Post hangover contemplation

What in the gold plated fuck am I doing?
 
I knew what I was doing now, bitching and complaining as I replant the garden after the Ranger's dog wolf dug it up for no reason.
 
But why was I replanting the garden. It wasn't even my garden. I'm not a gardener by nature and my last attempt at gardening had been a disaster that took the city guard a week to clean up. This was Pari's garden, something that she left with a half assed goodbye behind like her cat.
 
The care and maintenance of this patch of dirt was far from my responsibility, yet I was sat on my knees patting dirt around a tomato plant in the hot sun.
 
Why do I bother with things that aren't my problem?
 
I suppose a good excuse was a distraction from my hang over. Or maybe I didn't want Talima to get upset. Maybe I knew no one else would get around it it. Vern and the ranger didn't seem the type. Noct certainly isn't one to nurture life. Teremun is more a cook than a gardener. Vurak did water the plants, but had made no effort to actually fix the garden after Sineafar's mess.
 
Maybe it's just something Bellamy would do.
 
I mean, I was supposed to be pretending to be him. Pretend to care. Pretend to be generous. Pretend to worry about other people.
 
I suppose it did good for people to see Bellamy doing humble things like gardening.
 
It wasn't doing me much good, baking in the sun while in the middle of a pounding headache. Hard to make process on gardening and thinking when every minute or so all thoughts divert to how shit you feel.
 
With a groan of defeat, I roll backwards to lay on the dirt. I stare at the clear sky above, vaguely annoyed at the pathetic wisps of clouds that do nothing to block the burning judgemental sun.
 
What was I thinking about…
What am I doing?
 
That is the question of the day.
 
Last night's conversation had done little to help. Teremun and the ranger going on about how they didn't understand my goals and all. Nothing I hadn't argued with myself about. It was a stupid idea, but I was kind of stuck in it now.
 
Turning over a new leaf, doing acts of good as myself in the name of Bellamy would ultimately be more in line with what he eould have wanted from me… but it wasn't without consequence. Trying to get out of it would most likely result in hurting Talima, my parents, and being stuck in jail.
 
That's how I know I'm not a good person at heart. I know myself pretty well, all things considered. I'm not evil or anything; I don't like seeing people get hurt and I'm not intentionally going to bring harm for personal gain or anything… but I'm selfish, more interested in protecting myself than doing the morally right thing.
 
Part of me does enjoy this life… the thrill of going into the Shar, the prospect of discovering something… I enjoy that. Doing my part to keep a cult from destroying Qesir?... I don't mind it, but I'm not about to suicide my way into a fight I can't win.
 
So what do I do?
Maybe start by getting out of the sun… should finish the garden first.
 
At the very least, the sweating is helping with the hangover, but not the dehydration.
 
Even if I want to stay to complete my original goal, I had set up my own timer. The dominion was coming to talk to Talima, and it was without a doubt they would find me.
 
Honest logic dictated I should pull up roots and move to a new town, that would be both easy and sensible… I knew I wasn't going to. Part of me is drawn to the hidden treasures of the Shar, the other part of me was concerned with Noct. At this point I can't leave Noct, and they have resisted all my attempts to persuade them out of their shady path… so at this point I guess I'm just here for damage control out of a vague sense of responsibility.
 
…
I stand up from my work, the garden is repaired, the tomato plants restored to their former glory, standing tall just like the person that planted them in the first place.
 
I look over my work but feel no pride. My head is filled with too much turmoil.
 
With a sigh of defeat, I pulled a piece of metal from my pocket and stare at it, hoping for an answer. I had once claimed that I would not taint Bellamy's legend by bending the knee to man, beast, or god… but did I even want to finish that legend? Was it worth it?
 
The holy symbol in my hand is old, a little rusty on the back. The front face is worn clean by a bad habit of rubbing it in stress, but the symbol of the faith of the nine is still visible.
 
"... Don't know why I keep you sometimes" my habit of talking to inanimate objects had yet to yield results, but why not keep trying?
 
"Its not like I expect much from you all… I don't exactly pray on the regular… but I still remember the main idea." I closed my eyes, drifting back to youthful memories of learning the faith with my brother on our trips to church, I may have stopped attending when I had the freedom to do so, but I never forgot "Gods guide, and men act, and the seasons turn from light to dark and back again until the end of time… well… I could really use some guidance right about now"
 
One last look at the symbol, then to the tomato plants… I turn to go back inside and escape from the sun