Amongst the Flamespears

I have to say, I was surprised to find an orc I considered attractive. But, there is just something about the allure of a dangerous woman even if she's strong enough to just manhandle me...
 
Still, I cannot help but feel my heart is not in it. The lack of any sort of romantic fascination is something I'm use to...but this chase of a sexual romp does not invigorate me as it once did. I feel I'm doing it out of habit just because I found this Shagar Flame Speaker to my physical liking. In truth, it has felt this way since we left Velthanor. I once held a lust for fighting and fucking that now feels...hollow. Perhaps this is the result of finally admitting how utterly fucking broken of a person I am.
 
As I sit in the camp writing this, I cannot help but feel that it is time for the man I once was to die. I can still feel the anger boiling beneath my surface. Still feel the want to take a woman and make her mine for a night. I do not think either of those traits will ever fully leave me. They are the imperfections of who I am. But, if the killing and fucking stops being enough....what happens to me then? For years they were the only two things I felt. Now..as I step out of shadows and shed old weights, I feel something else. As if there is something missing and I cannot begin to fathom what it is.
 
In the morning I will follow the Captain into another fucking volcano. Kill a sea serpent, some mermaids and more fish fucks. All for another piece of Tanifa. I wonder what sort of powers her fins will grant? Or what I'll feel like when I kill linnorm? Will I feel anything?
 
This journal is starting to feel fucking depressing. Time to chug some alcoholic milk and go to sleep.