what happened to Temperance. I don't want to suffer for eternity! Haven't I suffered enough?
Lliira, please be with me. I'm sorry if I am walking a path that you cannot follow, but I must know who I am. I am going to the Eternal Weaver's temple. I hope to speak with the clerics (Is that even the right term?) there and find out if I can contact Drahvena. Hopefully my silver tongue will be instrumental in convincing them to provide the information I need.
If this goes south, to my friends, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was doing this. I am giving this page of my journal to the Majordomo in the hopes that if I disappear, you will be at peace in the knowledge of knowing what happened to me and that I made this choice. It is selfish of me, I know, but while I am quite jovial, it is only because you all have provided the best memories of my life. I struggle every day with the knowledge that I have no clue who I am, or what I have done, other than the atrocities I have committed.
I have left a copy of my will attached to this note if it comes to that. Each of you will receive something, but it's not important to write in this entry. I truly love each and every one of you and I apologize for the heartbreak I may be adding to your lives if this goes sideways. Please pray to whatever deity you worship that I will not be lost down this road. If something happens to me, the Majordomo will know what to do. I pray that you will not have to see this entry and you will never know about this.