Alienation

Why did I run away?
 
There wasn't an inciting incident, there wasn't any specific act of cruelty that scared me into it. It was alienation, an encroaching feeling that I was not part of the Perhonen family. That even as I slept under the finest silk sheets and ate rich food, that I was an outsider. The more I understood of alchemy the more certain I became that my hybrid anatomy had been caused by my mother, and that she understood this just as well as I. Yet, she never stopped treating me as the perpetrator of some terrible crime against her. For her, there was no reason to distinguish between the cause and effect of my mutation. To her, I was no daughter and no son, therefore I was nothing and that was the only thing that mattered.
 
A few of my siblings became my friends. Hanza was the only person who treated my like family, doting on me like a little sister. We would stay up late into the day and scheme to pull pranks on my more uptight sisters. It was a dangerous game we played, making would-be Matriarchs look like fools, but no Drow can find joy in a game that doesn't involve at least some risk of death. As I endured puberty he would soothe my anxiety by joking that I had the best of both genders, that he was actually jealous of me. For him, sex was just another service men owed to the family, no different than murder or court ritual. That I had both a cock and pussy just meant that I had more tools to deploy. I was never so sanguine, but he accepted me for what I was and for that I love him.
 
My sister Miezen was also accepting, though never openly affectionate. She saw my lack of ambition as an opportunity to form an uncomplicated friendship. Most of our interactions were utilitarian, I was much better at alchemy than she, and she never felt the least bit ashamed to obligate my time to improve her craft, but she did trust me. When she needed to vent her anxieties she would come to me, and I would comfort her. All Drow noble women go to sleep with the inescapable fear of not knowing whether they'll wake in the morning. Miezen's status as favored daughter only intensified that fear, a fear that she only escaped when she slept in my bed. She trusted me to stay awake while she slept to watch over her, sure beyond any doubt that I would never hurt her.
 
The rest of my siblings limited their interactions with me. Apart from when I was teaching, I was usually left alone. Occasionally some eager sister would try to curry my favor for aid in my alchemy course, but it was never genuine. It would be a fun dalliance, a flash of intrigue and interest followed by another year of cold. Their true emotions usually ranged between revulsion and pity. The worst lusted after me.
 
A few happy moments, spread months and years apart with Hanza and Miezen couldn't make for a bearable life. I realized that eventually Matriarch Perhonen would have me killed. My growing skills could become a threat. I was only one of her children that showed any chance of exceeding her own skills in mutagenic alchemy. I could forestall, even prevent my filicide by restraining my skills, but that path was an option I only briefly considered. A life of self-imposed mediocrity lacks any charm.
 
On my thirtieth birthday I asked Matriarch Perhonen a favor, to join in the Priesthood of Lolth. She thought about it for ten seconds then, cast me aside without a second thought.