Goblins, Again

We're finally back in Myrefell. Since this whole continent's going to shit, it wasn't surprising to find the city's under siege from a bunch of goblins, but it doesn't make things any easier to be expecting it.
I thought the fight would be fun, at least a distraction, but it wasn't. It's been hard to enjoy anything since that fucking mushroom cave, and it didn't help that I was tripping over dead soldiers every two steps. I can't believe that's all they have to defend the city. There probably would've been less casualties if those "soldiers" had fled into the walls and let us deal with it. Ethar incinerated like twenty of them with one spell, and I didn't even get to break a sweat. I did see Aurnel take a nasty arrow wound, but it's not really a big deal when you have healing magic. Not that it was much help for the soldiers. They kept yelling about holding the line, but all they really did was make a wall of meat for the goblins to kill.
 
I can't even call it a win. There are going to be more of them, and it's not like we can stick around babysitting Myrefell. There's enough we have to deal with already. I thought adventuring was going to be fun, but it seems like nobody can take care of themselves, not the peasants and not any of the lords who are supposed to be running the place.
 
We did find someone to cure us finally. Kinda. I was pretty sure it worked, I don't feel sick and horrible anymore, but the cravings haven't gone away. I don't know what I'm going to do if they get bad again, but I'm not going to complain about it anymore. I can handle it for now, and it's nice to be able to have a conversation with someone without the urge to choke them out.
 
The healing was weird. I'm never going to be comfortable going into a temple, but at least so far nothing too bad has happened. I'm still waiting for some stupid priest to throw holy water in my face, and I'm pretty sure everyone there could tell how freaked out I was. I might as well just tell them at this point, it's getting to be more trouble than it's worth. If they haven't already figured it out. When I mentioned I wasn't 100% after the healing, Omar seemed like he expected it. I don't know what that means, and I don't even know how this stuff is supposed to affect me, anyway. I wish I'd bothered Dad about it more.
 
Ethar is acting like herself again, at least. Hurm, I have no idea, but... it's Hurm. I never know what's going through his head. I'm still not even sure why he's coming along with us. Actually, I don't know why a lot of them are here. Ethar's following her guide, and she wants to help the Ancient One, but she doesn't seem like she's in any hurry. It's weird, she's just enjoying herself. Burns up a few goblins with a flick of the wrist and then asks me where a bagel shop might be.
 
Fitz isn't any better, I understand him even less. It seems like he gets along with Hurm, and I don't think anyone is capable of disliking Ethar. Come to think of it, he was happy to see Omar again… so I guess he does consider him a friend. No idea how he feels about me at this point, or if he and Sylvar are cool.
 
But this is pointless, I have enough to worry about, all that really matters is we're all on the same side.
 
Hurm and Fitz went to the library right after the healing. Fitz wanted to let Hurm go by himself, but I'm pretty sure he was joking about it being a good thing if he did get kidnapped. I really don't want a repeat of getting Ethar out of that jail. I've never been emasculated by a lock before, but if it happens again I might go turn myself in to the Fiend Hunters.
 
The rest of us (besides Sylvar, I guess he's still worried about his cook?) are going to the Slatebrand Estate with Aurnel. It's the last thing I want to be doing, but he was going to go with or without us, he says he has to. It feels kind of stupid to even go with him, I don't know what that Villard guy is going to say when he sees us (hopefully nothing), but it feels like a worse idea to have him go alone. Like, that'll be the last we see of him, or something.
 
I worry about him way too much, it's weird. And annoying, like why is he running into fights if he doesn't even like fighting? Omar is a weakling so he hides behind things and attacks from far away, that makes sense. And I keep thinking Aurnel thinks I'm an idiot, but why do I even care about THAT? I shouldn't care this much about the job in Berem. It's not like it's my neck on the line, it was Sylvar who decided to get us this job, and I could care less about someone targeting nobles. Honestly, now that I'm not crawling out of my skin thinking about mushrooms, I'd rather go take down that "great evil" out in the mountains that's tearing up the countryside. We would go right through Larnwick on the way, I could ask if anyone's seen Dad or Master Brim. But no, I'm all gung ho about fucking Berem, and it's all Aurnel's fault. Stupid murdered fiance that was probably killed by her own stupid evil dad.
 
It doesn't help that I've been so out of control these past few weeks. I swear, the dumb shit that keeps spewing out of my mouth. Why do the rest of them tolerate having me around? All I do is snap at them, and Fitz seems to like pissing me off, too. Maybe he just finds it funny. Sometimes I just want to make him shut up myself, and I know I'm not supposed to be thinking like that, or solving every disagreement with trying to hurt the asshole who started it, but I don't think I'm smart enough to resolve things any other way.
I know I didn't used to be angry all the time, but it's hard to remember what that was like.
 
So I'm remembering why I don't write these fucking things. I should probably burn this.